Sunday, November 8, 2009

I hate my mother

I have started a handful of posts about something my mother has done to piss me off or hurt my feelings but I try to leave it off of here because I don't want to write things I wouldn't want the kid to see someday. I hate how my mother constantly talks terribly about her mother (deserved or not) and I'd like to avoid doing that to my kid. But today, I just have to get it out.

Yesterday we went to my Brother and SIL's for my nephew's first birthday (they shall be referred to as B&A). My family was there along with A's whole family.

My mom was being my mom, which annoys me enough, but I was really ticked off at her yesterday and it took me until this morning to put my finger on why. It mostly had to do with the fact that she kept acting like she cared about me and my pregnancy in front of everyone, when she does not.

She never said anything nice to me while we were going through treatment. She never called to ask how things were going or try to offer support. When she did call I called her she would go on forever about how cute my nephew is. At one point I told her it hurt my feelings for her to go on like that and to stop... which did not go over well, of course I was being unreasonable and a bad guy with this request.

Since getting pregnant she hasn't bothered to ask me anything or try to help in anyway or act like she cares in general. We told her when the gender scan would be and I talked (ok actually, she talks for about 2 hours straight while I just say "ok" over and over again and then she says goodbye and hangs up, often with out ever asking me a question about myself) to her on the phone after but she never asked about the scan and I decided not to remind her about it. After all, she wanted a girl so badly, I knew telling her it was a boy would probably only disappoint her. My dad called a few weeks later and asked.

I hadn't even talked to her since that phone call (about 7 weeks now). So she really shouldn't act like she has had any involvement with this pregnancy.

She doesn't even know I switched doctors and hospitals. She doesn't know I was sent to a high risk OB and was put on a high risk schedule. She hasn't even ever asked if we had a nursery theme picked out.

I just want to scream at her that you have to EARN the "Grandma" title, cause right now I don't see any reason for her to be a significant part of our lives.

If weren't for my Dad, I probably would have walked away years ago and not looked back.

So basically I felt like it was convenient for her to pretend that she cares about me and the baby yesterday in front of all of A's family and I don't appreciate being used like that.

I have tried to resolve some of my issues with my mother many, many times in the past, but she always immediately launches in to her defensive position to act like she is being bullied and miss treated and starts screaming and crying and making me the bad guy (really, it's quite a spectacle). Everyone in my family knows her game, but you can't call her out on it because she will deny it until she dies. It's just not worth it anymore.


Another thing that irked my about yesterday (and actually isn't my mom's fault) is that I was kinda hoping that we might get some hand me downs from B&A that Barrett has outgrown. So far nothing has been mentioned or offered and I would feel rude to bring it up myself. My other brother and SIL passed all of my older nephew's baby things on to my parents for whoever needed it... well I didn't get to it first (obviously, no matter how hard I tried), so B&A took everything. So I kinda feel like it would be nice for them pass some stuff on too but I don't think they have any intention of doing that. And I'd be willing to give it back if they wanted it for future children, because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. And my older nephew's mom even made the comment to me during the party about how, "We can just keep passing everything on!" Yeah, except that chain seem to have broken. It kinda hurts my feelings.


meggo said...

Holy cow, girl. Your Mom-drama really bites. If your mom was wanting to show more of an interest in you, now would be a great time. I am so sorry. As for B&A, here's hoping they do the right thing. Hang in there!

Hillary said...

I'm so sorry. :( I have some similar issues with my mom that I keep off my blog (paranoid she'll find it), so I know how hard it is. I'm sorry!

Michelle said...

I have mom drama too. I've already done these long posts then deleted them instead of publishing just in case she finds it. haha
I think it's really rude to show off for other family but ignore you all the other times.
I hope the family decides to pass the stuff down for your little guy. I have no problems with hand me downs especially when they are babies because they hardly get to use it before they grow again!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that your mom is like that. It sounds like she is very hurtful and selfish. The lack of support and the lack of interest on her part are astounding. She never called to find out the gender after the anatomy scan? I would be incredibly pissed too. It sounds like avoiding her and protecting yourself and your baby from her negativity are probably the only options you have.

I have different issues with my mom. She is almost too interested and intrusive. She is a control freak, narcissistic, and extremely unhealthy in a number of ways, and I will NEVER leave my kid alone with her.

I'm sorry about the B and SIL not offering to pass anything on to you guys. How rude of them. I hope you find a way to let your other brother know that they have broken the chain of sharing.

Sophie said...

I would feel really hurt too, and probably do the same you've done so far. Dealing with family can be tough, especially when they're unaware of their dysfunctional behavior. Who knows, and maybe this is too much to hope for, but maybe she'll actually change a bit when she sees the baby? I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to talk to a mom who never asks about you!

The Wife said...

I'm sorry your relationship with your mom isn't that great. That's gotta be really tough to deal with. And B&A need to hand over those clothes! I would say something to them so that they know you're expecting at least the ones that were from your older brother and SIL. Maybe B&A are just thick enough that they hadn't thought you might want the stuff.

Dianne said...

So sorry! SHe spunds exhausting. I think you are doing the right thing by not spending too much time in her universe. You have to be happy for yourself and your future family!

Amy said...

I'm older than you.. my kids are now grown. My mother makes me crazy at times. She goes on about how she's broken because of the abuse/neglect of her childhood - which may be absolutely true - but also 50 years ago..... and sometimes it makes me insane because she has been forgiven for her screw-ups with us... but my grandmother was apparently beyond forgiving for the exact same behavior. She offers to do things, but before the actual doing happens - she backs out because it's "too much"... but everyone else can suck it up.

Here is the best advice you will ever get. Expect NOTHING. As soon as you expect NOTHING from your siblings (hand-me-downs) or your mom (basic common mothering stuff) you will become stronger, more capable, and you will provide something to your kids that is invaluable... self reliance and respect. Rise above, girl... it's your only escape from possible insanity that will result from expecting these people to just do the right thing - which they won't and in 20 years... you'll turn into your mother from all the disappointment and bitterness. RUN!!!