Friday, February 6, 2009

Retrospective Perspective

I was thinking what it would be like to get a positive. Some of you have already had them so maybe you know what it’s like already… but I’m thinking more retrospectively about it… Retrospectively thinking about the future… don’t think about that too hard if you are smoking pot right now. Actually this post might be a little out there for those with both feet firmly planted on the ground. Bear with me.

“Retrospectively,” it’s a really calm and relaxed way of thinking about it. “I remember just looking down and it was there and then it was all different. I wasn’t trying anymore, I was.”

I’ve been really anxious lately, nervous thinking, “I just think if I can make it till (blank), I’ll be ok.” But this retro thought has helped me to find a little peace.

I think that after you’re pregnant and thinking back on your TTC time, and the anxiousness of it will go away… not the pain, but hopefully the anxiousness of it all. Of course, then there will a whole new host of things to be anxious about.

I just want to think that thought a little more. “I remember looking down and being amazed. I remember the happiness I felt at that moment.”

And it’s a thought that keeps going on… I think about what it would be like to think about that moment when I’ve been pregnant for a few weeks, then months, at the end when the baby is born....

When I try to think about seeing a positive from my current vantage point, it’s useless. I can’t see it, I laugh at the preposterousness of it. I’ve basically written it off for now. But the mother I will be some day can look fondly back on that moment.

3 comments:

Kischa said...

I think you'll get your BFP when you least expect it! For some of us, it just takes a little longer than others.

birdsandsquirrels said...

This is a really interesting way of thinking about it. Throughout this whole journey, I have thought a lot about how it would feel to get a positive. When I got the positive in December (before things went all to hell), it did feel all different. It was so weird. I knew to be cautious, because of the low initial beta, but that happiness I had for that brief period was lovely. I think that is one of the things that is so hurtful about getting a bfn, is knowing that the other outcome would have made you SOOOOO happy, and instead you are SOOOOO miserable and sad and disappointed. Such extremes.

The Wife said...

I find that I can't think ahead. Like if I imagine getting the BFP then it won't actually happen. So I try to think of what will happen when I get a BFN and how I'll cope. It's not that I'm pessimistic, it's just my track record. Things always seem to go well when I envision them going wrong.