Friday, May 1, 2009

Fertiles, decend your Ivory Towers!

I got up the courage and called my SIL last night. We talked. I think we are alright, and I knew we would be as soon as we talked about it. But there were some interesting things that came up.

First a little about BIL... he's pretty different from DH. BIL is a good guy, very smart, good son, but very strong willed and can be a bit of a jerk. Ex. We and a bunch of other family members were helping them move last time and BIL got kind of fed up with everyone (I'm sure we all know how stressful moving can be) and put his earbuds in, cranked up the ipod and stopped listening to all the people that were kind enough to help him move! How rude and childish can a grown man be? SIL did get on to him for acting like a jerk and he stopped it after she yelled at him, but that was pretty ridiculous of him.

So through the course of the conversation I heard how SIL was sad and disappointed when they found out they were having a boy because she knew they would fight over the circumcision issue. For some reason, BIL is dead set against it (DH and BIL were themselves). Finally, SIL put enough compelling evidence in front of him to convince him, but the worst part was that she had to be upset that they were having a boy because he can be such a jerk at times. I don't care what side of the issue you are on, but you shouldn't be such an ass that your pregnant wife has to be upset that she's having a boy.

Ok, so after that we were talking about my infertility and we got to IVF. SIL warned me to not mention IVF to BIL b/c he is dead against it. Now I'm pissed.

Before I started IF treatments I had decided that IVF was not the right solution for my infertility, no judgment against anyone else, but it just wasn't going to be my solution. Fast forward a couple months and failed cycles and I'm definitely starting to consider it. The further you get into this, you realize that from a moral point view, IVF isn't really that different from IUI cycles and pretty much eliminates the risk that you would need to consider selective reduction in case of an IUI gone wrong. I would much rather have babies on ice than deciding which one to abort or risk all of my children's and my life. It's definitely a gray area, but I do not believe that children conceived through IVF are loved or desired any less by God than naturally conceived children. I think my position officially makes me a bad Catholic, but my beliefs are strong about this.

I tried to explain this a little to SIL but you know it's hard to explain this stuff to people that don't know about ART. SIL is understanding and overall seems to be nonjudgmental, but she brings up that she wouldn't do that if it were her, they would adopt. That is great, and I'm all for adoption, but I think we all know why that is easier said than done. She is pregnant and will probably deliver a healthy baby. She will never have to make the kinds of decisions I make and most of my infertile friends make. And NO ONE can really say what they would do unless they were faced with the question. Isn't that the truth! You can sit in an ivory tower all day, but when you see what it really is to be down here, pleading with God every month to give you a child, getting your heart broken time and time again and picking up the pieces, it's not so easy to say what you wouldn't do.

BIL and SIL have made the same decision as me and DH: To try to have a biological child. The difference is that their desire was fulfilled quickly. That's a huge difference.

So, I really, really hope that I don't have to do IVF. I pray every day that I am able to resolve this without experiencing that. But if I do, and my BIL says anything negative to me about it to me, I will take him down. He will never be a part of my child's life if he has such contempt for how my child was made. To a certain degree, the line is already drawn.


Celia said...

An IVF child is made out of love just like a B/D child. It takes so much love and determination and sacrifice to have an IVF baby. I will fly out to you and we can take turns slapping your BIL.

I am glad you made up with your SIL.

I got sick of trying to confine my morals withing the parameters deemed acceptable by the Catholic Church a long time ago.

For me, Lutheranism has all the pluses and non of the minuses.

Michelle said...

I'm glad you were able to talk with your SIL and things are better.
As for BIL, if you have to go the IVF route and he's negative in any way, you have every right to flip out and put him in his place.

Anonymous said...

It's good you are getting along with SIL better. Screw BIL, he seems to be a naturally negative person away!

Nichole said...

I ditto EXACTLY what Celia said! I am a "recovering Catholic" (that's what I like to call it - I mean no offense, only a bit of humor) and am now part of a non-denominational Christian Church.

As for the BIL - I think he needs to get his head out of the sand, and stop being so black/white about everything - life is MOST DEFINITELY NOT black/white!

Jill said...

wow.. BIL sounds like a regular ball of sunshine! (He actually sounds a bit like my BIL, but mine isn't quite extreme in the jerkiness..... )

Glad you talked it out with SIL! At least that's one good thing!

Hillary said...

I'm glad you able to have a heart to heart with your SIL, even though she doesn't really get it (but most fertiles don't). And I feel very similarly to you about IVF...I don't know if we would do it, but the further we get on this journey the more I would be willing to. But I still hope we don't have to.

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