Sunday, May 31, 2009

Shock

Yeah, well, this has all been a bit of a shock lately. It's not like we weren't planning it, but when it actually happened it felt like a mistake. Like an Oops.

I really, really thought I'd never get pregnant. I've been preparing myself for that likelihood to protect myself from the disappointment for many, many years. I feel like this wasn't suppose to happen. It was TOO easy. It was clomid for crying out loud. Who knew clomid actually works?

And there is all this stuff I'm a little freaked out about now that I always put off thinking about cause I never thought I really would have to... or at least not for a long time. I don't know squat about babies. I've barely ever held a baby and I've never really even changed a diaper. We while were shopping for SIL the other day I realized I don't even know what type of car seat you're suppose to use. And how do you fold a prefold to fit a newborn?

A coworker mentioned cord blood banking the other day. I don't know what I think about that and if I think it's worth doing. And private vs. public school, and what type of day care, and all sorts stuff I've said I'll worry about when it happens. Not that it's happened yet, but it's looking more eminent.

And birth plans? Do I give a frick? I will do whatever it takes just to get a live baby out of this.

I've spent so much time learning about infertility and never really bothered to learn about pregnancy or babies or whatever.

And I'm pretty freaked that something will go wrong too. Miscarriage. Incompetent cervix. Eclampsia. Placental problems. Still birth. SIDS. Everything you can imagine.

I'm afraid of all of these things, but I can't let these fears ruin my pregnancy for me, but they lurk out there.

It just doesn't feel real yet. I'm afraid it won't be.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Beta #2

It very, very nearly doubled: 1118 (586x2=1172)

This apparently is just fine. My nurse said they wanted to see at least a 60% rise and I well exceeded that. Plus, I'm starting from up a little higher and I know beta rises slow down as they get higher. Bottom line: So far, so good.

And my progesterone... it has crept up to 17.4

Still slightly low. I haven't had any bleeding or problems and my RE is still not concerned with this number, but I still had the option to do supplements. I have decided to err on the side or safety and start prometrium. I love/hate prometrium.

I requested a 3rd beta and progesterone for Monday. Third beta cause I just really want one and the extra progesterone to make sure that the supplements are doing their job. More data makes me happy.

And a quick question for anyone that might have an answer... I've been getting loose stools/diarrhea a lot for the last couple days. I think it's related to hormones, but haven't really heard of this before. I think maybe scents are setting it off too, but just not sure. Can anyone tell me if this is normal or if I should be concerned?

Ok, so something happened a while back which seems to have proven relevant. On the morning of 5dpo (still technically 4dpo) I saw a single brown blood spot in the smack dab middle of my underwear. I discussed this w/ Dr. C at my appt and we both kinda wrote it off (although I NEVER spot). This is also why I tried to pin him down on what the earliest an embryo can implant is. So if my 16dppo beta of 586 seems high, it's probably cause that was implantation spotting (or rather 'spot' in my case) and it was very early.

And today we had to go shopping for SIL's baby shower. Knowing I have a doubling-ish beta made it a little more bearable, but I still found it completely disgusting. I don't care for showers in the first place, I think registering for extremely expensive items is very rude and I about got nauseous reading all the stupid shower cards. Where was the one that says: "I hope you know how lucky you are, you judgmental ass."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Finally

Apparently the hold up was that nobody ran my progesterone all day and the nurse was waiting to see it before calling to give me both at once.

Once she realized that it wasn't run she went ahead and called me:

586

I am pleased with the number. (16dpo fyi)

And my progesterone just came in.

16.1

I am not so pleased with this number. I was given the option of supplements right now or wait and redraw it on Saturday. I'm opting for the wait and redraw and if it doesn't go up I probably will do it then.

I've read a little about supplements. I don't think they are extremely helpful for the majority of patients but I know for those that experience RPL they can make a big difference. And my clinic said they were not extremely worried by that number, but would prefer to see it in the 20's. My basic line of thinking is that I'm doing fine so far, and I don't want to have shove up things my hoo-ha for the next 9 weeks or something unless I really need too.

Hopefully another 2 days won't matter... I hope I don't regret my decision. Now I'm totally freaking that I've screwed up. Anyone with similar levels out there that can tell me it will be ok?

Oh, and the phones are acting weird lately apparently.

All circuits are busy

Hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm not sure you all are aware of this, but I don't have a lot of patience.

I was told my blood work would be done in a couple of hours and they would call me. I got it drawn at 8:30. No one has called.

Finally at my limit I called in about 3:30. One ring and then a recording that says "All circuits are busy." Their phones are down! I checked using a land line too to make sure it wasn't just my cell. I've called about a dozen times over the last hour and keep getting the same thing. I called the hospital and had them transfer me and got it again. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Now, I'm getting really riled up. I happen to have one of my nurses personal cell phone numbers. I am soooo tempted to call it. That would be abusing it, so I won't but, boy, I am tired of waiting. (I think I have my RE's cell number too, he called me one time and was cutting out really bad so I saved the number assuming it was a cell just.in.case.)

Pardon me while I attempt to keep my head from exploding.

Bittersweet

You all know I have my theories. Like my flaxseed theory. With red flax I had a 16 day LP (and I had a u/s to prove ovulation so I know for sure that's right) and without flax I had a 14 day LP (and I had surgery and blood work to support me then too). So last month I ate golden flax and ended up with a 15 day LP. So my theory was that maybe red flax is better than golden and when I hadn't had my period yesterday I just thought I was proving my theory. Cause I knew AF was coming. Totally felt her bearing down. I was walking around with a pad on.

Nevermind.


A great sadness and a great joy at the same time. I have often thought to myself this cycle that if it worked, that somehow, in a way, this embryo will have felt and known how much I loved Muffy.

I'm still very worried of course, my boobs have almost quit hurting and I wasn't expecting that. I will go in for a beta this morning and update later.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Yesterday

The worst part about losing someone you love is forgetting. You never forget how much you loved them, but you forget the details about them. I hate that eventually I will forget the shiny-silkiness of her fur and it's feel against my skin, the way her whiskers tickle when she sniffed me, the black patch of fur on her head, her little toes, how she liked to be petted, the delightful little noise she would make cause she was happy to see you, the way she was my cuddle bug. So many things I will miss.

Right now I need to remember yesterday.

We didn't know how close we were to the end on Saturday. But she had pretty much completely quit eating and drinking. She was kept looking at me as if to say, "Mommy, I'm hungry," and I would put out food, so much food everything I could think of, but nothing worked. We could barely force feed her a few milliliters of (kitty-safe) gravy without causing her great distress. We had planned on another week, but we knew she wouldn't make it. The vet's office was closed on Monday, so we planned for Tuesday.

Tuesday started early. Muffy woke me at 2:30am. I think she was hungry. I got up and opened a can of salmon and drained off the juice to see if she would have any. It didn't work. We went back to bed. Muffy had been too restless to sleep with us lately, but she did again one last time. She cuddle in the nook of my arm one last time, just for a moment. I'm so grateful for that moment.

We got back up again around 5am. I tried some more food with no luck. So I grabbed the oral syringe and forced some water down her. I knew she wouldn't need much to make it through the end, but she needed something and I had to do what I could.

I got up again around 6am. Muffy really wanted to go outside first thing. I had to take a shower first and I decided to eat breakfast too, because I wasn't sure if I would get to later. I ate my oatmeal with Muffy outside on the deck. Muffy got the bright idea to try to walk on the other side of the deck rail (where their is only about an 1" of deck edge). When I saw her going through the slats of the railing, I screamed, "Muffy, NO!" I grabbed her by the hips and pulled her back. She'd almost fallen off the deck. She's never, ever tried anything like that before. Her judgment had clearly failed her.

We went back in the house. I finished my breakfast and we went outside. We spent all morning outside. We visited the mud puddle in the woods, the last thing she would still drink out of. She desperately wanted to inspect the neighbors' houses, but since I have to follow her around, I stopped her (I don't think my neighbors would understand I'm just following the cat).

Eventually we ended back up at the garden and she napped in the mulch for hours. It was an overcast morning with some periods of light rain. It started to rain on her, but it doesn't bother it her, she's still sleeping. Eventually it's raining enough that I decided to pick her up and hold her under the overhang of the porch. I cradled her and she slept in my arms, so happy and content. It was a very special moment. After the rain stopped I let her back down and she went back to sleep in the mulch.


I had to call her clinic and make the appointment as she napped. I cried so much I could barely get it out. The appointment was set for 4:30.

Eventually it was 11:00 and I wanted to get a drink, grab a bite and needed a bathroom break so we went in. Muffy went and laid down under her chair, where she can hide. DH was only able to take half the day off and got home before we went back out again. She laid on the bed and let DH pet her for a long while. She loved how he petted her.


We finally let her in the the neighbor's back yard and followed her back into the woods again. This time she wouldn't drink anything from her puddle. We came back to the garden. It was about 2:00 then and a little sunnier. She laid on the retaining wall and slept for a long while. Eventually, I think maybe it was a little too sunny, she tried to crawl into the rose bushes. I was worried about her, and her recent judgment, so I gently pulled her out and pointed her another direction. Then she figured out that she could go behind the eunomyus to hide behind the roses. She laid down back there and slept there till 4:00.


She was very happy. Pleased to be outside, in the garden. She's always loved to lay in the garden and when I made this one, I made it for her. I remember right after we finished it last year and she proudly laid down and looked at me approvingly. She knew it was hers.

I think we gave her the best last day she could have asked for. There is nothing that makes her happier than being outside. But all the hiding behavior makes me think she knew it was time too, but it didn't make it any easier.

At 4:00 I picked her up and we hugged her and cradled her and cried. I had my husband get the car ready. We put her kitty cuddler on the floor in front of my seat cause she hated her pet taxi. I didn't want to make her anymore upset than necessary.


We got to our appointment a few minutes late. Why would you want to get there early?

After it was over, I held her and cried. Her body so limp. She was gone. I laid her back down. I took my last chances to look her over. Her little feet. Petted her coat. We looked in her mouth and felt her jaw a final time.

We cried on the way home but when we got back to the house, we lost it. She normally came out to greet us when we got home and that reflex of looking for her immediately is hard wired in us. There are lots of those things that are hard wired in us. Every time I go in the closet I will check to see if she is in her basket. I keep looking towards the window to see if she's in her cuddler. I turn my head as I walk by the laundry room to see she has enough food. There are many holes in me that will take sometime to repair.

Yesterday was a sad day, probably the saddest day of my life, but Muffy was happy, so very happy that last day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Muffy 1990-2009


Loved to the end.


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Another week

Bird's comment came at just the right time. I was going to the vet's today to pick up some more appetite stimulant pills. I saw Bird's comment and called my vet and asked if I could bring Muffy in for fluids. So Muffy got fluids today. And all the fluid ended up settling around one of her front legs and it looks like she has a beefy arm.

Despite her having kidney disease, we've never had to do sub-q fluids before. She normally drinks like a fish. But in the last couple days she's lost interest. When she was outside the other day she found a bucket that we had some grape vines (and mud, and grass clippings) and LOVED drinking that nasty water. I was fine with it till it got really gross and tossed the old nasty water and replaced it with fresh and she doesn't want it anymore.


There isn't a good way to say this. We have another week. That's probably it. It breaks my heart.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Facebook and Muffy Update

I finally logged back into facebook (cause they sent me a nasty little email that I've been ignoring a ton of requests). I hadn't been on in about a year and a half. It took me a while to figure out my password. I was kinda hoping I wouldn't.

I had a bunch of friend requests waiting including 2 asshole DJ's from a station I quit listening to about a year and a half ago. I ignored them. But everyone else I recognized got approved.

Including Mel! A few of you all know my full name, cause I sometimes use that email address. A part of me doesn't want people that I haven't seen since highschool or college inferring from my friends list that I am infertile. But, I just don't give a shit anymore. I'm Infertile, and I'm proud! (And by the way, I'm not terribly public with this, but I usually send/receive blog related email at amandawithpcos at gmail dot com if you ever want to email me)

But things are not good right now. Muffy is having more trouble eating. She's eating enough most of the time, but it is so difficult for her to eat. Me and my husband probably had the hardest conversation of our marriage last night. I'm calling the vet today to talk about it. It's not going to get better, we can keep putting it off, but not for long.

She was doing so well the other day that I thought we really might have months left before having to really sit down and discuss it, but as much trouble is she is having eating, I don't think so. It seems like it has gotten quite a bit worse in the last few days. I fucking hate cancer.

I tried to catch her eating to show you. She just started rubbing the sides of her face with her forearms when she chews now. This is totally new behavior. Does it look like she is having as much trouble to you all as it does to me? Anyone else's cat do this normally?



The roses are really out now.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

So I went to the RE

I'm glad I called and made my appointment when I did because my RE is on vacation for the next week and a half starting today.

One of the nurses was in the waiting room when I got there and just couldn't get over how much weight I'd lost. She definitely scored some brownie points with me. The scale wasn't quite as kind, but I'd expected a little increase due to some recent emotional eating.

But, wow, I was there forever! The appointment lasted almost an hour. I like the guy, but sometimes I just want to say to him, "Ok, I get what you are getting at, can we just get to the point already?" We must have talked about pregnancy tests for 15 minutes... why, I don't know, but it really shouldn't have been a conversation at all.

He spent a very long time going over my treatment options. Of course the quick answer is femara, but he went through the whole thing. But I don't want to complain too much because he doesn't simply tell me what he's going to do, he does explain the why behind it. He did mention some things I will have to think about more. Like he doesn't think I'm a good candidate for orals + injectable, nor an injectables only cycle. His reasoning it that I tend to make 1 or 2 good follicles. There aren't a couple little ones lagging behind that just need a little FSH to get them up to size. He thinks if we added injectables to an oral cycle, we'd probably end up with the same number of follicles and if we did an injectables only cycle we would definitely follow a "low and slow" protocol and I'm very likely to hyperstimulate. Interesting. Not that he won't let me do injectables, he's just warning me. But that's ok, I just wanted him to approve femara for the time being, which he did of course.

And we talked about the LH stuff. I have been able to document my many, many, many positive LH surge strips and he said he's never seen a patient document something like that and doesn't really know what to do about it. We discussed suppression cycles and it's hanging out there, but I'm not ready for that just yet anyhow. He didn't really give me a clear answer as to whether he thought femara could improve the LH situation for me... it was sort of a maybe (we discussed the why behind the maybe, but this post is already getting long).

I told him I wasn't sure if I would cycle next month cause of Muffy. He said that was fine and when he said he was sorry to hear that she was ill... he seemed genuinely sorry. But he said he thinks there is a good chance I will get pregnant this month and I won't have to worry about it. I told him that I didn't think so, but would welcome being wrong.

And I just had to ask him today when he thought embryos actually implant. The internet will tell you anything from 3-12 dpo, and I don't know if any of that comes from a reputable source. He thinks 5-7 most of the time. He indicated that 4 might be possible, but it sounded like 5-7 was the likely scenario. Since today's 9dpo, I probably either am or am not by now already.

Finally, on the way out I mentioned Cycloset to him. He hadn't heard of it yet, but hopefully he will study up soon. I don't think it will be commercially available for a bit longer, so I can wait, but I hope's intrigued enough to stay on top of this.

So there you have it. (Nothing really)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Apples to Oranges to Infertilty

Today's post was inspired buy a number of posts and comments I have seen over my short blog-lifetime. This isn't so much about Nancy's post the other day (in case you saw that), but more about some of the comments I read related to it, and more so to some of the posts I have read in the past that try to make infertility into some kind of contest. Unfortunately, some IFers feel the need to compare their IF. I really hate it when I see this.

It bothers me so because it makes me feel like I need to justify my presence here. No one should have to do that. Only you decide if this is where you belong, and no one wants to belong here.

Sure, we've all met that one annoying girl that whined about having to do clomid and got pregnant the next month. But really, she doesn't come around too often, and if you see a lot of that type, maybe you should stay away from whatever site draws these women.

But that said, just cause you're only doing clomid (or another type of oral drug) doesn't mean that your pain doesn't exist. Drugs need not be injected to cause hurt. Enduring an IVF cycle does not make you more infertile than someone else. A loss is a loss. There is no membership fee to the infertile club. There is no 1 to 10 pain chart with smiley faces on it that we can use to grade everyone (Sorry, but 1's and 2's aren't allowed to talk to anyone 5 and above, cause they aren't infertile enough yet, you move past a 5 when you've experienced a loss, and when 10's are suffering no one else is allowed to complain, period).

ALL of the Land of IF is covered in emotional pain. We don't need to sit around and start comparing our pain to determine the "Head Infertile". And it's very destructive when we start doing that.

When I see this stuff it comes off to me like this (read in a snarky, oneupmanship tone)
I'm on clomid.
Well I'm on Injectables. You can't understand unless you've done injectables.
Well I'm doing IVF. You can't understand unless you've done an IVF.
Well I'm doing my 5th IVF. You can't understand unless you've done 5 IVFs.
Well ....
(this is like one of those Kristin Wiig "Penelope" sketches)

I would never presume that a failed clomid cycle is as painful as a loss or something like that, but we all have such different stories that we can't really know for sure that one isn't worse than the other. It's all perspective. If you spent 10 years of your life and tried everything and never saw a positive test how could someone say that your pain is less than someone that has been pregnant several times but suffered repeated losses. Both REALLY, REALLY suck but I would never say one sucked more than the other and no one can have truly experience both. No matter what, you are coming from different perspectives and are incomparable.

What if you were only infertile do to a situational circumstance? (ex. didn't meet mr. right till 38 or maybe never met mr. right?)
What if it were $$$ holding up your dreams (Blocked tubes=IVF=$$$$)
What if you live in the middle of nowhere and there are no qualified doctors anywhere near you?
What if you were born without a uterus or had to have a hysterectomy as a child or something?

So, hugs to all my friends. I hope you all get your dreams. Let's help and support each other through all of these ups and downs and remember that somewhere, someone probably has is worse and be thankful for what we do have.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Still indecisive

I realized after I published my post yesterday that I was really just wanting to hear it was ok to go ahead and cycle or sit it out. And that's what I got, so thank all of you for your input. Sometimes we just need to feel validated.

What is making sense to me right now is to go ahead and make the appointment with my RE to discuss my options and treatment for next cycle. I think I should probably also let him know that this stuff is going on at home and I'm having trouble deciding to cycle or not. I don't know if I will like what he has to say about that, but I think it will be better for him to know that's why I'm having trouble figuring out the next step.

Anyhow, I think I will at least feel better if I get my concerns addressed about my LH and get it in my chart to do femara so I won't have to worry about fighting with the nurses when I do decide to cycle again. And I might have a better feeling about whether to cycle or not at the start of next cycle rather than having to effectively make that decision now.

So, still indecisive, but feeling much better about it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

What should I do?

I have gone back and fourth on this about a dozen times a day and I feel terribly selfish devoting so much time to it in the first place. Should I try to cycle next month or not?

Here are the thoughts I'm balancing.

-I want to get pregnant (of course).

-I have a (terminally) sick cat.

-This might be the last month I have with her before it really gets bad and I have to take a break.

-Or she might not do well next month and then I will be super stressed again and should have taken a break anyhow.

-Also, I need to set up an appointment with my RE, probably this week to discuss switching to femara if I'm going to cycle next month.

-It's that or just try on my own and see what happens. I did ovulate on my own once during my break cycle. It could happen again.

What do you all think? Try one more time and hope Muffy's health holds out a little longer, or just stop and take a break for awhile?

I've been kicking this around with the husband, but he's stuck at the same place as me and doesn't really have an opinion on way or the other.

If there has been one good thing come out of all of this, for once, I'm not obsessively focusing on this TTC crap. It's too bad I can't forget about it all together so that I'm not trying to make this decision right now too.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

We are doing better

It's no secret, last week was bad. I really thought that we would probably be putting her down next week. I was making the plans.

But she is doing better and eating much better the last couple days. I think the appetite stimulant pills really helped. She even ate so much this morning that I decided to skip her breakfast pill. In fact she woke me up like normal this morning for breakfast and practically ate the whole can! I went back to bed after feeding her and happily listened to her wolf down her food from the other room. It's music to my ears.

I think her teeth cleaning probably contributed to a lot of her lack of appetite last week and now that it's been a few days that has probably helped.

She still gags some, but it doesn't seem to be as bad lately.

I got her some "Cat Milk" (it's processed so that she doesn't get digestive issues from it) and it was a win the first time I put it in front of her, but she has been less interested in it the last couple times. I'm still putting out little saucers of it though. Can't hurt.

Her favorite food lately has been what she always eats: Fancy Feast Grilled varieties (it's shredded and gravy covered). That's great, but we are still putting down all different types of food in case she decides to turn up her nose at the fancy feast all of a sudden. She is a cat after all.

Me and DH both think she feel s heavier lately too, but we haven't bothered to weigh her yet. I think we'd prefer to stay in delusion land a little longer.

So, I have temporarily returned to sanity. I'm still very bummed, but I feel like we have more time with her today than I did last week. That makes me happy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

How it is

Muffy has a tumor in her jaw bone. To give you an idea of what the means exactly, feel your jaw beneath your chin. You should feel a nice ridge of your jaw bone and soft area in the middle (where the evil double chin resides). Now that imagine instead of the soft area, the whole right side under your chin is hard bone. And it feels like it extends back into her neck quite a bit. The vet said he just about couldn't intubate her it is so large.

I'm kinda surprised that we didn't notice it sooner, but I also think it has grown fairly rapidly. We never thought to be suspicious.

And she is not eating. We weren't so worried when we thought it was just a tooth issue. We would fix it and get her eating again and get her to put back on weight. We'd kinda been through this type of thing before with the hyperthyroidism. But now we know that we will probably never be able to get her to regain the weight she's lost.

And she's lost a lot of weight. She lost 1 lb in 5 weeks. At the vet's office on Sat morning she weighed 6 lbs 14oz. Typing that makes me cry. She's never been this thin. She used to be a 10 lb cat and at one point she was a bit of a pudge at over 11. She is SOOOOO skinny. And if she keeps losing weight at the rate she was, we are looking at really only having a few weeks left until she is absolutely emaciated.

But we don't have to worry about the emaciation, cause we won't be able to watch her starve much longer. She must be hungry, but she just won't eat. When she does take a bite she acts like it is gaging her. The gaging just started in the last week and is what prompted the vet visit last weekend. It is cruel to keep her in a condition where she is starving and wasting away isn't it?

I got some appetite stimulating medicine today. I hope it works. She is acting like she is more interested in food, but still isn't eating much and gaging when she does. The freakin receptionist that gave it to me kept saying, "Well, I hope this fixes her up. It's so sad when they don't feel good." No, you idiot, this won't fix her, nothing will. Shut up! I wanted to yell at her very badly, but I didn't. I knew it wouldn't make me feel better.

I think maybe the hardest part about all of this is that Muffy is still Muffy. She is still my happy, cuddly baby. I think it would be easier to go into this if she was unhappy or appeared to be in pain. But she isn't. I just always figured that she would degenerate more before we got to this point. It would somehow be easier if I thought I was easing her suffering.

She's 19. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this much time with her. I knew it was coming, but I honestly think if it wasn't for this we would have another year or two with her. I just thought the end would be different. I was hoping that maybe she would just go to sleep one day and not wake up and I would be free from this terrible burden. How can I do this?

Thanks

I just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and support you all have shown. It means a lot to me.

I am working on a new post to explain the situation a little better, but I haven't had the time to do it lately. Maybe tonight.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Angry

I had IUI#2 yesterday. DH asked me to go into the collection room with him. He was worried he wouldn't be able to perform since he was pretty bummed too. And his count was quite a bit lower than it was any time that he's given a sample. I think we had sad sperm.

The other RE did the IUI. It was actually quicker and less uncomfortable than when Dr. C did it. But I really didn't care. I think I probably had some kind of sad look on my face the whole time. I think the nurse could tell. She kept asking me if something was wrong and giving me a look of sympathy.

After they left and me and DH were alone we just sat in silence for a while, holding hands. I finally said that if there was ever a time for a cycle to work, this was it, but I really don't think it will work, especially not after all the stress of the last couple days. And I told him I was angry. Angry that the cycle would fail. Angry that Muffy is going to die in such a way. And angry because I don't think I can do both at the same time. I don't reasonably think we can TTC with this stress on us. I'm worried that my desire to TTC will cloud my judgment in deciding how manage Muffy's illness. We returned to our silence again after that. Time was up, I got up and dressed and we went to work. 

Muffy going to sniff the roses.

Don't Eat the Lillies!

In the kennel at the vet's office before her teeth cleaning.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tumor

It wasn't her teeth... well her teeth weren't good, but apparently her drooling and difficulty eating are from a tumor in her jaw bone.

The vet says that her jaw is several times the size that it should be on the right side and is probably why she is having this trouble. He removed a tooth and that might help her, but we don't know yet.

It sounds like this problem is only going to get worse and the treatment options are not good. She probably wouldn't survive irradiation or chemo. He says they can remove part of her jaw and fix it that way, but it would be very difficult on her as well and disfiguring. He thinks we should just try to keep her comfortable....

The waiting room

I left Muffy at the vet's this morning. I cried. I closed the door to her cage and couldn't help but wonder if this will be the last time I see her.

It is so hard to walk away and leave your baby behind.

The vet has promised me he will call when they are done. They will start her cleaning about 10. She should be ready to go home by noon.

Now I wait.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

A cheesy fantasy

I just had a little fantasy of what my baby shower would look like if I ever had one*.

I would require we be fed pizza and the only type of pizza allowed be Cheese... you know, cause I'm a vegetarian and pregnant and have an even stronger aversion to meat than normal.

And there would be whiners and I would use all my uber-pregnancy-induced bitchiness to say, "Tough luck chicky, I have to put up with meat eaters every freakin day. Today is mine and no meat allowed!"

And I would glow.

Can you imagine seeing multiple open pizza boxes and all of them cheese, rather than the common scenario of multiple open pizza boxes and none of them cheese? Heaven.

*And by the way, I am never having a baby shower. Even if I get pregnant, I refuse. I figure having a kid is cheaper than fertility treatments, so I won't mind not getting the gifts and I won't have to put up with insensitive fertiles asking me when we are planning #2. I will however, still consume massive quantities of cheese pizza.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

My weekend so far

Did I mention that DH's birthday is Monday? Oh, well it is. And so is my sister's. And my father's is Tuesday. Oh and tomorrow is Mother's Day. So when I say I'm busy this time of the year, that's a big reason why.

And I'm totally slacking off this year. I'm not visiting anyone. I mailed out cards too late on Friday, so I'm sure the Mother's Day ones will arrive late. So what if I'm a bad daughter, my mom has forgot my birthday before. I get allowances.

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We had to take Muffy to the vet's this morning. She is not doing well. We think her drooling is a serious dental problem. She hasn't been eating or drinking enough for a while now. She's lost lots of weight. We took her in about a month ago and had her get an antibiotic shot and we hoped it would help. It didn't help much and she's gotten worse. So now she is getting a dental cleaning and exam Monday.

I agonized about getting her teeth cleaned for years. Our family vet never offered this as a service and we didn't think about it back then. When I got her from my parents 4 years ago her new vet wanted to do it, but she was already 15 and I figured she would only live another year or two and the teeth wouldn't be an issue. And I was terrified of putting her under anesthesia at her age. Well, now she is even older and in worse health and I really don't have a choice. We are to the point that she is going to die SOON if we don't do something. I just hope she does well Monday and we fix what is causing her problems.

Her disposition is still good and she seems happy, but I know she is in a very place health wise right now. We have done EVERYTHING to try to get her to eat more. Kitten food was a winner today and but she still didn't eat much. Poor baby.

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Since it's DH's birthday weekend, I had no idea what to get him. However I knew he needed new clothes so I forced him shopping this morning and then we went to see Star Trek (and I paid of course).

We really liked the movie. I think they did a really good job and it brought back fond memories of childhood. I'm no Trekkie, but we used to play Star Trek when I was a kid. Plus I grew up on Reading Rainbow and loved LeVar Burton (aka Geordi or The Guy with a Banana Clip on His Face). I will have to admit to being more of a fan of the Next Generation series than the original.

But it was a total sausage fest in there. The male to female ratios were approximately opposite of the Sex and the City movie.

I felt guilty being at the movies with Muffy so sick, but I know there is nothing we can do for her till Monday.

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We went to church tonight to avoid the big Mother's Day mass celebration. Ick.

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DH left to buy a tiller from some guy. I had to spot him some cash. He's lucky I had any, that was my Bunco winnings there.

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Since DH is gone I think I may watch the Sex and the City in the Movie since I'm thinking about it now. I bawl during the opening credits when we see Charlotte with Lily. And again at the end when she has her baby. Charlotte is my favorite, fictional infertile.

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Tomorrow I have to go into work to attempt to get some stuff done. I'm so behind these days. I blame IF. How am I suppose to work when I'm thinking about pee sticks all the time?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Catching up

I have been pretty busy lately and I don't think I will be catching a break for awhile. Work is busy, home is busy, family is busy, TTC is a pain... you know. So I'm behind on my reader and commenting. Hopefully I'll catch up this weekend.

I left my planner at home today and I'm kinda glued to that thing, so I'll probably be more irritable today without it.

Today is CD13 and I got my follicle check this morning. I had an 18mm on Lefty and I think that is same size we had last month at this time (I think, if I had my planner I would know for sure). Since last month did not work, we are pushing off the trigger till Sunday night (CD15) and then IUI on Tuesday morning (CD17).

As soon as I get done with my IUI I get to travel to the far corner of my state for a client meeting and I probably won't get home till 1am or something. Sounds like a fun day doesn't it? Maybe I will ovulate while in a meeting with my client, that should make things interesting.

My nurse also let me in on some interesting info. We are getting a new female RE from a much larger clinic in June/July. She is more progressive (Dr. C is more old school) and my nurse thinks I should meet with her and see if she will treat me a little more proactively. I think it's a good idea and I will probably set up something after she starts her clinics, but for next month I need to keep working with Dr. C, so nothing will change any too quickly.

And I remembered to have my nurse draw circles on me for my trigger today. She asked, jokingly, if I wanted smiley faces. I laughed but said no, only because I am worried that my shirt might ride up a work and my coworkers don't need to see that. But I totally forgot about my acupuncture appointment afterwards. It would have been hilarious for him to pull up my shirt and see smiley faces staring back. Missed an opportunity.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Exciting news?

I read this article yesterday about a drug called Cycloset. Although it's for diabetes, it also for insulin resistance and it's basically the drug bromocriptine which is sometimes used in PCOS treatment and for women with high levels of prolactin. I don't understand enough about it yet, but it makes me wonder if this couldn't be a new PCOS treatment. Its name even sounds like something that could be used to regulate cycles, I mean it's called 'Cycloset' for crying out loud! Here is published paper of the clinical trial. I haven't had a chance to google it much yet, but you can bet I will soon.

Must add to list of questions for RE.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hope in a bottle

I think I have made it clear already that I'm not expecting anything this month. And although I threw the towel in on this cycle already (actually I threw it in when I still had 2 days left of clomid), it's not like I'm going to go out and binge drinking or anything. I have, however, indulged in several very large Sonic Diet Cherry Limeades (oh, scandalous!).

I finished my clomid, I'm still going to my mid cycle u/s, I'm still planning an IUI, I still have acupuncture appointments, I just don't care about any of it anymore. I am not emotionally invested in this cycle.

My husband was kinda upset when I announced to him that it wouldn't work the other day. He said we should keep some hope. I don't really see why, but if that's what he needs, then he can keep hoping.

But as I laid in bed and thought about it, I saw my little bottle of St. Joseph 81mg aspirin on my night stand. When I bought it the other week I must have spent 5mins in front of all the baby aspirins trying to decide which one to buy. They are all the same, so I should have just grabbed the cheapo store brand and walked away. But, no, I wanted to pay double and get the St. Joseph. I knew it then that the little bottle was the only thing I was able to change for this cycle. The only thing that could give me a little hope and reassurance that maybe it just wasn't enough last cycle. So I bought the more expensive brand. Maybe because there is a heart on the packaging or maybe it was the thought of St. Joseph himself, but I wasn't going to let all the hope I had for this cycle ride on a bottle of store brand aspirin.

And for the record, it's hard to shutout hope. That little twit keeps trying to sneak her way back in, but she can sit out in the cold until she offers up something real.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Betrayed by my body again

Somehow I have managed to lose some weight this year (thanks Met!). But the sad irony is the first place I always loose weight from is my Boobs. For a big girl, I have a small rack. I don't want huge boobs or anything, I just want to balance out. And most plus sized clothes are made for girls with more up top, which makes finding things that fit ever harder.

Well, for the last week or two I've had terrible rib pains. I didn't know what it was at first, but I soon figured it had to be from my bra. It wasn't too tight, but I suspected that the girls had indeed shrunk some. So last night I went bra shopping.

Ugg... I hate bra shopping. Perhaps it's due to traumatic experiences from my childhood. I have to go to Lane Bryant and we have the worst sales associates in the world at mine. Of course no one bothers to ever come over and help me even though there is no one else in the store. I grabbed about a dozen bras in every combo of band and cup size in the style I wear and went to try on.

And I really hate that dumb stat that 1 in 10 people are wearing the right bra size, or whatever it is. It's probably mostly true (if they look saggy or you got chub squeezing out you probably need a new bra), but I've done the measuring before to find my 'true' bra size and I ended up with something ridiculously huge that didn't fit. Now, I just make sure that it's comfortable, slims me, straps are in the correct place, and the girls are properly supported and look to be in the correct place and no one's spilling out.

Now to be a hypocrite. I'm pissed about what bra size worked the best for me. I was a 42C (yes, I told you I'm fat) and I ended up in a 44B. For the record, at my thinest, I could wear a Victoria Secret 36C. However I do understand that cup sizes are not fixed things, so even though I went down in cup size, the increase in band size made up for it some.

But still, I've lost weight and I had to get a bigger band! I've lost like 4 (full) pant sizes this year but I just gained a band size. Nuts. Can I blame this on the clomid too?

Oh well, rib pain is gone. I'll stop my bitching now and just be happy that things are taken care of.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

This cycle is not going to work

I said it the other day and I need to probably explain a little now. This cycle is not going to work. It won't matter if I grow a dozen follicles and hubby's sperm are champs, it just isn't going to work. I wish this cycle was already over.

I'm not just being pessimistic. I've been putting the pieces together and doing the research and I do not think that clomid will work for me.

My basic reasoning is that high LH before you are supposed to have an LH surge is bad for egg quality. PCOSers tend to have high LH and I'm pretty sure I fit in that group, because almost every OPK I have ever used has been positive. I thought I just didn't know how to read them, but no, they actually are positive. That ain't good.

So what's the solution? Well, it isn't more clomid. It probably isn't Femara, but I'm sure I'll give it a try anyhow. It might be injectables because the action they take is very different than either Femara or Clomid. But, most likely it's probably a suppressed cycle where we can control my LH, i.e. IVF.

You see, clomid and Femara both disrupt estrogen (albeit by different methods), but low estrogen causes the pituitary gland to pump out more LH and FSH. And too much LH in my case. What I need to do is shut down my pituitary gland through suppression (birth control pills and lupron). And then feed my ovaries hormones through injectables.

I think it's pretty uncommon to do a suppressed injectable IUI cycle, but this is standard procedure for IVF. So, in my head, the only way out of this is through IVF. It's that or, honestly, I think I might have a better chance just trying to ovulate and conceive on my own.

So all of that is why I don't think this cycle will work. I'm sad about that, but I'm more sad/scared about the thought of IVF. IVF is a whole new ball game.

Now I need to have a talk with my RE. I'm fully willing to entertain several femara cycles (for the hell of it), but I think I won't have much of a choice after that. Another big problem is that my clinic sucks at IVF... in 2007 only 1 of the 6 IVF cycles it performed for women <35 was successful. ONLY ONE. My clinic just doesn't do many IVFs. Clearly I will have to find another clinic, and I really like my clinic, so that part upsets me a lot. I'm not good at breaking up. There is another clinic a couple of hours away and I wonder if they would let me do my monitoring here and travel for the procedures... it's that or I have to drop my clinic altogether and go to the other clinic in town that actually is good at IVF (the clinic that is several hours away has slightly better numbers that the other clinic in town).

It's just a lot to think about right now.

But, OMG, you have to see this. I totally stole this from another blog, but I just had to share.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

We were just talking about that

I didn't get to talk to my husband after the SIL conversation because he was out of town hunting again (turkey season). Don't worry, he didn't get anything :D

Well, apparently he called his mom while driving home and they had a conversation about how difficult BIL can be and his mom even brought up that she was sorry that they were having a boy since BIL seems to be so damn scarred by being circumcised (Which is of course a total load of crap, it's not like he can remember it, nothing went wrong. GET OVER IT!).

I just think it was funny that even his own mother thinks he's an over the top ass sometimes. It made me feel better.

DH and I also had a long conversation about our treatment last night. This cycle is not going to work (another post on this later, but trust me, it's doomed). I honestly think we may be saving money for IVF before the end of the year. It wasn't a happy conversation, but I needed him to really understand that now and understand why his brother's position hurts me so much.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Fertiles, decend your Ivory Towers!

I got up the courage and called my SIL last night. We talked. I think we are alright, and I knew we would be as soon as we talked about it. But there were some interesting things that came up.

First a little about BIL... he's pretty different from DH. BIL is a good guy, very smart, good son, but very strong willed and can be a bit of a jerk. Ex. We and a bunch of other family members were helping them move last time and BIL got kind of fed up with everyone (I'm sure we all know how stressful moving can be) and put his earbuds in, cranked up the ipod and stopped listening to all the people that were kind enough to help him move! How rude and childish can a grown man be? SIL did get on to him for acting like a jerk and he stopped it after she yelled at him, but that was pretty ridiculous of him.

So through the course of the conversation I heard how SIL was sad and disappointed when they found out they were having a boy because she knew they would fight over the circumcision issue. For some reason, BIL is dead set against it (DH and BIL were themselves). Finally, SIL put enough compelling evidence in front of him to convince him, but the worst part was that she had to be upset that they were having a boy because he can be such a jerk at times. I don't care what side of the issue you are on, but you shouldn't be such an ass that your pregnant wife has to be upset that she's having a boy.

Ok, so after that we were talking about my infertility and we got to IVF. SIL warned me to not mention IVF to BIL b/c he is dead against it. Now I'm pissed.

Before I started IF treatments I had decided that IVF was not the right solution for my infertility, no judgment against anyone else, but it just wasn't going to be my solution. Fast forward a couple months and failed cycles and I'm definitely starting to consider it. The further you get into this, you realize that from a moral point view, IVF isn't really that different from IUI cycles and pretty much eliminates the risk that you would need to consider selective reduction in case of an IUI gone wrong. I would much rather have babies on ice than deciding which one to abort or risk all of my children's and my life. It's definitely a gray area, but I do not believe that children conceived through IVF are loved or desired any less by God than naturally conceived children. I think my position officially makes me a bad Catholic, but my beliefs are strong about this.

I tried to explain this a little to SIL but you know it's hard to explain this stuff to people that don't know about ART. SIL is understanding and overall seems to be nonjudgmental, but she brings up that she wouldn't do that if it were her, they would adopt. That is great, and I'm all for adoption, but I think we all know why that is easier said than done. She is pregnant and will probably deliver a healthy baby. She will never have to make the kinds of decisions I make and most of my infertile friends make. And NO ONE can really say what they would do unless they were faced with the question. Isn't that the truth! You can sit in an ivory tower all day, but when you see what it really is to be down here, pleading with God every month to give you a child, getting your heart broken time and time again and picking up the pieces, it's not so easy to say what you wouldn't do.

BIL and SIL have made the same decision as me and DH: To try to have a biological child. The difference is that their desire was fulfilled quickly. That's a huge difference.

So, I really, really hope that I don't have to do IVF. I pray every day that I am able to resolve this without experiencing that. But if I do, and my BIL says anything negative to me about it to me, I will take him down. He will never be a part of my child's life if he has such contempt for how my child was made. To a certain degree, the line is already drawn.