Tuesday, June 2, 2009

5w 0d

I wouldn't have called attention to today's status normally, but since I'm afraid that I won't make it to 6w, might as well seize what I can.

You know, it might not be ectopic, and it might be just fine, and Santa might be real, but I don't think he is. I'm not just thinking it's ectopic cause it's fun to drive myself nuts with worry, I'm saying that because I have thought that from the start. Implanting at 4 days? I didn't think anything can get through the tube that fast. And the constant cramping and the distended feeling that I have only had on my left side this whole time? I told my nurse at my first beta I was worried cause I had only felt anything on my left side. Nothing in the middle, where it should be. And isn't this what ectopics do, start out fine and then slow down cause they don't have room and aren't properly nourished?

And, yes, I do feel pain on my left side. It's dull and not severe enough to go to the hospital, but it freaks me out. I'm seriously afraid of it rupturing while I'm driving and or while I'm alone, or something where my odds of dying are pretty good. And not all ectopic pregnancies are the same. Some have severe pain from the start, some give no warnings before rupturing.

They won't let me in before Friday cause they say that's the earliest they can see a gestational sac. I'm not completely buying this. I have no idea how I will make it to Friday.

And I'm pretty sure I don't want to go to SIL's baby shower this weekend now. I think I will call her and tell her what's happening tonight. I don't like the thought of telling any IRL person what is going on right now, but I don't think it's fair to force myself to have to handle all this pretty much alone. It might be nice to have someone (other than DH) to talk to.

I haven't been sleeping well for the last week. It might be the hormones (and their effects recently exacerbated by my fears) but I think it's also cause I miss Muffy. She's suppose to be with me at night, curled on my side. I brought home her ashes yesterday. I'm tired, scared, and sad. God, I wish I had her to hold right now.


Update: My nurse just called, they will let me go in for a scan this afternoon.


Celia said...

Well thank God they are letting you go in this afternoon. I do agree with you that an ectopic pregnancy is certainly possible but I am fervently hoping it is not.

I think you are right to embrace this baby while you have it. My pregnancy went from fine to NOT FINE so quickly but I will never forget the time I had.

You have just been getting smacked around, I really hope it will be ok.

SCS said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that its not an ectopic...and that everything looks good today.

I'll be thinking about you. And thank goodness they are giving you the scan today.

Michelle said...

I am so glad they are able to get you in today!! I really hope that everything is fine. After all you've been through, you deserve for this to truly be ok and to go normal! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hope to see a really good update later today.

Jill said...

Keeping my fingers crossed for good news. I'm really glad they're letting you in today.

Me said...

Please keep us posted - you will be in my thoughts and prayers until then...

Hillary said...

So glad you can go in. Thinking of you!


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you can go in for an ultrasound today. At 5w0d, you should be able to see the gestational sac. I am hoping and praying that it's in the uterus where it should be. I had a lot of cramps on the left side and was terrified about it being ectopic, but it turns out it was just the large corpus luteal cyst, because I ovulated from that side. I'm so hoping it's the same case with you.

I'm sure your SIL will understand about the shower. Like you said, it might be really good to have someone to talk to besides DH.

It must be so hard, missing Muffy and going through this worry and stress. I keep coming back to the thought that God or the universe can't be cruel enough to take away Muffy and put you through a miscarriage at the same time. This pregnancy HAS to be viable. It has to.

I'll be checking my google reader all afternoon and thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

I'll be checking in on you. I am so glad they are letting you go in today. Maybe it can give you some relief from the stress. Your in my thoughts....


Celia said...

I am thinking about you.