Tuesday, July 28, 2009

13w 0d

I'm not sure what to feel right now. Everything went fine at our appointment today. I'm just in a different place now than I was and I don't know how to be comfortable in it yet.

We had premised all of our discussions about the future on this appointment and now it's past. I feel like, for the first time, I'm pregnant... not that I actually feel anymore pregnant than before, but that my status now is 'pregnant' and before it was 'maybe'. This is happening and I've got the green light to accept it now. If I can.

And instead of just being happy that we found a heartbeat with the doppler I was disappointed that I didn't get an ultrasound. WTF is wrong with me? Just be happy your kid is alive, you moron! (But can you blame for wanting to have another look?)

And it's funny that my ob seems to be more excited about my pregnancy than me. She always tries to give me time to savor the moment, but I feel programed to shrug off that stuff and not act like I'm that attached and I don't enjoy the moment the way I should. I have this chip on my shoulder that forces me to act tough all the time. Other people describe hearing their baby's heartbeat for the first time as magical and I was just dissappointed that I didn't get the u/s. But my dr, she was visibly moved.

Then we went to talk to the insurance person (this is standard at my clinic for your 2nd appointment) and I got soooo pissed. I know how my friggin insurance works. Unfortunately, I've had the privileged to experience it in all it's glory, for the last couple years. She kept saying stuff that I didn't like (and know to not be 100% true 100% of the time) about how they were going to bill (I'm likely to get screwed out of my FSA). I got so upset I finally cried. My baby's heartbeat couldn't bring me to tears, but some old weathered woman named Barb in billing could. I'm just pissed that when this is all over I will probably be fighting with the ins company instead of enjoying my newborn. I feel sorry for couples that don't know about their insurance, because I would have totally been in the wilderness for that if I didn't know so much, and the lady talking to us was completely unhelpful ("This is how we do it, you don't have a choice!"). And one of the reasons I went to this OB is because she's at the best hospital in the area, but I know from prior experience, that they aren't always good at getting billing right. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope it all works out.

And we got out of the clinic and DH turned his phone back on to a voicemail from his brother that his baby was born. Probably around the time we were hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, they were holding theirs. Maybe that should have been comforting to me, but it just made me feel sad. I still have so much anxiety.

When I got back to work I just wanted to close the door to my office and let my emotions run, but work was crazy and quickly brought me back to reality. And I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep much last night because I was so worried about this appointment. And I just really need sometime to figure out what's going on in my head, but I don't know when I will.


Michelle said...

Aww I'm sorry it was a bad day. Infertility can really ruin the joys and excitement "normal" women get to experience.
That is great news that you got to hear the heartbeat! Hopefully billing all works out and you get to enjoy your time off with the baby instead of fighting insurance.
I hope you are able to get some good rest tonight and that tomorrow is a better day.

Jill said...


Jessica White said...

(thanks for your comment)

I'm still rather "bland" at my ob appts...they're all excited and I'm still paranoid to believe I'm pregnant or that we're actually going to get a baby out of this deal.

Right now, knowing that BIL/SIL are holding their baby girl and that mine is still abstract is just way too something for me. Like you, I just want to go in the bathroom and let my emotions go....why is this so hard?


Anonymous said...

13 weeks! Woo hoo! I'm glad that everything went fine at the appointment.

I miss ultrasounds too. It almost makes me want to go to one of those elective u/s places and pay the outrages prices and have one every couple of weeks or so, just to know that it's alive and growing. Maybe someday pg people will get frequent ultrasounds. I still can't believe I have to wait 5 weeks in between appointments this time. Don't they know that after two weeks, I start freaking out? I wanted to yell at my doctor "If you aren't going to approve me renting a doppler, you need to let me come in sooner, damn it!"

Pregnancy after IF is such an odd place to be. Take it one day at a time, and let yourself feel whatever it is that you are feeling. Some days it will be hope and happiness and contentment. Other days it may be a mixture of worry, anger, and irritation.

I'm sorry about the insurance issues.

Celia said...

13 weeks is a great place to be. I am sure your baby is growing ever more adorable each day.

Hillary said...

Congrats on 13 weeks!