Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hope in a bottle

I think I have made it clear already that I'm not expecting anything this month. And although I threw the towel in on this cycle already (actually I threw it in when I still had 2 days left of clomid), it's not like I'm going to go out and binge drinking or anything. I have, however, indulged in several very large Sonic Diet Cherry Limeades (oh, scandalous!).

I finished my clomid, I'm still going to my mid cycle u/s, I'm still planning an IUI, I still have acupuncture appointments, I just don't care about any of it anymore. I am not emotionally invested in this cycle.

My husband was kinda upset when I announced to him that it wouldn't work the other day. He said we should keep some hope. I don't really see why, but if that's what he needs, then he can keep hoping.

But as I laid in bed and thought about it, I saw my little bottle of St. Joseph 81mg aspirin on my night stand. When I bought it the other week I must have spent 5mins in front of all the baby aspirins trying to decide which one to buy. They are all the same, so I should have just grabbed the cheapo store brand and walked away. But, no, I wanted to pay double and get the St. Joseph. I knew it then that the little bottle was the only thing I was able to change for this cycle. The only thing that could give me a little hope and reassurance that maybe it just wasn't enough last cycle. So I bought the more expensive brand. Maybe because there is a heart on the packaging or maybe it was the thought of St. Joseph himself, but I wasn't going to let all the hope I had for this cycle ride on a bottle of store brand aspirin.

And for the record, it's hard to shutout hope. That little twit keeps trying to sneak her way back in, but she can sit out in the cold until she offers up something real.

6 comments:

Michelle said...

We had that little talk about not giving up so early, at like 4am this morning. Not fun...
I'm still holding out hope for you though. Maybe that little change will make this different.

Sophie said...

Oh, goodness. I get the same waves of no hope/little hope/lots of hope :). I'm already preparing myself for a let down...just because I don't want to be depressed, especially around Mother's Day. It's tough to know what to think sometimes... Hang in there.

Sophie from Some Lace and Paper Flowers

birdsandsquirrels said...

I added the baby aspirin this last cycle too. I don't know if that's what made the difference, but it can't hurt. I had to laugh when you talked about getting St. Joseph's instead of the store brand, because I had the exact same thought when I bought it too! I just bought a new 3 pack yesterday of the St. Joseph's. There's no way I'm switching to a store brand now.

Hope is definitely sneaky. If you need to, let your hubby hold on to the hope this cycle. I'm holding on to some for you too.

Celia said...

I remember when I thought Hope was a nice name...

I always picture hope looking like the tubby bee from that Blind Melon video.

If diet cherry limeade from Sonic was a man, I would have an affair with it.

Hillary said...

Yum....that sonic drink sounds tasty! I know what you mean, sometimes it feels wrong to hope while at the same time it feels wrong to give up hope.

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Kischa said...

I think I've given up on hope as well. My husband asked me when I was going to start back with my IF treatments, I really wanted to say never. I'm loving this break.