Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why change this?

It was morning as usual at my house today. My husband came to kiss me before he left and I told him he had a terrible Alfalfa. I tried to smooth it down but it wouldn't stick. I told him should fix before he went to work (you should have seen it, it was comically bad).

Then we had a conversation about how the cat had driven both of us out of the bed this morning. We went into the bedroom to see her sitting on the bed, "smiling" smugly at her victory. Then I teased him about stealing the covers again last night since they were located at the foot of the bed on his side.

He fixed his hair, kissed me and headed out the door. I went back to making my breakfast. And I stopped and asked myself again, "Why can't I be happy with this?"

I have a great marriage, we love each other and are happy. We don't need more than we have right now. Things are great.

I was thinking about what 'they' always say: Having a baby doesn't fix anything, it only makes problems worse. In relation to my situation, the problem is infertility, so I don't think it could be made worse by having a baby. And I wonder if you are in a happy and good marriage, having a baby makes things better, right? Right?

I don't know, but all I can think of is a very strong feeling I had a couple of years ago when I was with my husband. I thought to myself, I love this guy so much, the only way I feel like I could love him more is if I had another one of him to love, a baby. Of course, we do grow in our love for our partners with or without a child, but I have so much more love to give, it's would be nice to have even more to love.


Celia said...

I have been wondering in a similar vein. I love Mr., I love my cats, I like my job. We could travel and get fun cars. Is that enough? Maybe.

SCS said...

I've also been wondering "Why can't I be happy with this?" I used to be very content and happy with "just" my husband and I. But I think for me at least - that was just the first part of the plan. At the time I was focused on being married, living together and enjoying each others love. But once the mutual decision was made to expand our love and have children, the plan was forever altered...hence I am no longer content with just us. The next part of our plan was a family, and for us...I don’t think things will ever be as they once were. As much as I’d like to go back some days to the way things were, the same issues would inevitably come up again. I’ve had to accept that our lives have changed and we are not the same as we once were, just as having a child will alter things again. I think it is only natural to remember the good times and want to go back…but as humans we grow and change…and with that our needs and wants change.
So I guess what I'm saying...personally...what I had before is no longer enough! If we had never come to the stage where we wanted children...maybe...but not now. Once we made the decision to have children...I entered into a position of no-return.

Michelle said...

I really wanted to comment this earlier and have been thinking to try to find the right words without it sounding bad somehow.
I used to say the exact thing. I still do at times and feel guilty that I am doing all this again and that I should just be happy.
But, for us, when we decided that this is what we want, we both are at the point we can't give up. We know what we want, and will continue till we get that somehow.
My marriage and relationship before with my husband was wonderful, and I used to worry that it would change somehow after having a child. Would we get pushed apart, lose our time, etc? Afterwards it just brought us so much closer and better.
I think that saying about making things worse is when there really is major issues and the husband and wife isn't getting along to begin with.
You know what you want, and it's not wrong to want more. I truly hope it happens for you very soon and you get to experience it all.

Hillary said...

Beautiful post! You capture the tension that I, too, feel about my marriage. I AM content. But I love how you said it, I have more love that I want to expand to children, and for DH & I to grow in our love for one another as we take on the next challenge of raising a family...

Anonymous said...

I think all infertiles ask themselves that question. I know I did. There is nothing wrong with want "it all." After four years we realized our marriage and individual happiness was more important than conceiving so we adopted. But I still wish for a pregnancy all the time.
I just found your blog . I am reaching out to my fellow bloggers to introduce my non profit, Parenthood for Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those starting families through adoption or medical intervention. Please visit our website and blog and pass the link on. Thank you for your support. I look forward to reading your blog
Erica Schlaefer

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about this recently too. I love my husband. Things are relatively good. Why can't I be happy with that?
This isn't really related to infertility, but sometimes I worry that what if after all this, we finally get a kid of our own, and it's a brat? Obviously, parenting has a lot to do with how your kid turns out, but sometimes good parents end up with rotten kids.