I'm not sure what to feel right now. Everything went fine at our appointment today. I'm just in a different place now than I was and I don't know how to be comfortable in it yet.
We had premised all of our discussions about the future on this appointment and now it's past. I feel like, for the first time, I'm pregnant... not that I actually feel anymore pregnant than before, but that my status now is 'pregnant' and before it was 'maybe'. This is happening and I've got the green light to accept it now. If I can.
And instead of just being happy that we found a heartbeat with the doppler I was disappointed that I didn't get an ultrasound. WTF is wrong with me? Just be happy your kid is alive, you moron! (But can you blame for wanting to have another look?)
And it's funny that my ob seems to be more excited about my pregnancy than me. She always tries to give me time to savor the moment, but I feel programed to shrug off that stuff and not act like I'm that attached and I don't enjoy the moment the way I should. I have this chip on my shoulder that forces me to act tough all the time. Other people describe hearing their baby's heartbeat for the first time as magical and I was just dissappointed that I didn't get the u/s. But my dr, she was visibly moved.
Then we went to talk to the insurance person (this is standard at my clinic for your 2nd appointment) and I got soooo pissed. I know how my friggin insurance works. Unfortunately, I've had the privileged to experience it in all it's glory, for the last couple years. She kept saying stuff that I didn't like (and know to not be 100% true 100% of the time) about how they were going to bill (I'm likely to get screwed out of my FSA). I got so upset I finally cried. My baby's heartbeat couldn't bring me to tears, but some old weathered woman named Barb in billing could. I'm just pissed that when this is all over I will probably be fighting with the ins company instead of enjoying my newborn. I feel sorry for couples that don't know about their insurance, because I would have totally been in the wilderness for that if I didn't know so much, and the lady talking to us was completely unhelpful ("This is how we do it, you don't have a choice!"). And one of the reasons I went to this OB is because she's at the best hospital in the area, but I know from prior experience, that they aren't always good at getting billing right. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope it all works out.
And we got out of the clinic and DH turned his phone back on to a voicemail from his brother that his baby was born. Probably around the time we were hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, they were holding theirs. Maybe that should have been comforting to me, but it just made me feel sad. I still have so much anxiety.
When I got back to work I just wanted to close the door to my office and let my emotions run, but work was crazy and quickly brought me back to reality. And I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep much last night because I was so worried about this appointment. And I just really need sometime to figure out what's going on in my head, but I don't know when I will.