Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Christmas Fight

I need to get this out now and maybe I won't think about it next so much next year.

I mentioned the other day that I told my husband that I didn't want to go back over to his grandma's house and that caused a fight. I would like to elaborate on the event.

It started pretty much like that. Where it went didn't surprise me much. Usually when me and DH fight, some where in there we just sit and don't say anything for a long time. Then I get madder and say something about how he never says anything. Then he responds by saying that he doesn't know what I want him to say, or that he would say something but it would be wrong.

Does this happen to anyone else? Doesn't it drive you nuts?

Well, he is wrong... there is not a magic answer that I'm looking for... there are usually plenty of acceptable things that he could say or do to make me feel better... however it is still possible to say the wrong thing. Not saying anything is wrong too.

In this particular fight, I'm angry at him because he's "not there for me." So it becomes "Well, what am I suppose to do, whatever I do is wrong." I sat and thought about it a while (I've been thinking about it a lot lately) and it came to me. I finally knew what he was suppose to do.

So, angrily, I ask, "You want me to tell you what to do?" So I told him:

Be nice to me. Be SOOO nice to me. Offer to take me to my favorite restaurant or see the movie I want to see. Bring me the cat to hold. Rub my back. Hold me. Tell me it will be alright. Tell me we'll get through this. Say I'm sorry.

It really pisses me off that I have to tell him that. My husband is a great guy (and he puts up with a lot of crap from me, I'm not the easiest person to be married to I'm sure), and he's still learning how to live up to the Darling Husband tag that I call him. But was that so hard?

And why was it so hard for me to put my finger on it that my husband was falling seriously short in the "cheer up my sad wife" department?

I'm still not sure that he's ever said that he's sorry this cycle turned out so bad. Not that it's his fault, but you're just suppose to say that. He never thinks to hug me or hold me when I cry... or maybe he does after I've been doing it for a long time already and it's like, why didn't you do that when I started? It might be done with by now if you had.

So that's what my rock is suppose to be doing. Whether he gets it or not, he's suppose to be so damn nice that it will make me feel like I shouldn't be so sad.

It really losses it's charm when I have to tell him to be sweet to me or whatever.

That's pretty much where the conversation ended and then I continued to cry for few more hours. Dang, I'm miserable.

And now I'm realizing that he still hasn't really changed his tactics any. This is going to cause me to get mad again and I will have to go through this all over again. Why are these smart guys so dumb when it comes to this stuff, especially when I spell it out for him?

Reading this, I'm worried that people will think I'm married to a jerk or I should get a divorce or something like that. It's not like that. I think all marriages need regular maintenance work and if you're hearing about what needs fixing in someone else's marriage you can't really understand how small or large the problem is from the outside. As much as I hate to admit it, we fight. We need to fight and we fight fair so that our arguments strengthen our marriage instead of ruining it. I just wish IF would stop taking so many low punches.


Celia said...

Mr. and I fight the same fights-directions, home improvements and holiday fights. We also have a lovely fight about my Mom.

Each time it gets easier though, and we change our behavior a little.

I think it is totally normal to have to tell men what you want. I just walk up to him and tell him I need pets. Then he pets me and I feel better.

Anonymous said...

Your normal. Hubby is normal. Its the fact that we live life in 28 day cycles that isn't normal. Seriously. DH and I have had those SAME FIGHTS.

I have accused him of NOT wanting children. I have accused him of having a vasectomy without my knowing and that is why we aren't pregnant. I have told him he doesn't care what I am going through...and the list goes on.

I did recently learn however that their "stand offishness" is more common than we know. I learned this from my husband's bosses wife, who went through infertility herself. Lets just say it was eye opening.

But...this too shall pass. You will get into a ying and a will get better, or tolerable I promise!

Good Egg Hatched said...

Oh I'm so sorry as those fights are so upsetting -- but you guys are so normal. I hear the "I don't know what I'm supposed to say" thing so many times. They just want us to feel better -- don't want us to be sad -- but they feel powerless in their ability to make that happen. Rest assured that you are not alone, and I do think that these arguments can lead to better understanding. I have helped give my DH a couple of suggestions on things he can do when he doesn't know what to say, and it seems to have taken hold. Wishing you a happy 2009 with fewer reasons to argue :)!

Anonymous said...

Yes, this definitely happens with my husband and I. Fairly frequently. It does drive me nuts. For the most part, he is a great guy, but he has no idea what to do to help me through those bad patches that infertility shoves us into. I totally agree with your suggestions to him.

Why is it so difficult for them to anticipate our needs and take care of them before we have to bitch at them and tell them to do the things we need? Probably because our society conditions young boys to be "tough" and neglects to expect them to recognize "feelings" and pick up on those subtle kinds of things.

I'm sorry you had a fight on Christmas, but yes, it is perfectly normal. Also, with the whole not wanting to go back to his grandma's house, that's completely understandable. IF is so painful, especially when you have to interact with fertile or ignorant family members. You may need to remind him that he needs to give you the option to not attend painful family gatherings if you are in a lot of pain. It's not selfish at all - it's taking care of your needs. Unfortunately, nobody else is going to look out for your needs.