Friday, April 24, 2009

Aunt Amanda

I have 3 siblings... My two brothers have given me a currently 6 year old nephew and a 6 month old nephew. My sister hasn't ever had kids and probably won't cause she's 40 (41 next month... my sister and 1 of my brothers are actually half siblings and are a lot older than me).

I really enjoy my relationship with my older nephew. I don't get to see him too often, but I love it when he screams "Aunt Amanda!" when he sees me and I love how much love that kid gives off (even though he can be a stinker these days). When he was little I got to have a lot of fun holding and loving on him. I was new to being an aunt, I'd never held a newborn before, but that didn't matter, I was fully trusted with him, and I felt blessed to get to have such a relationship. Also, infertility had not tainted me yet.

With my other brother's baby I haven't really enjoyed it as much. Not just cause I'm a bitter infertile now, but because my brother and his wife have not tried to share his life with us the way my other brother and SIL do. We live much closer to this one and have only seen him a couple of times. When I have visited it just isn't the same warm feeling I got with the other. I feel like an outsider even though I am actually closer to this brother (I grew up with this brother but I never even lived in the same house as my other brother).

I think the difference in my relationship with my nephews mostly has to do with the difference in warmth and openness of my SILs.

I'm going somewhere with this. DH's brother and his wife are having a baby soon. I was good friends with SIL until she got pregnant and weird on me, and now I don't know what to do with her. So the question I have been trying to ask myself is, "What is it that I want her to do so that I can feel good about this baby?"

I guess I need her to act more like my other SIL (the one with the 6 year old). I WANT TO BE INVOLVED, but she has never offered anything. I will fully admit to being upset/jealous/hurt by her pregnancy due to my own infertility, but I deal with those emotions and don't let them leave the house. But she never bothers to mention anything to me about her pregnancy or when she found out the sex of the baby or anything else. She has barely talked to me since she got pregnant. I have pretty well documented every interaction I've had with SIL since the announcement on here.

I thought all this weirdness was just me wearing my 'infertile goggles' but really it was her leaving me in the cold. We are friends. You call and tell your friend when you get pregnant. I didn't even get an email. That's cold. I feel like she's treating me like I'm some kind of leper and that's what has bothered me about this pregnancy from the start. I just didn't want to be left behind and I have been, in so many ways.

So basically, I want to be treated like a friend/family member and not an infertile cast away. Is that too much to ask?

I'm feeling the need to call her and repair this relationship of ours. I will do it once I work up the courage. I know that we need to get this thing fixed before the kid comes or it may never get fixed and I will miss out on some of the best years of my new nephew's life.

7 comments:

Hillary said...

Does she know about your IF? Even if you don't wear your emotions on your sleeve around her (is that the expression), she might be unsure how to talk about her pregnancy around you, you know? It is such a tricky balance and she might err of the side of NOT talking about it to be "safe," but I can totally understand how that would be hurtful too. GL figuring out how to address it with her. If she is a friend and you want to be part of this new baby's life, it does sound worth it. I'm sure you're an awesome aunt! :)

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Amanda said...

Oh, she totally knows about my IF, and I know that's why she's being so weird. Just cause I'm infertile I shouldn't be excluded.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm sorry that she's gotten so weird about things. It really sucks to have a friendship change like that. I hope that you are able to talk with her and move forward so you can be involved in the baby's life. She probably just doesn't know how to include you without hurting you.

Celia said...

That's a shame. My SIL is really open with my about her kids and would actually love it if we visited more.

I know you have posted about her before. It's a shame.

Celia said...

I left you a present on my blog. Take a look a bit down on the right hand side.

Michelle said...

I get the same treatment here too. My so called best friend kept both her pregnancy's from me till she was 9-10 weeks along and couldn't hide it. This time she told my husband to tell me because she was "scared to bring it up". That's the one I blogged about last week...
I think it would be worth trying to mend the friendship so you can be involved. If you were close before I'd say something. I've been told by my husband that several people we have been close with or family are semi scared to talk about babies around me because they know the issues and don't want to trigger crazy hormones or something...
Either way, good luck!

Jill said...

I think you need to be honest with her. She probably feels like talking about it with you would be rubbing salt into the wound. My cousin did that with me. I had to sit down with her and tell her that I really was happy for her and wanted to be involved with her pregnancy. I could see the relief wash over her, and she was so happy that she could share her joy. I bet if you tell her that it's OK to talk about it, she will. You have to tell her, though.