Saturday, January 24, 2009

Now comes the scary part

The last 21 days (not to mention the 20 before that) have been agonizing. The BCPs were alright at first, but as time has gone on, even though the days left were fewer they passed more and more slowly.

Now it's over, but not any better.

It's nearly truth time. Is the cyst still there? Yes or No... or no, it's gone, but a new one grew up on the right ovary (Pills are suppose to prevent that right?). Sometimes I think its gone, but most of the time I'm sure it's still there.

I was apprehensive about my first baseline scan. What if I didn't actually have ovaries, what if I was really a man on the inside? Growing up with PCOS and amenorrhea does weird things to your sense of femininity and womanhood. Even though the u/s was normal for PCOS I just felt relieved that everything was in there.

There was my scan after my first round of clomid showing failure, then the scan the revealed the cyst, then the scan that confirmed it was a cyst and clomid cycle 2 was a complete failure.

Then, when I went last time to see if the GFC was gone, I was optimistic and really thought it was gone. Like much in IF, I think the disappointment was harder to take than the diagnosis.

So other than confirming that I'm not secretly a man, my u/s have all brought bad news so far.

So this time I'm trying not to be optimistic to avoid the let down. But I want that cyst to be gone almost more than anything else in the world right now. All I can do is think about the u/s right now. When the frick will AF get here and when can I get an appointment because I have to know, good or bad, now.

I've even been thinking about what to say to my u/s tech... something like "Please just tell me as soon as you see it, otherwise I might start to get hopeful and when you get to the end and tell me it's still there, it's going to kill me." or "Tell me as soon as you see it so that I can be put out of my misery." or "If you don't say anything to me at all I will just assume the worse and I think that will be easier than having to hear it out loud again."

I just want to be a mother, I wish this cyst would go away so I could at least try.


Celia said...

Oh Babydoll, that effing cyst is evil. I hope to God it is gone. Death to GFC!

I always feel like the ultrasound tech is the most powerful person in the world. I HATE when they don't tell you right away.

Good Egg Hunting said...

It is so hard to know how to prepare yourself for the verdict from the tech. In all likelihood your GFC is gone -- I will be sending good vibes your way!

butterflyanla said...

Cyst Suck, I am sorry you are dealing with one. I understand about secretly wondering if you are really a man. Dealing with PCOS sucks. I did a paper on intersexuality last semester and I found myself wonder if I truly was a man also. Of coarse we aren't but damn pcos sure does feel that way sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I know, I am stressing about these damn cysts and if they are going to be gone whenever I do get to have the next baseline scan. I seriously don't think I could handle another cycle off. I am really hoping your GFC is gone. I don't have any advice for how to prepare or what to ask the tech to do. The anxiety sucks. I have to believe that the BCPs have done their job.

I totally understand your fears about the ovaries at your first scan! At my very first ultrasound, I was scared to death that they would tell me that I didn't have a uterus or something. It was such a relief to find out that I do in fact have all the girl parts, but they just don't want to work correctly.