Friday, January 2, 2009

Wrong again

I was staring at the ceiling during the u/s. I asked her if it was gone. She didn't answer immediately. I looked at her. She frowned and said no. I cried. She patted my leg trying to comfort me, I wish it would have helped.

I tried to wait around for the RE to talk with me, but I had to leave for my hair appointment and I didn't figure he would have anything that really mattered to say to me anyhow. My nurse was suppose to call in some BCPs for me. I already picked up my metformin refill and the BCP's weren't called in yet. I will have to go back into town tomorrow to get them I guess.

I canceled my acupuncture session. I didn't see the purpose. My acupuncture guy called me later. Optimistically, we will probably go ahead and try to start again in about 2 weeks... theoretically about two weeks before my next cycle.

I feel silly crying and getting so upset over this cyst. It's not like I've had a miscarriage or something truly terrible, but at the same time it is complete failure when you don't ovulate ever and it's very, very upsetting.

A small part of me is actually looking forward to taking BCPs again. For the next three weeks I will get to be old Amanda. Normal Amanda. Amanda that's not constantly sad or freaked out about infertility. This Amanda sucks and I kinda miss old Amanda. Of course, something tells me that I will never really get to be old Amanda again.

I had to go to the store. I was walking past the liquor aisle. I stopped went back and picked up a big bottle of margaritas. I haven't had one in forever. Seems appropriate right now.


Good Egg Hatched said...

I'm so sorry. And you know what? Don't beat yourself up over being upset. I have now experienced both the pain of miscarriage and the frustration of not ovulating and while they are different emotions I know that being upset over the latter is very powerful. It is demoralizing to feel that you have no control, that you're not able to take action toward getting pregnant. I know it seems like every day takes forever when you're waiting but the time will go by quickly and before you know it that cyst will be out of here and you'll be back on track. Sending you a big hug.

Celia said...

A frozen margarita sounds just the ticket. If it was practical I would loan you our kitten.

Maybe not today, since he got into the bean dip again. ahem.

Anonymous said...

((((Hugs)))) & more (((Hugs)))... In the IF world there's always something! I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

I agree with Celia - a frozen margarita may help, atleast for a little while.

Jacqueline said...

Not sure how readily available this books are anymore, but in 2004, I read PCOS by Collette Harris and PCOS and Your Fertility by Harris and Theresa LeYung and found the two books extrememly helpful (they come from a holistic approach and recommend all sorts of alternative remedies). Also, the health info at Women to Women dot com is excellent Here's their main article for PCOS (general, but can point you in different directions for hormonal balance, diet changes, stress reduction (which I personally think plays a huge role in bettering everything) and learning more about insulin resistance, etc.). General site:, PCOS:

Good luck!
Jacqueline Tourville
coauthor, Big, Beautiful and Pregnant

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Amanda, I'm so sorry. Each cycle that is sat out or is anovulatory feels like the end of the world. Waiting sucks, and it sucks even more if waiting means more and more waiting. I know how frustrating it is, and I'm sorry. I think that's why I chose to go straight into another cycle after the miscarriage. I couldn't take the anovulatory madness and subsequent interminable provera wait that occurs in my body if I don't do a medicated cycle.

The only positive thing I found was that sometimes during those waiting cycles, I was able to let go the ttc obsession for a few weeks. I hope the bcp's resolve it quickly and you can get started on another cycle soon. Has your RE said if Clomid might be causing these cysts and if Femara might be worth trying?

The Wife said...

I'm so sorry that this cycle was a big wash out. I can imagine how frustrating it is to not be able to at least try for this cycle. My thoughts and prayers are with you.