Tuesday, June 30, 2009

9w 0d

I guess I should preface this a little. You might have noticed that I'm doing weekly pregnancy update posts. These posts are for my own documentation. If something sounds like whining, it's not intended to be, just documentation (and I don't really have anything to complain about anyhow).

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Today is my first prenatal appointment! And another u/s! So lots of exciting stuff today as far as that is concerned, but I will save what ever info is learned from those for tomorrow.

I could feel my uterus a bit yesterday, it felt like it might have had some very mild stretching happening, and it seemed reassuring. I'm a conundrum... I'm always wanting to feel something and then when I do, I usually freak a little and just hold my breath hoping that I don't start feeling too much and that it stops soon. But yesterday felt very gentle, it didn't freak me out.

As far as the symptoms go, mostly the same from last week. I think my progesterone level is increasing. Smells are a little stronger lately and I've had just a tiny bit of nausea, but nothing bad at all. I think that wonderful pregnancy constipation is creeping up on me which I was hoping to avoid since I eat lots and lots of whole grains and beans. Apparently even vegetarians that drink 2 gallons of water a day are not immune against mild constipation. The fatigue got a little worse in the last week even though I've been sleeping pretty well. And I'm having lots of dreams lately. I don't normally dream much, and almost never remember them, but lately I've had a couple a night. Definitely the progesterone.

The worst thing that has happened so far is that I can no longer eat spicy foods :(

I know the girls that have spent the last few weeks bent over the toilet are planning a coup to find me and make me pay for that, again, I'm not complaining, just documenting. I can't really eat anything with much of a flavor right now. I had to tone down my hummus so that I can keep eating it and my beloved salsa is banished (I would eat salsa out of a jar (the whole jar) with a spoon if I could). I ate some Taco Bell the other day, big mistake. I'm keep trying to push the limits and winding up sorry later.

There was something else, but I can't seem to remember because my brain seems to have turned into a blob of useless mush.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Worth it for a funny?

Work life is a bit complicated right now. Basically, on July 1st, the Old Boss will be stepping aside and New Boss will take over. Old Boss is a bit of a jokester and has mentioned that it might be appropriate that day for everyone to show up in t-shirts and shorts and flip flops and send New Boss email requests for bizarre changes in work schedules and personal use of office equipment, and everything we can think of to throw him off for the day.

Wouldn't it be hilarious to send him a 1-line email that says, "I'm pregnant!" and just leave it at that?

He does know that I have infertility so he could write that off as another joke and I could just let him continue to think it's a joke. Or I'm seriously playing with fire here and it has bad idea written all over it.

Probably the latter.

Yes, probably not worth potentially outing myself before I am comfortable. However, I really do need to discuss this with him in the near future. Also, I've become increasingly bothered by our birthday lunch celebrations and the lack of food safety, it's gross, really, (we have a kitchen and cook a whole big meal and hand washing is not well observed) and another one will be in a couple of weeks and I have no idea how to be un-noticeably absent that day. Maybe he could help me form a cover up if he understood the situation. I don't know, but I'm kinda desperate. I'm sure I'll find a way to get through it. sigh....

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hell NO!

This weekend was DH's family's annual camping and float trip. Most years I have had an valid excuse not to go. Last year I did not, so I sucked it up and went.

(For the record, I like love camping. I don't like float tripping as my skin will burst into flames if exposed to sunlight for more than 15 minutes. But I don't like these big float trip campgrounds packed with people, mostly drunk, making asses of themselves.)

So, this year, I obviously have a good excuse again, not so much the pregnancy, but the couple gallons of water I require and the hourly bathroom trips and multiple trips in the night... not good camping material here. But it doesn't appear that I have a good excuse, since we haven't told anyone yet... so it's looks like I'm just ditching the family.

So we didn't go camping, but DH is headed over today for the float trip. He was getting ready this morning and I went to the bathroom and came out and saw what he was wearing, and my reply was "Hell NO!"

He had on a t-shirt that his uncle gave him that says:

I love my wife
(when she lets me go hunting)

Nevermind that I already look a little bad for not going today, that shirt makes me look worse. And it's crap too, cause I let him go hunting whenever he wants, even though I don't like him doing it.

Hell NO!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Early Arrival

Good news, DH decided to come home early and came home yesterday. And nothing bad happened while he was gone! And I didn't even turn into a slob and kept up with the dishes and laundry while he was gone (I'm so bad about that stuff when no one else is around... I also stop showering on the weekends... I'm such a slob).

Also, I've been doing a pretty good job of sleeping lately (that is when I'm not getting up to pee 3 times a night). I figured out the trick that seems to have worked for me. I sleep with a pillow under my thighs so that my knees are at a more comfortable bend. And then I hug another pillow all night (this is handy in case I roll onto my side for supporting the girls). I don't know why this works, but as soon as I started doing this, I had much better sleep.

But it was pretty funny last night cause DH stole my hugging pillow. I ripped it out of his hands and may have even punched him. I think it's hilarious personally. Hey buddy! Don't mess with my pillows! He's already a cover hog, I will not let him have my pillows.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Train

Yeah, so I think there is a train rolling through the Land of IF right now.

I think at least 4 bloggers I follow got BFPs in the last week. And a couple more before that, oh and me too. That's fantastic!

I hope the train is still making stops and grabs a few more before rolling out.

I just wanted to see if anyone else has noticed the recent phenomenon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

8w 0d

Well, nothing new from last week really. I'm still really, really thirsty. And my face looks like raw hamburger. But no morning sickness. No feelings. No nothing. It's very weird. Somehow I thought you were suppose to feel pregnant during pregnancy. Could someone tell me when that's suppose to happen? Honestly, I think telling people probably helps you to feel pregnant cause then you don't have to pretend all the time like it's not happening. I haven't told anyone (except my drs and priest) and all this pretending is feeling like reality right now.

And not that their is any logical reason to think this, but I'm convinced it's dead. I know, I'm crazy, but I will be utterly shocked if it is alive at my appt next week. That's how unpregnant I feel.

And I couldn't contain it any longer and called my OB's office to check that I was getting an u/s at my appointment. I politely explained that I would be pretty upset if I wasn't getting one and the nurse said it's their policy to do one at this point, so, yes, I should be getting an u/s next week. Cause obviously, I can't have a rational conversation about all of this right now, cause I'm convinced it's dead.

I need to start preparing for my appointment. I have so much I want to ask about that I can't imagine their will be enough time. I'm thinking of writing out all my medications ahead of time so we can at least speed that part along. And I really need to talk about my meds... the progesterone, met, baby aspirin.... I also want to ask about getting a flu shot (not that it will do squat against swine flu which has invaded my tiny community), and I know I'm out of date on tetanus. And, I'm getting my teeth cleaned afterwards and it's been an embarassingly long time since I've been to the dentist and I know they will want to take x-rays and they have a 'low dose' digital x-ray they will probably try to convince me is safe and I need to ask the ob about that. And I need to tell her that the thought of an episomity freaks me out big time. And I'm considering using a doula. And what happens if I get GD and do they normally induce earlier because of that. And I need nutritional support if some is available to keep me from ballooning. And none of this matters cause I'm sure it's dead. Yeah, I'm a little nuts.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Alone again

DH is off this week and decided to go visit his parents. I'm not extremely pleased with this. Normally I don't mind him being gone, it's more time for me to spend with Muffy... but not anymore.

I don't worry about him when he goes home... he usually just helps out at his parent's and grandma's house. DH is such a good son/grandson.

But I still wish that he would have stayed up here and done some projects I need done or something. I have several organizational projects that I wish he'd do for me.

And, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm a little worried about something happening to the pregnancy while he's out of town... I figured a little guilt on that point would stop him, but it didn't. However he did change his plans to not leave until this morning and return Thursday (instead of Friday).

He still has 3 weeks left to take off this year... I have no weeks cause I don't get much to begin with and I have to save what I have for maternity leave (the only mat leave my company has is FMLA leave).

So he still has time to do my projects, but the thought of all the work we need to do around the house to before we ever begin to prepare for a child is making me panicky. We still have 8 months, but it nothing can get done fast enough. Throw out logic, it's crazy time.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Important for Met takers

I was just feeding my addiction to health articles last night and read this one.

It's actually about men being deficient in many key nutrients, but when you read down to the section about B12 there was some very interesting information... something I did not know at all.

Metformin inhibits absorption of B12. No one ever told me that.

Also, I had previously read somewhere that many women that experience recurrent pregnancy loss are deficient in B12 (try googling it of you want to know more).

So while I was TTC I took an additional B12 (just in case) with about 800% the DV (B12 does not have significant overdose risks). I ran out the other week and stopped because my new prenantal has a higher amount of B12 than my old, but now, after reading this information, I'm going out to buy some more B12 today.

I just wanted to share since so many of you all are metformin takers too.

Friday, June 19, 2009

A Weighty Issue

I don't get too riled up about my exact weight normally. I'm 5'10" and obese to begin with so +/-5lbs isn't really anything to me. As long as my jeans still fit, I'm happy. Though I'm happier when my jeans get loose and I get to buy a smaller size.

I get on my wii every couple weeks to take an official weight, but normally I just step on the cheapo spring scale every morning and see that I'm in range.

Also, I don't know if anyone else has paid attention or not, but new weight gain guidelines for obese women were put out a couple of weeks ago.

And they say I should gain no more than 20lbs. (And I've heard it's preferable to not gain anything when you're obese as long as the baby is fine.)

But even if I'm just trying to keep it under 20, that means I really can't gain any weight in the first trimester.

But I think I have.

And before where 5lbs never really bothered me, I feel like I need to watch every lb (which is driving me crazy since water retention alone can fluctuate so much).

I've noticed that I've consistently been on the higher end of my 'range' lately and actually exceeded it this morning. And I feel fatter too.

I've been trying to be good, but I seem to feel somewhat hungrier lately. Also, I noticed I was having a lot of cravings for dairy products which lead me to investigate my calcium intake and I realized I was low, so I've added a glass of milk and eat a string cheese for a snack now (I'm even keeping a spreadsheet to make sure I keep up on calcium).

So I did increase my calories a little, but I was eating to loose weight before and now I just want to maintain, so I don't see what the problem is.

And call me crazy, but if you are pregnant and feel hungry, a sensible snack doesn't seem like it should be a problem. If I cut my calories back so that I'm not eating as much, I think I'm going to be left hungry a lot... and being a vegetarian, it's already harder to fit my needs into a lower calorie diet.

It was soooo nice of what ever organization it was to tell my fat ass to not gain any weight, but I wish someone would have told me how to accomplish this!

I'm going to see if I can get any nutritional counseling services when I meet with my OB, but I'm worried that my fat ass will have already gained 5 lbs by then.

And ironically, I don't actually have a fat ass, I don't have much of an ass at all, I do have a giant belly and love handles that I can thank PCOS for. I am soooo textbook PCOS.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Father's Day

I'm not getting anything for my husband for father's day. Is that weird, does it make me a bad wife?

I always told him if I was pregnant on Mother's Day he had better celebrate it/ME! I expected flowers and a card at least. But to me, Mother's Day for a mom-to-be is different than Father's Day for dads-to-be... I'd explain why it's different, but I don't want to and I figure most of you will get what I'm saying anyhow. (exceptions taken for MF infertility, which was not the case here)

IMO, he may technically be a father, but at this fragile state, nothing is solid enough to justify celebrating "Dad Status" just yet.

And acknowledging it may be a little like calling your great aunt and telling her you're pregnant before the pee stick has even dried. It just seems too soon.

I've told him I wasn't doing anything, I think he might have been a little dissappointed. Oh well, I seriously just don't want to mark it right now with anything more than words.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

7w 0d

And I'm thirsty!

I know nothing about pregnancy, but I used to think pregnant women went to the bathroom so much because their uterus pushed on their bladder and they were going more often but not necessarily more. Boy, am I dumb. Maybe that's what happens later, but right now, it's cause I'm drinking a fish tank a day.

I have a 20oz bottle that I drink out of all day. I don't keep track of how often I refill it, but it's a lot... it has to be at least 14 times a day. If you are doing the math right now, you're probably thinking, "No way, you're exaggerating." No, if anything, I'm low balling it.

I've discovered that the moment I start getting the tiniest bit dehydrated, I start to feel like crap. So I drink, and drink, and drink.

I think some of my insomnia had to do with dehydration too. I was trying not to drink at night so that I wouldn't have to get up to pee so much and realized that the reason I was probably laying awake at 3 am had more to do with feeling crappy than not being tired enough. Now I make sure my bottle is full before I go to bed and drink every time I get up to pee and things are going better. I actually slept until my alarm went off this morning!

And I switched prenatals the other day. I started taking Rainbow Light Prenatal One and I think I love it. Michelle suggested that my dizziness could be from anemia. This vitamin had slightly more iron in it and in a different form than my old vitamin and the dizziness stopped as soon as I started this vitamin.

Also, I really haven't had much nausea and the small bit that I was having also stopped after I started this vitamin. It has a "Prenatal Blend" with ginger that may be helping me.

And I'm really glad that I don't have morning sickness, but it would be more reassuring to feel the symptoms of pregnancy a little stronger. It's been really weird to not feel anything going on down there... I'm used to at least feeling my ovaries go snap crackle pop so much of the time, I find the "silence" deafening.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Sign

My priest was on retreat last week, but turns out he was back for mass last night. We got to church and he was standing in the greeting area and I asked him if we could talk in his office.

I explained the situation and he understood. First he offered up letting me receive Communion after mass from him or the deacon, but I reminded him that the Communion has already been handled by then and he agreed that I had best just avoid it for now. But he told me to google "Spiritual Communion" and do that instead.

We kept the conversation brief and I didn't get to mention about some parishes require hand sanitizer, but I'm fine with this for now. Someday I'll have a big, obviously pregnant belly and my actions will make more sense to onlookers (since I was baptized in this church most people know that I should be receiving Communion). Before he left we said to us that he would love to baptize our baby. I would love for him to do that too, more than he knows.

And as I stood in line during Communion (arms crossed) I couldn't help but notice that the woman in the line next to me was carrying a beautiful blue-eyed, red-headed baby that just kept staring at me. Being a blue-eyed, red-headed person I felt that this was the perfect sign to me that I was doing the right thing.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Negative

I was pretty disappointed today to learn that I am Negative for CMV and toxoplasmosis.

I was worried about the toxo cause I want to get some cats and while knowing this does increase my weariness somewhat, the fact that I have had a cat nearly all the 26 years of my life and managed to avoid catching it is pretty reassuring (and I scooped the litter myself most of those years).

But the CMV...

First, if you don't know much about CMV (cytomegalovirus) you can check out the CDC's page on it. CMV is one of those virsus that isn't a big deal unless you get it for the first time while pregnant and then it can cause birth defects. In fact, I've heard that it is the leading cause of congenital birth defects in the US. The CDC's website even says: Each year in the United States, about 1 in 750 children are born with or develop disabilities as a result of CMV infection. What it doesn't say is that the disabilities can be very severe. CMV increases the risk of miscarriage. Many parents of children that become infected with CMV during gestation abort their children.

Some websites will say that CMV causes infectious mononeucleosis, but I've had mono before and most people consider true mono to be from the Epstein Barr Virus. So the CMV mono is not the same thing, so it's not good to assume you've been exposed just because you've had mono.

The most common sources of exposure to CMV is often young children (the virus is often shed in their saliva and urine). The best protection is washing your hands.

So then, you'd think if I just wash my hands and stay away from toddler spit and pee I'd be ok, right? Mostly. But, the real reason that I wanted to get the CMV testing is that I became a Catholic about a year ago. And, if you are familiar with a Catholic mass, you know that you shake everyone's hand around you as a sign of peace shortly before the Eucharist. And the Eucharist is a big deal to Catholics, it is a major tenant of the Catholic faith.

I'm too much of a germ-a-phob to drink out of the cup, but that's fine, you don't have to as long as you take the bread (you have to take at least one or the other). But now, I'm afraid to take the bread too. I can sanitize my hands before I get the bread, but the person passing it out doesn't sanitize their hands. And churches are filled with sick folks and babies and toddlers... I'm terrified that taking the Eucharist will cause me to contract CMV.

I've had an interesting relationship with the Eucharist since I started dating my husband. About a month after I started dating him I got a really severe case of mono (I was almost hospitalized, my liver started to shut down, and it was from him of course, he's the only guy I've ever kissed and the incubation timing is perfect for when I came down with it). Of course I got fat again after mono too. And although I was previously as healthy as can be, I just kept getting sick with one thing after another. Finally, after a year or more, I asked him to stop taking the blood at mass and, guess what, I stopped getting sick and have been incredibly healthy since. So that experience has already made me very weary of virus transmission from the Eucharist.

So something else to consider here is that I can stop taking Eucharist, but if my husband hasn't ever gotten it before and gets an active infection, he could spread it to me. So maybe he should stop too? Maybe I need to have him screened too? I bet he's gotten it already. I called my family doctor and asked her and she said that they've never screened a man for it before and kinda doubts that insurance would cover it. (I care enough to pay out of pocket.)

I know the Eucharist is supposed to be an act of faith and this my line of thinking here is probably some kind of blasphemy, but it says in the bible, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test." So, to me, that means don't rely on God to keep you from getting a common virus and to protect myself. But this means that I should probably talk to my priest about not taking the Eucharist while I'm pregnant. I think that's allowed, but I'm not really sure (I'm going to quit either way, but I'd like to understand if it's a sin or something before I do). And this means we have to tell my priest, like today. Oy vey!

And I do think taking the Eucharist is a very special thing and I really enjoy it. Every week at church I get to partake in a miracle. And on Sundays (every Sunday) I go to Adoration just to see the Eucharist for a while. Giving this up is a big deal and not something I want to do, but definitely a big enough deal that I will. I already made the decision as an adult that just walking up to get a blessing was not the way I wanted to participate during communion. But this is still an easy choice for me and I hope my priest is compassionate about this. I really like him and I think he will be, but I don't really know what the Church's official position is here.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I know how to cure infertility!

I hesitated to write this post cause I didn't want people reading it to think I thought I had figured it out, that I'm so smug as to think I know how to cure infertility (obviously my title is a joke). But, since my blog is also my record, I really wanted to make note of what was different this cycle. So here is a list some stuff... don't read too much into it.

- BBT & OPKs - I stayed the hell away from them. If you've read my blog for very long, you know that I absolutely freakout over what ever those stupid things tell me. I still think they are good tools, but they cause me too much stress, and the bbting makes me tired since I was doing it at 3am.

- Green Tea - I started drinking green tea cause I thought it was healthy and I'd heard it was good for CM. But I have never really liked it and I was sick of making it every day. So I'd lowered my consumption a while back, but I didn't even try this cycle. And, I bought that book, "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" and it says NOT to drink it cause it interferes with folic acid absorption and can contribute to neural tube defects. Who knew? Not me. So maybe it was good that I quit drinking it.

- Lost All Faith in My Treatment - I wasn't just trying to lower my expectations, I really, really, REALLY thought it wouldn't work this cycle. I was trying to figure out how long it would take us to afford IVF. Some people (fertiles) say to "give up" and you'll get pregnant... well, we certainly didn't give up really (I still had an IUI, that's not exactly giving up) but I had already moved so far past clomid mentally it wasn't funny.

- Baby Aspirin - Hey, can't hurt (unless you're a hemophiliac). One of the biggest reasons I added the baby aspirin this cycle is because my lining was thinning. In February on CD11 it was 8mm, in May on CD13 it was 6mm (another reason I really thought the cycle would fail).

- Orgasms - Yes, I really am going TMI here. Usually, I don't care that much and am even a little afraid to have them in the luteal phase. Not this cycle. I had dozens and dozens (don't worry, no husbands were harmed). Part of the thinking was to see if I could 'create' decent CM... despite my great efforts, it didn't work. I was also wondering if maybe if it increased blood flow down there or something and that would be good. Who knows if it helped at all, but at least it felt good.

- Trigger Timing - In my April cycle I had a 17mm and 18mm follicles and triggered a day and a half later when they would have been about 20mm each. So in May, we decided to let it go a day longer, I had an 18mm and let it go two and a half days longer so that it would have been about 22mm. It may have also helped that I forgot to trigger... I was asleep in bed and luckily my husband remembered and woke me up. We did it about 20 minutes later than we planned, but oh well, cycle was doomed anyhow.

- Watched My Childhood Pet Suffer and Die - I don't know why RE's across the country haven't figured out what a great fertility treatment this is. Nothing improves fertility like paralyzing amounts of grief and sadness.

So, it could have been any combination of the stuff listed, or maybe none of it, or maybe I just wasn't that infertile to begin with. I mean, before I started with the RE and we really started treating my PCOS I didn't ovulate, but now that I've got IR under control now and have lost some weight, maybe I didn't even need the clomid? Who knows? All that matters is that something worked and I feel blessed what ever that was.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Graduated?

It appears I'm done with the RE... felt more like a kicking out than graduation.

Backing up a bit, the u/s tech had a student with her and I greatly enjoyed her telling the student things (cause she won't ever tell me anything). But things looked good... yolk sac, fetal pole... and then they went to find a heart beat. I couldn't see one on screen, and I take it they couldn't either (or they would have stopped there). So then she does the on screen sound waves to check and nothing. But, because the student is there, she's explaining that this is normal and could be because of how I'm breathing or something and says to the student that then you do "the color" (which is some kind of color doppler like I saw with my ring of fire corpus luteum). And then I saw a red dot appear and I checked with the tech that it was indeed what I thought it was. I didn't see it flicker. I was hoping it would, I guess that's normal.

So, there's an early heartbeat, but too early to get a BPM reading.

Pants back on, wait in the consult room for the nurse. She walks in and says, "You're done, where do you want us to send your records?"

Um, wait, what? I don't get another u/s? That was barely a heartbeat. It's only 6 weeks?

No. that's it.

But I don't get to see my OB till the 30th! Please?

No.

Dammit.

She said I was measuring right on 6 weeks. I finally managed to get an actual crown rump length measurement out of her. 0.34cm... I wish I hadn't asked cause Dr. Google says it should be 0.45cm at 6 weeks. Nearly every time I have gotten more info since my positive pee stick I have found a reason to freak out. I'd like to chill, but easier said than done. I think my new MO should be to just play dumb and stop asking questions. Knowledge is not power, it's scary.

I was able to talk her into getting me a CMV and toxoplasmosis screening. Hopefully I'll test positive for both so I can stop freaking about those too. I probably won't know those till the end of the week or early next.

I told her I wanted the toxo cause our cat died and I wanted to get another. She said she would do it and let hubby worry about the litter box. That would be fine, be we all know that litter gets everywhere. So, I'm happy to wait for the test result.

Ok, to summarize... everything thing is fine and I just like to freak out and will try to keep it bottled up for the next 3 weeks waiting for the OB. (I think this means that I'm about 2 weeks from calling the OB office and harassing them for a u/s at my appointment.)

6w 0d

This week hasn't been too bad. Getting that u/s and being able to rest easy that I don't have an ectopic has kept me sane so far.

The only problem is that I still can't sleep. I'm exhausted. You read about early pregnancy fatigue, but this really isn't that. I'm sure I wouldn't be so tired if I could just get a decent night's rest. Or take a nap. Or something. I spend hours awake in bed lately. I figure eventually I will get tired enough that I will sleep well, but it has to get worse first.

I haven't really had any big pregnancy symptoms. I haven't had any real morning sickness. Maybe just a tiny bit of nausea. I pee a lot only because I'm really thirsty and drinking a ton. My boobs haven't really grown or changed any. My biggest symptom has been dizziness. I'm frequently quite dizzy. Because of that, I'm a little concerned how my blood pressure is doing. (I've had dizzy problems before and blood pressure was an issue then.)

Right back around when I tested positive, I had lots of little cramps... kinda a bubbly feeling. A couple days later these turned into infrequent sharpish cramps which I assume are from my uterus stretching. And Dr. Google says this is normal but should stop by 6 weeks, and magically, they pretty much have in the last day or two. So I'm hoping all this is good and everything is measuring on schedule.

I feel really bad for my husband right now. He can't come to the u/s cause he has a training he can't get out of. I think he was really sad about it. It's hard on him feeling so helpless in all of this. And I know we've experience this journey differently... in the beginning it was no big deal to him, but the last couple months it has really changed and I know that it has emotionally affected him a great deal, and I think because he's a guy (and his role in all of this), he has a harder time showing and dealing with it. Hopefully everything will be fine and he can come to the next one with me (and hopefully we won't have to wait too long for it).

My thoughts on today's u/s are that everything has been going well lately, I think. At first, I was sure it wasn't going to work and didn't let myself get attached. But, in the last week I've started to imagine that this could be real. I could have my own baby, soon. And now that I've let myself love it, I'm so, so afraid of losing it. I really hope today's u/s goes well.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The aftermath

Well the baby shower wasn't that bad.

I find the simultaneous 'ooooohs' and 'ahhhhhs' highly annoying and they didn't stop. They're socks folks! Yes, they are tiny, but they aren't so cute that everyone in the room needs to automatically 'ahhhh' when they see them. The first couple are ok, but after fourth or fifth outfit has been held up and everyone is still doing it, it sounds ridiculous.

I was happy that my gift was a hit. I got some clothes and books and misc stuff they wanted, but I also found an big plush monkey and put this onesie on it. BIL is a chemist and they loved it. I don't think most of the women there would know the periodic table from a scrabble board, but SIL's excitement signaled that it was a big deal. And it turns out BIL loves monkeys so I scored a bonus there too.

There were only 2 babies at the shower (and a couple of preggos). One of SIL's friends brought what I thought was her ~2yo. No. Turns out it was her niece and she brought her along just cause she wanted to (which SIL was not extremely pleased with). At first I thought it was a little weird for her to bring her niece too. But later I was thinking about it and I wonder if it was part of her baby shower armor. I can't remember if she's married or not, but I know she doesn't have kids and is 30+. Who knows, maybe she's infertile or is just sick of sitting childless at baby showers. It makes me wonder.

And no one asked me any questions about children or anything. DH's family is really good about that kind of stuff. But at one point I was talking to several other childless people (yes, there were several of us there) about dogs and breeds and such. One girl asked me if I had any pets. I had to say, "No, not anymore." Of course one of the cousins was right there and gave me a look and said she didn't know. I got a little teary. I never expected my hardest moment at a baby shower to be about my lack of a pet.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Moving along

I'm posting right now, just to have something else other than yesterday's post sitting around up top.

All I can say is, wow, my first troll.

Well, I'm off to baby shower land today. A magical place filled with obnoxious games and food that I can't eat.

Baby Smiling in Back Seat had this great idea in her last Thoughful Thursday post:

Don’t even get me started on baby showers and all of the talk about nipples, explosive diarrhea (mom’s or baby’s), and episiotomies. Hey, I thought of a good baby shower game: refrain from talking about babies or pregnancy! Instead of relinquishing a diaper pin when you slip, you have to leave the party. I call this game “Shut the Fuck Up!”

And since I don't look pregnant (or at least not any more pregnant than normal) I'm wearing my "skinny" jeans. I'm gonna look thinner than someone today (even if it is only because she's 8 months pregnant).

Friday, June 5, 2009

Following up

Well, I appreciated all the comments and opinions from yesterday's post.

I really have no intention of making in decision or taking any steps forward until after Tuesday's u/s. If it doesn't look viable, kitties, here I come.

I also may ask my clinic if I can get screened for prior exposure to toxoplasmosis. I doubt they'll do it, but can't hurt to ask (not that I would be any less cautious even if it was positive). I've already asked about CMV and my RE didn't understand at all why I would want to be screened for that since I wasn't using donor sperm. Maybe my OB will do it.

I think Celia's point about adolescent cat's being very playful still and needing a lot of attention if right on and will definitely make for a challenge.

On the declawing topic. I would like to make a couple points of clarification. I would never declaw an older cat (if that's what we ended up with). It's something I feel has to be done at a relatively young age or not at all. And only the front claws are removed (I assume most people know this, but just clarifying).

I've had 4 non-declawed cats and 2 declawed. All of my 'un altered' cats, although they were wonderful cats 99% of the time, they definitely had their moments. One cat, Bubby, was the most relaxed, laid back cat you ever saw. He was just a big lover. But one day (when I was 18) I bent down to pet him, and out of the blue, he landed a claw in area right above my eyelid. Not cool. My parents are currently taking care of my Grandma's cat, Princess. Poor thing is about blind (although she's relatively young, it's from eye infections) but she has never figured out how to use her claws. She get's stuck just walking across the carpet (it's kinda funny). She always manages to free herself, but if you pick her up, she will unintentionally stick to you. Poor thing.

So basically, I just want to say that I've definitely had my share of experiences both ways. Declawing is not a matter I take lightly (I understand what's involved) and I wouldn't do it unless I felt it was an absolutely necessary step.

Anyhow, I'm in a holding pattern for all areas of my life until Tuesday anyhow, so I have more time to think about all of this. And thinking about the pros/cons of kittens is a much less stressful topic for my brain than whether or not I have a viable embryo in there anyhow.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Kittens

Today I have something very important to talk about that I have been mulling over. Is now a good time to get a cat(s)?

I have always known that I would get another cat after Muffy passed. In fact, I've always been adamant that I would get a pair of litter mates (I've always wanted 2 cats that got along, Muffy hated all other cats).

And, for at least the time being, I appear to be pregnant. So, if I got some kittens now they would be adolescents by the time the baby arrived. (For the record I think actual kittens and a baby at the same time would be too much and a bad idea.)

And if this pregnancy didn't work out, I would have the cats to comfort me. Or if I had to go on to bed rest, I would have them to entertain me.

Basically, the house is just too quiet right now and I desperately need a furball to love. Also, June is national Adopt a Cat month (since kittens are all turning 8-12weeks right now). So there are plenty of kittens out there that need homes right now.

Of course, their are some pretty serious cons to consider too. One of the biggies being toxoplasmosis. My plan, if we found some kittens to adopt, is to immediately take them to the vet to quarantine for toxoplamosis, worms, fleas, etc. and then retrieve them when the vet gets done running all tests and checking them. And DH gets litter duty, of course.

The other serious con is the safety of the baby around the cats. If this pregnancy sticks, by the time the baby came the cats would have been neutered and probably declawed (yes, I know I'm a terrible person for doing this, but I'd also be a terrible person for letting my cat scratch my child, and both Muffy and our other family cat were declawed and it never seemed to bother either of them one bit).

Also, we're not dumb, we know not to let the cats think they can play in the baby's stuff or that we can leave the baby alone around the cats. We would be VERY careful.

If we decided not to get some cats right now, I can't imagine that we'd try again till the kid was ~2 or something, and I've never not had a pet, so even this short time feels very empty, so I can't imagine almost 3 years without.

Of course, there is a big pro here too that shouldn't be over looked, teaching our child to love animals and care for them and providing him/her with the kind of love and memories I have from my childhood.

So, should we gets some cats now or wait? Are there questions I should be asking? Are there other things I haven't considered?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Oh no! I've been tagged.

I'm not big on this stuff, but usually play along when it happens and I'm trying to stay away from drama for a while, so here goes.

The Rules:
Mentioned who tagged you: Lucy
Complete the list of 8’s
Tag 8 people

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
1. Heartbeat, please
2. Other signs that good things are happening
3. Morning sickness
4. First OB appt
5. Making my husband a father
6. Being able to become excited about all of this
7. Having a child before my last grandparent dies
8. Seeing all my bloggy friends get pregnant and have babies!

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY
1. Freaked out that I had an ectopic pregnancy
2. Held my own in a conference call with the boys
3. Finished my first RFQ proposal
4. Found out that I have a uterine pregnancy
5. Celebrated with a Diet Cherry Limeade
6. Showed my husband the photos
7. Ate salad for dinner
8. Went to bed early

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO
1. Healthy baby/pregnancy
2. Only gain 11lbs in pregnancy
3. I want to cure PCOS too!
4. Get more done at work
5. Concentrate better
6. Take a vacation
7. Make myself eat eggs
8. Lose weight after this is over

8 SHOWS I WATCH
1. House
2. Scrubs (assuming it comes back next year)
3. 30 Rock
4. The Office
5. My name is Earl
6. Southpark
7. Nova
8. This Old House

8 FAVORITE FRUITS
1. Strawberries
2. Green Apples
3. Tart Cherries
4. Lemons
5. Green Grapes
6. Tart blueberries
7. Tomato
8. Oranges

8 PLACES I’D LIKE TO TRAVEL
1. Ireland
2. Italy
3. Greece
4. Tahiti and/or Bora Bora
5. New Zealand
6. Denali National Park, AK
7. New York (a connecting flight in NYC does not count)
8. Kenya

8 PLACES I’VE LIVED
1. Lake of the Ozarks
2. CoMO
3. Lincoln, Nebraska
4. Where I live now
5. That's it
6. Ok, well that's not exactly it, but I want to make it a challenge for the stalkers
7. Fun fact, one place I lived was actually a location on the X-Files
8. And I believe that same location is also the inspiration for the town where My Name is Earl is located

8 FOLKS I’M TAGGING
1. Papa Smurf
2. The Pink Ranger
3. Sneezy
4. Donnie Darko
5. Rainbow Brite
6. Samantha, An American Girl
7. She-Ra
8. The pink Popple I had when I was 6

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

It's not ectopic!

It was in the uterus, just where it should be. Hallelujah!

I'm still freaked by my betas, but there's nothing I can do about that and at least I know my tube's not going to rupture in my sleep.

It was a regular party in the u/s room, me, the tech, Dr. C, an intern... I've never had so many people show up for a u/s before.

It was too early to really measure anything but Dr. C did think we were possibly picking up a bit of yolk sac (which would be great).

Dr. C said to me some like, "See, I told you you might be pregnant!" Ok, fine, you get an I told you so.

And one of the nurses told me congratulations. I asked her to hold off until we know more.

I have another appointment in a week. I shall try to relax till then.

So, I think I will just keep my mouth shut IRL for awhile. I guess this means I have to suck it up and go to the baby shower this weekend. There are worse things.

Thank you for all the good thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me to have all you out there when things look scary.

5w 0d

I wouldn't have called attention to today's status normally, but since I'm afraid that I won't make it to 6w, might as well seize what I can.

You know, it might not be ectopic, and it might be just fine, and Santa might be real, but I don't think he is. I'm not just thinking it's ectopic cause it's fun to drive myself nuts with worry, I'm saying that because I have thought that from the start. Implanting at 4 days? I didn't think anything can get through the tube that fast. And the constant cramping and the distended feeling that I have only had on my left side this whole time? I told my nurse at my first beta I was worried cause I had only felt anything on my left side. Nothing in the middle, where it should be. And isn't this what ectopics do, start out fine and then slow down cause they don't have room and aren't properly nourished?

And, yes, I do feel pain on my left side. It's dull and not severe enough to go to the hospital, but it freaks me out. I'm seriously afraid of it rupturing while I'm driving and or while I'm alone, or something where my odds of dying are pretty good. And not all ectopic pregnancies are the same. Some have severe pain from the start, some give no warnings before rupturing.

They won't let me in before Friday cause they say that's the earliest they can see a gestational sac. I'm not completely buying this. I have no idea how I will make it to Friday.

And I'm pretty sure I don't want to go to SIL's baby shower this weekend now. I think I will call her and tell her what's happening tonight. I don't like the thought of telling any IRL person what is going on right now, but I don't think it's fair to force myself to have to handle all this pretty much alone. It might be nice to have someone (other than DH) to talk to.

I haven't been sleeping well for the last week. It might be the hormones (and their effects recently exacerbated by my fears) but I think it's also cause I miss Muffy. She's suppose to be with me at night, curled on my side. I brought home her ashes yesterday. I'm tired, scared, and sad. God, I wish I had her to hold right now.

----

Update: My nurse just called, they will let me go in for a scan this afternoon.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Beta #3

Things are not looking so good. It was only 1750. That isn't quite a 60% rise. I'm worried that this is over. Progesterone has gone up to 20.5.

I'm getting an u/s on Friday now to see what's where.

I'd put my money on ectopic.

I knew this was too easy.

Fuck.