Saturday, November 29, 2008

A little down

I don't know why, but I'm just feeling down and even more impatient than usual. I guess I can blame it on the holidays.

I still have 2.5 days of prometrium to go. Waiting to finish the prometrium really messes with me. First, it's not exactly fun shoving a pill up you're vagina. Also, progesterone apparently makes my nipples go nuts. And then there's doing the BBT on prometrium. I keep doing it to keep up the habit, but I resent it the whole time.

I keep looking at the picture of Barrett my SIL gave me. He really is cute. Also, he looks kinda like me. He has my brother's eyes (and me and my brother both have our dad's). And he appears to have strawberry blond hair like me. I just keep looking at it thinking my baby would look kinda like that.

And then I think about my baby, the one I was suppose to get pregnant with in January (the only time that I've ever knowingly ovulated, but DH was gone). My baby would be just a little bit older than Barrett. If it were a girl, she would have strawberry blonde hair like me, and if a boy blonde hair like DH. Hopefully it would get my blue eyes. Our son would be strong like his daddy. Our daughter would be fair and I will diligently protect her skin from the sun's rays.

I am already negative about my next clomid cycle. I don't think it will work. And when it doesn't work they will bump me to 150mg. And when that doesn't work he's going to try femera on me. And if that doesn't work, again we up the dosage. And everytime it's going to fail because I'm not going to ovulate. And then I'm going to be back on prometrium again. Waiting and taking BBTs in vain again.

If I had a normal 2WW and got a negative, at least there would have been a little spot of hope left alive in me till AF came. And then once AF comes, I'd be back on clomid on CD3 relighting at least a tiny flame of hope. But this way, there is no hope. Nothing but waiting for my period. It is really hard.

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