Monday, December 22, 2008

Where's my rock in this storm?

I've been disappointed with my husband lately. As far as we know, we don't have a male factor problem. His morphology was a little low but nothing concerning according to our RE. Our IF may be my fault, but I need more out of him.

I keep having mini meltdowns and blowing up at him during them. He's suppose to be my partner, but I feel so completely alone in going through this. I'm losing sleep, crying all the time, going to appointments, paying for appointments, watching what I eat, taking pills, peeing on sticks, etc. What's he doing? Not much other than making his sperm available to me.

I know that there is only so much that he can do, but he just doesn't do anything. I asked him the other night, "Have you ever even Googled "Morphology"?" No. Ok, I know I said I wasn't too worried about morphology, but it just shows that he doesn't really think about TTC when he does have to (when I'm crying and yelling at him he thinks about it).

The thing that has kinda set this off is that I have to go to his parents' home for Christmas. I don't want to go because ALL of his friends got their wives pregnant and had babies this year, and his brother just got his wife pregnant and I think they will be announcing to the family at Christmas. I just don't think I can handle it. I'm hyperventilating and crying at the thought of having to face all of that. I said to him, "If you knew how much I hurt right now, you would not make me go." And I meant it, but I still have to go.

I don't want him a wound up mess like me but he just doesn't seem to understand what I'm dealing with here. Does anyone know how can I get him more involved?


kMo said...

When it comes to TTC I try to involve my hubby in those aspects that he might connect with more. He's got a more analytical mind and is a planner. For his analytical mind I show him my chart and we try to interpret the findings/patterns/etc. Since he likes planning things out, I discuss all the plans and scenarios with him. I'm pretty sure he stops thinking about it when I stop talking or showing him stuff but I think I talk more for me than for him. Just remember that guys are usually more internal about this stuff. They don't usually have the need to verbally work things out. They do it in their head and then when they've made a decision, they'll let you know about it.

Anonymous said...

I think he's listening more than you think, kMo's right guys aren't as verbal as we are. A few months ago I was having this very same fight with my husband, but it turns out that he listens more than I thought.

It's harder on us because we are the ones going through all the physical aspects of TTC which makes things a little more emotional - while they are more like sperm donors to say the least.

Anonymous said...

It is VERY different for men. They want the end result, they don't want the in between. It doesn't mean they don't care they just don't react to it the way we do. Now that isn't true of all men, but most.

My husband was supportive, but say I had blood work and called and said my E2 was 800. He had no idea what that was or if that was a good thing or not. Yet when I finally got pregnant he was elated. During my miscarriage, he was lost again.

Keep the lines of communication open. Tell him how you feel calmly and just ask him to help you through it the best way he can. He may have some underlying emotions that he doesn't know what to do with.



Clio said...

women don't communicate very directly. we expect things and sometimes we don't even clearly know what it is we want. I've found that i first have to find what it is i need, specifically, and then tell DH. They are not good at guessing, and they can't ever seem to anticipate like we do to their needs. So it's just the difference between men and women, we have to deal with it and make the best we can. Nature has clearly made their role in the whole reproductive issue a very detached one. After all, it does not happen in their bodies. It is always an effort of keeping the lines of communication open.Good luck!

Kristin said...

Men don't handle it the same way we do but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Good luck with Christmas and, if I were you, I'd get really plastered before going there for Christmas.


MrsJoyner said...

Im on the same boat..My husband doesn't understand my innate "need" to have a baby. "It'll happen" he says, and granted, we haven't been trying to long, but it's more cycles then I wanted. He seemed to understand more how much this meant to me with this loss, but I wish he wanted to be more involved as well. Im sorry I have no better ideas..And thank you for the comment. It made me feel better to know Im not alone.

Anonymous said...

Amanda, I totally share your frustrations about dealing with husbands. It is so hard to get them to do anything. I wish there was some magic trick to getting them involved. At first, I had DH setting up the injections, but then I am a control freak and wanted to do it myself, so I took over. Sometimes I am okay with how he is, and other times, I blow up at him.

I hear you about dreading going to his parents' for Christmas. Is there any way you can get out of it? I know I'm immature and selfish, but I'm absolutely refusing to go to my husband's extended family celebration because it will be filled with babies and fertiles. Could you end up "sick" and not wanting to get others sick?

Andrea said...

Ugh...good luck at the in-laws house. Take some wine & make all the pregnant chicks jealous :) ((HUGS))


Celia said...

Yeah, my husband is MOSTLY great. And, occasionally- not great. I just agree with what I read in A Few Good Eggs, your husband will not be as involved as you are. It's true. I leave as many details out as I can. I wish he were more involved with my 9 bajillion appointments.

He has not read any books, or googled or gone to therapy. He has worked hard to help pay for it, he has helped me diet and cheerfully eaten whatever I've put in front of him (except whole wheat bread),he has also stayed normal through this- if both of us were as unhinged as I am our lives would not go on like they need to.

WiseGuy said...

Welcome to ICLW! Thanks for the introductory post coz that helped me zap through your history quickly.

Open and unabashed communication is perhaps your key. I have no wagic wand solutions to your problem with DH. Even in my case, there is no MFI. Guess who keeps on an on with sonographies, and medicines and shots and! Initially, I did not share a lot about my feelings with my hubby. But I have found that there is a problem of being taken for-granted when this happens. Resolution: talk about the pain of every prick!

I know that this family get-together will be hell, but do not cut yourself out of it. Be strong!

Michelle said...

I am with Clio on this, us women do not communicate as clearly as we should. I have learned to tell my husband exactly what I am looking for from him. If I want help with a problem I tell him. If I just want him to listen I tell him. It has helped a lot! I also use Thank you for everything. I found that he in turn does things a lot more without me saying anything.
Hang in there. I know how tough it is.

~Jess said...

I think with TTC women, in general, just internalize and deal with it a lot more...whether or not the IF is their "fault". We have male-factor, my husband has no sperm so we're going ahead with donor sperm. My husband is supportive, but a lot of it still comes down to me.

I hear you about Christmas, we just canceled visiting my inlaws. BIL and his wife just announced the other day that they are 8 weeks pregnant...they weren't trying and weren't sure they wanted kids, but BAM!

Try and enjoy yourself. It all sucks and even more so this time of year. *hugS*


Erika said...

Well I know how you feel about Christmas... We live near my DH family and spend most holidays with them. His sister has 3 kids, and I'm looked down upon by my MIL for not "giving her anymore grandchildren" I hate the holidays because no one seems to get why I'm in such a "bad mood". I'll be thinking of you this Christmas and wishing for both of us to keep our cool and not loose it in front of our not so well informed or considerate family memebers. Good Luck!

Aramelle said...

I truly believe that men in general don't understand that for most women, IF isn't something that can be left on the bedside table while we go about our daily lives. It's so much more than the actual "trying" part.

My hubby recently told me to "just don't think about it for a while." Like you, I was quite upset and left to feel like he didn't even care about trying to "get" the fact that isn't possible for me. His thinking was we know approximately when we're doing our IUI cycle, and there's not point in worrying about it in the meantime. When we talked more about it, he honestly didn't understand the concept that I still have to pay attention to what my body is doing on a daily basis. And that is our constant reminder of the pieces that are missing.

I also think, though, that so much of this issue really is just about the difference between men and women. My hubby thinks that "being there" for me means being the strong one, keeping himself together and not letting me see that he is hurting. In moments where I'm feeling especially beaten by IF, that definitely comes across as indifference to me. I want him to hurt as badly as I do...not because I want my husband to be hurting but because I need to know that this touches him as deeply as it does me.

I'm sorry that you're dreading the Christmas gathering so much. I wish you a ton of good luck in surviving the evening.