Friday, July 31, 2009

Priorities

Last night me and DH were discussing when we would visit his parents next and I'm apprehensive to do it. They are a fair distance away and you really need a 3 day weekend to make the trip worth it. But I don't like going because we never just visit his parents... no, it's a freakin family reunion 24 hours a day while we're down there. We all have to be in the same place and it's usually so bad you can't get a seat. The MONSTER children show up and their parents don't try, at all, ever, and I just can't be around that. Their's never anything for me to eat other than buttered rolls (really healthy stuff). People stay over until the wee hours of the morning (and the monsters are still up running around too, drinking mountain dew from their sippy cups). His dad falls asleep on the couch in the living room and snores so loudly I can't sleep, then gets up at 5 am and turns on the TV at full volume. Hygiene is not good and someone is ALWAYS sick. And they change the monsters' dirty diapers directly on the bed that I sleep on. The dogs jump up on me, fresh from the sheep barns. Yeah, I consider it a stressful situation that I'd rather not put myself in right now.

I'm sure we'll go down for Thanksgiving, but that is about all I can imagine handling at this time... and I don't know what will happen then, because BIL and SIL will be there with the baby and then the question will be does the family with the newborn baby get to sleep downstairs near the kitchen and only bathroom, or does the preggo chick get to so that she doesn't have to climb up and down the stairs of doom 3 times a night to pee? (Note, when SIL was pregnant we were sent upstairs so that she wouldn't have to navigate the stairs.)

But really the thing that bothers me the most about visiting my inlaws is that my husband forgets that he's married. Not like he hits on other women, but he forgets that I need to be considered. Like he could save me a seat next to him so that I don't have to eat on the couch in the other room, all alone. Or he could not disappear for the entire day to go play with rusty farm equipment and leave me trapped in the house all day. I get pretty needy (but not unreasonably so) when we are with his family and he doesn't realize that. I'm not emotionally strong enough to put up with that right now (hormones).

I was going some where with this...

Last night we were talking and I mentioned preecclampsia. DH didn't know what that was, so I explained and proceeded to scare the crap out of him (cause it's scary, and I have a couple of risk factors for it). So then I was saying that it might not be a great idea to get too far away from home because we need to be near a good hospital if that happens. So then we start talking about going/not going to his parents. And then DH accuses me of using the pregnancy as an excuse to not visit his parents... which is true. Normally I can deal with it all pretty well, but not right now and probably not with a newborn. And for the record, I don't like going to my parents' either, but they are close enough we can go for an hour or two and come home and I can regain sanity fairly quickly (and we probably see his family more than mine even though they are so much farther away).

Anyhow, it comes down to me telling him that his only priority should be me and the baby and keeping us both alive and healthy. Which he says he understands, but he clearly doesn't understand by the continued scoffing at my reluctance to visit his parents' house. This isn't just about me being paranoid and picky... this is from my drive to keep my baby alive!

From there I break down into a crying mess about how he doesn't get it that I have to worry all the time that I'm doing something wrong and could harm or kill the baby and it would be all my fault. Every bite of food, every chemical I touch or inhale, the water I drink... everything. He takes the whole healthy happy baby thing for granted. He doesn't realize how much I am doing to try to ensure it. And he will get it the first time he holds the baby in his arms. He will know the fear I feel, but he just can't contemplate the responsibility yet. It just hasn't hit him yet.

So, no, I don't want to visit his parents, I want to sit in a climate controlled bubble in a bomb shelter eating organic food and water that has been trapped in a pristine aquifer for the last 1000 years and bottled in a BPA free bottle just for me. Obviously I can't do that, but I can sit at home and cook my own meals and sleep on a bed that doesn't have baby shit on it already.

9 comments:

Jill said...

((hugs))

Rain Child said...

Your husband's family sounds a lot like my husband's family. This summer is the first time I will spend an extended period of time with them at the family house...and I am nervous. I plan on taking ear plugs, a good book, and making up several good playlists on my iPod.

HUGS!

wannabmomma said...

Is it possible to stay in a hotel nearby? I know it isn't the cheapest option, but how much is sanity and sanitation worth? Sounds like they're in farm county, so I don't know how much of an option that would be...

Good luck!

Michelle said...

I don't think I could handle going to my inlaws and actually staying there. Especially with other people staying as well. I might go crazier than I already am.
I agree and think it's safer to stay at home than deal with all that. I think it's harder for the men to get it until they actually see and hold the baby. Then it clicks and he will probably understand the concerns.
Have you told family yet that you are pregnant?

Michelle said...

And I wanted to add...my husband also "forgets" me when we are visiting his parents. He's a different person when we are there, and kinda zones away. It's incredibly awkward to sit there alone. I have always felt very out of place there.

Amanda said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person that looses their husband on a home visit.

Nope, ain't told anyone yet, but I will tell my parents this weekend.

Celia said...

I feel the same as you do. My husband has a tendency to drift off with his brothers and leave me with his parents. Which is very boring. But I told him he was abandoning me and he got better about it.

I feel exactly the same way you do though, about food and water and chemicals and germs.

liz said...

I'll echo the hotel suggestion. When we visit pretty much anyone in my husband's family we stay in a hotel. Not only do you get comfort and bathroom access, it also gives you a chance to get away from the family, make your own schedule and get your own downtime. When we do visit my inlaws and it gets to be too much for me, pregnancy is a great excuse to just say, "Sorry, I'm not feeling well, I'm going to go lay down for a bit."

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh no! No, I could not handle that situation either. I had a hard time visiting my mom recently, and it wasn't half as bad as what you describe.

Seriously, is a hotel a possibility at all? Even if it is a bit of a distance away? It might offend the in laws but really, who cares if it saves your sanity. It sounds like Thanksgiving will be really crowded with the BIL and SIL and their baby. Maybe you could make up some unpleasant pregnancy excuse, well, like insomnia or explosive diarrhea or something. I never make my husband stay at my mom's when we visit. He would be just too uncomfortable. When I visit alone, I stay there. When we visit together, we stay in a hotel half an hour away.

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to expose yourself to that stress and unsanitary environment. Can you suggest that they come visit you since you are pregnant and can't travel far?

I hate it when S forgets about me and leaves me to fend for myself with the crazy extended in law family. I dread those visits for weeks ahead of time.

I hope that your DH starts to "get" it soon. You may need to stand your ground about visiting his parents though. Let him go without you, maybe. I know that I enjoy my family visits a lot more without S because I don't have to worry about is he bored, is he okay, has my crazy uncle cornered him and talked his ear off about conspiracy theories. Of course that's because I actually consider his feelings and state of mind, which he seems sometimes unable to do.

Good luck! Do whatever you need to do to maintain your sanity and comfort. Subjecting yourself to that kind of stress is not good for you or the baby. Be a bitch if you need to!