Saturday, January 31, 2009

Renew Your 2009 Membership!

I said at the start of December's cycle I was giving it my all. Well here we are again and I'm sure that I'm trying to give even more this cycle. And when the last cycle didn't work out I was devastated. I'm almost embarrassed to say that since I really haven't been at this for that long. I think it's that I had prepared myself for a lot of outcomes, just not a cyst... and I tried so hard to make myself ovulate and couldn't do it. Add on top of that the holidays, my SIL's pregnancy, and a husband that just doesn't get it and I feel lucky to have made it to 2009.

And back to the present, I have invested a lot in this cycle. If I don't ovulate again, I don't know how upset I will be. All along I've been thinking that if I just ovulate I'll be happy enough with that cycle that I will be able to take the pain of a BFN... just so long as I make progress. Now I'm done convincing myself of that. I want to ovulate AND get pregnant this cycle. Ambitious, I know.

I've billed myself as an infertile, but if my only real infertility is anovulation and if I manage to lay an egg, I really expect to get pregnant very quickly. If I start ovulating and get BFNs, I'll have to think about the fact that ovulation might not be the only barrier or maybe the odds just aren't in my favor.

A part of me feels like I'd be some kind of fraud if I managed a successful pregnancy so quickly... well first, that "if" is a big one, and second, "fraud"--I have this secret fear that you all will hate me if I get a positive... I'd probably hate me a little. I would get kicked out of the Infertile Club. A part of me would feel apologetic for the BFP, like I had lied to you all, "Hey y'all, turns out I'm a Fertile Bitch after all!" I know my fear is kinda silly. I mean, all any of us wants to do is get pregnant and there is no fairness to who gets that precious gift and who is sentenced to another month.... All I know if that every BFP given out in this community is a special and I have no doubt that we all deserve to be given that gift.

But I'm sure you all know the truth already, it doesn't matter that you get pregnant and have a baby, the Infertile Club comes with an automatic lifetime membership.

Off to a shaky start

Since the start of my period, I've had a terrible headache that just wouldn't go away. It didn't seem to be caused by anything (not sinuses or caffeine), the only thing I can think of is the stress from worrying about the cyst. Well, I'm better for now at least.

So last night (Friday night, CD3) I come home and moped around due to my head, lay down with the cat for awhile, force self up to fix dinner. Husband suggest watching movie and since we haven't watched one in a while, I give in. Get done with the movie, get ready for bed, kiss husband good night and yell "OH CRAP."

I freaking forgot to take my clomid. Ok, so it was just after 10, so it's not like I ruined the cycle or something, it's just that I could have kicked myself for not taking it earlier. I'm very type A, especially about the infertility stuff. I've barely been able to think about anything else for the last year and I finally get 150mg of clomid and almost forget to take it! I blamed this on my husband, naturally, since I'm sure I would have remembered if not for the movie.

They tell you to take it at the same time every day. I already had a 8pm alarm programed into my cellphone (I didn't have it enabled yet), but now I will be staying up extra late to take it. I have a strict 9:00pm bedtime so this may induce additional grumpiness.

Different topic: I discovered at least one file is still on the part of my hard drive that is not fixed: My BBT spreadsheet. It's not that I really need my old BBT charts or that I couldn't make a new one, but I'm too uptight to not be upset about loosing part of my records, which isn't even really true cause I do have print outs of all but December (which will probably be depressing to look at again). Maybe I should just let it go.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Something Good This Way Comes

I'll spare you the suspense, THE GFC IS HISTORY!

Thank you all for your well wishes and encouraging words lately!

Now for everything else:

The u/s tech was sick today so Dr. C did my u/s himself. My u/s tech usually has the lights dimmed and just kinda pushes the wand till it finds the right place (slightly uncomfortable, but it spares her having to really look at my privates). Well, Dr. C does not do things that way... he took a good look at the outside of my "hairy monster" and touched the lips a couple of times before putting the wand in. Weird. I can't imagine what was so fascinating and this is the second time he's given me a u/s. I'm very self conscious now (but not sure about what yet).

He was totally toying with me during the u/s... he knew I wanted to see that left ovary, so he starts on the uterus, then he goes to the right ovary and I think he could tell I was getting upset. So he says, "I already took a peak and it's gone." I said back, "I'm going to be very upset if your wrong." Well, he wasn't. There was something that looks like it might be left over from the cyst, but nothing big. ALL CLEAR.

I get dressed and wait for him to come back for the regular appt. I don't know how long it lasted but he talked for a long time and I barely got a chance to ask him my questions. I think the final verdict on the cyst was that it was just altogether weird. He really wanted me to do 100mg clomid again... actually he wanted me to go back to 50mg since I've been on the metformin for 3+ months now and he thinks I might respond at that dose now. I told him I wasn't walking out of there with a 50mg script and he would have to give me the hard sell for 100mg cause I wanted 150mg. So after the triplet talk and such he agreed to 150.

We discussed the gallbladder thing, even though the cyst is no longer in play, he said that if I get it taken out at his hospital he would like to step in and take a look at my reproductive parts when I get it done. So he gave me names of surgeons he works with and I'll work back around to the gallbladder thing towards the end of the cycle (since I'll likely have a new cyst and have to sit out next cycle the way things are looking).

Since were still scratching our heads about my response on the 100mg of clomid he wanted me to come in for monitoring early... well apparently not that early. We decided on next Sat (CD 11) since he'll be doing the scans that morning anyhow.

I am so happy and relieved right now. I smiled all the way home. I am so blissfully happy right now. But then I thought, oh crap, if I'm this happy now, how much is this going to suck when it doesn't work out. Oh well, still grinning like a fool for now.

My motto for this cycle is "Something Good This Way Comes" (Jakob Dylan). I made a sad mix cd in the depths of my misery from the cyst. The other day I forbid myself from listening anymore right now and put together a new more upbeat mix and Mr. Dylan's songs heads the list.

I'm glad my 100th post is good news and not more crap.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I am neurotic

I am abnormally distressed by normal occurrences apparently. My last BCP was on Saturday and from my decade's worth of experience with the pill, I know that my period should come Wednesday.

Sunday I'm fine, but still waiting anxiously.

Monday I'm very closely examining the TP and getting nervous. I have to remind myself that's it's still 2 days off.

Tuesday I'm obsessively going the bathroom every 5 minutes and forcing the TP places it shouldn't go so that I can examine it CSI style for microscopic traces of blood. I contemplate POASing but decide I should wait to use FMU. Remind self again that it's not even suppose to be here till Wednesday.

Wednesday morning, good thing I'm too tired to remember the FMU and POAS thoughts from last night. Examine TP... AF did not come in the night. (However, the Trogdor Comes In The Night!)

Wednesday mid morning, discharges are increasing and I squish my tush around in my chair kinda perversely to make sure that things still "feel right". Drink lots of water so that I need to go to the bathroom often. In the bathroom, do kegels to coax out what ever is there. Is that brownish discharge or just regular off-white discharge? I have wiped a layer of skin off my crotch by now and decide to wait till I have to pee again to check more.

Wednesday early lunch, tempted to shove a tampon up there (and pull it back out) just to confirm that she's on her way. Force self to wait a little longer.

Wednesday a little after noon -THE EAGLE HAS LANDED- Perfectly on schedule. Today is officially CD 1 now. And to put a cherry on top, I had a cramp. Yes, it is on now, bitch (referring to AF here).

Part of the reason I was so nervous is that I made my u/s and RE appt on Monday for Thursday and if my body was ever going to defy me seems like now is the time.

Normally I just schedule a u/s but this time I felt an RE consult was important too. I have a list of questions made. But I'm about a moment away from a panic attack, cause I'm 99% sure that SOB is still there. He should be gone by now! This wasn't suppose to be an issue by now. Still hoping for a good outcome, but I won't be surprised if I don't hear what I want to tomorrow.

If the cyst is still there, I'm going to try to get my gall bladder out next month so at least I won't have to deal that issue just in case we actually do get pregnant.

If the cyst is gone, I have practiced the following phrase for my RE, "I WANT TO OVULATE THIS CYCLE. MAKE IT HAPPEN!" Do you think that is clear enough for a doctor to understand?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dear GFC,

Either put up or shut up!

FU,
Amanda

I can feel it... the little jerk is mocking me (a lot). What an ass.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Little dramas

Nothing really going on right now... just little dramas.

I got my hard drive back... it's a partitioned drive and I don't know if they noticed that or not cause they fixed one partition and not the other and didn't say anything about the second still being broke (is it even possible to have one broke NTFS portion and not the other?). I don't know that I care cause I'm sure I got 98% of what I wanted in the fixed drive... I kept all my program files on the broken drive and all the docs, music, and photos on the other that is fixed. I can't really complain, it only cost me $25.

I was getting ready to go to my acupuncture appt the other day and had shaved my legs and was putting lotion on and realized that I hadn't shaved the tops of my feet or toes in forever and I was freakin big foot down there... As you probably know, when you get a u/s you get to keep your socks on and therefore there is no need to be so formal as to remove the unsightly hair from your feet. However, for my acupuncture appts, I have to pull my pants up to my knees and remove the socks. Seriously embarrassing that not only did someone (other than DH) see my feet in that condition, but he had to touch them also. Gross. I immediately pulled out a dry razor and whacked off the offending hair.

I got to my office hella early this morning to do some important stuff, but also cause we had a book club meeting at 7am and my boss told me he was going to cook oatmeal for the club ahead of time. Since he is no cook I offered to help. He was going to use water to make it... I'm an oatmeal snob and that doesn't fly in my book. So I mentioned my soymilk version and he thought it would be fun to make and not tell people what they were eating (I seriously doubt that any of this group is allergic to soy and have reasons to believe this in case you're worried about my co-workers having a soy allergy).

So I go to the grocery store this weekend and buy soy milk, almonds, more cinnamon, and apple butter for people to mix in. I toasted the almonds last night. Brought it all in and a pot to cook it in. I didn't bring the brown sugar with me cause I figured surely my boss would know to bring that.

My boss gets in 3 minutes before the club... no time to cook. Only brought a small canister of quick oats... no sugar. Nevermind.

He announces we will do it next week. Well guess what, with a little luck, I'll be cycling and won't be able to do the soymilk so I'm taking it home and not bringing it back. I'm not going to waste that stuff on people that probably won't appreciate it when I could just let it sit unopened till I'm ok to drink it again.

Also, I've seen a stray male cat out back of my house a few times. I started feeding it. I'm going to make it a little covered box to sleep in. My husband hasn't realized it yet, but we have another cat. I think I shall call him ALF. I'm going to the store to get more food tonight.

So there's my little dramas for the week. Glad to have little dramas to complain about and nothing big or truly bad.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Now comes the scary part


The last 21 days (not to mention the 20 before that) have been agonizing. The BCPs were alright at first, but as time has gone on, even though the days left were fewer they passed more and more slowly.

Now it's over, but not any better.

It's nearly truth time. Is the cyst still there? Yes or No... or no, it's gone, but a new one grew up on the right ovary (Pills are suppose to prevent that right?). Sometimes I think its gone, but most of the time I'm sure it's still there.

I was apprehensive about my first baseline scan. What if I didn't actually have ovaries, what if I was really a man on the inside? Growing up with PCOS and amenorrhea does weird things to your sense of femininity and womanhood. Even though the u/s was normal for PCOS I just felt relieved that everything was in there.

There was my scan after my first round of clomid showing failure, then the scan the revealed the cyst, then the scan that confirmed it was a cyst and clomid cycle 2 was a complete failure.

Then, when I went last time to see if the GFC was gone, I was optimistic and really thought it was gone. Like much in IF, I think the disappointment was harder to take than the diagnosis.

So other than confirming that I'm not secretly a man, my u/s have all brought bad news so far.

So this time I'm trying not to be optimistic to avoid the let down. But I want that cyst to be gone almost more than anything else in the world right now. All I can do is think about the u/s right now. When the frick will AF get here and when can I get an appointment because I have to know, good or bad, now.

I've even been thinking about what to say to my u/s tech... something like "Please just tell me as soon as you see it, otherwise I might start to get hopeful and when you get to the end and tell me it's still there, it's going to kill me." or "Tell me as soon as you see it so that I can be put out of my misery." or "If you don't say anything to me at all I will just assume the worse and I think that will be easier than having to hear it out loud again."

I just want to be a mother, I wish this cyst would go away so I could at least try.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Who is that handsome fellow?

I was in a hurry to get out the door yesterday morning, was at the kitchen sink and looked out the window when I saw this gorgeous creature.


I took the first picture through my window which has a screen on it, so I wanted to try to get a better picture. So, I stepped out on to the deck to see if I could get him without flying away. I got another one, but it didn't turn out too great. And the owl looked at me, but stayed, so I kinda just walked backwards into the house. I'm happy have got what I got.


I'm not exactly sure what kind of owl it is, but I'm guessing a Barred Owl for now. I've never seen an own so close to my house and I felt really privledge that he chose my tree for his morning rest. I'm trying to look for "signs" of good things to come, and I will take him and the beautiful sunrise we had yesterday morning as positive signs indeed.

In other wild animal sightings, I got more acupuncture on Wednesday and he had me lay on my stomach this time and put a bunch of needles in my back (as well as the normal ones in my legs and ears). I asked him if he was turning me into a porcupine. It was not as relaxing as the other day because I don't like laying on my stomach.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I finished something

This is the post I intended to do yesterday. I've only had one more little "spot" since yesterday so still waiting and seeing.

But as to more important matters, the quilt is still far, far from being done, or even half way done. But I got another project and did it this weekend. I saw a bag kit on the internets the other day and was in love... I think the fabric really did it for me. Unfortunately, the website I ordered it from is out of stock, but it's this the Flea Market Bag and the fabrics are from the Grand Revival in case you were interested. And I even found a review of the pattern here (after I made it of course).



Anyhow, it was quick enough and didn't turn out half bad. Honestly, this is the first thing I have ever made from a pattern ever. And, I'm not ashamed to be seen in public with it.

On the plus side, it was a quick sew too. It took less than a day working on and off.

It's fully reversible, but I like the pink pattern side better than the flowery pattern so I planned for most of my mistakes to be on the flowery fabric on the inside. There is a pocket on the outside and on the inside. I have enough fabric left over that I will probably make a little makeup pouch and a tampon case (cause I ain't preggers and will need some soon).



The pattern had several options and I just made the basic bag, but I think I might try this again soon and make one of the optional bags.

So, at least I got something done on my BCP-TTC break.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Throw another wrench in the gears

So, I was preparing another post for today, which I will finish up later because something weird happened this morning. (Obligatory TMI warning... as if you need to be told)

I was doing my morning business and apparently I am spotting. Not exactly a normal spot (for me) either. It was just a little bloody mucus. And it was red not brown.

I don't spot on the pill (and I have pills till Saturday). So what the heck is this?

Something weird happened the other day too, but I don't want to say anything on it yet until I know for sure. Cause every time I think something good happened, something else bad happens instead (example: I think I ovulated. No, I grew a cyst.)

I was planning on calling the RE's and trying to make a u/s and RE appt. for Thursday next week, but now it looks like things might be moving up, so I will wait and see....

Ha, wait and see! I was already doing that. That's all I ever do! *makes stabbing motion towards uterus*

Sunday, January 18, 2009

anger

I admit, I don't often really forget or put behind me times when I feel I have been betrayed or wronged. I try, but I can't. It's an ugly problem that can consume me from time to time.

I clicked my way back to this video today. I've seen it before, but it's great and really does deserve to be seen again. I think the person that put this together did a great job. It captures the sadness of infertility well. And all the blackness in it reminds me of all the uncertainty you experience going through this.

Then I thought again of my SIL... the tiff we had at Christmas is supposed to be behind us, but I'm not letting go so easily. Luckily I don't have to see her often. I really wish I would have remembered this video when I emailed her. I would have sent her the link. Maybe it would have helped her to understand just a little.

Seeing that video and thinking about the real problems in our lives puts some perspective on all the other crap flying around. It makes it harder to be angry when it seems like there is really only one thing that matters.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Weekend Update

Hey, well, first you may have noticed the new header. (If you're on Google Reader you gotta come over here for real and check it out!) I've been meaning to do something that makes it look more like I actually try with this blog stuff.

I need to organize my blog list side bar and will try to do that later. I've added a bunch of blogs to my reading list. Also, I generally don't list the prego girls, but I do enjoy some pregnancy blogs, so I will have to organize accordingly.

And, I did the acupuncture today. I let my guy know that I have a cyst and was preparing to cycle next month, but not entirely sure that it will happen yet, so if I just stop coming in, don't take it personal.

Today's session was really relaxing. At first I couldn't hear the music playing in the clinic very well, but I kinda floated into a calmer world by the end of the session and it was like I could hear the music really well and almost feel it. Also, it felt like the heat from the heater traveled from my torso out towards my limbs. It was good. I wish he would have left me a little longer.

Last, remember my poor, dead computer? Well, I tried to salvage the hard drive on my own and didn't get anywhere. So, I'm paying the pros to do it for me. Luckily I didn't keep too much embarrassing or top secret info on my computer. I hope they can recover it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Surprisingly Optimistic

I have been all kinds of mad, upset, angry, and sad lately, but today I found myself surprisingly optimistic.

I have been thinking a lot about my next cycle:
-Will even I get to cycle next month?
-Will my clomid dosage be 100mg cause I'm feeling 150mg right now.
-Actually I'm feeling more like femara given the cyst crap but then I'm back at the min dose.
-Actually I'm feeling more like injectables except they're really expensive and multiples scare the crap out of me.

That's the short, simple, clean language, non fiery mad version of my thoughts.

And then there's the acupuncture. I've been talking big about it. Totally gonna do it, except that I need to get started now for next cycle and I don't even know if this GFC is going away at the end of this cycle. And even if it does, will there be a point if I get shifted to the min does of femara. I want to do it, but I don't want to waste the money if I'm not cycling or back at baby doses. (Hey folks, I don't ovulate for crap, give me the big guns or big doses!)

So, today, in a rare moment, I was optimistic enough about next month to call and make the appointment. I've been thinking about it all week and when I jump started the positivity today I decided I'd better make the appointment before the feeling goes away... which was right after I hung up the phone.

I haven't felt the cyst as often lately, and it hasn't been as painful when I do feel it, so I actually started to think the damn thing might go away.

It's cold here, I think I'll light a $50 on fire this weekend to keep warm.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

HIDA Scan '09

HIDA scans are about the most boring diagnostic test on earth... you can take a nap during one. Seriously boring, but that said, let me share the boring-ness with you.

I finally got checked in and left at the little nuclear medicine waiting room. A good looking guy comes in and tells me to drink some orange juice to pump up my veins. Really? Then why do they tell you no food or water... they could tell you it's alright to drink some water before you come.

And just as I was telling them I'd had one of these before, the nurse says she just looked me up and I already had one with an ejection fraction of 12%. Yeah, I know.

Here's the scoop on ejection fractions (to my knowledge). Healthy gallbladders apparently are above 35%, failing is considered less than 30%, and 12% is not so great. If you have a zero or something really low, heaven help you.

However since my surgeon would not take it out last year, I'm back to see if it's as bad as it was 9 months ago. Bottom line, the nuclear medicine staff were shocked that I still had a GB. They don't get repeat visits at 12%.

Lucky me, the good looking guy was doing my test, but my veins still sucked so they had the more "tenured" nurse stick me. They injected me with some radioactive stuff, put me on a bed, put a gamma camera over me and left me there for an hour. The gamma camera takes pics of my gallbladder filling up with radioactive dye.

After an hour, they injected CCK into me to stimulate the gallbladder and the camera takes pics to watch the gallbladder push the radio isotopes in my bile out. Then the software calculates an ejection fraction (I'm guessing it's simply amount bile pushed out over total amount in the gallbladder). Then it gets sent to a radiologist so that they can charge me more money because the report has graced his presence. Then my doctor's office gets the results and calls me. And imagine my surprise when my doctor calls me back before mid afternoon.

HIDA Scan '09 = 13.3%

So, pretty much the same. It appears that it's time for it to go.

To spice things up, I had the hot nuc med guy take pics for me. Isn't he sweet.

Here is the gamma camera all folded up... or lying in wait to pounce on me.


Here is the gamma camera positioned over me sucking the invisible life-force from my upper-right quadrant.


This is my liver. There is a lead bar with holes lying on it to calibrate the machine or something, that's why it looks funny.


My gallbladder is the bright spot in the center filling with radiation. Awesome.


Monday, January 12, 2009

My Planner

I have a little ritual. I like to plan things out and whenever I start a new cycle I make a little mark for CD1. I get kinda day-dreamy. I imagine CD2 or 3 and getting my ultrasound. Then I think about my meds which so far have only been clomid. I draw a little circle with a C in it on days 3 through 7. Then I count to day 14 and I put a little mark there to remind me that day is suppose to be special. Then I count DPOs. I see where 7 through 10 dpo are. Then I imagine making a 12dpo and 14dpo mark... I don’t yet, but I want to know where they are so that I can plan.

I do this over and over again. I recount the days a dozen times. I figure out where 40 weeks from the start of my cycle is. I double check it. Maybe I write that date next to the CD1 mark. Even if someone else looks in my planner, they won't know what it's there for. Only I do.

So the other day I was doing it a little differently. I marked day 21 since I'm on the pill. I put the number 21 in a little circle on Jan 24th. I looked back at this a little while later and thought, that's wrong... then I remember the pills and that's why I have a mark there.

So I imagine when CD1 will come after my pills are done. Which day will I get my u/s? I think to myself "I'll try for Thursday and not Friday since the RE isn’t usually in on Friday." Will I still have a cyst? I pretend it will be gone. I count the days. I get to CD 14 but I keep going because I know it won’t happen on that day. So I go to 15, then 16, 17, 18... Valentine's Day. I don't mark anything. I do not figure 40 weeks from CD1. There is no point.

I always make my marks in pencil so that I can erase them. There are lots of eraser marks in my planner.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Picture Update

If picture is worth a thousand words so you are lucky that I took pictures or it would turn into a really long post.

First, the quilt. Well all the blocks are cut and ready for piecing. I've got the backing basted onto the batting. It's going to be a little narrow since I didn't want to piece together backing so instead I'm cutting down the batting.

Here's my work station. I'm debating putting the blocks at an angle rather than straight across like normal. I think I'm going to keep it normal and try something a little more creative next time I do this. After all, this is meant to be a learning experience.


We are putting away Christmas today and here is a gift we got from DH's uncles. We'll have to get some figurines for it, but it is a really thoughtful gift. It was made from a cedar tree cut down at DH's grandma's house. One of DH's uncles milled the wood and the other one cut the pieces and put it together. I like the knots and holes in it... it has character.


So, DH's family knows I like cats and that's what I get for Christmas. Here we have a pink, cat shaped bottle of riesling, some cat brooches, and a freaky looking stuffed cat. I'm not sure what the fate of these gifts will be yet.


And last but not least, here's Muffy doing her favorite activity... licking water from the floor of the shower. She's got bad kidneys and if it will keep her drinking, we'll turn on the water 20 times a day if we have too. There's a bowl of water right next to the shower, but that isn't good enough for her.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Vicariously Cycling

Um, I'm boring. Nothing here except some self pity and twinges of FREAKING CYST PAIN.

I did think I had some kind of girly infection earlier today, but I think it was a false alarm. Otherwise I'm a lame-O on the pill. I'm so boring. I find myself checking everyone's blogs more obsessively than normal lately. If I have ever left a comment on your blog then I probably checked it at least 5 times today. I'm trying to cycle vicariously through others since I can't do it myself.

I'm working on some stuff. I need time to compose a real post. I found some interesting info on cysts I feel inclined to share, and I've got great post that proves that I should probably be on antidepressants, and I'm somebody's hero and that needs to be properly acknowledged once I get a chance. And I'm doing the crafty thing at home, but the cat demands my attention and I can't say no to that wonderful fuzzball, so I haven't been as productive as I could be.

Oh, and I'm getting HIDA scan 09 on Tuesday. I'll see if I can take some pics to share.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I got to keep my pants on!

Met with the new PCP over the GB situation. Looks like I will be doing HIDA scan '09 whenever the radiology department gets around to calling me to setup the appointment. I kinda hope I fail again or I won't know what to do.

I'm a little embarrassed to be doing it again. The guy that gave me my last HIDA scan knew me through some mutual friends... a real plus when you get a sudden burst of gas from him stimulating your GB. I know that medical professionals are suppose to exercise confidentiality, but I still get a little anxious.

My PCP was in doubt that I could get both surgeries done at once. Yes, I know it will be difficult, but seems like I should try. Besides, my RE is the person who's opinion I really care about. If that cyst goes away it will be moot anyhow.

My PCP wanted to push on my abdomen and I got on the table and asked if I needed to pull my pants down or shirt up or something. No. No need to expose myself. Weird. I feel a little neglected since no one tried to violate me.

I forgot to ask her if colds can be sexually transmitted as DH has one and I don't. DH has used that excuse on me when I've had one, but now the tide has turned and he was D.E.N.I.E.D. last night.

I had more post but somehow it turned into a whole thing about my mother and I don't really want to do that today. Another time.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Nauseous

I feel nauseous all the time lately. No, this is not morning sickness and no, I don't think I have the stomach flu coming on.

TMI warning.

So far this year is turning out to be very similar to last year. Right at the start of January, I started feeling sick all the time. I never threw up, but I just kept feeling sicker and sicker. Then at the end of January I finally made a Drs. appointment. Then about 36 hours before the appointment, I was up all night on the toilet with the worst diarrhea I have ever experienced along with gas, chills and abdominal pain. I believe that I was experiencing a gall bladder attack. A very nasty one at that.

Blood tests were fine. Beta was negative! I had an ultrasound and it didn't show any stones. And it didn't seem to be set off by fatty foods which is common with GB problems. So I gave up, but at Easter I had another attack and it was bad.

Gall bladder attacks really suck. You feel like you want to die for a couple of hours to a day. If I didn't know what it was, I'd have my butt in the ER. But since I think I know it all, I don't feel like going down to the ER during one of these episodes to have diarrhea in a public bathroom when all I want to do is lie in the fetal position with an electric blanket I end up staing at home and then my dr gets pissed at me for not going in.

So after that attack I got a ct scan (normal) and then had an HIDA scan that I failed miserably. I believe that you are suppose to get a 30% to pass and I think I got a 12%. That basically means that my gall bladder sucks. Also, when they stimulated my GB it felt like a mild attack. So my Dr. sent me to a surgeon that "wouldn't pussyfoot around and just get out."

Well, the surgeon doesn't like taking GB's out of 25 year old women. He wanted me to get a more dangerous procedure called a retrograde endoscopic ultrasound with sphincterotomy (which has a high incidence of pancreatitis regardless of age and other complications). He doesn't take much stock in HIDA scan results. He did agree to give me another u/s since his machine was better than the previous one I used and it again showed nothing. But it's not uncommon for the u/s to look fine and the sac come out filled with stones according to my dr.

At my wit's end I asked if I could see a gastroenterologist and got booked for a regular endoscopic ultrasound (where I got to have the most fun HPT that I ever took). That too showed nothing. And when I met with the guy (who is an old fart that should retire) he told me that it can't be my GB because the pain is where my GB is actually located... if it were my GB it should be in the middle of my abdomen (your GB is on your right side near the bottom of your ribs). He told me to take Prevacid for a few months even though I told him I didn't have any acid problems, and he made me cry. I wouldn't have taken them except he did give me some sample pills.

He assured me that Prevacid had no side effects. Bull shit. I was much more tired shortly after I started taking them, and after week or two in, me and DH noticed pink stains on my toilet bowl (but not DH's toilet in the other bathroom). This was because I was crapping out iron. And it was causing me to be anemic. I was probably crapping out calcium too since prevacid lowers the amount of acid in your stomach and makes it harder to absorb ph dependant minerals.

So I didn't go back to that guy again and quit the prevacid. My PCP was baffled since this was a no brainer in his opinion. The only thing keeping me from finding another surgeon and demanding it get taken out was that some people experience permanent, nearly constant diarrhea after having their GBs removed. Not glamorous.

In addition to all of this me and DH were doing the TTC thing I was worried if I did get pregnant (haha) that it would pose a bigger problem since lots of pregnant women have GB problems.

But really I stopped having pain and nausea and attack the end of summer, so I kinda ignored it. But now, I think I'm headed towards another attack. Joy.

I have a new PCP (there's a whole nother story) and I made an appointment to see her tomorrow. This son of a bitch is coming out. I'm not doing this anymore. I'll take my chances with the diarrhea.

Which gets me thinking, what if they have to go in and remove this cysts? That's a laproscopic surgery... so is GB removal. What if I could have them done at the same time?! I'm not sure how we would work it out, but it could be done.

Now I'm wondering how long does this cyst have to stay on me before they go in and get it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

On the pill again

Things look like normal. There is a little purple, vinyl sleeve of pills sitting on my alarm clock, trying to get me to remember to take them again.

I was kinda pissed when I went to pick them up from the pharmacy (Pharmacy A). There was some other pill than I was expecting in the bag... I can't remember the name, but they were the generic of Yasmin. I remember hearing that they were going to start producing a generic in 2008, but I was pretty well done with the pill at that time and didn't think about it again.

Well, there they were. I requested that they give me the brand name since the price difference between the two was only $8. Silly me, I thought a generic of a BCP was actually suppose to be cheaper. Were talking $59 for Yasmin and $51 for generic. No thanks. Now if it were like half price or something then I would try it.

Today, I'm starting a new project. I'm feeling crafty. I've got my new sewing machine and I spend half of my Saturdays watching Fons and Porter and those other PBS quilting shows. So, I've decided to try my first quilt. Just plain blocks, nothing fancy. The colors will be pink, brown, and oranges. Yes, it does sound tacky doesn't it. It will be awesome.

It was just going to be a little sample project for fun... something cat sized. Now it's full baby quilt sized. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I'll post pics of whatever comes out, no matter how bad.

I've also lined up a couple other crafty projects, but more on those later. I have a feeling that I will be much more productive since I'm not TTC for another 21 days (hopefully that's all).

Friday, January 2, 2009

Wrong again

I was staring at the ceiling during the u/s. I asked her if it was gone. She didn't answer immediately. I looked at her. She frowned and said no. I cried. She patted my leg trying to comfort me, I wish it would have helped.

I tried to wait around for the RE to talk with me, but I had to leave for my hair appointment and I didn't figure he would have anything that really mattered to say to me anyhow. My nurse was suppose to call in some BCPs for me. I already picked up my metformin refill and the BCP's weren't called in yet. I will have to go back into town tomorrow to get them I guess.

I canceled my acupuncture session. I didn't see the purpose. My acupuncture guy called me later. Optimistically, we will probably go ahead and try to start again in about 2 weeks... theoretically about two weeks before my next cycle.

I feel silly crying and getting so upset over this cyst. It's not like I've had a miscarriage or something truly terrible, but at the same time it is complete failure when you don't ovulate ever and it's very, very upsetting.

A small part of me is actually looking forward to taking BCPs again. For the next three weeks I will get to be old Amanda. Normal Amanda. Amanda that's not constantly sad or freaked out about infertility. This Amanda sucks and I kinda miss old Amanda. Of course, something tells me that I will never really get to be old Amanda again.

I had to go to the store. I was walking past the liquor aisle. I stopped went back and picked up a big bottle of margaritas. I haven't had one in forever. Seems appropriate right now.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year, New Cycle

AF just arrived and right on time. Happy 2009, Good Clomid Cycle #3.

Also, I'm feeling good about the status of the GFC. It gave me quite a bit of pain yesterday... once while standing next to my boss in front of the copier. I did a little move and he thought I was upset at the copier. Then later last night, I was laying on my left side on the couch, asleep watching a dumb movie and I was woken up by stabbing pains on my left ovary. Once I shifted on my back (and the dumb movie ended) I was better.

I have a full day planned for tomorrow. I left a voice mail at the RE's clinic to get a scan. I hope we can schedule that about 10am or so cause I have a hair appointment (with my pregnant stylist) at 11:00 and then I get my eyelashes tinted. Then lunch... then maybe some time killing shopping. Then acupuncture for infertility at 1:30! Starting it up... I'll really have to work hard to get multiple sessions per week, but I'm committed.

Later today I will be tossing out what's left of my beloved soymilk since I will be trying to go soy free again until ovulation (or confirmed failure).

FYI, according to my nurse the other day, we (I don't know why I think that should be plural and not simply 'I') will be doing 100mg clomid again... I think I will check trying 150mg. I really doubt that I will get anywhere on that since I got a cyst and more clomid might only make that situation worse and we can't know that if I didn't have the cyst, would I have ovulated on 100mg or not. But I will ask.

I'm also going to ask about doing some blood work. It doesn't seem terribly important at this point, but I really need to have my kidney functions tested anyhow since I never did that after starting the metformin. I think if it were affecting me by now I'd know it, but better safe than on dialysis.

Here's hoping the third time's the charm. *Rubs three leafed shamrock tattoo for luck and crosses self*