Saturday, December 6, 2008

Paingasm

So, I cried last night... a lot. I don't think I've cried that much in a long time. It was a bad cry where your insides all contract and you have to shut your eyes so tight it hurts and you can't breathe for a few moments. The only thing I can compare it to is an orgasm, but you know, the opposite, a paingasm.

I shouldn't be so upset. It's not like I've been trying for that long yet. I could get pregnant on my next clomid cycle. Or not. It could take years and thousands of dollars with no guarantee of a baby. I don't know which yet, but I have to live with the possible reality of the latter.

A big part of why I am so particularly saddened by this news is that I really like my SIL. We are a pair when we're together. She knows that I'm having IF problems. I was kinda hoping she would too. Not because I want her to have this pain (I wouldn't wish that upon anyone), but because I thought I would have a real life friend to go through this with. Right now, I don't really have anyone in real life I can share this with. I have "come out" to one of my friends. She is supportive, but I don't see her very often and she and her boyfriend are a long way from actively pursuing children, so she can't really relate. But she listens, and that's something. Oh, I came out to my mom too... all she did was say "Well, we knew that," and went back to fawning about my other SIL and the baby. I'm chopped liver to my mom.

Anyhow, I really do hope I get pregnant next cycle now, then me and Kate can be pregnant together. She's my friend, I don't want her to leave me behind. That's my real fear.

The other thing that bothered me, is the DH doesn't seem to understand what is going on here. We had a conversation the other night as I was trying to figure how much to put into my flexible spending account... drs visits, ultrasounds, copays, clomid, prometrium, injectables... He's like, well you don't think they'll put you on injectables that quickly do you? Um, YES! I had to re-explain that you only get so many clomid cycles and then left some room for femara since my RE seems to like that stuff, but then we will definitely be to injectables. If we aren't pregnant by mid year, I suspect that I will be chocking my RE by the tie around his neck if he doesn't offer me an injectable cycle.

So DH still lives in a fantasy world and maybe I'm part of the reason why. I've been optimistic--you have to be. But I know the truth and ignore it (till last night). He doesn't know the truth like me and I had to give it to him last night.

So now I feel really shitty. For being so bitter when I should be happy. For crying all night. For snapping at DH.

No comments: