Thursday, April 30, 2009

Raising expectations

Acupuncturist: (sits on table and uses his best high school counselor impression) We need to talk.

Me: (rolling jeans up to knees) Oh, we do?

A: Yes, you told M. you had some bad news.

Me: (stops rolling jeans) I did? Well, yeah, I'm not pregnant. That's the bad news.

A: Ok, well, what's the timeline now?

Me: Let's see... I'm 26 and I'll be 35 in 9 years, how's that for a timeline? (finishes rolling jeans)

Did he think I would just give up after a couple of months? That is the impression I got. It's not like I really think I can keep doing this till I'm 35, but I've got a few more cycles in me at least.

He's a chiropractor and probably doesn't see too many infertility patients as committed as me. I think I surprised him today. I wonder how many people give up after a few failed clomid cycles.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

1 down, 1 to go

Back before me and my gall bladder parted ways I often used it as a cover for my RE appointments. Very convenient and I didn't have to explain myself to nosey people. The only downside is that some people must have thought that the gall bladder thing was a really serious issue since I went to the Dr. so much.

Well, now I don't have that excuse but I keep taking off work for the Drs. anyhow. Some people think I'm still having gall bladder issues or something serious.

So the problem happened because I knew that if the last cycle failed that I would have to go in for a u/s on Mon or Tues of this week, and I knew that I had a ton of crap already scheduled for Tuesday. I had to tell one of my managers that I might not be able to make our meeting cause I had to go to the Drs. again.

I got in Monday, no meeting conflicts.

But Tuesday my manager stops by my office and checks if I will be able to come to the meeting or if I have to go to the Drs. still. I say that I went yesterday. So he asks, "Did everything go ok?" I got a funny weird grin on my face cause I'm thinking that he REALLY doesn't want to know how it went. I realize that it might be time to fill him in. Especially because my old boss will be retiring at the end of June and this guy will take old boss' division manager responsibilities and another manager will be taking the old boss' office manager responsibilities. So actually I need to have a talk with the other guy too.

But it wasn't a good time to fill in my manager at that moment so I told him I'd tell him how it went later. Evil smile still on my face.

So at the end of the day, I sucked it up and went in to his office and closed the door and told him. I like this manager (most of the time) and he's a joker and quick with the comebacks so telling him was mixed with a lot of laughter which made things easier. This is the guy that just announced his wife is pregnant with #3, by the way. He admitted they'd never experienced infertility but he knew people that had and had sympathy for them. He also asked a surprising amount of questions about it all (nothing too personal) but I appreciated his interest.

I let him know that I don't treat it as a secret because that would mean that I was ashamed of it or something, but I don't tend to talk about it at work since it's not a topic that comes up ever.

I told him 1 in 6 couples experience infertility and that it's NIAW too. He didn't believe my 1 in 6 number, but I happen to know that every female in my office (all 4 of us) has personally experienced IF in one way or another. Given the number of people in my office, that's more than 1 in 6.

I'd say it went really well over all. Now I just have to do it again with the other manager. I don't like the fact that so many of the people I work with will now know about my IF, but most of them are men and most men will disavow knowledge of "female problems," so I don't think it they will be feeding the rumor mill.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Going through the motions

This is how it's going to go: clomid 100mg, days 3-7, mid cycle u/s, trigger, IUI, 2WW, BFN.

I really don't think last cycle could have gone better, so why will this cycle work when the last one didn't? Perhaps the stats just haven't been in my favor yet. Maybe they never will.

I'm not very optimistic about this cycle.

I asked my nurse if she could get me antibiotics to help with my cervical mucus. Last cycle I had antibiotics for my HSG and lo and behold I had AWESOME CM until I ran out of antibiotics several days before ovulation and it all dried up. TCOYF also recommends antibiotics for CM... it says no one knows why it works, but trust me, it does.

I know I'm getting an IUI anyway, but it would be nice if some of the sex we have is actually useful too. They haven't ever given antibiotics for that reason at my clinic, and she doesn't think that Dr. C will let me have them. I think she's right.

I was asking a bunch of questions about NEXT cycle (cause I've already written this one off)... my nurse thinks I should set up another appointment with Dr. C to ask my questions since she can't really do anything for me as far as changing my treatment. I'm ok with making an appointment towards the end of the cycle, but Dr. C talks so much I never really get my questions asked so I can imagine what that will be like. Oh well, maybe it will give me something to focus on during the 2WW.

And I think I missed a call from my clinic on the way home, but they didn't leave a message. I wonder what they wanted.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Another cycle cometh

Well, she's here. Joy.

I knew the end was near last night at the grocery store... actually before then at dinner. We went out to eat and someone was having a birthday party and they'd brought a giant chocolate chip cookie in lieu of cake. I said to my husband that I wanted a giant cookie too. Well then we went to the store and man, I REALLY WANTED A BIG OLD CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. I wanted to open a sleeve of Chips Ahoy right there and go to town on them.

When I realized my period was coming in March it was about 3pm and I was at work and I left to drive to the grocery store down the road to get a 3 Musketeers and a Take 5 cause I couldn't go on living another minute without chocolate.

Yeah, so I realized that this is the sign that AF is near and therefore I DESERVE A COOKIE, DAMMIT.

But, I'm still trying to loose weight so we opted to buy a tub of the cookie dough and went home and made four hot, moist, delicious cookies and we each ate two. There is more dough in the fridge and I would hate for it to go bad, so I think we might be having dessert again tonight.

And I paid my hospital bill for my surgery the other day. I have officially burnt up my flexible spending account. Actually I've spent about twice what I put back, I just held off submitting a bunch of claims since I knew my surgery would take me over the top without them. Oh well, at least I'm onto what I call 'golden time' with the ins now... only copays these days. Too bad they don't cover IF. I'm keeping a spreadsheet of my IF expenses. They are getting to be substantial. Whoever said clomid was cheap must have been a fertile.

And I ended up with a 15 day LP... right in between my 14 and 16. Actually, I'm pretty glad it ended when it did. I'm trying to keep the number of u/s's I get down and this way it should just be my baseline and a mid cycle on CD13. Last cycle I got my mid cycle on CD11 (since that was my HSG day too) but it was a little early and forced me to get another u/s. This time I think we should hit everything a little better.

Oh, and I started baby aspirin the other day. I talked about it with my nurse if my cycle didn't work out and she said it was fine if I wanted to. Although my lining has been thick enough, I suspect that the clomid might be affecting the quality... I'm just grasping at straws now, cause LAST CYCLE SHOULD HAVE WORKED. Oy.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Aunt Amanda

I have 3 siblings... My two brothers have given me a currently 6 year old nephew and a 6 month old nephew. My sister hasn't ever had kids and probably won't cause she's 40 (41 next month... my sister and 1 of my brothers are actually half siblings and are a lot older than me).

I really enjoy my relationship with my older nephew. I don't get to see him too often, but I love it when he screams "Aunt Amanda!" when he sees me and I love how much love that kid gives off (even though he can be a stinker these days). When he was little I got to have a lot of fun holding and loving on him. I was new to being an aunt, I'd never held a newborn before, but that didn't matter, I was fully trusted with him, and I felt blessed to get to have such a relationship. Also, infertility had not tainted me yet.

With my other brother's baby I haven't really enjoyed it as much. Not just cause I'm a bitter infertile now, but because my brother and his wife have not tried to share his life with us the way my other brother and SIL do. We live much closer to this one and have only seen him a couple of times. When I have visited it just isn't the same warm feeling I got with the other. I feel like an outsider even though I am actually closer to this brother (I grew up with this brother but I never even lived in the same house as my other brother).

I think the difference in my relationship with my nephews mostly has to do with the difference in warmth and openness of my SILs.

I'm going somewhere with this. DH's brother and his wife are having a baby soon. I was good friends with SIL until she got pregnant and weird on me, and now I don't know what to do with her. So the question I have been trying to ask myself is, "What is it that I want her to do so that I can feel good about this baby?"

I guess I need her to act more like my other SIL (the one with the 6 year old). I WANT TO BE INVOLVED, but she has never offered anything. I will fully admit to being upset/jealous/hurt by her pregnancy due to my own infertility, but I deal with those emotions and don't let them leave the house. But she never bothers to mention anything to me about her pregnancy or when she found out the sex of the baby or anything else. She has barely talked to me since she got pregnant. I have pretty well documented every interaction I've had with SIL since the announcement on here.

I thought all this weirdness was just me wearing my 'infertile goggles' but really it was her leaving me in the cold. We are friends. You call and tell your friend when you get pregnant. I didn't even get an email. That's cold. I feel like she's treating me like I'm some kind of leper and that's what has bothered me about this pregnancy from the start. I just didn't want to be left behind and I have been, in so many ways.

So basically, I want to be treated like a friend/family member and not an infertile cast away. Is that too much to ask?

I'm feeling the need to call her and repair this relationship of ours. I will do it once I work up the courage. I know that we need to get this thing fixed before the kid comes or it may never get fixed and I will miss out on some of the best years of my new nephew's life.

The End is Near?

Well, the pee sticks are still negative and the boobs don't really hurt anymore and it's 13dpo which I think means the end is near.

And, strangely, I have had uterine cramps nearly every day, most of the day, since about 8dpo. At first I thought they might be a sign of implantation, but at this point I think I am just experiencing extended stay PMS. Does anyone else get PMS cramps many days before AF shows up? They aren't very painful, just strong enough that you can't ignore them. I'm still new to this ovulation thing and not sure what's normal.

And the question is now: How long will my luteal phase be? Somewhere between 14 and 16 days... I'm kinda hoping for the 16 days so that I can prove my flax theory correct, but also I think the scheduling for next cycle will work out better if it's a little longer.

Speaking of next cycle, I have some definite thoughts about it. I don't want to go into them all now, but I would like it be my last clomid cycle. I've been lucky enough to ovulate on clomid, but I don't get pregnant. It's time for a change.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Another depressing post

I really, really hate the last week of the 2WW. Mostly because I go crazy. And because I never have any good news.

I hate writing a bunch of depressing, whiny posts in a row. There are lots of good things in my life, but during this week, all I can do is focus on the fact that I'm not pregnant.

I feel silly admitting it, but I thought it would work this time. Actually, I think it will work every time until it doesn't. There's still a chance and trust me, I cling to that chance like it's the only thing in the world that matters right now. I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall, but what else am I suppose to do?

There was a beautiful pink sunrise here this morning. All the windows were open and the pink came in through them. I didn't try to go out and take a picture... I figure I'd missed the best parts of it already anyhow cause I was in the bathroom staring at an HPT.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Yesterday was awesome

Yesterday was my office's monthly Birthday Lunch. After eating my boss asked if there were any announcements. This was weird cause he doesn't normally do this.

I was worried about what might be coming but then one guy got up and gave an announcement about a new project. Whew. I figured that was it and breathed a sigh of relief. But then my boss asked again. A bunch of guys were looking at each other. "X do you have something?"

X says, "Not yet." (I bet you're all thinking the same thing as me. What could he possibly be eluding to? Note: X has been married for approx 1.5 years, is in his mid 30's and has no children, yet.)

So now I'm fearing an announcement from him but otherwise things started to return to normal. Then all of a sudden, kinda out of nowhere, coworker Y yell's out that his wife is pregnant (with #3).

Awesome. I thought I was going to be able to escape that torture today. I guess not. And I'm still fearing what coworker X might announce as soon as the time is right.

And by the way Coworker Y, it is just so wonderful when your stay at home wife stops by with #1 and #2 and they yell and scream and run around the office and make it impossible for me to do work. That's ok, I love just seeing other people's kids that much. I simply cannot wait for #3 to join the mix.

I wait the minimal amount of time before I can get out of there gracefully. I went to the bathroom of choke down the hurt and fight back the tears.


I think, no.

I really don't think I've been seeing anything of any importance these last couple days. It's just barely there and I have to hold it at an angle and it isn't getting any darker. Seems to me like is should be getting darker if it was for real.

And today I saw it again and decided that it was time to get a second opinion from the FRER. I used my last analog FRER from February. The FRER was totally negative. The FRER get's the final word today.

Hey, but I did finally get a picture of the ghost. Here can't you see it?

No? Maybe at this angle.

Still having trouble, let's tilt it a little more.

Ok, fine, I will help you out.

For the record, an HPT should NEVER be read like this. They were never intended to be held at this angle. I think it's an evap line or just the antibody strip. I can see it straight on in the right conditions, but it's just too light to be real.

No more testing till Thursday if I can help it.

Update on my P4: 23.2. Meh. Very good for me and a single ovulation, I was hoping for something just a little higher for two follicles though.

*By the way, these pictures have NOT been enhanced at all.

Monday, April 20, 2009

More ghostly apparitions

It was there again today. Incredibly faint. I couldn't say if it was a change from yesterday or not.

I was able to show DH my test from yesterday and after a long inspection he was able to see the line too. At least I know it's not in my head.

Oh, and the New Choice test sensitivity is 25mIU/mL.

If the nice nurse calls me today for my P4 results I might say something to her about it (if the not so nice nurse calls, I'm keeping mum since I know it won't get me anywhere).

All this is doing is reminding me that pee sticks are evil. Tomorrow will be 10dpiui and I shall test again cause the evil pee sticks have caught me again.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I just have to prove I'm right

I stopped at the Dollar Tree the other day and stocked up.

Um, yeah, cause that's how I roll.

The guy at the check out register had a nice laugh. Actually, it's not that funny, jerk.

Today is 8dpiui and approx 10dptrigger, so I must POAS to prove that the Trigger has left my body. My RE said it can take 14 days which would be about 12dpo which still does not explain their No Beta until 17dpo rule. So I must satisfy Ms. GottaBeRightAllTheTime in me.

The results this morning... it might just be my imagination, but it appears that their actually was a ghostly light line there. I had to turn on all of the lights in the bathroom and pop off the top, but maybe it really was there. It was too light to get a picture of and when I came back an hour later it had disappeared.

So, it could be that their is a smidgen of trigger HCG left in me (which would make my RE right, dammit). Or that my test was quirky. Or I've gone off the deep end and am imagining double lines. (FYI, those are the only acceptable theories at this time, so please do not suggest anything else.)

I think I will have to test again tomorrow (just to prove I'm right, of course).

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Progesterone: I haz it

We don't know what my actual progesterone level is cause I'm over the reference range! The reference range they ran it at maxes out at 20, so I'm greater than 20. I have to wait for them to rerun it in a higher range to find out the true reading. I won't get the actual results until Monday.

Considering I had a 17.6 my last ovulatory clomid cycle, I feel a little psyched that I passed up that number... maybe both of my follicles did ovulate :)


Friday, April 17, 2009

At least it's Friday

I don't have much to say today. I didn't temp last night so I don't know and don't care what my BBT was. It's a liberating and uneasy feeling.

I had a dream... or at least I think it was a dream. I dreamt I could feel an embryo implanting in my uterus and little uterine cramps along with it. Yes, I'm sure it was a dream... or gas.

I'm in the 'Losing the IF Weight' group in the Ballroom. I didn't actually put on my weight from treatments, but I blame insulin resistance (and pizza) for most of my blubber so that counts in my mind. We weigh in on Fridays. I am down another 2.6lbs from last week. And last week I was down 1.8lbs. I haven't really been doing much, just walking and watching what I eat. And although I haven't had any 'digestive problems' in weeks, I still think my GB removal may be helping me. Well, I'll take what I can get.

I am scheduled to get my progesterone drawn on Saturday at my clinic. The receptionist apologized that I would have to be there at 8am to do it (I'm guessing so that it can be processed before they leave). I told her at this point I was pretty used to giving my Sat. morning to come into the clinic. Then I joked that at least I didn't have to shave my legs. She laughed.

But for real, I don't like to shave and my husband doesn't seem to care (or at least keeps it to himself if he does). I do like having freshly shaven legs, but I don't like putting forward the effort. Not only do I shave for all my 'bottoms off' appointments, but I also shave for my acupuncturist since I have to roll up my pants for him. I know, a small price to pay, but annoying. I can't wait to have a giant pregnant belly and use it as an excuse to go furry.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The sun shines again

I made it back to 98.1 this morning!

I went to bed praying for 97.9 and I am of course more than happy with what I got. Plus, it's the same temp I got at 2dpiui and it makes that temp look better (I knew it wasn't a fluke, although I still don't understand fall backs).

Now the question becomes whether to do another temp again tomorrow morning just to confirm things again. Well, that's what got me into this trouble in the first place and I'm at a point in my cycle where I could get another dip 'just cause' and I don't want to have to deal with this crap again. So, if I can help myself, that was the last temp I will take this cycle.

I wanted to see how this BBT thing played out before calling my clinic to setup my progesterone draw. So I will call today. I don't know if I will do it Friday (6dpiui) or Sat (7dpiui). I think if I can I will opt for Sat and just go up to my clinic to let them draw it (I think they do that on weekends). Maybe DH will go with me and we can go have a nice big breakfast and shop afterwards.

Thanks for your support during my freak out. Hopefully everything went text book and my BBT was just screwing with my head. And hopefully I get a nice P4 in a couple days.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I am pathetic

I'm hiding in my office while all of my coworkers laugh and coo at my one of my other coworker's new baby.

He was born on Saturday.

I can't do it. I can't put on a happy face and go up there, not today. I'm sure my absence will be noted, this office isn't that big.

Why the hell do all fertile people think everyone wants to see their kids?

Still in a dark place

This morning: 97.7

97.7 Has been the cover line on pretty much every chart I have done since I started charting. So, yes, technically, my BBT is still elevated, but barely. Not very reassuring at this point.

The only times I have hit 97.7 on an ovulatory cycle (after 3dpo) was either during an 'estrogen surge' at 10dpo or at the very end of the LP right before my period. Not reassuring at all. Even on prometrium induced flows, my temps exceed 97.7.

Obviously, the thermometer will be staying out a few more days.

I searched and searched fall back temp charts the other day and I don't think I found a single one that had a fall back of the same magnitude that mine was. It wasn't like a little 0.2 dip, no, it was 0.6 plummet. If it was the stock market, people would have been jumping off tall buildings.

Let me further explain why this freaks me out so. Yesterday, my chart was virtually IDENTICAL to my December Chart in which I had a giant, f-----g cyst. And today's temp doesn't really improve the situation any. I reread this post and I could have written that exact same post yesterday (the temp is even the same). I can and will hope all day long that this works out, but it's too damn close to what happened in December for me to have one ounce of comfort at this point.

Did you blog during a particularly difficult time in your journey and that time was so painful and difficult that you just about can't bear to go back and read those posts? December was that time for me. December is my low point in my journey so far. Thinking about that month is extremely difficult for me and I have a lot of emotions wrapped up in it. Please understand that and please don't dismiss my fear right now or rationalize my chart for me. I just can't handle that right now.

Hopefully I will get a better temp tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Panic, despair

Now I really don't think I ovulated at all.

I do BBT for 1 reason these days: To confirm Ovulation.

Yesterday I got a temp that looked great. I decided to temp one more time as final confirmation, and I got a temp that told the opposite.

Let's review the last couple days:

CD 14 97.4 (Trigger that night)
CD 15 96.9
CD 16 97.2 (IUI day, theoretical O day)
1dpiui 97.4 (Slow rise again?)
2dpiui 98.1 (Awesome LP temp)
3dpiui 97.4 (Oh no, why? Devastation)

Is it possible to explain that away as a dip at 3dpo? I've have never heard of that. And I'm really a very consistent temper. I don't just get jumps or dips out of nowhere, and certainly not of that magnitude. That 98.1 should be a good temp. I even checked my thermometer to make sure it was working.

If it was a dip then their should probably be some CM showing up today to back it up and I will be on the look out.

I should also note that my boobs slightly hurt on Sunday and part of Monday but quit. I told my husband right before we went to sleep last night that my boobs didn't hurt at all. Maybe I know why now.

Also, my ovaries feel like they have GFCs on them and not corpus luteums. GFCs would explain all the weird feeling I've been getting from do there. They could still be CL's, but I'm growing more doubtful.

When I saw that temp I just wanted to cry. I took me right back to December. From the highest high, to the lowest low.

I will be temping again tonight. I pray that today was just a dip.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Doubts: I haz them

This cycle has been interesting. I stressed and freaked out that I wouldn't produce anything and I had 2 follicles on my first mid cycle u/s. So then I still stressed that they would stop growing. The second u/s showed that things were still growing, but then I stressed that we would time the trigger and IUI wrong and I would ovulate early. I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate early. Now I'm stressed that I didn't ovulate at all, let alone 2 good follicles.

I guess my point is that I've gotten pretty concerned with some of the details of this cycle and they have turned out just fine so far. Therefore, I should probably just chill and stop my doubting. It's a good plan, but easier said than done.

I'm not saying that I don't think I ovulated at all. I'm pretty sure I got at least one of those suckers. I'm going to guess the Right one. I don't normally feel anything over there and it's been more sore since yesterday which I will take to be a good sign. The Left one, I'm not so sure. I felt the twinges that I associate with follicle growth as late a Sunday evening over there. The left follicle was smaller, so maybe it took longer (if it went at all). I think that's pushing the limits of how ovulation works, but that's what I felt. If Lefty did go, I have been able to feel my previous CL over there and maybe I will again in the next day or so.

I try to remember that I didn't feel any O pains in my Feb cycle and didn't think I O'd then either and the u/s showed a nice CL the next morning, so it worked that time and it probably did this time too. Probably for both of the follicles. Probably.

And my clinic doesn't care if I get P4's anymore since we've established that I have pretty good progesterone levels so they didn't really want me to get one. However, the researcher in me wants to know since I should have had 2 follicles and I want to know if that makes a difference in my levels. Plus, I'm way too wound up to skip a quick blood draw when insurance is covering it. I know if I don't get one and the cycle fails I am really going to be wondering what that number was. So I will be getting one again this cycle.

I'm really glad I have some previous experience in how my body operates to provide some reassurance. Every time my heart starts to race I just say to myself "I've ovulated before, there is no reason to think I didn't ovulate this cycle." I'm not all gloom and doom yet, but I have to scale back the hope a bit for now.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

IUI #1

Well, now I know what an IUI is like. It's pretty much what I thought.

DH did his thing. We went to a new store and browsed around for awhile. The clinic called me when we were headed back up on the elevator and said they were ready for me. Thirty seconds later we were inside the clinic where we waited for about 20 minutes for some reason. Ready for me? I think not.

Finally, it was business time. DH really did do his job, 121 million post wash. My vagina didn't want to do it's job. My cervix kept being difficult. I know I made a few grimaces as things got more uncomfortable. Dr. C kinda apologized. I said that if I couldn't handle this then I probably didn't have any business being pregnant. Dr. C said they don't usually say that to patients, but, yeah, if you can't handle an IUI you're in the wrong place.

I got a chance to have a nice little conversation with Dr. C as he was battling my vaginal walls. He's been an RE for 22 years so maybe he does know what he's doing. He also went to Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm to do general surgery and gynecology. Not bad conversation to have with a guy 6 inches from your crotch.

I was reminded that my clinic apparently refuses to do betas till 17 dpo. That seems excessive to me and maybe even a little cruel. Dr. C said that you can still have the trigger showing up to 14 days later. I'm not buying that for a second... maybe some special person has that problem, but not I... I've checked.

Here's hoping for an Easter miracle (or two)!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Counting down

First thing I need to do is give props to DH. He unloaded the dishwasher, fed the cat, shot me in the ass, and is changing a wheel baring on my car. I feel like a big slacker comparatively and I really appreciate all the help he's given me lately.

Speaking of that shot. It didn't go exactly as I had planned. I meant to have the clinic draw a mark on me where to give the shot on Wednesday and completely forgot about all of that. So we're in the kitchen debating about where to give it. It always seems like it's given much higher up than I expect it.

I'd never mixed or practiced with the needles either and the nurse had given me some needles I'd never seen before... the kind that have a piece that slides over the tip at the end to protect you after the needle is used. So first I'm worried the needle isn't screwed on to the syringe properly. Then I can't get the cap off (in my defense these were some kind of tricky safety caps, not the kind you see people in the movies bite with their teeth to pull off). Finally, with enough force and finesse I managed that small miracle. Then I wasn't expecting the needle cover thing on it and I'm trying to figure out what it is and accidentally covered the needles and then had to figure out how to get it back off the tip.

Needle drama over with, I handed the filled syringe over to DH and then had a tiny freak out. He's given lots of shots to livestock before, but if he ever compares me to a cow, I will kill him. We briefly went over the procedure again and he did a great job. I hope we never have to do that again, but at least we know we can now.

Oh, and I was kinda excited to be getting HCG at night, right before bed cause it always makes me feel kinda dizzy and icky and I thought I would just be able to sleep through the side effects. NO. I kept waking up throughout the night dizzy and nauseous. Awesome.

T minus 24 hours to the IUI.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I'm a little slow

I have been kinda hung up on the fact that my Feb cycle I had a 16 day LP and my March was only 14 days. I have thought about this off and on for two weeks now. Why 2 days different... and I know with VERY good certainty when ovulation occurred for each cycle within a couple of hours so that does not account for the difference.

Well, the duh moment just happened. Flaxseed.

I eat 2 tablespoons of whole ground flaxseed nearly every morning mixed in with my oatmeal. I'm somewhat obsessed with this. However, I had to quit it in March starting on about CD 6 and didn't get to resume it till about CD 27 (11 DPO). I had to stop it for the surgery (since it's an anti inflammatory) and wasn't able to resume till the digestive issues cleared up. Whoomp! There it is. Shock-a-locka.

I previously wrote this post and linked to this paper in it. It's pretty clear, Flax Lengthens the Luteal Phase. If I don't get pregnant this cycle I truly expect that I will be on par with another 16 day LP again.

I should note one difference this month: I'm using golden flax and I usually use red/brown. I don't think that will make a difference, but I use this blog for my personal records and I think it needs to be noted for that reason.

Well, I have to go return my degrees to my university now. It is shameful it took me that long to come up with this.


We're doing an IUI this month. Why? Cause DH's morphology is a tad low... cause I'm sick of 'trying' to get pregnant and if this will help me 'be' pregnant any sooner it will be worth it... but mostly because I'm sick and tired of stressing about my cervical mucus.

Every stupid clomid cycle I have chugged green tea and swallowed mucinex in hopes that I would find a messy surprise in my underwear and, well, it hasn't happened. I got some somewhat decent stuff last month w/o medication... but it preceded ovulation by several days which was worrisome to me. And I'm not buying any of that 'preseed' junk/snake oil... nor am I so desperate as to put actual egg white down there (gross!). No, instead I sit around and worry that my CM is the missing piece of the puzzle and I'm doomed without it.

But no worries this cycle, cut to IUI.

So of course, fertile CM started showing up yesterday. It's still a little watery, but I think the EWCM is on the way. It freaks me out a little since the IUI isn't till Saturday and that feels really far away right now. I hope it means that things are going right this cycle (and maybe they weren't before) or maybe it's cause I needed 2 follicles to get enough hormones circulating to make it happen. I don't know, but it doesn't really matter cause I'm still doing the IUI.

Did you notice that sometimes it's called inter uterine insemination and sometimes it's called artificial insemination? Um, AI sounds weird to me... that's what they do to livestock, I much prefer IUI.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Shooting for the moon

It's a close one... The Right follicle is at 18mm and the Left one is at 17mm. It's a virtual tie and my nurse expects that both of those will ovulate!!!

Over time I have learned that my ovaries have different personalities. Lefty is the Drama Queen. She makes a fuss no matter what and should be ignored 90% of the time. Righty is the serious one and should be paid attention to if she indicates something is going on.

Trigger tomorrow (Thursday) night and IUI scheduled for Saturday morning. My lining was at 8mm today... the HSG was good... 2 follicles... I feel like I am so well positioned to succeed this cycle it will really be hard if I don't and the questions will really start to creep into my head.

I cried a little on the way back from the appointment. I feel like I'm at the edge. There is nothing left in me but desire to see this succeed. If I have to carry twins to make it happen, I will do that. If I have to endure bed rest, If I have to have a C-section, whatever, I will do that. If I have to start all over again next month I will. I'm a stronger person today than I was 6 months ago and I know how badly I want this and will not turn away from the difficult path.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

IVP to the Rescue

Birds mentioned them her comment and so did my nurse when she called me back yesterday afternoon. My trigger should be arriving at my clinic today and I can grab it at my Wednesday morning appt.

I have this scary fantasy that they give my trigger to someone else in a mixup and I get screwed. Not likely, but I'm well versed in Murphy's law.

Since my follicles are still competing for dominance, I've been trying to guess which one will win. Yesterday my money was on Lefty, but today Righty is putting up a fight. Who will win? Will they tie? Oh, the suspense is killing me.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Not that bad

Today was actually pretty good.

First, at my mid-cycle u/s it was kinda torturous because apparently the reg u/s tech quit and they had someone from the maternal/fetal medicine department and she wouldn't tell me anything or show me anything. But when the nurse came in, it turned out to all be good. I have a follicle measuring 14mm on EACH of my ovaries. I may have to eat my words from my earlier post. No idea what my pains from Saturday were due to. I need to go back Wednesday to get another scan.

Then it was off to get the HSG done. I took 4 Advil and 2 Vico.din and was feeling pretty great ahead of time. In fact, Dr. C joked with the radiologist that I probably felt better than anyone else in the room. I just smiled and nodded, cause I'm sure that was true. I will say there were some uncomfortable and still even painful parts, but it was not as bad as I anticipated it to be. Plus, it was really quick so I wasn't in discomfort for long. Tubes appear good and no surprises. (Well, I actually was surprised that they wouldn't allow DH in the room during the test, but he got to come in after to see the results.)

I also got a couple of minutes to talk with Dr. C about my mid cycle results. At this point he said it could end up either way and I could have 1 or 2 follicles at trigger, but he thinks I'm in a pretty good position right now. (Of course, I'm secretly hoping for two!)

I stopped by the pharmacy on my way out to get them to prepare my HCG trigger refill so I could pick it up on Wednesday. Turns out there is a shortage of HCG right now and they WILL NOT have any in by then. Eek! I immediately called and left a message at my clinic. I'm sure we'll get some from somewhere (there are no other pharmacies in the area that carry that either), but at least I found out today and not Wednesday.

And big bonus today. I finally remembered to ask how much an IUI costs at my clinic. My jaw about dropped: $145! I seriously thought it would be way more than that. No complaints here.

I'm at work and still a little high (DH drove me in) and hopefully things will continue to progress nicely. I feel like I can finally chill out and relax a little now.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

What was that?

I had a completely different post planned for today. I was planning about talking about my wonderful acupuncture experience on Friday and espousing my love for needles in my back... but then something happened yesterday that shook me up.

So, my midcycle u/s and HSG are planned for Monday. I decided not to do OPKs this month because #1 I can't seem to be able to read the damn things and #2 I'm getting my mid cycle before the HSG and we should be able to tell if by chance I ovulated early from that. I also have decided the only purpose to BBT is to confirm ovulation and therefore it is only necessary to do it a couple day prior to and following ovulation.

In light of the HSG, I decided to start my BBT Saturday morning. I temped on target. I'd been having some pains/twinges mostly on my left ovary so I was hoping that meant that something was growing down there. Everything is going fine until the early afternoon on Saturday. (cue dramatic music)

Big pains and lots of tenderness on my left ovary! What the hell? Freakin' mittelschmerz on CD9? Oh, come on! No one ovulates on CD 9. If someone tells me that they ovulated on CD 9 I would think they didn't know what they were talking about. But this is undeniably similar to ovulation pain and exactly what it felt like last month. So what just happened?

I wanted to wait and see what my BBT did this morning and it did NOT go up, so I probably did NOT ovulate. However, I am apparently a slow riser, so I'm not 100% sure yet.

Basically at this point I think I might have blown a cyst yesterday. I'm pretty worried that means that I won't have any good development on my mid cycle (I'm still holding out for the right ovary since I did feel a little something over there the other day). This is all very frustrating. Why do my ovaries have to be such drama queens?

Blessing of the Hands

I wanted to share this with you all. This is a reading we did at our wedding. There are several versions of this on the internets, but I like this one because I knew we might never have children. It was our 'nod' at the situation that we knew we would have to face together in marriage.

Blessing of the Hands
Courtesy of Engaged Encounter of Rochester, NY

Bride, please turn and face Groom, and hold his hands palms up, where you can see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands, young and strong and vibrant with love, that hold yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within your womb.

These are the hands that look so large and clumsy, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will work long hours to earn money for you and your family.

These are the hands that will be nicked and bruised from fixing things around the house to make you more comfortable.

These are the hands that will caress your body through the years, to make the passion of love come alive in you.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief rack your mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your check as they raise your face to look into his eyes; eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Groom, please face Bride, hold her palms up, so you may see the gift they are to you.

These are the hands hold yours on your wedding day as she gives you her pledge to love you, and accepts your ring.

These are the hands that are smooth and young and carefree now, but will be lined and rougher, working to make you comfortable.

These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness, disciplining them when naughty, and wringing themselves in worry when trouble comes.

These are the hands that will hold your face and wipe tears from your eyes’ in wonder and awe that you would cry for her.

These are the hands that will hold you in joy, excitement and hope each time she tells you that you are to have another child; that together you have created a new life.

Perhaps these are the hands that will comfort you when you are told you cannot have a child, and will convince you that together you will create a new life in other ways.

These are the hands that through the years will caress your body in the passion of love, to enhance your intimacy.

These are the hands that will enter the Sacrament of Matrimony. These four hands will be your armor and shield against the evils and temptations of the world.

These are the hands that will reach out, first to each other, then united, will spread your love and your sacrament to all they touch.

These are the hands that will ease your parents’ loneliness as you leave the nest, will first teach your own children the marvels of married life, and will be a sign to friends and strangers alike as to just how wonderful married life can be.

Through these four hands, God will renew His Church. These hands are the hope of a troubled humanity. These are the hands that will change the world.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Blow it up someone elses...

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with their RE?

I really do like the guy. The treatments he gives me let me hope. I feel like he's thinking about me and customizing my treatment, even though it's just clomid (at least I don't feel like he's just mindlessly prescribing it). He makes me feel like I'm making progress. His bedside manner is good. He takes time with me when he doesn't have to and I appreciate all that. On the spectrum of RE's, he's got a good spot on the upper end.

But sometimes he says something to me that makes me think he is lying. I want to call him out on it, but I know if I weren't such a pessimistic infertile I wouldn't think twice about his words and would accept them happily.

Back in December, he did my u/s where we discovered the cyst... well we didn't know it was a cyst at that time, there was still hope that it was a real, viable follicle. On my way out he says to me, "That might make a nice Christmas present."

Why did he have to say that? I knew deep down inside of me that a 29mm follicle on CD10 isn't a good thing. I'm sure he did too, but there he is, telling me a miracle might happen when he knows from his better judgment it won't. I cannot tell you how many times I thought of those words as I cried and cried at the failure of that cycle.

Last cycle he did almost the same thing. He gives some off the cuff remark of hope after seeing that spot on my ovary during surgery, and he knows better. I like to pretend that cycle had a chance, but I don't really think it did due to the timing of everything, but because he said that I smiled happily all the way to the bitter BFN.

So of course, he did it again this cycle! During my baseline we discussed my clomid options since "I ovulate on my own" (yeah right, I'm a regular Fertile Myrtle). He says that hopefully the clomid will make me grow an *extra* follicle. Now, I'm fantasizing about twins! It's not fair to me for him to say something like that.... I want believe him when he says that stuff because I need to believe that it will happen.

Did Fertility and Sterility have an article about how blowing sunshine up your patients' asses will somehow increase pregnancy rates?

I'm sure he thinks he's doing me a favor when he nonchalantly implies I'm just a couple of weeks from a positive beta, but I don't think he knows how much more it hurts when the cycle fails because he infused that hope in me to begin with. He doesn't know how much I respect him and cling to his words. Don't say something like that unless you really, REALLY mean it. You're a medical professional, so let's keep it professional. I have a blog for when I want to hear rainbows and puppies.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Post Op

Today was my post op appointment for my gall bladder surgery. What a waste of time. It was a 90sec. appt where she asked me if I was doing ok and then poked my wounds and I didn't squirm so everything must be fine.

She said made a few quick comments about my pelvic examination and remarked how it was good that I got my gallbladder out so I could continue TTC and I responded with some kind of sarcastic remark (why do I keep doing that? I'm on clomid, I can't be held responsible for bitchy remarks or eye rolling) and then she said it: "You just need to relax".

Good Lord. Why is it every time that I walk in that office that someone tells me that I need to relax?! I was kinda shocked that she had just said that to me and I just starred at her for a sec and then said, "Oh, I do." Oh do I wish I'd been snappier with my reply.

She was done and one her way out (Wham, bam, thank you m'am... surgeons are so predictable) but I remember to complain about my lack of pain medicine despite repeated complaints that my back hurt after surgery. I think she was pretty pissed to hear I hadn't been given anything and she said there were orders to give me pills or a morphine drip on my chart so I shouldn't have gone without. She said that she would check with my nurse. I figure it won't really matter, but at least I got that relayed to her. I also have a satisfaction survey to fill out from the hospital and I intend to do gleefully sooner or later.

It's CD 7, last clomid pills tonight. I've been so stressed that I'm worried I've doomed it this cycle, but I always think that and get really stressed early in the cycle and I've been surprised before so hopefully I will be again.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy Birthday Muffy!

Alright, so I don't know EXACTLY when she was born... but I know she was a little over 8 weeks old in early June when we got her, so I call it in early April.

Anyhow, she's a whopping 19! Poor old baby.

She sleeps almost all day anymore. She has lost all interest in grooming. She drools out of the right side of her mouth. And she smells. Stinky cat here. I have to wipe her face everyday with a warm wash cloth, which she hates, but she smells so if we don't.

I think Muffy has probably saved my life. I was a really depressed teenager. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to end it. But I always had my kitty to love me and that's what kept me going a lot of those years.

I really don't know what I'll do when we lose Muffy. My hope is that before we say goodbye to her, we say hello to a baby and every month that goes by makes me think I'm just that much farther from having both of my babies.

I took some pics of Muffy last night on my lap. They are pretty terrible, I am the world's worst cat photographer, and my cat moves constantly. Not even highspeed is fast enough for that cat.

Can you see the wrinkles around her eyes? Cats get wrinkles just like humans.

Emily's kitty Alice is celebrating her birthday today too!