Thursday, October 30, 2008

Status Update: Goodbye Dr. N

Future ex-gynecologist is now ex-gynecologist.

I signed a med records request on July 21st of this year that my gynecologist's office just sent to an old gynecologist's office (Dr. B if you're keeping up). Dr. B's office called me confused so I had to call the current gynecologist's office and tell them I had already given them everything they needed and they don't need to do anymore requests (especially ones that are 3 months old).

But while fixing this med record request snaffu I also changed from Dr. N to new Dr. L. My SIL is pg and due to pop anytime now and recommends her (and she was recommended to SIL by several friends). And while talking to the med record gal I mentioned how unhappy I was with Dr. N and how uncaring she was and how she made me cry. She ENCOURAGED me to file a complaint with the clinic manager and said that I would probably be much happier with Dr. L. Dr. L is apparently highly praised by many.

Imagining complaint: She wouldn't help an anovulatory, PCOS patient with undiagnosed insulin resistance get pregnant. I think I might have a legitimate complaint here. Oh... I love that warm and fuzzy feelings that come from complaining to management. I will have to layout my thoughts well. Good thing I wrote 5 page mock "Dear Dr. N... I hate you" letter months ago. That will help me to relive the pain needed to inject the proper amount of agnst in my complaint.

Weight Loss

I put up a post this morning and thought I should put it in here. Someone was asking about having a weight loss surgery done. They said that no matter how hard they tried they couldn't loose weight. So this is my response:

I am going to piss a lot of people off by saying this, but... I really hate it when people say that they "can't lose weight". I honestly don't think they are trying hard enough, or don't have the follow through. I used to be one of those people.

I don't know you and I don't know your story, but here is mine. I went from about 250 to 160 (I'm 5' 10"), size 24 to size 8, in less than a year and I did it through exercise and diet. I worked extremely hard to do it. I exercised 2 hours a day almost everyday and did tough cardio and weight training. I took aerobic classes several days week: I love step aerobics. I ran and ran and ran, miles every day. I didn't do what I consider to be "soft" exercises: no exercise bikes, no yoga, no water aerobics. I only did things that engaged my entire body and were cardio or strength training oriented. I never paid attention to the "Fat Burner" speed on the equipment, I just went as fast, hard, and long as I could. I would drip with sweat. I had an embarrassingly red face. I got out of bed and walked to the gym in a foot of snow. It was hard.

As for diet: I ate a good breakfast and lunch and usually skipped dinner. No soda. I'm also a vegetarian so it's not like I was doing atkins or something. I actually am a big believer in the subway diet as long as you use common sense with it.

My life was great and I was finally the skinny girl I knew I was inside. Then, it all changed. I got mono and was laid up for a long time. After getting over it, I had lost all my muscle mass. I was still tired all the time. I tried the lower impact to keep trim: walking, pilates. [I even used a personal trainer for a few months.] I kept working on it for a year, but I lost and the weight came back. I'm 240 again and mad at myself. I don't even try much anymore.

But what I have learned from this is that there are no shortcuts, and it probably is harder for women with PCOS. I mean, my god, I had to drip sweat for 2 hours a day, everyday. That is extremely difficult.

I'm not telling you not to get the surgery. I'm sure you have thought long and hard about it. But what I am saying is that you are going to have to work as hard as you ever had (or harder) to make this work in the long term for you. Don't give up, don't say "I can't".

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Shoving things up your Vagina and Halloween Costumes

Well I finished the prometrium yesterday night. There will be blood. But when? Probably at a bad time when I am unprepared.

Also, went to my neighborhoods Bunco on Monday night. It was Halloween themed. One of the neighors dressed up as a tampon. She wore white top and pants and had a pair of white tights on her head like a hat with the legs of the tights knotted together as the string. She didn't have an applicator, so I assume that she was an Ob. 


Monday, October 27, 2008

Making mountains out of Pustules

Ok, I'm having a crisis here. Ok, not really, but I like to blow even the tiniest problems out of porportion. 

I'm having a breakout. This has been going on since last week. Yes, I have acne, but I have had really pretty good skin since I started using Purity Made Simple by Philosphy cleanser. And I have some big work events coming up and I hate looking like some pimple faced kid while talking to clients. It doesn't help that I'm a woman working in a male dominated field either.

So, last week on Friday I called the RE's office at 8:00 am to see if the RE would write me an antibiotic script to make this go away since he has me on new drugs (progesterone and metformin) and I'm pretty sure that they are playing a part here.

And his nurse did not get back to me. So I called back at 3 pm on Friday (since they are prone to closing early on Fridays). She said she would see him on Saturday and get back to me. Well, she got back to me at 7:30 this morning while I was blow drying my hair, so I didn't hear the phone ring, so I couldn't answer it. So she left me a voicemail saying no, he doesn't treat that stuff.

Ok, can I get all my drs. together so that they can decide which symptom of PCOS they will treat. Seriously, people with RA have rhumatologists to cover the bases. Why can't women with PCOS have a magical dr. that treats all the symptoms instead of dividing the work between a primary, endocrinologist, dermatologist, gynecologist and reproductive endocrinologist? 

Anyhow, so I called my primary this morning, and she won't write me a script unless I can find a way to make it in to their office (if I had known Friday that my RE wouldn't do it, then I could have set something up). And called RE office back and they told me NO again. Tried to call old dermatologist and can't even figure out how to get ahold of her (this is one of the many reasons I quit going to her). 

So after turning into a crying mess about a cluster of zits, it appears I have come to the end of the road. My only option left is finding a sick kid and bribing their parents for a hit of amoxicillin.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dude looks like a lady

So, probably the worst part about PCOS is that it makes you look ugly. Acne, hair, fat, skin tags, masculine features... Not the most appealing physical features. It is pretty easy to tell a woman with PCOS just by looking at her. It has a lot to do with the build of the person. Most women with PCOS will know exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to try very hard to feel pretty.

If you have PCOS and are not ugly, consider yourself lucky. I have a lot more to say about this, but most of it would be profoundly hurtful to other people, so I will not elaborate at this time.  

Often, very often at certain places (Lane Bryant), I will see someone that is a dead ringer PCOS and I wonder if they know what it is. I would almost wish that if I was 30ish and someone could tell what was wrong with me after all those years of wondering I would be thankful. Oh sure, pissed and embarrassed at the time, but in the long run, happy that I finally knew.

No, I don't go up to strangers and ask them if they know what PCOS is, but I think about it. I usually really think about when I see teens. Most of them are probably still clueless and wonder why they are cursed with such terrible problems. I really feel bad for them. But I still don't just walk up to them and plant bugs in their ears. 

I saw two PCOS teens in church today. I feel like I could make a difference in their lives if only it wouldn't be so rude of me to do so. 

Then I think, I'm sure other women with PCOS have seen me before and thought "Oh, I hope that poor girl knows what's wrong with her." And if someone ever did come up to me and tell me that, I would say, "You guessed right and thanks for your concern."

I also feel compelled to tell women with "moon faces" about Cushings (manifests similar to PCOS, they once thought I had this one too), but alas, I'm a big chicken. 

The upside to this is that PCOS (and other disorders) is a much more often recognized problem now than it was back when my mom was a girl (or her and both of her sisters would have been diagnosed). 

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stuck in the middle

Yesterday I posted an incredibly long post about HPT's. But early on I mentioned I like the WebMD Infertility Treatment Support Group (ITSG). So it got me thinking...

According to the INCIID website Infertility is "the inability to conceive after a year of unprotected intercourse in women under 35, or after six months in women over 35, or the inability to carry a pregnancy to term." blah, blah, blah...

Ok, so first off, I don't think I'm infertile. I do think I have PCOS and anovulation. However, without help, it is very possible that I would never conceive on my own. Does that mean I'm infertile?

In fact, I think I may be very fertile, if anyone can get my body to do what it's suppose to do, when it's suppose to do it.

So my second question is "What qualifies as an infertility treatment?" Does any treatment (for the purposes of becoming PG) given under the direction of an RE count as an IF treatment? Or do only IVFs and IUIs count? If you can swallow the pill it's not an IF treatment, but if you inject it, it is? If it's clomid it isn't, bit if it's femera it is? If it's clomid and you had some monitoring ultrasounds it is, but if you didn't, it isn't? 

So I haven't really figured out where I fit. I feel like I'm not infertile enough for the infertile girls (although that's probably a good thing)  and I'm really no farther into treatment than girls being seen by ob/gyns. I feel comfortable posting on the Clomid Support Group (although I have never taken clomid) but most the girls there don't even know what an RE is and they often don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes. And I post on the PCOS board but most of the action there is people that have just been diagnosed and want to bitch about it. Oh and then there are the general TTC boards, but don't get me started on those. I feel like there is some rule that requires me remain in lurker mode on the ITSG board until my signature bears some larger battle wounds. That's kind of messed up.

The HPT, Friend or Foe?

Ok, I was catching up on the helpful WebMD ITSG Board this morning. I am technically not receiving an "infertility treatment," I prefer that board to others, because the girls there tend to know what they are doing. I feel really bad for girls to come to the boards for the first time and don't know anything about their problems and let their Ob/gyns give them scripts for drugs that they don't understand (and the ob/gyns don't bother to educate them). Anyhow, I love to try to help these girls and point them in the right direction. And for that reason I love the ITSG Board, cause reading their posts helps me to decide what direction I should head in.

But today, someone posted about seeing a faint positive on a e.p.t. +/- HPT. I have had some experience with HPTs and I simply had to tell my story there and I will repeat it here (unabridged version, sorry).

First, if you have never been to the wonderful website you should check it out and read every little bit on info on it.

My first experience buying a HPT: I had been married for while, still on the pill, and trying to make a decision whether to take a job or not. I was in grad school and had to decide whether to continue or take the job (I hated grad school). Well, AF was running about 3 days late which never happens to me on the pill (my "no-pill" week was almost over). I stopped by the drug store and wanting to idiot proof the process I bought a digital test. I also bought the brand name test thinking that would be reliable for some reason too.

Well, get home. Open the test. There is something on the screen already. I couldn't figure out if that was abnormal or not, so I peed on it anyhow. And I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. Turns out, if there is some symbol on the test before you take it or something (found it in the directions eventually) you have a bad test. I think I had a mild panic attack. I didn't want DH to know I was worried about this and therefore couldn't head back into town to get another one without raising suspicion. So I called the help number, crying, cause I knew if I was PG I would have to take this job cause my grad stipend would not be able to support us with a baby. And while I'm on the phone talking with the help girl, sobbing, I started to pull the test apart, and there they were, multiple lines. I didn't really know what this meant since this was my first test, but I thought it must mean something. The customer service rep assured me that the mere presence of multiple lines didn't mean anything and she took my info to send me a refund for the test. Anyhow. Well, I think my period came sometime the next day because I don't remember buying anymore pg tests back then.

So the moral of this story is to always have a back up test.

My miss adventure with +/- PG tests was recently. After going off the pill this last time, I thought it might take some time for my period to come, but just to be sure I bought a test after about 5 weeks. At this point I didn't know what an OPK was and I hadn't bothered checking my BBT. No, instead, I was just going to POAS when ever it bothered me enough to check (great plan right!). So I bought a +/- HPT. I think this time I went cheap and just bought the Walgreens brand or something.

Ok, so I followed directions and waited the appropriate amount of time. And there was a good line in the control box and a good horizontal line, and a faint vertical line. Yes, it looked slightly positive. I stared in disbelief. I knew I wasn't PG. I was just taking the test cause I'm impatient and couldn't just sit there and not do anything. But I threw it in the trash and cursed the test. I knew if I was PG, then I should have been PG enough to get a stronger response than that washed out line.

That's when I started getting serious about this TTC stuff and found the POAS website and started reading books and sucking up everything I could on the internet. Turns out that +/- tests are notorious for giving false positives. The POAS website does not recommend them and I will never buy one again.

I now buy the Dollar Tee $1 tests and I buy lots of them just to keep around... It's fun walking up to the counter and asking for a dozen tests. They are cheap enough that I don't feel like I'm being wasteful if I just feel like POAS and I always have extras so that I will never have to worry whether I have a defective test again or if I'm really pg. That's peace of mind.

Bonus: You want to know about the most fun HPT I ever took? Sure you do. I have gallbladder problems and had to get an endoscopic ultrasound this summer. I had been diligently taking my pills (I took Yasmin and would take 9 weeks of active pills in a row and then stop for week for 10 week cycles). While they were hooking me up to everything and sticking me and attaching my iv and such, the nurse asked me when my last period was. It had been something like 7 weeks ago. She kept insisting that I take a pg test and I kept explaining to her that that was normal because of how I take my pills. Then I had to explain that I had PCOS and I probably couldn't get PG anyhow. Well she wouldn't let it go and told me I was going to have to pee. And, I was all strapped in and asked "Here?" thinking I would have to have someone help me pee in the bed. Well, it wasn't that bad. They unstrapped me and let me use the bathroom. I had to try to conjure up some urine while some old lady in the hall kept knocking on the door. Then I didn't have a way to hide/disguise my pee so I had to walk through the hall with my backless gown on and a big bowl of pee. How embarrassing. Hey, guess what. I wasn't pregnant! And after all the commotion the nurse said they wouldn't have done anything different even if I had been pregnant.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Some kind of Waiting Week(s)

Well, I'm in a *special* WW. This WW is (probably) longer and far less coveted than the 2WW.

I am waiting to finish my prometrium-that will end on Tuesday next week. Then I'm waiting for aunt flow. It could take 2 weeks for her to show her ugly, although welcomed, head.

Like a true TTC novice, I am still optimistic that some miracle has happened and I O'd and then another miracle happened and my and DH's gametes met mine at the right location at the right time and the fertilized egg implanted in my hopefully acceptable lining (I'm sure it's shag carpet by now).

If I did O and their wasn't an intervention by God, then I will expect AF around the 30th... uh, now that shag carpet metaphor is just gross.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Attempting to Repeat Temp

So, later yesterday after my high BBT, I decided to check my temp to see what it is normally. I usually temp lower than 98.6F.

I attempted to setup some favorable conditions for the retest. I got in bed and covered up. My cat volunteered to lay on my chest. And after awhile I took my temp.

It was less than my BBT temp. So, I thought, maybe if I give it some more time (snuggled warmly in my bed with the cat). So I watched a great Frontline on PBS about the Presidential candidates and retested after about an hour. Same as the first, and still lower than the BBT.

I'm not sure if it is common to get a BBT greater than your normal temp in the luteal phase or not. At this point, I don't think it was my wiggling that caused it. Perhaps seeing Sarah Palin on SNL got my blood boiling enough to screw up my chart.

And my BBT this morning was elevated, but still lower than yesterday's BBT.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

You have got to be kidding me!

Ok, I usually refrain from using this phrase, but I just experienced the "Perfect Storm" of TTC crap. It has been about 3 mos since my last period and between last night and this morning my body, husband, cat, and thermometer have all conspired to mess with me.

Yesterday, me and DH went to his brother's to celebrate some family birthdays. It's about a 2 hour drive over there and we didn't get back till about 10:30 pm. While on the way home, my right ovary started giving me some trouble. And all I could think was, "Hmmm, this reminds me of the pain I had in Jan. when I o'd." But by the time we got closer to home, I had some "lower abdominal cramping" and when I got home those abdominal cramps manifested themselves in to a long bathroom visit. And then I felt much better and thought I must have been mistaken about the ovary pains.

Now, I must explain my BBT technique. I don't take my temp at the same time every morning. No, I take my temp whenever the cat wakes me up in the middle of the night (usually about 4 am). I will make sure I have been asleep for at least 3 hours and take it. I have a digital BBT thermometer that stores the temp for me until I am awake enough to care what it says. That system has worked fine for me... except last night some things happened that might have thrown off my normal schedule. First, didn't get to sleep until at least 11:00 pm (much later than normal). Then my DH tried to steal the covers several times. So in reclaiming what was rightfully mine, I had to wiggle about some. But I can tell you for sure, I had already reclaimed the covers from him once and went back to sleep knowing I had moved too much. Then when the cat came in I took my temp before taking the covers back for a second time. I also didn't not check to see what time it was, the cat has been coming in earlier lately.

And then I slept in this morning. Oh wait, no, I actually got up a 5:30, collected my FMU and took a HPT (negative, like I expected) and took the covers back for a third time. Then, I woke up again about 10:00 and shoved my first prometrium up my hoo-ha (that's why I had to do the hpt this morning). Then got up and saw my temp and thought, WTF!

My temp was high, a lot higher than it normally is. My method may not be perfect, but I have gotten very consistent results with it. This is the only high temp I have gotten in the 25 days I have been checking. Trust me, it's a spike. So did I O, or was it just some wiggling, possibly earlier in the night than normal? I really think it's a high temp. I wiggle plenty (my husband is a blanket hog and I'm always fighting him for it). Over the last 25 days I have had plenty of potential BBT disturbances, but this is the first truly high temp I've recorded.

And now I'm on the prometrium so my temp should stay high because of that regardless of whether I actually O'd or not. There is no way to tell unless I get pregnant (we did have sex yesterday morning, and no, the prometrium should not be harmful to a fetus, incase you were wondering). I will say this, CM didn't appear to be favorable for O'ing, but I haven't really been checking since I wasn't expecting to O. And OPK's have all been negative (although I have a really bad technique for when I do those too). So, in reality I probably didn't O, but I have to wonder. Stranger things have happened.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

All that excitement over nothing

Well, Dr. C got around to looking at my labs today (see, impatience pays off) and got back with his nurse, and all of a sudden, everything is back on track.

The nurse is calling in metformin and prometrium today.

She recommended that I take the prometrium vaginally. I'm tempted to swallow them, but I'm always looking for new and exciting things to do, so this should fit with my agenda.

Oh and I do need to do a "resting" ultrasound before they put me on clomid. I wonder how much that will cost me.

Wonder if they canceled my Tuesday appointment for me?

Ask me about my Cholesterol!

Ok, impatient me, I called the RE's office today, unable to wait any longer. Their nurse called me back and gave me the numbers.

First, I have excellent cholesterol (IMO). Total 160 (<200 ideal) and HDL and LDL were good too. Triglycerides were absolutely freakin fantastic. This is where I advocate a vegetarian diet and eating oatmeal (made with light vanilla soymilk, ground flaxseed, and sweetened with sugar free strawberry perserves, mmmm...) everyday.

My 2hr GTT was good and bad. The good, I don't have diabetes. The bad, I, like most other women with PCOS, have insulin resistance. I predict a metformin script in my future.

Ok, but now, I can't start the prometrium until Dr. C looks at all of my labs (well look at them already!). And now there's talk that I will have to have a consult before he will give me any scripts and then I may have to have a day 1 ultrasound before starting clomid. We didn't discuss any of this at the first appointment!? Infact, I specifically asked him about monitoring and he said he didn't think we would have to do any at this point. Oh, and they might not let me on clomid until I've been on metformin for 3 months now (I knew that going in too, but he never acted like that would be a problem and I would be able to start clomid regardless).

Ok people, one of the reasons I was so happy after my first RE appointment was that I thought I would be poppin clomid in 2 or 3 weeks... now it sounds like I'll be lucky if I get to before next year.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Not the phone call I was waiting for

I have been getting excited when my phone rings lately. I've been impatiently waiting on the results of yesterday's bloodwork. Well, I just got a call, from my mom. My best friend's dad died. 

I am an asshole. I don't maintain relationships very well when work is required. I haven't talked to my "best" friend in a long time. Apparently he had a quick battle with cancer. If I had talked to my friend in the last couple of months I might have known that. Of course, if I had talked with her in the last year, that might have helped too. I'm a lazy, shitty, friend.

My friend, her parents were the cool parents. Her house was the cool house. I have always envied my friend for those reasons. Today none of that matters. But, Jim, was a great dad by every measure. He is missed.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Hope the Vampires like Glucola

I have been reading the A Little Pregnant blog for a couple of weeks now (still trying to catch up on the last couple years). Well, I was delighted to see that Julie (pronounced in the French way) got to take a GTT (glucose tolerance test) today too. Her account is much more fun to read than mine. 

This is my second GTT. Last one was circa 2002. I was much thinner then and had really good results. Here's hoping for a repeat.

I worked most of the time (I had a 2 hr test) on a cross-stitch for my brother's baby (due eminently). Nothing like sitting in an RE waiting room stitching baby blocks and teddy bears. I'm sure I a got a couple of odd looks, I was just to busy to notice. 

I also got to help train a new phlebotomist, Jon. I learned that drawing blood from the forearms of older women often causes vein collapse. Luckily, Jon was just observing today and did not get the pleasure of piercing my crappy veins. 

Also, DH gave his "specimen"... no issues there that we know. He didn't want to talk about it. I'm not going to push him any further outside of his comfort zone today.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Mystery Cramps more mysterious

I'm sure you're really intrigued by my cramps, but allow me to continue my narcissistic whining a bit longer. My cramps from the other day appear to be over. I had constant cramps for about 5 days then I took an advil on Tuesday and now they're gone and haven't come back. Some advil.

This only raises my suspicions more.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

CD Whatever

I love how all the girls on the boards are always reporting that they are on CD13 and BDing like crazy and CD17 and suddenly have sore boobs and nausea and on CD 25 POASing for BFP's.

Yeah, well I'm on CD75. You know what happens on CD75? Nothing. Why? Cause nothing ever happens. Oh, wait, I think I'm imagining some morning sickness. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Irony of Anovulation

So I have pretty well been on the pill since I was about 15/16. I have gone "all natural" on two occasions (prior to now of course).

The first time, I hadn't been dating DH for long and I had managed to lose a lot of weight (through tons of exercise and a decent diet). Knowing that PCOS is metabolically related, I thought, this might be a good time to see what happens when I'm not on the pill and at a healthy BMI. Well, apparently, nothing. I waited 6 weeks and gave up and opened a fresh pack of BCPs. I enjoyed the consistency of BCPs too much during my college years to allow the possible surprise period to threaten my undergarments or my sanity... waiting for that period to come was just a nerve wrecking as waiting for the first one when I was 14. It was much easier to accept the status quo and resume my withdrawl bleeds.

Another reason I had to see if I would have a period was that I had to know... was I still unable to ovulate? Infertile? You see, I knew DH was the "one" (and I hate that term) from early on and I needed to know if I still had to worry about this. I had to know for the future of my relationship with this great guy.

At some point in our relationship, after things got really serious, I had to tell him, broken hearted, that if he wanted to have kids of his own someday that I couldn't promise him anything and it might never happen because of this problem I had. I don't know if  what I had told him really registered but he stayed with me anyway. I felt I had to be honest about the situation. I couldn't live in denial. Infertility still seemed to be a challenge in my future and his if he stayed with me. Even though it was hard to tell him that, I can't imagine how I could have lived with myself not telling him. 

So after we got engaged we set a  timeframe for starting to try to have children. Knowing my issue, we knew we wouldn't want to wait long, but realistically, I was still in grad school and we were going to be living in a crap-hole that we wouldn't want to raise a child in, and numerous other practical and financial issue led us to decided that me turning 25 would be the time to start.

And as we approached my 25th birthday we were doing well as a couple and financially, but we hadn't met all the savings goals we wanted to before getting pregnant. But, still wanting to have a baby and honor our original agreement we decided to try... but not try.

So I went off the pill again. That was December. And I have to say I didn't really know squat about my cycle at that point in time (not really that important on the pill). And when I had been off the pill for about a month and DARLING Husband wanted to go visit his parents for a week in January, I agreed thinking that it didn't really matter anymore cause ovulation should have already happened by then.

So imagine my freak out when a belated Christmas miracle occured. I was at home alone and I felt the a strong pinch on my right ovary. I knew it right away, it was an ovulation pain. Boy was I confused, and PISSED. I don't know if my husband will ever live that down, being gone with a egg floating along my fallopian tube, UNFERTILIZED cause I had no sperm to fertilize it with. (For the record, I had to work and DH gets lots of time off, so he often goes home without me a couple times a year.)

I do have to say that I was in some doubt (although pretty sure) that I ovulated (having never done it before, you can understand my apperhension to believe that it had happened). I wasn't charting (not that I knew how). I just couldn't be sure. But 2 weeks later like clockwork, I got a period. So it took 9 weeks, but yes, I do believe that I had a real, legitmate period. 

Additionally, a study came out at the end of January (perfect timing) suggesting that taking folic acid for a full year before getting pregnant would reduce the risk of premature birth. Since I had only been on folic acid supplements since August, we decided to wait till August 2008 to officially start trying. 

So in August I went off the pill again and I did not get a performance like in January. I even sent my DH home for a week to see if I could invoke cruel, ironic ovulation again and no dice. 

Giving up the simple pleasures in life when TTC

The hardest thing I'm trying to change in my life concerning the TTC process and (eventually) the gestating process is the removal of my beloved old friend, Caffeine. And let me say for the record, I don't have more than a cup of coffee on a regular day, some soda, and perhaps some other small sources of the good stuff (chocolate) so you would think this would be easy for me. Except, I determined long ago the exact amount of caffeine necessary for me to function as a human and that's exactly how much I consume in a regular day to make sure I respond to additional inputs of caffeine when necessary (in other words, I make sure the car responds when I push down on the gas pedal). 

First it was my morning coffee... I made the switch to decaff. I tend to be much more productive when hyped up on caffeine (I would have never finished grad school without it). So since giving up caffeine I have turned into a gray blob of uselessness at work. But I had a savior, the afternoon Diet Pepsi!

Oh how I loved my daily diet soda (not POP). But then I thought, I had better get serious about this and learn to live without the sweet carmel colored nectar that gave me life in the afternoons. But then I decided to give myself a small reprieve and allow a cup of caffeinated green tea daily. 

Supposedly their may (or may not) be a benefit to green tea when TTC and since the caffeine is pretty trival I thought I would allow it. However, I don't really like green tea, and what's more, (TMI) it gives me gas... uncomfortable keep me awake at night gas. Not cool.

So now I've got some fancy white tea that doesn't seem to bother me much (it also doesn't taste much).  You might was well just push me in a hole and bury me, cause I'm so tired that I might as well be dead.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stupid Uterus/Ovaries

Ok, I have had some cramping for the last week or so... this is HIGHLY unusual. One of the many benefits of the pill is that menstrual syndromes are fewer. As a result I have had all of about 3 cramps in my life. Yes, I know how lucky I am. And no, I'm not trying to whine now that I am experiencing modest, continuous discomfort, but it makes me worry.

Why would I be cramping now? I have no reason to suspect that I have O'd (and I've been checking) and therefore no reason to suspect a period. 

But son of bitch, I am bothered by the commotion going on down there. I've had other kinds of cramps before, you know... intestinal cramps, and these do not feel remotely similar. I am quite aware of the location of my ovaries, uterus and gallbladder. This is definitely in the ovary/uterus area. 

This leads me to suspect more ominous activities are going on down there, namely:
-Cysts (Um, I do have PCOS)
-fibroids (not likely, but not unlikely since they run in my family)
-endometriosis (been suspicious of this for awhile now)
-polyps (just thought I'd throw this one in)

Now, I did mention this at the RE's office and they didn't seem to be too concerned which made me not be insistent that they do something, but now, I'm starting to think that was a mistake. 

Ok, so I am notoriously impatient (hence the title of this blog) but I know when something is wrong. This is wrong... although it's probably not a serious problem, I really don't need this raising my anxiety level right now.

Well, I have eaten some chocolate and will down a couple of advil and see if it will cure me. 

Monday, October 6, 2008

First visit to RE

Made the first visit to Dr. C. I have to say that overall, the appt went very well. Most noteably, I didn't cry and I felt better about my chances... hope is good. Oh, and at no point did he tell me to "relax." 

DH went with me. Wasn't entirely sure if he should go since PCOS is really more my problem. Good thing DH went, cause he needs to give a sample. I'm not sure he would have believed me if I had come home and told him he would need to do it in a cup. I wouldn't joke about some thing like that on even numbered days of the month. 

I'm now setup for some blood work, will induce a period with prometrium (instead of Provera) and then probably clomid (shocker!). He was pretty vauge on whether he would put me on metformin or not. I suppose that depends on the blood work as well. 

And I just got a call from Dr. C (right now... like 30 sec ago) we had kind of agrued in the office whether they had recieved some blood work or not from my primary care provider. He went back through my file since I left and it was there (Amazing!). I knew it was, I called last week and went through the all the records with the assistant and she told me it was there. Well, this is a positive thing for two reasons 1) I don't have to have that test repeated (although I still need my blood drawn for other reasons, at least my insurance won't get billed for the same test twice in 2 months), and 2) Dr. C called me personally and let me know it was there which means that A. He cared enough to look (or at least want to prove that he was right to himself) and B. He admitted he was wrong in a way- it's ok to make a minor mistake now then and it's good to admit that. 

One of my favorite parts of the appointment was that when we discussed my future ex-gynecologist (Dr. N) he seemed to understand why I wasn't happy with her. After telling him that she wasn't helpful he asked "Well, did she know you were trying to get pregnant?" Me: "Oh yeah! That was the whole point of the appointment and I specifically wanted to come up with some sort of game plan to get me ovulating." I don't think he was impressed. He also sided with my last gynecologist (before Dr. N) that I should try to get pregnant directly off the pill rather than waiting 3 months like my Dr. N suggested... of course he also trained my last gynecologist (he didn't know that yet at this point in the conversation). He put it this way, if I have developed and produced an egg naturally then my lining should have developed well enough to support it. 

What's more, he didn't make me feel bad for coming there or like I was in the wrong place since I hadn't tried to get pregnant for a year. I think he had the same thoughts I had concerning that matter: I'm anovulatory, we don't know what my cycles are like since I've been on the pill since I was young, and I need help.

Ok, so here's hoping. I get blood work done next Monday. Then let's say I start prometrium on Sunday... that should give me a period at least by early November (here's hoping that worked)... that would put me ovulating about mid November... positive HPT end of November/early December and that would make make a Christmas pregnancy announcement possible and a mid August birth... awesome. Alright, now to just stick to the plan.  

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Geriatric Cat and Lady

Update on Muffy and my Grandma.

Muffy's rush blood work on Thursady was pretty good. Her t4 was 1.8 which is pretty good. Her BUN was 34 which is just over the normal range (10-30) and her Creatnine was 2 which is just inside the normal range (1.3-2.1). That's pretty good. I think part of her weight issue might have been from being off any medication for 2 weeks then starting back up. She may have needed to build up a level and that might have taken several day (she has only been back on the meds for 2 weeks). Anyhow, I weighed her this morning and it looked like 7.3 lbs.

Grandma is the pitts. She is mopey and wants to punish the world for her problems. Spent all Saturday watching her. She is going to have to be moved from assisted living to the nursing home unless she really starts to work at it. With the attitude she has, I say move her over there. I'm sympathetic to her issues, but is she insists on acting like she can't do the assisted living then why should we keep her over there when it just causes us trouble? Why should we break our backs to help her when she won't lift a finger for herself?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Too much crap to handle right now

Life is not good right now... in addition to dealing with PCOS and anticipating my RE appointment, it looks like my grandma might not have long left and Muffy is getting worse.

My parents finally got my grandma moved up closer to us all and it turns out that she has had an untreated infection for like a month now. I hope that is not the case, but it is pretty serious and could affect her knee implants. She is "fading fast, but might live another 16 years" says my dad. Well, that's a lot of help. Looks like I need to go visit this weekend.

On top of that, I weighed Muffy last night and this morning and it looks like she is close to 7 bls now... was was 8 lbs 2 weeks ago and nearly 9 a month before that. This is HUGE. She will die if she continues to loose weight this quickly. I am taking her in for more blood work around lunch to check her thyroid levels. I have a feeling that we may have to set up radiation treatment very soon. That is basically the only chance she has left if we can't get this under control with the medicine. Everyone keeps saying to me that its time to put her down... well its not, not yet. She is still very full of life and she has manageable diseases. There is still so much life left in her. She might be old, but that doesn't mean that this is her time. If she can still be managed, then I will do that. If she can't be managed and lives her life in pain and discomfort then I will do what's right, but that is not her, not yet. 

Somedays I think, maybe they're right I should just put her down, not because that's what's best for her, but that would be what's easiest for me. No old cat that I have to spend money on for blood work and treatment. No old cat I have to feed 3 times a day or give meds to. No old cat that has to be boarded if I have to be gone for more than a day. No old cat that inconveinces me. But that is wrong and selfish. If I did that I would have no cat that cuddles with me in the morning, no cat to warm my lap in the evenings, no cat to play with the scratch post in the corner of the living room, no cat to raise the blinds for so that she can bask in the morning sun, no cat greet me at the end of a long day... she deserves what's best I will give it to her. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My Baby, Muffy

I love my husband but he has some serious competition for the No. 1 Love in my life.  My other true love is my cat, Muffy.  

Muffy was an unplanned pregnancy from my sister's cat, Tinker. After much begging of my mother, I was allowed a cute tabby kitten. That was a long time ago. I was only 7 when we got Muffy. We already had a cat, Spot, and he took to Muffy and was always very affectionate. Perhaps too affectionate, although both were neutered, Spot tried to get it on with Muffy on several occasions. I don't think Muffy cared for that.

Spot never came home one day and after a period of denial and mourning we got with being a single cat household. But then, our hair dresser's cat had a litter, and me and my brother begged my mom again. We won in the end of course and then we had Sox. I think the day we brought Sox home was the worst day of Muffy's life.

Sox and Muffy never got along. Sox thoroughly enjoyed pissing Muffy off as often as she could. That's why after I finished my undergrad and got my own apartment I took Muffy away to live with me so that she could be an 'only cat' again. She was already 14 by then and needed a less stressful life.

Since then, Muffy has had some health ups and downs. She has been diagnosed with Kidney Disease and Hyperthyroidism. She takes 5mg of Tapazole twice daily to treat they hyperthyroidism and her coat has improved and she seems to be maintianing her weight. She was on Science Diet canned k/d food, but since starting Tapazole she refuses to eat it, so we just feed her what ever she will eat inorder to keep her weight up. I love Muffy, and every day I have with her is worth it. 

Muffy likes to get into bed every morning about 4:30 and try to wake me up and get me to feed her. I refuse to feed her food that early, but her early morning wake up is a good time for me to take my temp and she is a pretty consistent alarm clock. It's nice to see Muffy so concerned about my bbt.  As I lay there half asleep, trying to keep the thermometer in my mouth, Muffy sees it as something to rub the sides of her face on and so I have to hold it so she doesn't knock it out of my mouth.