Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Apples to Oranges to Infertilty

Today's post was inspired buy a number of posts and comments I have seen over my short blog-lifetime. This isn't so much about Nancy's post the other day (in case you saw that), but more about some of the comments I read related to it, and more so to some of the posts I have read in the past that try to make infertility into some kind of contest. Unfortunately, some IFers feel the need to compare their IF. I really hate it when I see this.

It bothers me so because it makes me feel like I need to justify my presence here. No one should have to do that. Only you decide if this is where you belong, and no one wants to belong here.

Sure, we've all met that one annoying girl that whined about having to do clomid and got pregnant the next month. But really, she doesn't come around too often, and if you see a lot of that type, maybe you should stay away from whatever site draws these women.

But that said, just cause you're only doing clomid (or another type of oral drug) doesn't mean that your pain doesn't exist. Drugs need not be injected to cause hurt. Enduring an IVF cycle does not make you more infertile than someone else. A loss is a loss. There is no membership fee to the infertile club. There is no 1 to 10 pain chart with smiley faces on it that we can use to grade everyone (Sorry, but 1's and 2's aren't allowed to talk to anyone 5 and above, cause they aren't infertile enough yet, you move past a 5 when you've experienced a loss, and when 10's are suffering no one else is allowed to complain, period).

ALL of the Land of IF is covered in emotional pain. We don't need to sit around and start comparing our pain to determine the "Head Infertile". And it's very destructive when we start doing that.

When I see this stuff it comes off to me like this (read in a snarky, oneupmanship tone)
I'm on clomid.
Well I'm on Injectables. You can't understand unless you've done injectables.
Well I'm doing IVF. You can't understand unless you've done an IVF.
Well I'm doing my 5th IVF. You can't understand unless you've done 5 IVFs.
Well ....
(this is like one of those Kristin Wiig "Penelope" sketches)

I would never presume that a failed clomid cycle is as painful as a loss or something like that, but we all have such different stories that we can't really know for sure that one isn't worse than the other. It's all perspective. If you spent 10 years of your life and tried everything and never saw a positive test how could someone say that your pain is less than someone that has been pregnant several times but suffered repeated losses. Both REALLY, REALLY suck but I would never say one sucked more than the other and no one can have truly experience both. No matter what, you are coming from different perspectives and are incomparable.

What if you were only infertile do to a situational circumstance? (ex. didn't meet mr. right till 38 or maybe never met mr. right?)
What if it were $$$ holding up your dreams (Blocked tubes=IVF=$$$$)
What if you live in the middle of nowhere and there are no qualified doctors anywhere near you?
What if you were born without a uterus or had to have a hysterectomy as a child or something?

So, hugs to all my friends. I hope you all get your dreams. Let's help and support each other through all of these ups and downs and remember that somewhere, someone probably has is worse and be thankful for what we do have.


Unknown said...

well said :)

Nichole said...

I think this is one of the most well written posts I have ever read. Thank you - I am "only" doing Clomid right now for multiple reasons, but I have felt by fellow IF's that I do not necessarily "belong" because we have been trying for over 4 years and have not done IVF.
Thank you for putting this out there - I am going to write a post and link to this one - THANK YOU!

The Accidental Mommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dianne said...

I agree! It is so easy to think, but I have gone through so much! Well there is always someone who has it worse out there, and there are people just starting out on their journey. Either way it is still painful. It is painful enough to go through infertility. That is why we blog - to find comfort through the help of others!!!

Elizabeth said...

This is so true! It stinks all the way around to be in this position! Thanks for the post:)

Celia said...

This was lovely Amanda, and so very true.

Anonymous said...

Well said. Everyone has a different story, and there is really no way and no reason to try to compare pain. It all sucks.

Michelle said...

Very true! Very well said.