Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm stressed

I'm doing my best not to be, but I can feel it, I'm completely stressed. And knowing that I'm stressed stresses me more. Don't you just love that feeling?

The RE nurse called yesterday, I've got my mid cycle u/s and HSG scheduled for 4/6 (CD11). Coincidentally that's my 6 month anniversary with the RE. Do you think he'll remember and bring me something nice? Is there some kind of conversion for time spent cycling with the RE vs. time TTC at home... so 6mo feels like 9mo or something... I think it does.

I asked the nurse if my mid cycle didn't show any activity did he ever do anything like add follistim or more clomid or something to save the cycle. She said no, he's never done anything like that and there probably isn't any validity to doing that. I'm sure I've read blogs where RE's did that... whatev.

But this stresses me out more cause now I really wanted to be able to take full advantage of this cycle with the HSG and all, and I'm a little scared that I might not get to.

I actually think I've felt some *twinges* that might be significant on my left ovary, but I will need more clear signs before I am comforted by those.

You know what else stresses me out? The thought of my husband giving me my trigger.

I feel like I need to sit down with my boss again and explain that I will be taking off for the HSG and won't be sure that I will be able to make it back to work that day and then later that week (fingers crossed) I'll need to take off part of a day again (for the IUI) but I have no idea when. I'm so unreliable. More stress.

So I really need to find a way to de-stress quickly. I plan on watching dumb TV and walking on the treadmill tonight... if only I didn't have to cook dinner and clean the house too.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Whoops!

This is a story from last Friday (CD 1 as you might recall).

So I just got to work and was going to put my lunch in the fridge and the secretary was back there and says to me in an oh so sweet, I want attention voice, "I just got a new niece last night!" (FYI, she is 1 of 14 kids in her family so she already has like 30 nieces and nephews.)

So I replied with out thinking, in an EXTREMELY sarcastic tone, "Oh, goody."

Whoops, I wasn't suppose to let the bitter randomly leak out like that.

So then I immediately apologized and said that I was just bitter and walked back to my office while she grumbled something as I left.

I've got to start watching myself, or embrace the bitter bitch inside of me.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Repeating history

Nothing like getting up at 5:30am on a Saturday to go to the RE's.

Prior to my wanding, I got a guided tour of my surgery pics. Thrilling.

Everything was quiet at the wanding and we're on for another cycle.

Something funny has happened, my RE appointments used to be a lot 'simpler' because I didn't have any history. Now, all of a sudden, I've got history and he get's it wrong when we are talking and I have to keep reminding him that of it and correcting him. In my RE's defense, I was just there for a u/s, it wasn't a real appt. so I'll cut him some slack for not being up on the detailed history of my vagina.

So after going over what worked and what didn't work, I'm back at 100mg clomid. He started talking about maybe doing an IUI in the future and I stopped him there. I WANT AN HSG AND IUI NOW! Wish granted. It's in the works.

I do see a little of history repeating itself. I'm on 100mg of clomid and getting my mid cycle u/s before the HSG... just like I did when I had the cyst! Ok, I don't really think that I'll have to worry about a cyst this time, but if it does happen, I think I really might go off the deep end.

Friday, March 27, 2009

CD 1

It was a nice fantasy thinking that last cycle might have worked, but it's over now.

So hopefully I'll be able to get in for a u/s on Saturday. Then we can plan my HSG and IUI and all that jazz.

I'm glad I didn't test.

-----

The best thing about yesterday is that my team is in the Elite Eight now!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Not feeling so lucky now

No surprise pregnancy tests at the PCP's today, and I'm worried that my luck has run out.

Last cycle I observed a lot of sticky-slightly yellow CM leading up to AF. I saw some of that several days ago, but nothing recently, and really hadn't had any CM at all for several days... until now.

I just had a fair amount of slightly brownish CM. That doesn't sound good, or look good, or anything good. It's just bad. My lower back also hurts. I'm a little crampy all of a sudden. So maybe AF is lurking just around the corner only moments away.

I made it 16 days last cycle, but that was a medicated cycle and I was a bit higher on my 7dpo P4 last cycle too, so it wouldn't surprise me if my LP was cut a little short this cycle. And let's not forget the surgery, that could have changed things around too.

Now I want to test just to know that it's negative and stop worrying about it. I wasn't expecting to feel that way, but I do.

On the bright side, if AF starts soon, I can get my Baseline on Saturday. Woohoo.

13 DPO

Wouldn't it be cool to test positive at 13 DPO with an O date of 3/13? Yeah, but only if it was positive. If it was negative I would have just done what I was trying to save myself from this cycle.

Ok my bloggy friends, do I have a symptom for you today or what! My left nipple looks like a bull's eye. Yes that's right, concentric red and white circles. Anyone ever heard of that before? I would take a picture of it for you all, but because it's my nipple that doesn't seem like a good idea.

It appears that my nipples have darkened but not my areolas and instead, they actually appear lighter right around the nipple but normal color outside of that. It's very pronounced on my left nipple and somewhat on my right. I made my husband check to make sure it wasn't all in my head.

I consider this the second weirdest thing I've ever seen my body do. For the record, the first would be bruises on my tongue, turns out that's a symptom of mono.

I also think my sense of smell picked up this morning, but that could easily be a mental thing, so it doesn't count.

I'm actually going to see my PCP today cause I've had a sore throat since my surgery. I'm thinking it's a combo of the intubation and allergies, but I want get a strep test and rule that out. You should never ignore strep. My mom had a strep infection that somehow got into one of her lungs a couple of years ago and almost killed her. She suffered for months till they figured out what it was, then a cardiac surgeon had to crack her open and scrap out her lung and she had to spend a week in the ICU. Not fun for anyone. Never ignore strep.

I have some secret fantasy that my PCP will force me to take a pregnancy test and then I wouldn't be breaking my rule;) but I don't think that's likely to happen. I do feel that their is one symptom that I would break my 'no testing till 17dpo' rule for: Vomit. That's right, if I start to puke (cause, Amanda does NOT puke) I will be testing. I think it's a little weird to experience morning sickness before 6 weeks, but if it happens, I will know why.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Getting closer to the deep end...

... of crazy.

It's 12dpo and I'm searching for a reason to break my word and test. So far I haven't come up with anything that doesn't involve me getting a prescription for something teratogenic or bungee jumping.

And feeding the crazy are those little pains and tingles that you never notice till you start obsessing in the 2WW.

Let's start with the boobs. They hurt, then they didn't much, then they couldn't decide if they do or not. Then yesterday, Lefty decided that she hurt with a deep and sharp pain. Not only that, but she decided to get noticeably larger than her sister. WTF? Meanwhile, Righty doesn't really even hurt much when she is firmly pressed and has no interest 'personal growth'. I'm slightly lopsided... it goes with the crazy.

In the southern hemisphere, I've had some interesting feelings. Since I O'd, I've regularly been able to feel some irritation I associate with my corpus luteum, but since yesterday, I've felt some other stabby pain in the general area of my left ovary. Perhaps it's new, or my CL has changed and the feeling is different now.

And again yesterday, I felt a 'fullness' or maybe bloating or gas... I don't know, but I feel like I've had this feeling before, but I just can't remember when or why and it definitely hasn't been recently. Since I have never been pregnant, I don't know that this is a symptom, but it is interesting.

And another thing about yesterday, I'd been seeing a fair amount of CM, but not yesterday, no, it pretty much all went away yesterday. Maybe it will come back today or tomorrow... who knows.

Apparently yesterday was an exciting day for my body. It was so exciting, I decided buy it a treat: a big multi-pack of tampons!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Satisfying my tummy

I want to move on from yesterday so that I can hopefully stop thinking about that.

Last night I removed all my steri-strips. Actually, I had already removed one just a couple days after surgery... it just wasn't doing it's job. I didn't want to remove it, but I just didn't see how it was doing any good the way it was on me.

Most of my little wounds look really good. I had four incisions made. I can't see the one in my belly button at all. Then there are three other on my stomach and two of those look really good. The one were the steri-strip came off almost immediately looks the worst.

I've been putting bandaids over the 'bad' incision for several days and I had to quit yesterday cause the bandaids were really irritating my skin... turns out they were irritating it so much that some of my delicate belly skin actually was ripped off. Ouch.

I cleaned all the adhesive residue off with baby oil and my tummy skin was relieved to be moisturized by it. It's nice not to have black-sticky junk all over myself again.

And the food thing is going better. I haven't really been able to figure out what the trigger is for having a bad digestive experience... it's not simply fat. Turns out I can actually eat a fair amount of fat just fine. Yesterday, after my splits incident, I kinda said F-it and decided to eat my delicious Fage with strawberry yogurt. That was 12g of fat just fine. However, the other day I at a single slice of bread with no sugar added strawberry preserve (0.5g of fat) and suffered for it. It does not make sense.

I think I'm safer with foods that are more fiberous and have a better texture to them... less processed foods in general. I'm still experimenting. I can't wait till I get to enjoy some 'luxuries' again... pizza, tater tots, Taco Bell. Yes, I crave junk food.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I just did the splits

I am so angry with some stupid, careless ass at my office.

I finished a banana and went to throw the peel away. On my way down the hall, some water I didn't see on the floor forced my legs apart and shoved my knee into the linoleum.

It hurt and I was pissed. Rightfully pissed. I'm a woman, I don't wear athletic shoes to work, a tiny drop of water (on a dry day) can cause some serious damage.

But then I got really sad... what if it did work this month and I just screwed it up? You know that fear, that a stumble or fall might have jarred an embryo loose? Maybe an irrational fear, maybe not. You'll never know for sure, but it makes you sad.

I guess should have been more careful.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I broke my rule

I decided a while ago to not do things prone to upset me. No chat boards. No reading blogs by people that upset me. Avoid contact with people that piss me off.

I've been trying to 'relax' and avoiding things that could potentially drive me nuts is the best thing I feel like I can do. It's worked well for me lately.

What did I do yesterday? I decided to look up BIL and SIL's baby registry. I didn't know how much it would upset me, but I knew it would, and did it anyhow. I felt that nasty change in blood pressure and heart rate speed up. I clicked away after a couple minutes. I really didn't know it would affect me that much.

Why does it affect me that much? Cause I am so bitter, angry, resentful, and pissed off, that's why. I don't know how to change that. I can try, but I don't see it happening.

Now that I know how much it upset me to just look at a registry for a kid that won't be born for another 4 months, I have no idea how I will be able to actually handle seeing SIL and her big pregnant belly in person again.

Just being angry is one thing, I actually like to be angry. It feels good sometimes, but what I felt when I looked at her registry was more of a panic attack and has physical effects on me. I just feel like I'm dooming a cycle when I get all flustered and stressed out like that. How can I be around someone that makes me feel like I'm actually hurting myself to be in their presence?

I'm sure her sister or one of the cousins or a coworker are planning her a shower... probably multiple showers cause that's how I know it will be (they had 3 or 4 wedding showers). I don't want to go. How do you bow out of your SIL's baby shower? I'm married to her husband's only sibling, so I think my presence if pretty much expected.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

It wasn't all in my head

I was a little extra baffled at my clinic yesterday. I knew the nurse that I have pretty much exclusively communicated with lately and sent in my blood work order was going to be off so I wanted to call in just to let the other nurse know that my blood work should be coming in about 1:30 or 2 and if she could please call me and let me know the results before the end of the day.

So I call to leave that message with the receptionist that morning and no one answers. I figure she's just busy and I'll call back again later. I ended up calling about 4 times that morning from 8:30 to 11:00 and finally gave up and left a voice mail. Either the clinic was crazy all morning and no one could get to the phones (which is what they always tell me, but when ever I show up it always seems like I'm the only one in the waiting room) or maybe they were closed for some reason.

And I expected them to be out of there by 2:00 on Fridays anyhow. So when 3:30 had rolled around, I thought I'd call them on a whim, just so that I knew they were gone and I could stop worrying about it for the rest of the day.

Well what do you know, someone answered the phone, and the nurse was right there and took my call immediately, and she had already called the lab to see where the blood work was but they told her it wouldn't be done till about 4 and she would call them back then.

Wow. Sometimes my clinic surprises me, not only were they there and planning on staying the whole day, but they were on top of it. Not exactly perfect, but good enough.

So a lot of good getting your blood work processed 'STAT' does. By the way, I saw the STAT checked and highlighted on the paperwork sent with my sample, so I know it should have been handled correctly.

And about 4:30 I got the call, 13.1!!! I freakin did do it. All those symptoms weren't in my head. And 13.1 isn't bad for a nonmedicated cycle from what I understand so I'm pretty happy with that.

I said I wasn't going to test, and I mostly meant it. I promise not to test till AF should have shown on her own. I'm not really expecting something out of this cycle anyhow and there's no sense in wasting pee sticks on it. My LP last cycle was actually a full 16 days (I know, WOW), so that means I'm not testing till 17 days or 3/30.

I may not be expecting much out of this cycle, but I'm still pretty pleased with myself. Ovulating on CD 16, that's the closest thing to normal my reproductive system has ever done. Was it from being on clomid last cycle, metformin, acupuncture, something else? I guess we'll never know, but I'm happy with it. The one thing I know for certain is that my RE will try to back my clomid dosage down next cycle now, but maybe I won't be so resistive to it this time.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm afraid to eat

Dude, TMI, really, click away now. I can't help myself.

Well, I just had the most disturbing bathroom experience I've had since last week.

I just got my gall bladder out and therefore I expect a certain amount of diarrhea, especially if I eat something fattening. But this is ridiculous.

I just about didn't eat anything yesterday since I felt so bad from over doing it the night before. Really, for the entire day all I ate was 2 bowls of cheerios and 2 pieces of toast. And this morning I didn't eat anything till just a couple of minutes ago. I was fasting for my P4 (I hear that helps) and then I was afraid to eat. But hunger got the best of me and I ate a cheese sandwich- 2 pieces of bread and 2 pieces of cheese. I ate the same sandwich just fine a few days ago (post surgery). But today, I had to run to the bathroom not 15 minutes later.

Ok, what do I see in the toilet (that I wasn't expecting)? My metformin. That's right, still intact, tossed out of my body like garbage.

So, now I'm really afraid to eat cause I'll either crap it out in record time or it will spike my insulin cause my beloved metformin was not properly absorbed.

Maybe it would be alright to take another met, but over doing the met can have some pretty serious consequences, I think I will hold off.

Ok, but I am officially terrified to eat. I've got some fat free yogurt that I may attempt this afternoon. This sucks.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

7 dpamaamvsomlo

Hopefully I will know whether I ovulated or not today. Of course, I conveniently just remembered that today is a Friday and my clinic shuts down by 2:00pm on Fridays, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised, despite my best efforts, when no one calls me today. The nurse that called in my P4 will be in on Saturday, so hopefully she will call me then.

My boobs were hurting but stopped yesterday. That is a discouraging sign.

My boobs hurt--Boobs lie. I had a thermal shift--I also just had surgery, who knows how my body could react to that. There was a vascularized spot on my left ovary--Who knows, it could be significant, or not.

I hope I did O. I've even gotten my hopes up a little, but I'm pretty scared that it was all in my head and there was nothing to get excited about after all.

It will be really hard to get bad news. I hate bad news. That's all this IF is, waiting for bad news, picking up the pieces and starting again.

I didn't make it

I was so dang tired I got my 'have to get it done today' work done and was out the door by 9:30. I've been sleeping for the last five hours and I finally feel decent again.

At first I thought about trying to fight it and stay at work all day, but I knew I wouldn't get anything done if I did that. And then I worried that I might be so tired that if I didn't get some rest now, that I would end up seriously sick tomorrow or this weekend. I've learned my lesson on that one and decided to cut my losses and come home.

Muffy is such a reliable sleep partner. I honestly don't think that cat is awake more than 2 or 3 hours a day... poor old baby.

But, now I'm awake and figure I should stay awake for awhile so that I can get to sleep tonight. I've got a Netflix movie that DH probably won't mind me watching alone.

It caught up with me

I'm not feeling so hot this morning. And I'm incredibly tired.

Part of the problem is what we had for dinner last night--too much too soon. Not wise. Paying for it now.

And I am still waking up at night and having trouble getting to sleep.

And I'm sure the healing is taxing me as well.

So I felt really dehydrated this morning. It was all I could do to drag myself to work. But first I had to go to the grocery store to get some Gatorade... Schlepping myself through a store only to walk out with as much Gatorade as I could carry reminds me of another dark period in my history: mono. That was really rough, thank God this isn't that bad.

Well, I've got a fair amount of 'G' in me now and am starting to feel slightly human again. I have some stuff I have to get done this morning, and I'm seriously considering going home to sleep this afternoon if I haven't snapped out of this.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

P4, Take 2 scheduled

Well, the order is in for my 7 dpamaamvsomlo (that's 'days past alleged-mittelschmerz-and-a-mysterious-vascularized-spot-on-my-left-ovary', aka Friday) progesterone draw. Bonus: the nurse is going to send it in marked STAT so that hopefully I will get results back before the weekend.

Now I just have to make sure that someone will call me and tell me the results. I hate harassing my clinic for test results. I called for my P4 from last cycle and the nurse was like, "Oh, you wanted to know?" Doesn't everybody? I guess not.

I've been trying to remind myself that it would not be the end of the world to have to wait till Monday to hear the results... except that I would really prefer to get started on my next cycle soon and get going on that prometrium. Not the end of the world, but annoying.

Speaking of my next cycle... so I've been googling... I know, I'm just asking for it when I do that, but I've found some forums where women have complained that their cycles went way off after getting their gallbladders removed. It makes sense that surgery would cause (additional) problems with my cycle. Definitely shouldn't have googled that, now just one more thing to worry about. Of course, that's what drugs are for, right? Google needs to have some kind of lock out feature that prevents medical searches for those that just can't help themselves.

Get this, I'm down more than 5 lbs since my surgery... most of that is, ahem, "water" weight. That's hilarious to me.

-----

It's been 2 days since my last BBT. It still tempts me. I woke up on my own at 3:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for an hour. This is a tough addiction.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Intervention

I came home last night and opened up my charting spreadsheet to enter my P4 of 1.7 from Dr. C. Then I had some fun with my chart. I overlayed it for the first time with last month. They are weirdly similar. Then, for the heck of it, I entered dummy values to visualize what my completed chart at the end of this cycle would look like...

Hold on, I'm obsessing, big time... and I don't even know for sure that I ovulated.

My main reasoning to keep up the BBT last month was that I had never seen what my LP charts like. Well I don't have that excuse anymore.

And as I was charting my LP last cycle I found myself getting more excited and more drawn in by every little dip and rise. Getting excited about things that meant nothing. I had a really great looking chart. It meant absolutely nothing. I don't need to do that again.

I do need to get a good night's sleep. So last night, the thermometer went back in the case and was put away.

I either O'd or I didn't. We either got the sex right or we didn't. It's out of my hands. We didn't really expect anything to happen this cycle anyhow, so I refuse to drive myself silly to get a mostly meaningless number right now.

By the way, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Did you know St. Patrick is the Patron Saint of Engineers? He is and I'm a big old St. Paddy Lovin Engineer!

Monday, March 16, 2009

That was interesting

Well, Dr. C called me. He let me know again that my reproductive system looked great but...

He doesn't think I ovulated based on my P4. I think he said it was 1.7. I asked if it was possible that it had just happened so recently that maybe my CL hadn't developed enough yet (the P4 was drawn about 8 hours after my alleged mittelschmerz)? Yes, possible, but he think it might have been a little early and I hadn't O'd yet or it was possibly a cyst. Damn cysts.

So, I will enthusiastically submit to another stabbing on Friday or whenever to solve the mystery.

I personally think I did ovulate... I can feel something on my left ovary (and it feels similar to the CL from last cycle on my right ovary), my boobs are sore and that is a strong sign of progesterone to me... unless some drug they gave me caused it (and is still causing it). Actually, on the sore boobs point, they didn't turn sore till 9dpo last cycle and were quite sore at 1 dp'o' this cycle... I have no idea if that is significant or not. Oh, and I had a solid thermal shift on my BBT chart... it's actually higher at this point in the cycle than it was last cycle.

But he could be right that we missed the timing a little and it wasn't early Friday morn which would put our timed intercourse even further off schedule. Oh well, really nothing I could do about that. We tried our best.

We talked about the bleeding which has pretty much stopped by now and he wasn't very concerned about it.

And one other thing... I mentioned the other day that I have no dignity left since they catheterized me (not that I had much to lose at that point), well he shed some light into that subject. My bladder was apparently terribly distended, they drained like 700ml out of me (that's nearly a liter, and trust me, I couldn't have squeezed a drop out of it before surgery, giving my HCG sample was hard enough).

But it all makes sense now... I did something to my bladder (not sure what of course) a while back to set it off and I should have known something was up cause back on Feb 11 at my last u/s the tech had mentioned my bladder was still pretty full despite the fact that I had gone potty not that long before the wanding. Since about then, I go often, but not much and it had been concerning me somewhat. I was honestly worried that my kidneys were screwed up. I had even hinted at some problems in a couple of posts. Well, I guess since I stretched it out so bad, it would go back to normal size, so the draining the other day 'reset' things and you will all be happy to know that I am taking nice long, full pees now. Things seem right again and the change I noticed after surgery wasn't in my head.

Ok, so that was most of my conversation with Dr. C. I held it together and didn't get mushy (hearing you didn't O when you thought you did will harden you fast).

But I consider this another victory for the surgery. Let's review all the wonderful benefits of the surgery
-Got rid of that good for nothin' gallbladder
-Made sure the old reproductive organs are up to par
-Got some sweet narcotics to hang on to for when I get my HSG done (screw advil, I got vicoFREAKINdin).
-Fixed Amanda's apparently broken bladder
-Got a chance to appreciate all the wonderful people in my life
-Finally used some of those ginormous overnight pads I keep around for no reason
-Day off work
-Got out of doing the litter box this week (priceless)

Touched

Really I am.

I just feel so loved lately. I've gotten so many nice comments from you all lately. I really do appreciate them. And I have such a great "staff" trying to get me pregnant (Dr. C, my acupuncturist, his wife, and others). Ok, so I pay most of them for their services, but that doesn't mean that they have to be so nice.

I just feel kinda emotional today. I mean really, what Dr. C did the other day, he didn't have to do that, not any of it, and he did. How will I ever let him know how much I appreciated that?

And I really want to call my acupuncturist's office and let them know I did alright and even ovulated which I know they will appreciate knowing, but it feels kinda silly to call them just to tell them that. Sometimes it's good to be silly.

And I had lots of nice nurses the other day. Sure, I'm not so fond of evil floor nurse, but when I was getting ready in the morning and couldn't produce a sample for my HCG test the nurse was really nice about it. After I finally managed a sample, I asked her later if it was negative and she said all the nurses were hoping it wouldn't be, but of course it was. That was nice of them. And the nice recovery room nurse. I was so out of it I don't even remember seeing her face, but she cleaned me up and gave me meds and had a little conversation with me. It's just one of those funny things I keep thinking about.

I feel bad for the little med asst. that did my vitals on the floor. She really didn't know what she was doing, but I don't think it was her fault and something tells me evil floor nurse probably got on to her after I left. She didn't deserve that.

Even my surgeon, she didn't have to let me get the looksy done. I'm sure it put her a little behind for the morning, but she never gave one problem with it and helped to pull it together.

I'm still waiting for Dr. C to call me, but I'm now worried that I might turn into a pile of mush when he does call me. I just can't get over how happy I am to have such good and caring doctors and other people in my life. If not for infertility, I probably wouldn't know how wonderful these people can be.

I'm blessed.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Healing and the most depressing 2WW ever

Today has been pretty good so far. Other than waking up a couple of times this morning to take the BBT, go to the bathroom, feed the cat, and swallow metformin, I slept in till almost 11am. And kudos to me, I went to bed without any vico.din last night and I think I might be done with it for good now too. I just had a conversation with my acupuncturist the other day about how vico.din can be surprisingly addictive, I'm not really worried about it in general, but if I kept using it to get to sleep I think I could find myself in trouble real quick.

I think I will probably go to work tomorrow. I feel pretty good. I can lay on my left AND right sides now (my right side hurt too much yesterday). And I can go from a sitting to standing position pretty comfortably. For surgery, it really hasn't been that bad. I do kinda look like a prego chick when I go to stand up or sit down. Got to take it easy for a while still.

One guy I work with was telling me how a girl about my age from his old office took 4 weeks off after her gallbladder removal and he insists it was laparascopic like mine. But I think there must have been something very different about her case.

I was still bleeding a little this morning. This has been so gross. I have never seen this much blood down there ever, by a multiple of 10. It totally grosses me out. I keep looking at it and wishing I hadn't, but it keeps coming. I seem to find it deeply upsetting for some reason. My solace is that my bleeding isn't from some sort of traumatic event, because if it was, I really think I'd be a crying mess seeing all that blood. It seems to be tapering off now and mostly brown now too. It still sickens me to look at it.

And apparently I am in the 2WW, I think. My boobs officially became sore yesterday (and surprisingly, vico.din does nothing for them). I am not excited about the 2WW at all this cycle. I could really care less. I'm just glad I won't have to take prometrium, that will save me $40. Last cycle's 2WW was sort of a novelty to me. I had never really been in the 2WW before and I was as excited as a Freshman at the Senior prom. But now that I've gone through puberty and grown up a little, I am not as impressed. I'm honestly thinking I might not even test this time. I just don't want to get my hopes up. In addition to the normal stuff going against me getting pregnant, there is even more against it this cycle, not the least of which is all the freakin blood coming from my crotch.

Honestly, this 2WW is very depressing. I find it very hard to process the fact that somehow my body managed to ovulate more or less on time but I'm not sure we timed our intercourse well enough (you know, with the surgery and all). And the thought that my uterus may have been traumatized so much that implantation is doomed or that my endometrium is damaged. Yeah, not stuff I want to think about or get my hopes up over right now. But for what it's worth, I'm here.

However, I reserve the right to hope after I talk to Dr. C. I know things might all change once I might have a better understanding of all this bleeding and why it looks the way it does and some other details that I have been wondering about.

Also, the evil floor nurse from the other day apparently was told by Dr. C. that he would see me in a week. Well, no one has mentioned to me a follow up appt or anything, so I am wondering if I am suppose to schedule one or something. I guess if I haven't heard from Dr. C by the end of the day Tuesday, I will call the clinic and see if I'm suppose to make an appointment.

Now I wait for something else to happen.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Amanda Hits the Floor

Well, still doing ok, but some things turned out differently than I had planned yesterday.

By the way, this is a long post and more for my records than anything. Summary: I was pissed at the hospital staff, hungry, and drugs are good.

Well, first, I'm pretty sure that Dr. C scrubbed in... I remember seeing him in surgical scrubs before before the surgery (but I was on some 'relaxing' meds by then, so it took me awhile to remember that). I really do like my RE. Unlike some drs. I always feel better when I get some time with him, so I really appreciated what he did for me yesterday.

Like I said, I had some pretty strong pain on my left side when I woke up Friday morning and I thought it might have been mittelschmerz, but couldn't be sure. I got a peak at the pictures they took of my ovaries/uterus and saw the spot on my left ovary that made it look like I did ovulate (so at least I guessed the correct side). Also, the spot was a little 'bloody looking spot'... not like the pictures I have seen of corpus luteums, however, if I'm right about my O pains, it couldn't have been much longer than 4 hours since I O'd when they took the picture so it wouldn't be very mature yet anyhow, so I'm guessing that's what a very young CL looks like. They had to send out my P4 blood work, so I probably won't know about that till Monday and I don't expect it to be very high.

Even though laparascopic gallbladder removal is an outpatient procedure, they send you to the 'floor' after recovering (instead of back to outpatient). I had a nice, private room. But I was very upset about a few things.

I did not feel that I was very well taken care of. It was a good thing that I was doing so well, cause I had to fend for myself on the floor. First, they kept me there for more than 5 hours. I was told I should only be there for 3-4 hours so when I felt fine and was up walking around for a few hours cause the bed is killing my back and they wouldn't discharge me or even bring me some freaking tylenol I was pissed.

So my back hurt and I was thirsty and finally someone brings me a liquids menu... hello folks, I'd been dying for while by then, and then I had to wait from them to bring me some juice and a popsicle. Well, I scarfed that down and was still SO hungry. So after another 2 hours of dying of hunger and back pain, I can have some cream of wheat. So I scarfed that down and am still REALLY, REALLY hungry. But what can I do? I was at the mercy of staff that didn't have the time for me.

Oh yeah, and was bleeding a lot out of the va-jay-jay. The OR nurses left me in a bloody mess without any kind of pad beneath me, so the nice recovery room nurse cleaned me off and put a pad under me. Well, I bled on to it too, so I'm awake, hungry, and lying in my blood. Finally (about 4 hours after getting on the floor), a hospitality person come to check on me and complained that I was dying of hunger, hurting, in a pool of blood, and wanted out since I felt fine otherwise. Well she did get me a menu for real food (this is about 2 hours since my cream of wheat), and she got me a clean pad for the bed and then completely dropped the ball on getting me meds or out of there.

So, after I ate, I decided to go up to the desk and ask WTF! I should also mention that the nurse didn't come to check on me but once in 5 hours (the brand new, non native english speaking med asst. did my blood pressure hourly so at least someone knew I was still alive, but seeing how I kept asking her for something for my back and she did nothing for me, I don't know if she would have told anyone if I had died). So after my angry appearance at the desk, the nurse comes back to my room and starts to apologize for not getting me any pain meds earlier. INEXCUSABLE. I just had surgery folks, why can I not get a freakin pain med? DUH! Hey you know what you could do, GET ME SOME NOW. Yeah, I got an apology but still no meds. Please stop making excuses and give me some freaking tylenol! I was about to start crying I was so tired and my back hurt so bad. So finally, as I start to tear up she gets me some damn tylenol. Who the hell do I write a letter to complain about this? Dr. C and my surgeon will be hearing about this.

The the nurse is asking weather I have gone pee yet... yeah, like 5 times by then (by the way, they catheterized me during surgery, I have absolutely no dignity left anymore). And they were giving me my discharge instructions, but no one tells me about why the heck I am still bleeding. From what Dr. C's nurse told me the other day they weren't going to stick anything in my vagina (of course Dr. C wasn't going to scrub in either), so apparently that was wrong. And I was wondering how long I would keep bleeding for, but no one could tell me. It was dumb.

Neither Dr. C or my surgeon came up to see me. The nurse talked to Dr. C and he said he did not come up cause he thought we were already gone (cause we should have been). I don't know what happened to the surgeon. But after I asked about my post op appt they finally made one for me. If I hadn't been on the ball enough to ask for my appt, would they have made me one?

And finally, they gave me my pain med script. I got a giant script of vicoFREAKINdin. Yeah, I can't get an f-ing tylenol, but I got enough vico.din to keep Dr. House happy for a week. So, finally we leave and walk outside to the semi-attached pharmacy to wait for them to fill my script so that I can go home. Of course, they couldn't have given me the script a half an hour ago so that I could have sent DH down to get it filled so it would be waiting for us on our way out. No that would make too much sense. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I get home and lay down, and all of a sudden, I'm in real pain. Every breath in hurt my gallbladder area and every breath out hurt my shoulder. I'm guessing the pain had a lot to do with the gas they put in me for surgery. Excruciating. It was bad, so vico.din #1 was swallowed. That stuff works fast and effectively. God bless narcotics. I took another nap and felt much better.

Oh, and I'm now remembering the phenergan that the recovery room nurse gave me IM in my shoulder to keep down my nausea. That explains more about why my shoulder hurts. I'm very proud of myself for not puking, cause I was very worried I was going to for a while. Amanda does not throw up... except for that one time I drank way, way, way too much. No one should ever do 8 jagerbombs (plus what ever else I drank that night).

I'm trying to go light on the narcs, but definitely taking them if I need them. I asked Dr. C's nurse the other day if it would be alright to take them if I had ovulated and she said it would be fine, so I don't think I'm being irresponsible for taking them.

So that's how the rest of my day went. Glad it's over. Now, just counting down till I can take a shower again.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Bored and Sore

Who knew you could type with an IV in your hand?

So, obviously, I'm ok. We brought the computer to keep DH entertained, but now I'm bored and sick of laying down. The worst pain I am having right now is from my back and I suspect the bed is to blame for that, so I decided to sit up in the recliner for a while and write a post.

I know you'll all be sorry to hear this, but my urine HCG test came back negative. Shocker.

Dr. C came in to meet me before the surgery and that instantly cheered me up since I was worried that I wouldn't get to talk to him. It sounded like form what he was saying that he WAS going to scrub in and do the looksy-lap himself. Still not sure what happened, but according to my husband, Dr. C came out and told him that everything looked fine and I had no signs of "endomitosis" (DH is so cute sometimes). And the good news, it appears that I may have ovulated! I want to hear it from Dr. C himself, but he went ahead and had me do a P4 today. I actually woke up this morning with a lot of pain on my left side about where my ovary is... so maybe it had just happened... I don't know anymore.

Also, I am bleeding a lot (you know, down there). I don't really know why... I think it's from something they put in my vagina to manipulate the uterus. I hope it's not my endometrium, because that would upset me now that they think I ovulated. For the meanwhile, I have a pad that could double as a pillow.

Dr. C said he would come up and talk to me today if we were still here by the time he was finished with his clinic stuff. If not, he said he would call me Monday or Tuesday.

I think I have 3 band-aids on my stomach... I haven't really looked yet. I'm still waiting for the surgeon to come and talk to me. She apparently told my husband that my gallbladder was sludge-y which means that it probably won't be long till I started forming stones. So, currently, I'm glad that I got it out.

I've had some liquids and been to the bathroom. Things are going ok right now, except for that stupid bed.

Thanks for all the well wishes the other day, they mean a lot to me!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

T minus something

Well, there seem to be a lot of thoughts floating around in my head in a very unorganized fashion.

A big one is the status of this cycle. At this time, I'm going to say I didn't ovulate. Although I think I had a pos OPK and I had lots of CM, even some that definitely appeared to fall in the EW category, I think it's a no-go. My chart actually looked like something I remember from TCOYF... where your temp climbs and falls back and you may see patches of fertile CM but it's just your estrogen building and then falling.

It's that or I've got a new cyst. I have felt some "ominous pains" on my left ovary. Through my ultrasound habit, I have come to realize that some twinges are meaningless, and some are likely more significant and I refer to these as ominous.

So I am really hoping that someone will tell me tomorrow if they saw anything on my ovaries worth holding off on the prometrium for. Probably not. It will be like a getting really good ultrasound, but the tech is a controlling bitch that won't let you see the screen and won't tell you about what she saw afterwards. Sure, they'll tell me if I have need for another surgery, but not about what's going on this cycle, and right now, I'm more interested in that.

Then my next thought is that I need some one to call in prometrium for me. Do I call my clinic and ask now, or stop by on my way out of the hospital tomorrow, call on Monday? So I feel like I need to call my clinic now and leave a message for a nurse and wait for her to call me... I hate waiting all day for them to call me back. I wish they did email so that I could actually explain my thoughts and leave them a written record of my wishes.

And I left the piece of paper with the number on it I'm suppose to call if no one from surgery has called me by 3:00 today to tell me what time I should show up tomorrow. Since I know I'm the first case of the morning, I know it will be butt-crack-of-dawn early, but still I need a time.

And I had a dream last night that I lost my wedding ring... probably cause I hate to take it off for long periods of time and I will need to leave it at home tomorrow and I think I'm freaking out about that a little.

I did a little macabre joking with DH last night about who he should notify if I die. Not planning on it, but really, he should call a couple folks and let them know... I also told him he should post on my blog so that you all don't get left hanging. Yes, macabre, but always better to be prepared.

I got a little pissed at DH the other day for telling his parents that I'm having surgery tomorrow. Ok, it's fair to tell them, but he didn't tell me he was telling them, and he didn't tell them not to tell other family members. I seriously cannot handle 20 of his relatives calling me and asking questions and wishing me luck tomorrow. Once he told me he did that, I made him immediately call his parents back and tell them not to tell anyone else. MIL already told one of DH's aunts who probably told her husband, who will tell their kids (DH's cousins) who are always hanging out with BIL and SIL... and on and on. I only told my parents and I know they don't care and won't tell anyone (unless it's a slow family gossip day) and even if they did, my siblings don't give a damn, so I know I won't have to deal with them. DH's family is actually loving and caring and sometimes it's hard to get used to that when your family is not.

Well, I will plan on posting sometime tomorrow afternoon if I feel up to it. Hopefully nothing too exciting happens between now and then.

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Surgery called... the butt-crack of dawn is 5:30... of course we will have to leave the house at 4:45 to make it there on time.

My RE's nurse called me back. She's calling in my prometrium today, I'm going to plan it so that CD1 is April Fool's Day. I let her know I want an HSG and IUI next cycle as long as everything turns out fine tomorrow. If everything does not turn out fine, I may not know till Tuesday cause his nurse is off Monday and won't give me results till Tuesday unless Dr. C says for the surgeon to tell me something. And if everything is fine, I won't hear anything. So, if I seem a little crazier than normal over the next several days, you'll know why.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

More on the SIL email

If you didn't see my prior post please check out Dreading the Inbox.

My SIL is a crackberry addict and replied almost immediately after my "Things suck" response.

DH didn't like the "things suck" response cause he thought she wouldn't understand what I meant, but of course she did. I knew she would, but DH does not speak "manipulative girl". So her reply was something like 'Still? Are you doing the shots?' and then she said that she was there if I needed to vent and that she knows her husband doesn't 'get it' most of the time, not to say that my husband doesn't get it.

Well, that last part did piss me off a bit. I will be the first one to admit that my husband doesn't get it most of the time, but he sure as hell 'gets it' better than she does. He doesn't really have to get it, cause he lives it. He knows he might never have a biological child, he sees me crying, he goes to appointments, he hears my BBT thermometer beep every night, he gets yelled at by me for things that aren't his fault. He is infertile by association.

Although she tried to make it clear that she wasn't presuming that DH doesn't get it (and if you speak manipulative girl, you should actually read her non-presumption as 'I presume he is just as clueless as my husband, but I shouldn't say that, so I will make it clear that I'm not saying that.' Don't worry if you didn't get that, manipulative girl speak can be confusing for those that don't practice it regularly.), I just don't understand why she thinks she does get it. She so very clearly does not.

I feel guilty for being hard on her when she is trying to help. I kinda wish I could let her in, but because I know she will probably never get it, I would rather not even bother. I think it will only bring me more pain in the end.

So my reply to that email was to just send the link to the Tears and Hope video, which I had been wanting to send to her for a while. Her response was "Thanks for sending that."

I think this conversation has ended for now. I think she got the hint that I do not want to talk to her about this. But if she really 'got it' she would probably understand that more than anything, I just wish I wasn't infertile and that talking to her (a pregnant woman) only makes my infertility more real.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Someone finally talked to me

Ugg... well, I understand what is going on better now.

According to the nurse, the only way that Dr. C could code the lap would be to diagnose me with infertility (which I'm still not buying*, but whatev). And of course, my insurance doesn't cover "infertility" so if he did that, then I would be billed for half of the surgery. And he has resident clinic or something at 8 on Friday morning and can't find anyone to cover for him and my surgery is scheduled for 7:30.

So this is what's going to happen: He is seriously only going to look. He's not scrubbing in or anything. He will tell the surgeon to move stuff around so he can get a good look and then he's out of there.

"So what if he does see something?" you ask. Well, then I can be diagnosed with adhesions or endo or whatev and I can get another surgery and that should be covered by my insurance. Is that messed up or what? You can't have surgery to find out what's wrong with you unless you've had surgery and someone has seen that something is wrong with you. Very chicken or egg kinda deal.

I am a little disappointed.... However, I think it's important to keep things in perspective here: There probably isn't anything wrong down there (other than PCOS) so this looksy will ease my worries and I won't need a second surgery anyhow. But should I need a second surgery, I will be pissed.

By the way, I did a second OPK this afternoon. Totally negative, completely washed out. Nothing like the one I had this morning (and I had a sample comparably concentrated to this morning's) Weird... either I had a surge and O'd and it's over now, or that first stick was a fluke. Stupid OPKs! I hope my BBT thermometer is more reliable.

*I'm seriously not buying that cause my evil ex-gynecologist offered to open me up at the mention of pain associated with my gallbladder attacks and them happening around my period last year. I turned her down cause she scared the crap out of me (and she's a mean old one). Anyhow, if she could find a reason, I'm sure that he could too. And evil ex-gyne apparently loves to operate cause she has offered to open up every patient of hers that I happen to know (and scared the crap out of them too). Seriously, if you say to her, "I've had some cramping lately." She'll say, "Well, let's open you up and take a look."

This is why I hate OPKs

First, if you want to see how I responded to my SIL please check my update on the post below.

Now for those stupid OPKs. I had said that I didn't want to do them this cycle unless it was absolutely necessary. Well it appeared to be necessary yesterday and I finally went and bought a box of the Answer strips.

Let's go through the symptoms shall we: My left ovary 'woke up' back at my acupuncture appt the other week and has since given me a few, legitimate feeling twinges (as opposed to last cycle where it was the boy who cried wolf the whole cycle). Then, yesterday, I had lots of stretchy, cloudy cm. Not exactly the fertile stuff, but enough to make me think something was up. Then I had a sharp pain out of old Lefty... strong enough that had I not only been on CD12 of a non-medicated cycle, I'd thought it was mittelschmerz.

So, on CD12, I bought OPKs. I went home to test, I caught my pee and the stuff was clear and pristine as a mountain stream! Honestly, that was a first for me, usually it is somewhat yellow. So, obviously, I didn't bother testing. So a couple hours later (NO water since the mountain stream incident) and tried again and it was the same! Really, I don't drink that much water, so I'm really confused, but I gave up for the night after that.

This morning (CD13), I finally made some of the good stuff, I dipped my strip and it looks positive. So I still have one digital happy face test left and I decide to use it to confirm it's a positive. No happy face. Damn. But I swear, this is what my positive looked like when I had my cyst, so I suspect that the sensitivities may be different between the tests. I checked peeonastick.com and there is no sensitivity listed for the Clear Blue Easy digital tests, but the Answers are 40.


Sorry for the graininess. I swear if you saw it in person, the left side of the test line is definitely as dark as the control line, and that equaled a positive last time. When I have a negative, the test line looks nothing like this... if it's not a true positive, it's real close.

Ok, so I'm on CM watch today and I'm taking those stupid strips to work to test again later (I hate testing at work). We had 'relations' last night and I guess we should have them again tonight.

Now I really, really want Dr. C to hold my hand and tell me this is a good thing and the surgery won't interfere with it. So, it looks like we probably won't be doing any kind of HSG. At least I won't have to worry about getting an IUI done sometime after the surgery.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dreading the Inbox

So, my RE didn't call today (so I will be calling tomorrow), but I did get an email from my SIL.

You may recall that me and my SIL had a tiff at Christmas.

Her email is benign. She just wanted "to see how things were going," and "make sure that I'm ok." Just a simple, friendly email.

The problem is that I don't know how to reply. I want to say: No, I'm not ok. I'm sad about my last cycle and really want to cry and grieve for it, but the emotions just won't come out, but are right there under the surface all the time. And I'm getting surgery in a couple days that I pretend not to be worried about, but secretly am a little. And I'm constantly worried about the uncertainty of the future and I seriously don't know how long I can keep putting myself through all of this and how everyone else is having babies and I'm so sad to be left behind... you know, the normal stuff.

But, I don't want to tell her all that. I don't want to tell her anything. I don't feel like she deserves me sharing my thoughts and feelings with her right now cause I don't think she can understand.

I want to reply, "I don't feel like talking about it." or something to that effect.

I don't want to act like I'm fine, cause I don't know how to do that anymore.

So, I have no idea how to reply to the email, but I think if I don't send back something she will think I'm still mad at her or something (and maybe I am just a little).

Any ideas?

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I have replied with the brilliant line: Things suck.

I added a couple other cordial sentences relevant to an event that she recently attended told her that I hoped things were going well for her. Four sentences, send, done.

I had to explain to my husband my email before I sent it. He doesn't get it. I didn't go in to detail in the least, I gave her something without giving her anything, I left it to the imagination how much is going wrong right now, and I didn't say anything condescending about how she wouldn't understand about what I'm going through. Short and sweet and a little evil, but not obtusely so. And, as honest as it comes: Things suck.

Monday

Not much to report here.

The BBT is draining my energy. It's looking a little rocky so far, but not terrible.

Still waiting on the RE to call me.

I'm worried sick about Celia's cat. Poor baby. It breaks my heart.

We had a cat that never came home, Spot. He was one awesome cat. I should write a post about all the cool stuff that cat did. He was simply amazing. I'll never have another cat like that.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

My Priorities

I feel good about myself most of the time because I'm to a point in my life where I know what I want, most of the time.

Basically it comes down to:

1. Happy marriage
2. Healthy Muffy
3. Comfortable life
4. Baby pursuits

If something gets in the way of these, then it needs to get handled. I want to have a baby, but I'm not going to screw up the rest of my life to get one.

That comfortable life thing can be tricky. Basically, I mean that we have a house and we each have a car (a necessity around here) and we eat well and other basics.

We have debt, but it is all house related. We work very actively to lessen that number every month. But otherwise we try to live by the rule: if we can't pay for it now, then we don't need it.

Eventually, I will need a new car. I drive a 1998 Altima. It's a good car. It has more than 150,000 miles on it, but I bet it will easily put on another 50,000 no problem. So, basically, I can stand to drive that car, and I will until it either dies, or I have a reason to get a new car. The only acceptable reason to get a new car at this time is that I'm pregnant and upgrading to a safer car. We've already saved up a down payment for a new car for me (we're being optimistic about pregnancy), and will take out a loan if we need to so that we have a safe ride for our family. But till then, it's just not necessary.

We allow ourselves to eat out once a week. With our waist lines we probably shouldn't eat out more often than that anyhow.

We save money at home a few ways. For instance, we don't use paper towels anymore. We keeps a giant stack of kitchen rags and wash them weekly with the other towels. We haven't bought paper towels in at least 6 months, it's a little thing, but 6 months of paper towels adds up. (We do keep a roll on hand for the really messy stuff: cat vomit, but thankfully, Muffy's tummy has been kind to us lately.)

I made almost all of the drapes and window treatments in our house. I do have a taste for nice things and wanted silk drapes. Those would have cost a fortune, so I decided to buy the material and make them myself. The materials weren't cheap, but I know doing that saved us tons on those. They aren't perfect, but they impressed my neighbors.

We also don't pay for TV. When we bought our house we were upset to find out that the cable didn't run down the street to our house (although the seller said it did), but the digital transition was on the horizon and we decided to take advantage of it. We have a full sized antenna hidden in our attic and it connects into the house's cable (so no rabbit ears here). We bought a fancy digital converter box (way before the govt. coupons) and our box has an HDD and DVD burner. It's like Tivo, but it's free so that makes it better. As soon as the govt. coupons came out, we used them to get cheapo boxes for the other TVs in the house. It's absolutely great. We don't miss all those channels that we would pay for and never watch. And, so many shows are on the internet for free these days, so again, why pay for them? And the best part is that we don't just mindlessly sit in front of the TV. There are many days around here where the TV isn't even turned on. I, however, cannot say the same for the internet.

We do have a Netflix subscription, that's our entertainment. It's something we can enjoy together and see the movies we actually want to see. But we have agreed that would will give it up in a second if we need that money for something else.

And when it comes to other stuff, we don't buy it unless we really need it. That's why I had a 7 year old computer till it died. Would I have liked to have a new computer? Yes, but I just didn't need one. And, yes, I have an old cellphone, but plenty of people still carry phones like mine around, so you would never know. I would love to have an iPhone or a Blackberry, but I'm not willing to pay an extra $30 per month for the privilege.

Keeping our priorities in line has kept us on target with our other goals in life. We have a reserve cash fund to pay at least 6 months worth of bills. We have a down payment for car in the bank and hopefully we can add to that, maybe even enough to buy a car with cash. We contribute to our 401ks (not that those are doing so hot right now). We tithe at church. And we can afford fertility treatments and acupuncture. So I don't mind carrying around an old cellphone.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Come on! Ring already!

So, I am still waiting for my RE to call me about next Friday’s planned delights. I’m really wanting to find out if an HSG will be involved. A lot of the sites Dr. Google pointed me towards mentioned that often the tubes are checked for blockages one way or another. (By the way, I did mention this to the surgeon, but she really couldn't help me here.) But I know my ins covers HSGs so it’s a possibility. So I’m STILL anxious and I have listed some of my thoughts/concerns:

1. I would really like to get an HSG done during the surgery if that’s not asking too much, but if I don’t get a chance to ask, it probably won't happen. That brings us to #2.

2. Maybe he’s planning on doing some sort of an HSG anyhow. But since he hasn’t called, I don't know. And with the surgery happening on CD16 I know they will probably want to be 100% sure I haven’t ovulated (ROFLMAO... whew, got to catch my breath after that one, ahem) before the surgery. That brings us to #3.

3. I may need to start OPKs again. Remember how I was on a break and wasn’t monitoring anything and now I’ll be doing BBT and OPKs and who knows what else (hey, maybe they’ll want a u/s too). I really don’t want to do ANY of this if it’s not absolutely necessary so I really need to talk to someone (Dr. C) here. Peeing on a stick lost its mystique after I got my BFN last month.

4. So since the surgery is going to be CD16, maybe he would prefer I come in for an HSG before the surgery. Ok, but now it’s late Friday and Monday will be CD12 and we’re running out of time here and I’m not allowed squat for pain relievers before surgery so I will be pissed if I have to get that thing done with only a couple of Tylenols in me.

5. And, if he was going to give me an HSG anytime soon, I’m pretty sure he would want me to take some prophylactic antibiotics. Since, I have no script, I’m guessing I have no HSG.

So, really I think I should just drop it and assume that I won’t be experiencing that joy next week. But I can’t seem to turn off my brain and all these thoughts in my head.

So, the bad news is that my clinic is closed for the day already, so I think I’m out of luck for today (they close early Fridays). Dr. C does work on Saturdays, but I’m not holding my breath for that call. So I guess I will stay in limbo land till at least Monday. I have no idea how long after that I will be able to hold off calling the clinic.

I will now commence staring angrily at my phone hoping that somehow that will encourage it to ring.

Memories

So I got this new laptop and one of the more appealing features it has is a built in Bluetooth connection. I hadn't messed with it since I first got it, but was reminded that I intended to link it to my cell phone last night.

The program I had previously used to link my cell phone to my old computer was a total pain, so I never did it. Now, I see that I have pictures on here from a long time ago (undergrad), so I would like to share.

Remember, these are cell phone photos, so they suck, but it's not my fault.

First up, Muffy! Of course I have lots of pics of Muffy, here are just a few cause I can't resist.



And here is Sox, my family's other cat that lives with my parents. She is also know as "Evil Devil Kitty" and she lives up to that name, just ask Muffy.



This is cool. I lived in Nebraska and went to UNL for a summer in 2004 (told you these were old) and I was sitting outside, very quietly, on campus, and this squirrel comes and lies down on this stair edge that was only a few feet away from me. That in itself was weird, but then, as you can see, he pressed himself flat against the concrete. It wasn't a hot day, so I don't know why he did it. He must have been really tired and not paying attention, otherwise I shouldn't have been able to get so close. Squirrels are such fun little creatures.




This was a of a plane flying really low over my campus one day. It was weird. I can't remember if it was a military plane or not (I think it was but can't be sure). I took a pic so that if I heard something on the news I could say I saw it earlier. I didn't hear anything on the news. Oh well. Still weird.


One day the Weinermobile showed up on campus. I took this pic and sent it to DH with the message "This makes me horny."


Here's my odometer turning over 100,000 miles. That was more than 50,000 miles ago.


We really love this one restaurant and their beer bread is the best. However, this loaf was rock hard. So in protest, we shoved our tip into it and left the "tip pig" for the waitress. It was hilarious at the time. Those were the days.



Well, that was a fun stroll down memory lane. I hope you enjoyed it as much as me.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Crap.

Oh, wait, I meant FUCK.

You all are surely aware of the giant piece of shit legislation proposed in Georgia, right?

Well, guess what, I'm next.

I guess I better start inquiring with my "connections" and writing letters. I didn't ever plan on having to have IVF, but at least it was an option.

FUCK YOU NADYA SULEMAN AND YOUR DAMN DOCTOR.

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Ok, I have done a little research, and it's actually HB810 (not 801). The text of the bill is:
Section A. Chapter 334, RSMo, is amended by adding thereto one new section, to be known as section 334.350, to read as follows:

334.350. When treating infertility, physicians within the state of Missouri shall not implant more embryos into a human than the current recommendations set forth by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, or its successor.

That actually isn't that bad. However, it misses the point that those are RECOMENDATIONS for a reason.

Why change this?

It was morning as usual at my house today. My husband came to kiss me before he left and I told him he had a terrible Alfalfa. I tried to smooth it down but it wouldn't stick. I told him should fix before he went to work (you should have seen it, it was comically bad).

Then we had a conversation about how the cat had driven both of us out of the bed this morning. We went into the bedroom to see her sitting on the bed, "smiling" smugly at her victory. Then I teased him about stealing the covers again last night since they were located at the foot of the bed on his side.

He fixed his hair, kissed me and headed out the door. I went back to making my breakfast. And I stopped and asked myself again, "Why can't I be happy with this?"

I have a great marriage, we love each other and are happy. We don't need more than we have right now. Things are great.

I was thinking about what 'they' always say: Having a baby doesn't fix anything, it only makes problems worse. In relation to my situation, the problem is infertility, so I don't think it could be made worse by having a baby. And I wonder if you are in a happy and good marriage, having a baby makes things better, right? Right?

I don't know, but all I can think of is a very strong feeling I had a couple of years ago when I was with my husband. I thought to myself, I love this guy so much, the only way I feel like I could love him more is if I had another one of him to love, a baby. Of course, we do grow in our love for our partners with or without a child, but I have so much more love to give, it's would be nice to have even more to love.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It appears to be On

I got a call back from my surgeon's office today (from the nurse I so dearly love... she called me Hunny about 10 times... I ain't your Hunny, Hunny). Apparently Dr. C is ok with next Friday and would prefer if I was the first case of the day. So I'm being booked for 7:30am (which is good, I'd rather be early in the day than later).

The surgeon's office will handle the pre-certification with my insurance company, but is gets tricky with Dr. C coming in there of course. Apparently, Dr. C does not think my ins will cover his portion of the lap... however, my ins covers diagnostic stuff, so in my head, it could be coded as a diagnostic procedure (anybody know how diagnose endo without taking a look?). The surgeon will make all the cuts and do the 'ports' and Dr. C should only have to 'look'. Basically it sounds like Dr. C may be donating his time and it just won't appear in the bill and therefore doesn't have to be pre-certified. That's pretty cool of him, and hopefully he won't find anything so it will be quick. However, if he does see something that needs 'fixing' it sounded like then it will all be covered... cause I actually don't have to have outpatient procedures pre-certified. Are you confused? I'm confused. I've been told to not worry about it and everything would be taken care of. I'm going to trust them, because I don't think it will do any good to call the insurance myself. I just hope I don't wake up to a big bill.

I was also really wanting to talk to Dr. C before the surgery just to make sure I really understand what he will be looking for and what he will do if he sees something. The nurse said that he would be contacting me before the surgery, so I'm anxiously awaiting that call.

I'm really glad I'm getting all this done, but I'm definitely a little nervous... partially of the surgery in general, partially of side effects of getting rid of my gallbladder, and partially due to the fact that I'm so afraid that they will find something else wrong with me causing IF. I don't really think I have endo... adhesions are a possibility... I don't know what other kinds of thing they might see down there. Again, anxiously awaiting the call from Dr. C.

Ok, I had a nice vacation from the BBT thermometer, but I think I should pull it back out of the drawer now. BBT can be very informative. If I do it for several days and see that my temps are all over the place, I will assume that I'm just experiencing another anovulatory cycle and will ask for prometrium to start after the surgery. If my temps look more stable then I might want to talk with Dr. C about doing an IUI if he sees a good looking follicle down there (not likely, but just in case). I would rather not do the BBT thing right now, but I think it would make me feel a little better to have some idea of what's going on before surgery. I fully admit that I'm a control freak.

Temptation

I have no will power.

I have been trying to watch what I eat. Mostly, I've been trying to cut the "excess carbs" out. Since I'm a vegetarian, carbs are not optional all together. For me and what I normally eat, excess carbs are things like cookies and other sugary foods, chips, and larger portions of the normal carb sources than I should eat.

But my office is screwing up my diet. We had a client event last night and we brought in meat and cheese trays, fruit trays, veggie trays, about 20' worth of (meat) subs, about 20lbs of potato salad, potato chips, and a couple of cookie trays. Not to mention gallons of sweet and unsweetened tea and lemonade. Only 20 to 30% of the food purchased got eaten. So their is a crap load of food left. There is so much food left that we had to put 2 gallons of tea and 6 cartons of lemonade in our fridge at home cause their wasn't enough room in the work fridge and my boss had to take about 8' of subs back to his house.

Good Lord, that's a lot of food.

So guess what, today we must eat it. I had a lovely hummus/onion/tomato/feta/flatbread sandwich planned for lunch and now I have to eat picked over broccoli and mealy cherry tomatoes. There is some good looking cheese, but because it has been too close to the meat, I can't eat it (cause not only do I not like meat, I find it absolutely disgusting... the cheese might as well have been next to feces the way I see it).

But there are also tons of cookies and chips... I already had two cookies yesterday and one this morning! I have fallen off the wagon. Thankfully, my coworkers are making the cookies disappear very rapidly. They won't temp me much longer. However, those damn potato chips will try to destroy me for the rest of the day. Oh, chips are so good. Why do the tasty things have to be soooo bad for us?

Tonight, no excuses, me and the treadmill have a date.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Don't tell me you *know*

Today was my surgery consult. It all went well and I'm currently scheduled to have my gallbladder removed on Friday the 13th. No jokes alright. This hasn't been checked with my RE's schedule yet, so it could move. Everything will probably be confirmed tomorrow.

I liked my surgeon... she was real and talked a lot and was friendly. She made me feel better about getting the surgery done. Also, her husband is one of the Chem-E profs and I will have to email my old Chem-E buddies and ask them what they thought of him.

I did not like her nurse. She came to give me all my instructions for surgery day and went over all the meds I'm not allowed to take... which I already don't take cause they are not allowed for TTC. We talked about it for a second and she gave me that look... the "I know" look. And then she said it, "I know, I had trouble getting pregnant too." And for a second, I thought I had a new friend. Then I asked her, "Did you win?" She started to tell me she had her first two no problem, but the third was difficult. But she understands and knows how I feel. NO YOU DON'T. YOU HAD CHILDREN ALREADY. YOU NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT NEVER HAVING ANY CHILDREN. YOU GOT TO GROW A BABY IN YOU BELLY AND FEEL IT MOVE AND BREAST FEED IT AND CHANGE IT'S DIAPER AND LOVE IT. EVEN IF YOU NEVER HAD ANOTHER, YOU ALREADY DID MORE THAN I ALLOW MYSELF TO HOPE TO DO. NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU MAY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU WERE 15. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THE MAN YOU LOVE THAT IF HE WANTED KIDS, HE SHOULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK AND DON'T SAY YOU'VE BEEN THERE, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T.

I know secondary (or tertiary) IF sucks, but I really can't stand it when someone that hasn't experienced primary IF acts like they went through the same thing I am going through. I know they understand my pain, I'm sure it hurts just as much, but it's just different and I would rather not they act like they are the same. They are not.

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I got more acupuncture today cause you know I love it. As he put one of the needles in my back, my ovary gave me a STRONG twinge. I would say it was just lucky timing, but I haven't felt anything out of my ovary in a while... it has probably been at least a week and a half and it suddenly came back to life with gusto right then. Interesting.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Alone

I am alone. I like it that way. Just me and the couch. Muffy is soaking up the sun and DH went to his Aunt and Uncle's house to bring some rusty junk back to the house. DH loves rusty junk. He collects old tractors and farm equipment.

Actually, he is bringing back a tiller for one of his lawn tractors. He and some buddies are planting a vegetable garden this year and they are going to use his tiller. I like the idea... we've grown some container vegetables here, but they are going to plow up a fairly large field. We've been talking about what to plant... so far definitely tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, and onions. We don't bother with sweet corn since everyone around here grows sweet corn and gives it away so there is no point. I'd like to grow potatoes but I don't think the soil will be good for it. I'd also like to grow asparagus (but takes more than 1 season usually), leeks, and some squash but I have a feeling those are going to be less popular with DH's friends. Strawberries would also be nice, but those are pretty labor intensive and animals tend to get them.

I need to get some ambition to work on my flower garden outside. It needs pruning and fertilizer and new mulch. I already saw weeds growing in it the other day so I know I need to get on it. Spring is around the corner.

We have a grape trellis too that needs some work. We just started it last year and a couple of the plants didn't make it, so we need to replant those while the vines are still dormant. Hopefully it will start to fill out this year cause right now it looks kinda weird.

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Yesterday was kinda weird. I was in my RE's town on CD 3 and didn't get a u/s... or acupuncture. Pretty strange. Tomorrow will be even more strange when I go to the same office building that my RE is in and go to another floor to meet with the surgeon. It's just that I consider my RE appointments so cumbersome and it seems almost wasteful to me to be so close and not go in.

I did however get my hair cut and eye lashes done. I always think I look a little sexier after I get my eyelashes done... I can be found winking more often... usually at myself in the mirror.

My hair dresser is giving birth in about a week (planned C for medical reasons) and she had to press her belly into me several times. We joked that if that baby kicked I would be able to feel it. It's hard being around someone so pregnant, but I'm happy for her.

After, I bought a couple pairs of pants in a considerably smaller size than I normally wear. I am suspicious that they are cut a little large or something... but hey, smaller pants are smaller pants. I'll take 'em.

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I haven't really decided what I'm doing about this cycle yet... I don't expect to ovulate, so it's probably not worth worrying about... but what if I did?

I can't imagine that I would knowingly O and then not have sex. A free O, who could pass that up? But would I feel reckless or irresponsible for doing it? Yes, especially depending on when it happened in relation to my surgery. But would I do it anyways cause it would be like a miracle that landed in my lap and I would be stupid for not pursuing it? Probably that one. Oh well, it's all hypothetical at this point.