Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Christmas Fight

I need to get this out now and maybe I won't think about it next so much next year.

I mentioned the other day that I told my husband that I didn't want to go back over to his grandma's house and that caused a fight. I would like to elaborate on the event.

It started pretty much like that. Where it went didn't surprise me much. Usually when me and DH fight, some where in there we just sit and don't say anything for a long time. Then I get madder and say something about how he never says anything. Then he responds by saying that he doesn't know what I want him to say, or that he would say something but it would be wrong.

Does this happen to anyone else? Doesn't it drive you nuts?

Well, he is wrong... there is not a magic answer that I'm looking for... there are usually plenty of acceptable things that he could say or do to make me feel better... however it is still possible to say the wrong thing. Not saying anything is wrong too.

In this particular fight, I'm angry at him because he's "not there for me." So it becomes "Well, what am I suppose to do, whatever I do is wrong." I sat and thought about it a while (I've been thinking about it a lot lately) and it came to me. I finally knew what he was suppose to do.

So, angrily, I ask, "You want me to tell you what to do?" So I told him:

Be nice to me. Be SOOO nice to me. Offer to take me to my favorite restaurant or see the movie I want to see. Bring me the cat to hold. Rub my back. Hold me. Tell me it will be alright. Tell me we'll get through this. Say I'm sorry.

It really pisses me off that I have to tell him that. My husband is a great guy (and he puts up with a lot of crap from me, I'm not the easiest person to be married to I'm sure), and he's still learning how to live up to the Darling Husband tag that I call him. But was that so hard?

And why was it so hard for me to put my finger on it that my husband was falling seriously short in the "cheer up my sad wife" department?

I'm still not sure that he's ever said that he's sorry this cycle turned out so bad. Not that it's his fault, but you're just suppose to say that. He never thinks to hug me or hold me when I cry... or maybe he does after I've been doing it for a long time already and it's like, why didn't you do that when I started? It might be done with by now if you had.

So that's what my rock is suppose to be doing. Whether he gets it or not, he's suppose to be so damn nice that it will make me feel like I shouldn't be so sad.

It really losses it's charm when I have to tell him to be sweet to me or whatever.

That's pretty much where the conversation ended and then I continued to cry for few more hours. Dang, I'm miserable.

And now I'm realizing that he still hasn't really changed his tactics any. This is going to cause me to get mad again and I will have to go through this all over again. Why are these smart guys so dumb when it comes to this stuff, especially when I spell it out for him?

Reading this, I'm worried that people will think I'm married to a jerk or I should get a divorce or something like that. It's not like that. I think all marriages need regular maintenance work and if you're hearing about what needs fixing in someone else's marriage you can't really understand how small or large the problem is from the outside. As much as I hate to admit it, we fight. We need to fight and we fight fair so that our arguments strengthen our marriage instead of ruining it. I just wish IF would stop taking so many low punches.

Monday, December 29, 2008

She's a comin'

Oh, I think I can feel her (AF) already. As much as menstrual cramping sucks, it is reassuring to know that the medicine is doing it's job. Let the "running to the bathroom every hour to check for blood" begin!

It's that or I've got the damn stomach flu like everyone else.

I've had my suspicions about the prometrium. I've used it three times and bought it from 2 pharmacies. Both pharmacies are giant chain pharmacies.

Round 1 - Pharmacy A - Pills are somewhat soft to touch, no real side effects
Round 2 - Pharmacy B - Pills are Rock Hard, side effect: severe nipple pain
Round 3 - Pharmacy A again, pills and lack of side effects same as round 1

When I got the pills for round 2 and noticed how different they seemed from round 1, I immediately called both pharmacies to ask why their would be a difference. Both were well in date (many months till expiration). No explanations there. I called my RE's office and they couldn't help (they've never even see an actual prometrium pill).

Also, I was suspicious that I actually ovulated on my own right before I started my round 1 of prometrium. I can't be sure, but it may have happened and that means that it may not have mattered that I took the prometrium b/c I would have had a period anyhow.

I'm just always freaked that I could be getting bootleg pills. If AF comes like as expected, I guess I will just continue with pharmacy A since I didn't get the nipple pain side effects. If it doesn't, I'm calling my attorney general's office and the manufacturer. I promise to raise hell.

Here's my true suspicion: Pharmacy B buys counterfeit prometrium that is actually a cheaper drug that does the same thing (provera) and made to look like the real stuff. This would be fine (although very illegal) unless you were using it as a progesterone while pregnant, and then you could have birth defects from the impostor drug.

If anyone else has used prometrium (particularly the 100mg pills) do you remember if they were slightly soft to the touch, or did they just remind you of hard plastic balls? I think I should probably contact the manufacturer either way.

Update: According to the manufacturer they can be hard or soft. They were interested in the fact that I had side effects with the hard pills but not the soft ones and someone from quality control is suppose to give me a call.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My Xmas Vacation

Here are some highlights from visiting my inlaws:

-We took the cat. She did not like the car ride and I feel very guilty for making her go. She did love my inlaws oil vein heater and stayed infront of it the whole time we were there. Here she is cuddled between my feet on the ride down. Check out my awesomely coordinated Christmas socks and shoes.



-We went to mass and Father Dave gave another dreary and overall terrible homily about how Mary would have been told to abort Christ if she'd been pregnant today. Father Dave and priests like him are the reason that people leave the Catholic Church.

-At the end of church my husband's cousin's 2 year old projectile vomited over 3 pews, all over his mother and grandma and some innocent by standers. There are still times I'm glad I don't have children, and that is one of them. The family tried to clean it up but so much had already soaked into the pew cushion, so they flipped it over!!! Yes, that's right, there is a puke soaked cushion in a certain Catholic Church just festering. Gross. Don't feel bad for those by standers, they were a couple and the wife was clearly pregnant, I'm sure she'll get used to getting puked on.

-My SIL pissed me off. I tried to avoid talking to her much. Then on Christmas day she sat down at a table near me with a diet soda and said "I'm going to need a bunch more of these today." Ok, I know that you're never suppose to tell someone how to parent (or gestate) but there was a recent study that says smaller amounts of caffeine than previously thought will harm a fetus and increase the risk of miscarriage, so I couldn't help myself. I told her she shouldn't drink too much caffeine. She says back, "Well, my gynecologist says it's ok." So I say, "yeah, but this is a really recent study, your Dr. probably hasn't even read it yet." And then, with a lot of tone she says "Well, I'm sure if my dr. says it's fine then it is!" I hope everyone reading this understands where I was coming from. I was really pissed off by her. We didn't talk the rest of the trip, they left to go home while I was in the shower (and they didn't have to leave that soon).

-I emailed my SIL and apologized today... I'm not sorry for what I said, I'm sorry she took it the wrong way. But I'm still pissed. I told her in my email that I'd had a really bad month and spent more time crying lately than sleeping and was full up on hormones and am very sensitive right now. She wrote me back, but's it's clear that she didn't get it. She said some stuff like "I was wondering if something was wrong." Hey, then why didn't you ask me? It's not something I just want to start spouting out. She knew I was having infertility problems. And "You never congratulated me on being pregnant." No fuck I didn't congratulate you. I don't feel like it right now. Pregnant asshole.

-We had to leave the Christmas festivities to go back to the parent's house (we were at grandma's house) to feed the cat. This was after the SIL confrontation. I told DH I DID NOT WANT TO GO BACK OVER THERE. This of course started a fight. He just does not get what I'm feeling right now. I think he got it a little better after about 3 hours of me crying that night. At least I didn't have to go back, but I felt terrible and looked like shit the next morning (no sleep that night of course).

-DH's best friend came over before we left on Sat. He his wife had to work so it was just him and his baby girl. She was really delightful. DH's friend asked us to please have kids soon and preferably a boy so they could marry and we would all finally be family. I really like DH's friend, and I knew he meant well, but once me and DH were on the road and I let him know that was exactly why I didn't want to see his friends while we were down. I think my husband is starting to get it. We shall see.

-My odometer turned over 150,000 miles... I need a new car.

-I couldn't find Fluffy cat. My inlaws have some barn cats and there is one that I really like and I had my husband spay her and get her vaccinated last year so that she would be healthy and stop having kittens (they always die). She never came around. The only other two barn cats left were around. I got this pic of the momma cat sleeping in the manger scene... it kinda breaks my heart that they are not better taken care of. They get fed, but that's it... they are too wild to take to the vet. I hope the Fluffy cat is ok.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm Back!

Oh, boy, there is so much I want to write about. I'll get some of it out now and save the best for later after I get a chance to compose myself.

First, my computer crashed and burned after 6.5 years of good service. Well, merry early Christmas to me. I found a laptop I wanted while cruising the interwebs at work that day and bought it that night and picked up in the store on my way to the inlaws on Wednesday. I think I got a good deal. Not too excited about vista... but I can live with it. Very excited to finally have my own laptop.

On the downside I apparently haven't backed up my hard drive since grad school, so I will need to perform a HDDectomy to salvage it, or pay somebody to do it for me.

So, I had a shiny new toy and I already knew the internet connection would be a challenge at the inlaws... they use dial up and don't have a dedicated internet line. I thought it would be ok, I would do ICLW at night when it wouldn't interrupt phone calls and I could wait a little while for things to load, after all I was just going to read blogs... nothing too bandwidth intense.

I severely underestimated my inlaws' dial up. RIDICULOUSLY slow. Yes, we all know dial up is slow, but this was just wrong. No one since 1987 has experienced internet this slow. We tried everything to get it faster. Finally, today before we we're leaving my husband figured it out. My inlaws have a electric fence (they raise sheep) and (incase you're not familiar with electric livestock fences) it pulses and you can always hear a click on the phone line when you talk to someone that we had always suspected had to do with the fence... so my husband finally put it together with the slow internet, we turned off the fence (the sheep didn't get out) and behold, normal dial up speeds. My MIL was so grateful because she works from home and has to check her email and it's nearly impossible.

Later, before we left my husbands best friend stopped by with his 3 month old baby girl (that I got to hold and feed for the longest time) and he'd had the same problem with his fence and internet and just gave up and gets on at work (he's self employed, so no worries about the boss getting pissed). I wish he would have stopped by Wednesday night and had that conversation.

But now I'm home and connected to our wifi (it's finally getting some use). More later... must take care of business now... there is a large box sitting under the Christmas tree still and I believe it has a sewing machine in it for me.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I love/hate prometrium

I need prometrium. It's probably the best medication for me to induce a period... way quicker than BCPs and better success rate than provera. I can't complain about the flows I have on it either.

But, once I start that stuff up again, oh do I loath it.

It's during this time that I start really thinking negatively. Why am I doing this, why don't I just give up and file adoption papers? Or better yet, just forget about kids all together biological or adopted. It's never gonna happen. You're destroying yourself emotionally for no reason.

And I want to cheat... I don't really have to take it for all 10 days... my body probably wouldn't know any better if I only took it for 8 days. But the fear of having to repeat the whole script keeps me honest.

Oh, and the nipple pain.

But then AF comes and saves me. The best thing to happen when my cycle fails is AF. That seems sad, but that's just the way it is I guess.

Suggested prometrium catch phrases, please feel free to submit your own.
"Melts in your vagina, not in your hands."
"Not just for old ladies with hot flashes"
"Giving you your damned period since 1999"
"The progesterone supplement you can trust... to give you peach colored vaginal discharge"
"Progesterone supplementation, more fun than a transvaginal ultrasound"
"Why take provera when this takes twice as long and costs 10x as much?"
"Like your own progesterone, for that natural, bitchy feeling"

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tagged

So there are some tagging things going around, and lovely, sweet Kischa tagged me. I consider these thing equivalent to chain letters or emails that command you to forward them to 10 people or you'll be infertile (damn!). I'm not into that stuff, but Kischa seems to be a good person so I will fulfill my 7 facts and let this tag die here.

1. I became a vegetarian when I was 8, but no one else in my family is.

2. I have a tattoo of a shamrock (3 leafed, not 4 leafed) on my right hip.

3. I was a Girl Scout from Daisys up through graduating as a Senior. Actually, I have a lifetime membership. I earned a Gold Award. My troop mates are still my best friends even though we don't see each other very often anymore.

4. I had the biggest crush on Conan O'Brien when I was a teenager. Oh man, I still think he's hot. But I stopped watching his show after Andy Richter left... it just wasn't the same.

5. I was a planned c-section and my parents wanted me be born on Dec. 31 b/c my brother was born on the 31st of another month and they thought it would be easier to remember my birthday (also they wanted me born before the end of the year for taxes). The dr. had the 31st off so they decided to have me on the 30th instead (taxes again). They have forgotten my birthday twice.

6. My computer died in the middle of writing this post. I think it's totally gone... it was a nearly 7 year old Sony Vaio. I'm finishing this at work. I hope I didn't lose a bunch of info permanently... I have an external hard drive but I can't remember if I keep all the important stuff on it. I installed Picasa 3 yesterday and was clicking on a folder in it when this happened (it just went dead and won't give me a prompt at all)... now I'm suspicious.

7. I relate better to people that are older than me than I do to people my own age. Hopefully as my peers mature this will fix itself, but otherwise I'd rather hangout with the 40+ crowd than twenty something crowd.

Hope you enjoyed these random facts. Google Picasa is seriously on my enemies list now.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Where's my rock in this storm?

I've been disappointed with my husband lately. As far as we know, we don't have a male factor problem. His morphology was a little low but nothing concerning according to our RE. Our IF may be my fault, but I need more out of him.

I keep having mini meltdowns and blowing up at him during them. He's suppose to be my partner, but I feel so completely alone in going through this. I'm losing sleep, crying all the time, going to appointments, paying for appointments, watching what I eat, taking pills, peeing on sticks, etc. What's he doing? Not much other than making his sperm available to me.

I know that there is only so much that he can do, but he just doesn't do anything. I asked him the other night, "Have you ever even Googled "Morphology"?" No. Ok, I know I said I wasn't too worried about morphology, but it just shows that he doesn't really think about TTC when he does have to (when I'm crying and yelling at him he thinks about it).

The thing that has kinda set this off is that I have to go to his parents' home for Christmas. I don't want to go because ALL of his friends got their wives pregnant and had babies this year, and his brother just got his wife pregnant and I think they will be announcing to the family at Christmas. I just don't think I can handle it. I'm hyperventilating and crying at the thought of having to face all of that. I said to him, "If you knew how much I hurt right now, you would not make me go." And I meant it, but I still have to go.

I don't want him a wound up mess like me but he just doesn't seem to understand what I'm dealing with here. Does anyone know how can I get him more involved?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ruminating on my Cyst

I'm a little obsessed with this thing.

We don't know when it formed. I did not have a baseline u/s this cycle, b/c they told me I wouldn't need one, and I was fine with that. So it may have been there at the beginning of the cycle. I don't think it was... I think that evil clomid did this... I have heard that clomid is pretty notorious for causing cysts. I don't think I'll ever get to skip a baseline now.

I wrote on my side bar "Giant F-ing Cyst," or GFC, but I know this is no giant... it's just 29 mm... but I like calling it a GFC. I know what a giant cyst is though. My mom had a softball sized one about 10 years ago. It twisted around 3 times, cutting off blood flow to her ovary and she had to have emergency surgery to get it out. This story sticks in the back of my mind and is why I'm very grateful that it hasn't grown anymore.

I'm being very careful right now to not do too much vigorous movement. I don't want any holiday emergency surgery for myself. I'm going to be in my husband's hometown. Their hospital reminds me of the one on South Park (Hell's Pass)... that sounds about right for down there.

I thought I had a cyst awhile ago, just before I started treatment, but I never had a u/s to confirm it. If it was there, it resolved by my baseline (there was fluid around the ovary which seems like a pretty strong evidence that I wasn't imagining things) and hopefully this one will too.

I feel this cyst all the time it seems. It is at least annoying if not painful. I don't know when I actually started feeling this one... again, was it there before the cycle or was it the result of evil clomid? Last cycle I felt so much activity on my ovary but there wasn't anything there on CD 17 (and interestingly enough, I felt all the activity on my left ovary, where the cyst is now) so I tried to ignore feelings from down there since they didn't mean anything last time... or so I thought.

Next cycle we've already planned lots of monitoring. My nurse always asks me if I want to do monitoring and I say no but then call up later asking for a u/s. So this time, rather than fight it, I'm just getting it done. Plus, I still have a dose of trigger shot and I need to use that up. IFs got me, no use fighting it anymore.

Also, there were some suggestions to try Femara. I'm getting there, but I figure that I have 2-3 clomid cycles left before I move on to that. Next cycle will be 100mg clomid again. So far my lining hasn't been bad, 10 mm last cycle and 9 mm this one. We'll keep monitoring it.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I'm not THAT girl

I really wanted to be that girl. The girl that gets pregnant on her second clomid cycle. Who is she?

Surely she exists, but do you know her? No one does. If you honestly think that you could be the quick clomid success story you wouldn't be spilling your guts on the internet and crying your heart out every time you hear a friend is pregnant, right?

I really wanted to be that girl. I keep optimistically thinking that all I need to do is ovulate and that will be it. But I never ovulate. And when I don't ovulate it just reminds me that I'm no where near being that girl.

As I've journeyed along in the Land of IF I've met plenty of PCOS women. Funny, smart, wonderful PCOS women that deserve babies. A lot of them ovulate (by natural and artificial means) but they don't get pregnant... or sometimes they do but, sadly, it doesn't last. For some reason I think it will be different for me... once I ovulate. I'm getting off this island... as soon as I ovulate. But I see all these other women that are doing everything right and yet they remain here. I fear they foreshadow my own fate.

Please let this cyst go away and let me ovulate on my next cycle (and get pregnant, deliver a healthy baby).

Friday, December 19, 2008

Putting hope to bed

I imagined this u/s going both ways... like I expected or with her actually seeing a corpus luteum. I imagined that I would cry and ask for a picture of it (is it weird that I would be almost as excited about a CL as a fetus?).

It was a nice dream. I have a non-viable 29 mm follicle, aka, cyst.

On the brightside, it's not growing and I was able to start my prometrium before even dismounting the stirrups.

Also, my good friend Alcohol will be joining me for the holidays. He's a lot of fun and makes hanging out with the fertiles so much easier.

Better luck next cycle I guess.

Oh no, I think I was wrong

I'm writing this post at 3:30 am because I'm devastated.

It all looked so good and promising the other day. I thought it happened. I never got a the BBT that I wanted but the BBT that I got looked solid still.

I got two BBTs tonight, one earlier, 97.4 and one just a few minutes ago 97.2. Those are not LP temps.

I never ovulated.

My ovary kept hurting yesterday and I though maybe it was just still enlarged. Maybe something did pop yesterday, but what ever happened I'm pretty sure that there is no chance that it will result in a baby.

I'm just so disappointed. At least for one day I got to be happy and hopeful. I knew it was too good to be true.

Update-
I talked to my nurse and she talked to Dr. C. I basically begged for prometrium. I want AF to come and save me from the pain of another failed cycle ASAP. Dr. C decided it was alright and is going to let me have it and not making me come in for an u/s. I really debated whether or not to do a u/s... at the last minute I have decided to do it. It will be this afternoon. I have to know for sure if it's still there or not. It's killing me. If there is any chance I should hold out hope, I need to know.

Either way I'm doing the prometrium. This way I get my period and don't have to wait with cyst in tow for a couple of extra weeks. And on the plus side that I could have ovulated, progesterone supplementation should be a positive thing. If it's as I suspect, anovulation again, then starting prometrium today will bring AF in on Jan 1, 2009, and I hope she takes that cyst with her.

I'm so tired and heart sick.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

OVULATION

I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning because I can't sleep.

It happened just a little after 6:00pm yesterday as we were driving out for our anniversary dinner. I had to think about it for a second when I first started to feel it. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I have only ever knowingly ovulated once before and I thought back about it. When it happened that time it wasn't especially painful either, but distinct from other twinges of pain I'd felt down there. So if I remember correctly, this time was probably pretty similar. I felt sharp pain, and then again and again and again for a minute or two and that was it.

I wasn't 100% sure ovulation had happened, but before dinner was over I noticed that I hadn't had any more pains since the assumed mittelschmerz. Before I had regular pain every couple minutes at least. I still occasionally feel a little dull pain, but I figure that is consistent with ovulation and especially a gianormous follicle like I had.

Needless to say, but we had some very special anniversary sex.

Well, despite some pretty hard evidence, I really wanted to see if my temp shifted before declaring ovulation. I normally take it my BBT in the night and for the last couple of nights I have taken it multiple times per night. The first time I woke up was at the same time as I did yesterday for my first BBT of the night. It was definitely an elevated temp in the LP range. But the way, I was also sweating terribly and sticking to the sheets, just like I do on the prometrium.

After that I couldn't go back to sleep. Partly because I was still hot, but mostly because I'm so filled with hope right now I can barely contain myself. I've never been here (the 2WW) before. The other time I ovulated DH was out of town. This is such a big deal to me. Right now I'm trying to keep focused on the progesterone and not think about pee tests and betas. Let's just see what the P4 yields.

So I'm thinking every thought I could possibly have. Everything from hope to fear.

I laid in bed for a couple of hours trying to go to sleep. My target time for getting a BBT is 3:30am, but since I can't get back to sleep, I'm giving up. I still took it several more times before I finally got up (I remained very still to keep the readings legitimate) and I never got anything remotely near the FP. I'm going to go lay on the couch now and forget about any more BBTing tonight.

I'm very proud of myself this cycle for #1 trusting my instinct and going for that u/s and #2 getting the trigger shot. We all know and hate that phrase "You need to relax." Well who the heck knows what would have happened if I just relaxed, but I don't think I'd be doing a post right now on ovulation if I had "relaxed."

I also really want to thank my bloggy friends right now. The comments you all have left really are like hugs that comfort and make me feel better. And reading your blogs and sharing in your experiences has really helped me this cycle. There have been so many time that I have smiled or laughed lately that wouldn't have happened without this support network. I know that this has contributed to any success that I have had with the cycle. Thank you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A nice piece

I have a pretty long list of bookmarks. I try to organize it, but there is stuff that just doesn't fit into a folder so the list gets long. A while ago I bookmarked this piece from Slate: Watching the Couples Go By

I saw it today and since it is my anniversary I clicked it and re-read it. Something really touched me about it at the time and it still does.

It's a nice piece and not too long. Read it if you have the chance.

Happier Anniversary

I've been more than a little blue today (no kidding!). I have told some of my IF struggles to one of my female coworkers... she's actually still a student and transferring to the University of Hawaii in January so I figure telling her is ok since I don't have to work with her for the next 30 years.

She knew I was really depressed about not ovulating and she brought me a present today. She needed to get rid of her plants and gave me her Pregnant Plant (it looks something like this in case you were wondering). It's intentionally ironic, but was a well intended gesture so it brightened my day a little.

However, by mid afternoon I was in the gutter again. On top of not ovulating, my hip REALLY hurts (from the trigger of course). I can't even pull up my pants with out it hurting. So I was moping around the office making my way towards the chocolate candy dish by our nosey secretary's desk... she sees me coming and says, "Looks like you're not having a good day." Yeah. I was on the verge of spilling my little infertile saga out, but then, I see a green van pull up and a guy get out with flowers. I think, "Oh, somebody's getting flowers today." Then I think, "Dummy, it's your anniversary, you're probably the one getting flowers."

And I was. I almost cried right there. I completely forgot that DH usually sends me flowers. It wasn't fancy or anything, but it saved me in a moment when I was at the bottom. I love that guy.

happy anniversary

Today is me and DH's third wedding anniversary. Our marriage is strong and we love each other very much, so much more than the day we were married. We provide together and work to make each others lives happier and more comfortable. The only dark spot black hole is this infertility.

Today is also what I will call the *Official* anniversary to when we started TTC. Originally it was suppose to be when I turned 25, but we bumped it forward a couple of days to the anniversary (because I was so impatient I couldn't wait that long). And I actually stopped the pill a few days before this because the package ran out and I didn't want AF here on my anniversary. I can't honestly remember what day I actually stopped the pills on or when the withdrawal bleed happened... I wasn't obsessively documenting everything yet.

But for lack of a better date, today is our TTC Anniversary. Happy Anniversary.

For the record we were on the pill some of the last year because I'd read about needing to have a full year's worth of folic acid before getting pregnant to prevent premature birth. DH was about a month premature so it seemed like a good idea. All in all, we have spent 7 months hoping, praying, and waiting for something to happen. I know that's not much to some people and I imagine it only gets harder from here.

So it is appropriate that I sit here now with a still unruptured follicle. Today can go both ways. My follicle can sit there and remind me that this may never happen. Or it could release the egg inside it and give me a little hope. Pregnancy is nice, but I'd settle for some hope at this point. I think other anovulatory girls will understand what I mean by that.

A part of me thinks it was meant to be today, which will make it all the more disappointing if it doesn't happen. I know the trigger shot can take a while so it might not happen till after I go to bed tonight. I just hope I wake up tomorrow with a temp shift.

Maybe today is my lucky day... I took an HPT this morning to test the trigger shot and pulled 2 tests out of a single box. I only use the $Tree cheapies, but if that's a good sign I'll take it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I got the shot

So I talked to Nurse N. She said come and get one if you want it. I was fine with that, but kept asking her if Dr. C would mind since he/we decided against it yesterday. She didn't seemed concerned and I wasn't going to argue with that.

I'm glad I told my boss what's going on with me at my year end review so when I walked into his office at 9:45 today and said I need to drive to the city for a drs appointment, he did not question it and sent me on my way.

By the way, it's still really crummy weather outside right now. It snowed last night and is doing more today and will only get worse as the day goes on, so I'm really glad I could come before it got any worse out there.

When I got to the clinic, I asked if I could watch the nurse mix the shot. I watched a video about mixing the shot on one of the manufacturer's websites and got lost, so I really wanted to see how this was done in case I have to do it again.

Well, I guess they only give 5,000 (units?) shots unless your doing an IVF (then you get the whole 10,000) so each vial set has 2 doses in it. They told me I could use the one they already had in the fridge or go get a new one and see how it's mixed. Since I wanted to see it mixed I went to the pharmacy, waited for 1/2 hour, and got a new one.

Then I get back and the nurse does it so fast and doesn't explain anything so there was really no point in all that. Although, apparently it was cheaper to buy directly from the pharmacy than the clinic. The shot cost $45 in case anyone was wondering.

Then when she injected me I think a bunch leaked out or something... There were drips down my back and I don't think it was blood. I was already worried that it wouldn't work and now I'm worried that I didn't even get the full dosage.

So, I got the shot approximately 11:00am and it's now 1:30pm and I'm starting to feel a little light headed. I take it that is due to the HCG. Maybe it will be ok.

I continue to plead with my ovary to pop that sucker. Maybe the popcorn I ate at lunch will inspire some ovulation.

It's still there!!!

I was so shocked yesterday to see that I had a real chance at getting pregnant this cycle. I was thinking, wow, could it be that easy for me? Just two cycles of clomid and pregnant?

Now, at 6:30 this morning, I sit at my computer trying to ward off the depression of another anovulatory cycle. The damn thing is still there. No temp shift, no mittelschmerz, no ovulation.

I want the shot. If someone does not give it to me today, I'm going to go nuts. I agreed to not take it yesterday because I foolishly thought it would happen on it's own. I'm a dummy. My body doesn't do anything on it's own.

This thing could still be growing, my beloved follicle is nearing unwanted cyst status.

Let's say I caught the peak perfectly the other day with my LH strip. Then I believe that I should O within 36 hours. That will be approximately 9:00am today or in 2hrs and 15mins. I'm calling up there and demanding a shot. Make the madness end.

Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop. Please pop.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Big Update Time

My RE's receptionist called me this morning (since I left a voice mail for someone to call me first thing today), but unfortunately the nurse and ultrasound tech were having a hard time getting in (due to the weather) and she couldn't find Dr. C. I told her that my temp had not shifted yet, but was still interested in a u/s before the HSG and to pass that along as soon as she could get someone. I also told her I had another appt. until 10 (HSG at 10:30) so it would be tight getting me in there.

Right before the acupuncture appt the receptionist called me back and said that I could come do the u/s as soon as my other appt was finished. So me and DH cautiously boogied on over there after the acupuncture since the roads were still a little slick. Got in, and I felt really special because the u/s tech apparently never made it in, so Dr. C himself gave me the u/s.

So, I kept thinking, I'm really silly, sitting here at CD10 right before an HSG getting a u/s done. This is a waste and I've screwed up other people's schedules too.

Well as soon as the probe got in there, we all saw it... a big fat follicle measuring 29mm on my left ovary. I think we were all a little surprised, but it looks good and were very optimistic at this point. We discussed triggering and decided against it. We also decided not to do the HSG since it was so large.

He and the nurse took a look at my OPKs and agreed that they looked positive. And, I felt vindicated because he said that there is no reason that clomid should cause a false positive and I had a fight with a "Clomid Diva" that insisted it did on the WebMD boards last cycle.

I got home and did another OPK and it appears that the surge is over, so hopefully I will O very soon. Dr. C wanted me to get my progesterone done a week after I O and since I may be out of town he gave me a script for it.

But can you believe it? A 29mm follicle on CD10! I'm a little scared that it could become a cyst, but let's hope it's for real and everything goes right.

I'm sure some of you are wondering about the acupuncture. He stuck a dozen or so needles in me and let me lie there for about a half hour and put a heater over my abdomen. It was relaxing and I felt somewhat calmer afterwards. In case you were wondering, you can't really feel the needles... maybe just a slight tingling.

With the holidays coming up we decided to do a full fertility session in January (today's was more relaxation oriented). Apparently I need to go 2x a week for 3 weeks... or was it 2x a week for 6... I can't remember... too much stuff today.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What's this, EWCM?

I always seem to get a little tripped up when I plan things. For instance, tomorrow is my HSG and the weather is trying to foil it travel plans. There is going to be some serious icing before tomorrow. DH has offered to drive me in his big truck which I appreciate, but I'm still worried.

I have never actually seen real live fertile CM, so I could be mistaken, but I just went to the bathroom and got a surprise. I cracked a couple of eggs earlier today (to make these Ricotta Pancakes) and the stuff I saw bears a stricking resemblance to EGG WHITES. Now, it's not stretching quite as much as I've been told it should, but I'm seriously thinking that I may be ovulating soon and an if it were any time before or during the HSG that would be a bad thing. FYI, today is only CD9... so we are definitely a little early.

I hadn't started OPKs yet, but I'm going to do one before I go to bed tonight. If by chance it is positive, I won't be able to tell if it's real or a false positive from the clomid so I will be leaving a voice mail at my clinic... I may need a u/s to make myself feel better about going ahead with the HSG. If it's negative, I will go on my merry way as planned, weather permitting.

No matter what, I'm stoked. Fertile CM, from me? No Way!!! Even if I'm not peaking yet, it looks to be a very good sign for this cycle.

Big updates tomorrow, stay tuned!

Mini Update
Is this a positive, cause it looks like it could go both ways to me. There is a part of the line that is darker, but it is very narrow, overall the line is lighter. I should have bought those damn happy face sticks!

Seriously?

Last night was my company's Christmas party. We had it at the best restaurant in town, which isn't saying much. Last time I was there I used the downstairs bathroom and noticed a *very* strange toilet in it (this is a women's only restroom just to be perfectly clear).

This time I got a picture of it, behold...


A stand up toilet? Maybe these are normal in other parts of the country, but around here we sit or squat... we do not stand up with our thighs flanking a porcelain bowl. The foot pedal flush is not a bad idea though. Also, just to be clear, it does not seem to be some kind of weird bidet either (which would still be VERY unusual for a bathroom around here).

I showed this picture to my husband and told him I was going to put it on my blog. He said, "You have a blog?" To which I reply, "Um, yeah, I told you about it a couple of times, I even mentioned that I would rather you not read it... I've been doing it since September. Haven't you wondered what I've been spending all my time on the computer doing?" So apparently my husband hasn't been paying attention to what I've been saying or doing for a few months now. *rolling eyes*

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Et tu Flaxseed?

Disclaimer: I ain't a Dr. or a nutritionist and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, so don't read too much into this.

So I was making my morning bowl of oatmeal the other day.... I'm already resentful that I'm using milk to make it rather than soy milk (it's just better with soy milk). And as I got my ground flaxseed out of the fridge to add to my oatmeal, I thought about the wonderfulness of flax:

ALA Omega-3's
Fiber
A little protein
Reported cancer fighting abilities
Lignans
Help regulating thyroid*
Fewer allergies (Really, I haven't had sinus problems since I started taking it and I usually get walloped by them a couple times a year.)

But why do I have fewer allergies? I don't know exactly, but I think it has something to do with flaxseed's anti inflammatory properties... wait, what? ANTI INFLAMMATORY! Ovulation is an inflammatory process. You need inflammation to ovulate. That's why you are suppose to watch how much NSAID (advil, asprin, etc.) pain reliever you take.

So I have done a bit of research and the jury's still out... this paper thinks flaxseed helps ovulation and lengthens the LP (but it's very weak paper). And this one says I'm screwed because I'm a vegetarian (there is also a blurb in this one about eating soy and how it has been found to extend the FP, hence why I'm skipping soy this cycle). I don't know what to think anymore.

So, I guess I'm going to cut back on the flaxseed until I get to the LP or find some real evidence that it will help me O. Breakfast is really starting to suck.

*Please do your own research on this and talk to a dr. before using flax for this reason... too much flax could be a very bad thing for thyroids. I informed my Dr. about my use of flax and also had my thyroid tested while on flaxseed to make sure that things still worked alright.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Busy Week

I've been pretty tired this week. It started with a disruption in sleep to go to the game last weekend. Then I had a bunch of deadlines at work so I came early and stayed late a bunch, including Wednesday when I had to be at the office to leave for a meeting at 6:30am. Normally, I wouldn't think much of all of this, but it causes me to stress out a little that I'm not getting enough sleep and defeating my goal.

And then Church. I have already been to church 3 times this week (I consider that to be a lot). I don't mind going, but it adds complexity to my schedule and wears me down a little more. Plus this week I gave Penance for the first time ever (as I was only baptized at Easter). I was pretty nervous about doing it and then I got in there and the priest didn't follow the format (they give you a little cheat sheet that tells you what you are suppose to do) so I was really confused. DH made me feel better since he said that caught him off guard too. Glad to have it done anyways. No church again until Sunday.

So, I've been so tired that I don't want to cook or clean when I get home. I'm feeling like a sucky wife this week because of that. No only that but I snapped at DH the other night. After I snapped, I wondered was it just because I was tried or did it have something to do with the Clomid... or Clo-mood.

I didn't really notice "moodiness" last cycle and this cycle I noticed that I'm a little more "dark and brooding" than normal. Tired or Clomid or just a little depressed? I hope it alleviates itself after I finish up the Clomid.

One Clomid side effect that did return this cycle was the headaches. Infact, just yesterday morning I was thinking, "Wow, I'm so glad I haven't had any of those headaches this cycle." Then, as I was driving into work a sharp, stabbing, splitting headache made herself known. Dammit.

I'm kinda jumping around here, but yesterday someone at work stole my opened bag of baby organic carrots from the fridge. They are not there. I even had someone help me look. I was busy and didn't get to lunch till about 1:30 and my carrots were gone. Who the heck would eat nearly an entire bag of someone else's carrots? What the heck. I seriously thought about going through everyone's office trash to find the culprit if I had to stay so late that I was the last one there. I didn't stay that late, and it's probably a good thing. I think I am going a little crazy.

TGIF

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Choo Choo!

Post Edited 12/12 :(

I'm rooting hard for all the girls cycling right now.

I hope a BFP train gets a going, and I hope it stops at me too, of course, but I'm still a way off.

I wanted to mention some of the things that I am doing differently this cycle to improve my odds.

1. Higher Clomid dosage (of course!)
2. Taking my metformin religiously at 6:30 am and pm EVERY day
3. The HSG
4. The acupuncture
5. No soy at all till I get to the LP. No soy milk, no edamame, no tofu.
6. We're going to try EOD until I get a positive OPK, then ED through O
7. By the way, I AM GOING TO O (if I believe it, maybe it will happen)
8. Cup of green tea every day
9. Staying away from the sometimes distressing IF boards
10.More prayer than last cycle... I'm newish to religion and it seems to be helpful.

I hope that helps. I'm putting 100% into this cycle.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Acupuncture

I am seriously looking into acupuncture. Why? Because I've heard it's relaxing and it might be beneficial. I know that some studies have shown that IVFers do better when they have acupuncture done. I don't imagine too many studies have been done on Clomid users.

This really started when I was planning to get the HSG done. I thought that a massage might be a nice treat after the procedure... but visions of me leaking all over the table make that not sound like so much fun.

On the other hand, acupuncture is about the same price and may have additional therapeutic benefits. I think maybe it sounds weird to say that I'm doing acupuncture at this stage of TTC, but it probably would not sound strange to say that I'm getting massages. So let's just call it a glorified massage... but with needles.

So the only other challenge is finding the right acupuncturist. There are 4 in the area. One is out b/c she isn't in on Mondays and I want a treatment before my HSG on Monday. Another is suppose to call me today and we'll talk. He has lots of hours, a definite plus. If he doesn't work out, then I'll try the other 2.

By the way, 3 of the 4 are chiropractors that also do acupuncture. It also happens that my oldest brother is a chiropractor that does acupuncture (he lives too far away to use). There is a pretty well known chiropractic college around here and they probably all went there and have the same training. I'm tempted to call my brother and ask him what I should look for, but I would have to tell my brother why I'm going and I don't want to do that. Also, I kinda think chiropractors are quacks (and even though I have my personal doubts, I do believe that there is value in chiropractic services and that some people are helped by it, this is my personal belief and not something I will debate with anyone) and I try to avoid that discussion with my brother.

Ok, so if I think chiropractor are quacks, why am I doing this? Because I've heard it's relaxing and I need to relax (I know, I said it), and it's this or massages... and this might actually be cheaper. I bet I can use my flexible spending account to pay for this too. Should have put more money in it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

HSG Scheduled

It's going down on the 15th. I am pretty freaked out about it right now. I'm freaked out about the pain... I'm freaked out about them finding something wrong... I'm freaked.

I keep stopping to take a breath and think:

1. I am not the first person to have this done. Women get it done all the time. It's a friggin IF rite of passage. Stop being such a whimp about it.
2. It's important to know that this checks out. I don't want to keep fooling around with all this TTC crap with possibly closed tubes. So you're doing it whether you want to or not.
3. Maybe it will help me get pregnant. Getting pregnant is the goal so stop whining.
4. It probably will not be that bad, maybe not pleasant, but not that bad. You tolerate this stuff pretty well. So get over it.
5. If I can't handle this I had better just give up right now.

Yeah, I know that giving birth is supposed to be painful, but at least you get a baby at the end. And I have heard from some people that their HSGs were more painful than giving birth. I had better get something good out of this... Taco Bell ain't cutting it.

So the only question is, should I make my husband come? I would like to leave him at home so that I can do some Christmas shopping afterwards, but I might be a bit optimistic if I really think I can do this alone. Anyone got an opinion?

Also, I appreciate comments, but I do not want to hear any bad HSGs stories. On the other hand, if your HSG was a stroll through the park, please do tell.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Three Cheers for AF

So after a bad night Friday, I was looking at a worse day for Saturday.

We were suppose to head to the Big 12 game in Kansas City and get there early to tailgate in the parking lot for 5 hours. I'm not a tailgater, but why on earth would you want to be out in December weather for 5 hours drinking beer? I kept bugging DH with this question and about the time we we're suppose to leave one of his friends called and said that plans changed, cause, yeah, 5 hours is a little long in December. Now only planning 3 hours before the game. So we got to leave a little later which was good cause I wasn't ready to go.

And I wasn't ready to go cause I felt like crap. Both because of Friday night and also because I expected Saturday to be CD 1 and my guts were cramping a bunch gearing up for it. I was a total stick in the mud. Even saying things to DH like "I just don't know how to be happy right now." I was just miserable (to be around).

But thanks to the extra time, I was able to get ready and we even got to go have lunch at a favorite restaurant. I went to the bathroom before we left, and there she was, good old AF, right on time. It completely changed my day. Sure, AF gave me a bunch of really uncomfortable cramps and added diapering duties, but she also brought a life preserver to save me from the misery of my last cycle and give me some new hope with the next. I came back from the bathroom a whole new person. Happy again.

Well, so far it appears planning still counts for something. AF came right when she was supposed to. Let's hope the ovulation I planned on CD 14 works out too.

So, by the way, we lost the game. bad.

Have you ever tried to change a tampon with 4 shirts on and a coat in a nasty stadium bathroom? I don't recommend it.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Paingasm

So, I cried last night... a lot. I don't think I've cried that much in a long time. It was a bad cry where your insides all contract and you have to shut your eyes so tight it hurts and you can't breathe for a few moments. The only thing I can compare it to is an orgasm, but you know, the opposite, a paingasm.

I shouldn't be so upset. It's not like I've been trying for that long yet. I could get pregnant on my next clomid cycle. Or not. It could take years and thousands of dollars with no guarantee of a baby. I don't know which yet, but I have to live with the possible reality of the latter.

A big part of why I am so particularly saddened by this news is that I really like my SIL. We are a pair when we're together. She knows that I'm having IF problems. I was kinda hoping she would too. Not because I want her to have this pain (I wouldn't wish that upon anyone), but because I thought I would have a real life friend to go through this with. Right now, I don't really have anyone in real life I can share this with. I have "come out" to one of my friends. She is supportive, but I don't see her very often and she and her boyfriend are a long way from actively pursuing children, so she can't really relate. But she listens, and that's something. Oh, I came out to my mom too... all she did was say "Well, we knew that," and went back to fawning about my other SIL and the baby. I'm chopped liver to my mom.

Anyhow, I really do hope I get pregnant next cycle now, then me and Kate can be pregnant together. She's my friend, I don't want her to leave me behind. That's my real fear.

The other thing that bothered me, is the DH doesn't seem to understand what is going on here. We had a conversation the other night as I was trying to figure how much to put into my flexible spending account... drs visits, ultrasounds, copays, clomid, prometrium, injectables... He's like, well you don't think they'll put you on injectables that quickly do you? Um, YES! I had to re-explain that you only get so many clomid cycles and then left some room for femara since my RE seems to like that stuff, but then we will definitely be to injectables. If we aren't pregnant by mid year, I suspect that I will be chocking my RE by the tie around his neck if he doesn't offer me an injectable cycle.

So DH still lives in a fantasy world and maybe I'm part of the reason why. I've been optimistic--you have to be. But I know the truth and ignore it (till last night). He doesn't know the truth like me and I had to give it to him last night.

So now I feel really shitty. For being so bitter when I should be happy. For crying all night. For snapping at DH.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Ugly Bitter Side

I just got home after a very long day. I am tired. Guess what my husband tells me, "Guess what, Kate's pregnant!" (Kate=SIL, married to DH's brother)

Me: Thanks for the fucking message. That just made today so much better (can you hear the thick sarcasm over the internet). If you hear about anyone else getting pregnant today, please keep it to yourself.

Seriously, breaking inside right now. When did they start trying, like June? Kill me now.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Could I be pregnant?

I always get really annoyed by those girls that post on boards wondering if they could be pregnant cause they are tired and their boobs hurt. I don't know! Why are you asking me? Go out and buy a damn test. If you don't believe what the test says, get a freaking beta done. Stop annoying me.

And, no, I'm not pregnant, nor do I think that I'm pregnant. Progesterone really screws with me. I'm sure (or at least hope) that AF is on her merry way and apparently I'm almost out of tampons. I must not be caught unprepared and go to the store tonight (my lining was a 10 if you get what I mean).

As the progesterone leaves my system and my boobs go from DEFCON1 to peace time conditions, I am thankful. I just about couldn't function without a bra on. Oh, and it hurt like hell to take it off. I was like Jennifer Aniston during the last couple seasons of friends. I have to wonder, if my body was used to getting a monthly dose of progesterone would it have bothered me so much? I think my sensitivity must be higher since I have only had exposure to progesterone a couple of times.

Also, my sense of smell gets jacked around every time I have a hormonal change. I could about gag on my male coworkers' cologne right now. Why do they all have to put so much on? Don't they shower and wear deodorant? Proper hygiene eliminates the need to spray stinky crap all over you. One guy was only in for a few minutes this morning and I can still smell it by his office. I can't even walk by another guy's office. He uses the strongest smelling fabric softener I have ever smelled (my mom used to use it so I'm sure I know what it is). It normally makes my eyes water so I'm not risking going any closer than I have to. Days like this I fantasize about sending an office wide email asking people to not wear scents that may be offending or distracting to others.

And to add to the fun, I have had bunch of headaches lately. I would like to pretend that the other day talking to my boss has was the exception, but I have had a throbbing head for the last several days. I don't think it's sinuses. These headaches remind me of my clomid headaches which seems pretty weird to me. I'm avoiding Advil and taking Tylenol and it doesn't seem to be helping.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

End of Year Review

Yesterday was my end of year review with my boss. I think it went well. I like my boss, he's a really good guy and a good manager. I like my company. That said, occasionally, certain things get to me. Like the fact that I work for a mid sized engineering firm and there a very few female engineers (I'm an engineer), and I'm not sure that their are any female project managers. And I don't think their are any black people employed by my company, at least I haven't met any, but we have several offices, so maybe their is someone I don't know. I'm not implying that my company discriminates, it's just that most engineers in this country are white men. That will have to change at some point. (I guess I should note that DH is a white, male engineer.)

But all that aside, I still like my job and company and my review went well. When we got to the end my boss asked me if their was anything else we need to discuss. I said no. We talked some more. Then he asked me again. And I hesitated, but I said yes.

Last year at my end of year review, I told him that I had health issues that made me believe that I couldn't put off having children till a better point in my career and me and DH were going to start trying.

So this year, I reminded him of what I said last year and gave a bit of an update that went something like this, spoke very fast:

Well, you know, for some people it just happens, but not for me. So now I'm seeing a specialist 30 min away, and I'm lucky that's all the farther I have to go. And I never really know very far in advance when I will need to take off and go there. It depends on whether certain things happen and I might just wake up one morning and need to go. So I'm kinda unpredictable right now. And they have me on hormones and they have side effects. And I can be kinda grumpy on them, but so far the worst problem has been the splitting headaches. And I'm really worried about my treatments continuing. They might get very expensive and we've prepared, it's just that it makes me more anxious and that's the real problem. You hate to spend the money and feel like your throwing it away. And if I do get pregnant, I have a 45% risk of miscarriage for the particular problem that I have. So the road is long and scary and covered with land mines. It's great. No, just kidding, it's not, that was a lie. It's terrible. (laugh nervously) And I'd tell you more but I'm sure that you don't want to know the details (Boss: No, I don't). But it's really hard. I have to wake up in the middle of the night every night and take my temperature. And the secretary is suspicious of why I've been coming and going and I'm just going to let her think what she wants (nosey secretaries are so cliche). And now you probably better understand why I was so upset about the pharmacy closing the other week, and....

Well, after I got done with the verbal puking about my infertility, I felt better, except for the splitting headache that must have been caused by my blood pressure spiking. My boss understood and was fine. I think he appreciates knowing. He wished be good luck. I said that I would take it.

I felt like that character Judy Grimes played by Kristen Wiig on SNL.

Oh, yeah, and I finished the prometrium last night, so if anyone has seen Aunt Flo, please send her my way.

Monday, December 1, 2008

My Christmas List

My brother in law maintains the family Gift List Blog. Everyone posts their wish lists for Christmas and checks out what everyone else wants. This is extremely helpful and makes everyone's life a little easier. Plus, you are highly likely to get what you want.

So I need to get a list up. But I can't think of anything. Normally their is tons of stuff I've thought of by now. This year all I can think up are some gift cards. But then, today, I was thinking and their is plenty of stuff I want:

OPKs (Answer or Clearblue)
HPTs (Any kind except +/- tests)
Prometrium (100 mg)
Tampons (Tampax compact pearls)
Muscenix 12hour extended release
Robitussin
Tylenol
Prenatal Vitamins
Martek "life's DHA" Omega-3 supplements
Massage gift certificates
Acupuncture gift certificates
$$$ (saving for more expensive treatment)
Magic 8 Ball

What a Merry Christmas I'll have.