Saturday, January 31, 2009

Renew Your 2009 Membership!

I said at the start of December's cycle I was giving it my all. Well here we are again and I'm sure that I'm trying to give even more this cycle. And when the last cycle didn't work out I was devastated. I'm almost embarrassed to say that since I really haven't been at this for that long. I think it's that I had prepared myself for a lot of outcomes, just not a cyst... and I tried so hard to make myself ovulate and couldn't do it. Add on top of that the holidays, my SIL's pregnancy, and a husband that just doesn't get it and I feel lucky to have made it to 2009.

And back to the present, I have invested a lot in this cycle. If I don't ovulate again, I don't know how upset I will be. All along I've been thinking that if I just ovulate I'll be happy enough with that cycle that I will be able to take the pain of a BFN... just so long as I make progress. Now I'm done convincing myself of that. I want to ovulate AND get pregnant this cycle. Ambitious, I know.

I've billed myself as an infertile, but if my only real infertility is anovulation and if I manage to lay an egg, I really expect to get pregnant very quickly. If I start ovulating and get BFNs, I'll have to think about the fact that ovulation might not be the only barrier or maybe the odds just aren't in my favor.

A part of me feels like I'd be some kind of fraud if I managed a successful pregnancy so quickly... well first, that "if" is a big one, and second, "fraud"--I have this secret fear that you all will hate me if I get a positive... I'd probably hate me a little. I would get kicked out of the Infertile Club. A part of me would feel apologetic for the BFP, like I had lied to you all, "Hey y'all, turns out I'm a Fertile Bitch after all!" I know my fear is kinda silly. I mean, all any of us wants to do is get pregnant and there is no fairness to who gets that precious gift and who is sentenced to another month.... All I know if that every BFP given out in this community is a special and I have no doubt that we all deserve to be given that gift.

But I'm sure you all know the truth already, it doesn't matter that you get pregnant and have a baby, the Infertile Club comes with an automatic lifetime membership.


Celia said...

No, we won't hate you. Silly. All anyone wants is to get OUT of this damn club. Even though you are right that it will always be a part of us.

I freely and openly admit to hating Breeders. Whatever, the rest of the world caters to their fertile asses, they can live without my love.

Shannon said...

I feel the absolutely the same about really believing that if I can ovulate, we'll get pregnant quickly. But even if that is true, I've learned that even just ovulating is not a given. First the Clomid didn't work, then the Gonal-F made me over-respond. At this rate, it could take forever to get the right number of follicles and actually ovulate them.
As far as I'm concerned, regardless of how long you've been a part of the IF club, it's still a part of you and it still hurts. I'd love to see you get a BFP soon :)

Anonymous said...

Good luck on your BFP this cycle - I won't be mad, I think I get more encouraged when I know another fellow infertile has beat the odds.

Celia said...

I wish I could send you one of my ovulatory months. Because they are not doing diddly for us. Male factor- grr.

I feel like his sperm must be just like him, perpetually late, refusing to ask for directions and insisting on stopping for coffee on the way. By that time the egg- sadly probably as bitchy as me has stomped off to blog about how her date is always late.

Anonymous said...

We would most definitely not hate you! I would be thrilled if the 150mg of Clomid does it for you. There are plenty of women out there who do get preggo in the first few months of clomid, and I'd love to have it happen to someone I respect and like! You are right, every BFP given out in this community is special, and there isn't any fairness involved. It would be great if there was some giant waiting list and if we all knew we would get babies at some point after putting in some time, but it doesn't work that way. I hope hope hope that we all get babies at the end of this.