Friday, July 31, 2009

Priorities

Last night me and DH were discussing when we would visit his parents next and I'm apprehensive to do it. They are a fair distance away and you really need a 3 day weekend to make the trip worth it. But I don't like going because we never just visit his parents... no, it's a freakin family reunion 24 hours a day while we're down there. We all have to be in the same place and it's usually so bad you can't get a seat. The MONSTER children show up and their parents don't try, at all, ever, and I just can't be around that. Their's never anything for me to eat other than buttered rolls (really healthy stuff). People stay over until the wee hours of the morning (and the monsters are still up running around too, drinking mountain dew from their sippy cups). His dad falls asleep on the couch in the living room and snores so loudly I can't sleep, then gets up at 5 am and turns on the TV at full volume. Hygiene is not good and someone is ALWAYS sick. And they change the monsters' dirty diapers directly on the bed that I sleep on. The dogs jump up on me, fresh from the sheep barns. Yeah, I consider it a stressful situation that I'd rather not put myself in right now.

I'm sure we'll go down for Thanksgiving, but that is about all I can imagine handling at this time... and I don't know what will happen then, because BIL and SIL will be there with the baby and then the question will be does the family with the newborn baby get to sleep downstairs near the kitchen and only bathroom, or does the preggo chick get to so that she doesn't have to climb up and down the stairs of doom 3 times a night to pee? (Note, when SIL was pregnant we were sent upstairs so that she wouldn't have to navigate the stairs.)

But really the thing that bothers me the most about visiting my inlaws is that my husband forgets that he's married. Not like he hits on other women, but he forgets that I need to be considered. Like he could save me a seat next to him so that I don't have to eat on the couch in the other room, all alone. Or he could not disappear for the entire day to go play with rusty farm equipment and leave me trapped in the house all day. I get pretty needy (but not unreasonably so) when we are with his family and he doesn't realize that. I'm not emotionally strong enough to put up with that right now (hormones).

I was going some where with this...

Last night we were talking and I mentioned preecclampsia. DH didn't know what that was, so I explained and proceeded to scare the crap out of him (cause it's scary, and I have a couple of risk factors for it). So then I was saying that it might not be a great idea to get too far away from home because we need to be near a good hospital if that happens. So then we start talking about going/not going to his parents. And then DH accuses me of using the pregnancy as an excuse to not visit his parents... which is true. Normally I can deal with it all pretty well, but not right now and probably not with a newborn. And for the record, I don't like going to my parents' either, but they are close enough we can go for an hour or two and come home and I can regain sanity fairly quickly (and we probably see his family more than mine even though they are so much farther away).

Anyhow, it comes down to me telling him that his only priority should be me and the baby and keeping us both alive and healthy. Which he says he understands, but he clearly doesn't understand by the continued scoffing at my reluctance to visit his parents' house. This isn't just about me being paranoid and picky... this is from my drive to keep my baby alive!

From there I break down into a crying mess about how he doesn't get it that I have to worry all the time that I'm doing something wrong and could harm or kill the baby and it would be all my fault. Every bite of food, every chemical I touch or inhale, the water I drink... everything. He takes the whole healthy happy baby thing for granted. He doesn't realize how much I am doing to try to ensure it. And he will get it the first time he holds the baby in his arms. He will know the fear I feel, but he just can't contemplate the responsibility yet. It just hasn't hit him yet.

So, no, I don't want to visit his parents, I want to sit in a climate controlled bubble in a bomb shelter eating organic food and water that has been trapped in a pristine aquifer for the last 1000 years and bottled in a BPA free bottle just for me. Obviously I can't do that, but I can sit at home and cook my own meals and sleep on a bed that doesn't have baby shit on it already.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Swine Flu

It freaks me out. Seriously.

I can't honestly remember the last time I got the flu. Maybe when I was 6 or 7. I don't get seasonal flu shots. I just don't normally care that much. But I've been paying attention and I scoffed last week when certain news feeds were thinking that pregnant women MAY get on the priority list (implying that they probably won't) for the vaccine. I knew that quite a few pregnant women had died from it and to me it seemed like they should get a ticket to the front of the friggin line.

Apparently the experts agreed with me today. Good. I'm happier, but still freaked.

I keep thinking about telling my office that I'm pregnant and in my head I'm just shouting at all of them to NOT KILL ME OR MY BABY!

Every year, the parents in the office bring theirs kids' illnesses to work. Yes, they work sick. Thanks jerks. And of course, I'm freaked about CMV too.

Anyhow, I'm writing an email to New Boss that corporate needs to issue a statement that you need to stay home if you are sick or caring for someone that is sick and if you don't comply you will be sent home immediately. This needs to be crystal clear because school starts up again pronto.

I fully intend to get a vaccine (and yes, the risk of taking a rushed vaccine freaks me too), but I don't know when the vaccines will be available around here and that they won't run out before I can get one and I sure as hell don't want one of my workaholic coworkers coming in here and sickening everyone/me.

So I haven't sent this email yet. I want too, but it doesn't really make as much sense unless I tell my boss that I'm pregnant. Which I intend to do soon, but probably not for another week and I need to be placated now! Also, I think I will get heard a lot better if I tell him that I'm pregnant. It's one thing to be paranoid Amanda (always bitching about food safety and hand washing, I'm such a drag), it's another thing to be a member of a group where 6 out of 34 have died.

Does this freak anyone else as much as it does me? Does it make you worry about TTC right now?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

13w 0d

I'm not sure what to feel right now. Everything went fine at our appointment today. I'm just in a different place now than I was and I don't know how to be comfortable in it yet.

We had premised all of our discussions about the future on this appointment and now it's past. I feel like, for the first time, I'm pregnant... not that I actually feel anymore pregnant than before, but that my status now is 'pregnant' and before it was 'maybe'. This is happening and I've got the green light to accept it now. If I can.

And instead of just being happy that we found a heartbeat with the doppler I was disappointed that I didn't get an ultrasound. WTF is wrong with me? Just be happy your kid is alive, you moron! (But can you blame for wanting to have another look?)

And it's funny that my ob seems to be more excited about my pregnancy than me. She always tries to give me time to savor the moment, but I feel programed to shrug off that stuff and not act like I'm that attached and I don't enjoy the moment the way I should. I have this chip on my shoulder that forces me to act tough all the time. Other people describe hearing their baby's heartbeat for the first time as magical and I was just dissappointed that I didn't get the u/s. But my dr, she was visibly moved.

Then we went to talk to the insurance person (this is standard at my clinic for your 2nd appointment) and I got soooo pissed. I know how my friggin insurance works. Unfortunately, I've had the privileged to experience it in all it's glory, for the last couple years. She kept saying stuff that I didn't like (and know to not be 100% true 100% of the time) about how they were going to bill (I'm likely to get screwed out of my FSA). I got so upset I finally cried. My baby's heartbeat couldn't bring me to tears, but some old weathered woman named Barb in billing could. I'm just pissed that when this is all over I will probably be fighting with the ins company instead of enjoying my newborn. I feel sorry for couples that don't know about their insurance, because I would have totally been in the wilderness for that if I didn't know so much, and the lady talking to us was completely unhelpful ("This is how we do it, you don't have a choice!"). And one of the reasons I went to this OB is because she's at the best hospital in the area, but I know from prior experience, that they aren't always good at getting billing right. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope it all works out.

And we got out of the clinic and DH turned his phone back on to a voicemail from his brother that his baby was born. Probably around the time we were hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, they were holding theirs. Maybe that should have been comforting to me, but it just made me feel sad. I still have so much anxiety.

When I got back to work I just wanted to close the door to my office and let my emotions run, but work was crazy and quickly brought me back to reality. And I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep much last night because I was so worried about this appointment. And I just really need sometime to figure out what's going on in my head, but I don't know when I will.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I need to eat more?

I'm feeling pretty fat lately. Not in the, "OMG, this pregnancy is making me such a hoss and instead of just being grateful for the life growing within me, I'd rather complain about it," way. More in the, "I'm not really that far along, and not showing, but I keep craving junk food and feel like I'm making bad choices," sort of way.

And it doesn't appear that I have gained weight according to my spring scale (though it's pretty inaccurate). My wii did say I was up a pound the other week and my ring is a little tighter, so I have a feeling that I've gained a little.

Anyhow, but I sent my food journal to my counselor last week. Lovely thing that she is actually calculated my calories for me. She said it looks like I've been eating ~1400 calories per day and I should have been eating 1500-1600. And in the 2nd trimester I should be eating 1800 calories! Crazy. I haven't been eating enough. Maybe that's why I get hungry. I never would never have guessed that. I feel like I'm always eating.

That said, I'm still having SERIOUS junk food cravings. That's all I want to eat, ever.

Instead of oatmeal for breakfast, I want to toast a bunch of bread (not just a slice or 2, but 4-6... or maybe the whole loaf) and butter/jelly it all up. Oatmeal takes so long to cook, toast is nearly instant, it's just too easy.

I'm hungry at dinner but never want to cook anything and just want junk... tater tots smothered in ketchup, french fries (smothered in ketchup), chips, massive quantities of grilled cheese (with a side of fries, smothered in ketchup), ice cream. My husband wasn't home the other night, so I ate a bowl of ice cream for dinner, even though I was planning a nutritious veggie burger.

Oh, pickles and ice cream does sound pretty good to me.

Considering all the ketchup and pickles I'm craving, maybe I actually need more salt too? What kind of American am I?

I'm looking forward to my ob appt tomorrow because I won't be able to pack a lunch and that means I can do fast food for lunch! Although I'm trying to steer my taste buds towards 'better' fast food options (vegetarian burrito bowl at Chipotle anyone?).

I'm good on the fruit this week, we just got a 1/2 bushel of peaches and blueberries were on sale, and I bought a bunch and intend to eat 'em all. I need to get better about veggie intake at lunch time and for snacks.

I really must put forth more effort towards a healthy diet.

Does anyone have good strategies for making the cravings go away?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Do you see what I see?

This is it... the last prometrium.



I probably could have quit at least a week ago, but seeing that I had enough pills to get me to nearly 13 weeks I went ahead and finished them off. My ob didn't really tell me when to quit them. I just told her I almost had enough to make it to 13 weeks and she said that was fine. Oh well.

Things I will not miss about prometrium:

1. Sticking fingers up the va-jay-jay. I was never a cervical position checker and the only CM I ever checked was off the toilet paper. I do NOT like sticking my fingers up there, and will be damn glad to quit.

2. The mess. I was wearing liners, but they don't let you 'breathe' and I was very uncomfortable. I don't know what the consequences of a yeast infection while pregnant are, but I didn't want to find out. If I only did this for 10 days to induce a flow I wouldn't care, but a couple of months is not good. So I decided to sacrifice my undies and live with the mess. It really isn't that bad, but this underwear is getting trashed as soon as I move into maternity underwear.

3. The irritation. I hadn't really experienced any irritation from the progesterone until the last month... sometimes it feels like someone is jabbing a dull pencil into the wall of my vagina. Awesome. And I'm quite sure it's the pro because it normally happens a short while after I put a new one in.

4. The ewww. Nothing is like having an important conversation with your boss and feeling hot progesterone leaking out of your vagina. Ewww! And even though you know it's just progesterone, you still freak for a minute that it could be blood. After the conversation is over (which it doesn't really matter, because you haven't been paying attention since the leaking occurred) you run to the bathroom anyhow. No blood, but at least you can wipe away most of the ewww. Ewwwwwwwww.

5. The insecurity. Every time I would go to insert one, I would lay on my bed to do it. After the insertion, I'd just lay there for a minute and let the insecure thoughts run through my mind. It was the only time of the day when I absolutely couldn't escape them. It made a simple task feel very exhausting. I will not miss that.

Friday, July 24, 2009

OMG

I just got an email from my unborn nephew to join his flickr photo stream.

Really? Where did the days of just a nice little birth announcement go?

Maybe they'll post pics of the crowning. (j/k it's a c-section)

What's that? Nausea... it's too late to be morning sickness, so it must just be disgust.

---

And by the way, he's being delivered by planned c-section Tuesday next week. The same day as my next ob appointment. I sure hope my kid isn't dead, cause it would really suck to find out that day (in additional to all the other ways it would infinitely suck).

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

First Baby Item

And it was a gift.

Now I know I said I wasn't going to tell anyone yet, and I didn't, she guessed.

I have one friend at work (I work with mostly men and most of the women are clique-y and related so I don't try too much with them). She's younger than me and had finished her drafting degree last year and decided that she didn't want to do drafting for the rest of her life and went back to school to become a teacher... at the University of Hawaii. So she left and came back this summer and is leaving again (probably for good) next week. Before she left last year (knowing about my IF) she told me she was going to make me a baby quilt. I told her it was a nice offer, but not to waste her time.

So I'm complaining about some horrible smell in the break room and she jokingly asks me, "What are you pregnant or something?" Well, we all know that I'm a bad liar, and she asked me outright, so I couldn't deny it (and this was at about 10 weeks). Anyhow, so she knows and immediately decides she's making me a quilt before she goes back. Anyhow, she finished it the other day and gave it to me, and it's awesome!



Can you believe that she finished this in barely 2 weeks? She's fast.

I told her it would probably be best to keep it gender neutral, and although their are a lot of browns, blues, and oranges most of the fabrics actually have a floral print and it will work perfectly for a boy or girl. And I love it, it fits my style... I'd been eying some of those fabrics lately anyhow.



The back is a flannel, so it's very soft. And she really enjoyed doing it because it was her first free motion quilt and I think she did a really good job on that. I also immediately noticed the zig-zagging and thought it looked really cool with the fabrics (you don't see a lot of zig-zag on quilts). She confessed that after she washed it, some of the fabrics frayed even though she did really good with the seam allowances and zig-zagging covered it up. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't of told me, I just think it looks cool.



Anyhow, I have an awesome friend and this is an awesome gift. The only condition is that I have to send her a pic of the baby on the quilt (hopefully I can manage that).

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

12w 0d

I think I'm suppose to be really excited that it's '12' weeks, but it's lost on me. I guess 12 weeks is like 3 months pregnant, but really it's only 2.5 months, and it's almost the end of the first trimester, but not, and well... it feels there should be something particularly special about it, but I haven't figured out what yet.

But in any event, it's another week, and that's still something.

Me and the hubs have been talking more in terms of actually having a baby lately, but every time I say something, I always qualify it with, "assuming it's still alive."

DH does not like me saying this all the time. I get why, and I don't like thinking about it myself. I guess I'm worried that if I get too cocky about the likelihood of an actual baby at the end of this, I'm just asking for disaster. Definitely not that comfortable yet... but I'm going to keep the dead baby thoughts to myself for awhile.

In "More than you ever wanted to know about Amanda's Body news" nothing new to report. My boobs haven't really grown substancially yet, but my dang bra is starting to bother me... I need a more supportive one now (boobs aren't larger, but probably heavier), so I will have to bra shop again. Ick. I keep thinking I wish I still had that one bra I had in highschool that came out of a box. It was a total granny bra, but it would be wonderful to have now.

My blood sugar was doing great the other week, but then I ran out of strips and some people who shall remain nameless really slacked at getting my strip prescription in and I finally got new strips last night. I took my first reading about 2 hours after I'd eaten a couple of nectarines and it was 73 (which is kinda low) and that probably explains why I was feeling lightheaded. Never fear, chocolate milk to the rescue!

I discovered something a little strange the other day. My metformin used to cost me ~$38 per month, but I refilled the other week and it was only $22. I think it would be weird for a insurance company to change their coverage mid year, so I can only wonder if it isn't because I told my ins company I was pregnant or maybe because I told them I was being sent for diabetes education. Oh well, that's a win for me.

Ok, well, in summary, status quo.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Weekend Extravaganza

I'm having a good weekend so far. Last night we saw HP6. I have to say I really, really hated David Yates direction on HP5 (although no one else seems to agree with me) and I was so upset to hear that he was doing HP6 and both parts of HP7, but he did a much better job on this movie, so maybe he'll actually be good at this before the last ones. (I seriously think HP5 feels like some made for TV movie, which makes sense, because David Yates had never even directed a full length feature film before it.)

And this morning we went to a local nursery because they were having a sale on summer annuals (buy 20 for 50 cents apiece). We never got to plant our pots and such this year because of Muffy being ill at the good time for that, and I wasn't going to pay full price for flowers mid season, so this seems like a good solution. Plus, I'm hosting bunco at the end of the month and feeling a little embarrassed by all the empty pots around the house.

Anyhow, we bought 24 plants, and can you believe all this color for $12 and a tiny bit of work?









We also cleaned off the deck and hung the curtains I made last year. They are tab tops (sorry, I didn't get the tops in the picture) and the panels made from queen sheets (that really cut down on the work). There are four panels so that when we untie them all, it's very private on our deck and we block the neighbors from view. Last year me and Muffy like to sit out there on the weekends with the sheets blowing in the breeze. I would read a book and she would sleep in the chair next to me. Those were good times.

After planting, I cut up tomatoes from DH's garden and some fresh basil from our back yard to make a tomato salad. Then I sliced strawberries to make short cake. We are going to my friend's grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary surprise potluck. My friend moved to Texas the other year, so it will be cool to see her again... but I'm sure we'll be tired tomorrow because we won't get back until late.

And that's not everything today, but it's enough for one post and to make me feel like I've actually accomplished something today.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've been keeping secrets

And their names are Bliss and Ambrosia.



So we did get some new kitties about a month ago... I didn't want to report on it right away and was waiting for a good day to introduce them.

They are sisters and they had turned 1 in May and have been living at the local no kill shelter all their lives.

It has been a lot of fun to watch them discover things for the first time... like plants and what a breeze is. And sadly the shelter had many more kitties and doggies that had lived there for much longer without ever having had a family... breaks my heart.


(Here they are discovering Jim Lehrer)

So they were already named at the shelter, and it seems that those names have stuck, but we regularly call them Stinky and Squeaky (I'm sure you'd never guess how we came up with those names).

Bliss is tiny and probably the runt of the liter. She's about 6lbs (she's Squeaky). Ambrosia is a hoss comparatively and about 8lbs (Miss Stinky).



Ambrosia was the cat that sold us on the pair. There were cats every where at the shelter (and tons of tabbies) and this one kept coming up to us and wanting to be picked up. After about the 6th time we'd made our decision. And luckily she had a sister and little Bliss clearly wanted to be loved but was too afraid. Now that they've lived with us for a while, we learned that Ambrosia is 'aggressively affectionate' and Bliss is more laid back but very lovey.

They love to play and I love to watch them together. They are a great pair.

And with expecting the baby, they are kept in the basement when we are not home and at night. I figure that we will probably keep the door to the baby's room open and I didn't want to have to worry about the cats getting in there at night or something. And the cats really like the basement (when you've shared a tiny kennel your whole life, the basement is pretty awesome). Plus they really like to chew electrical cords and we can't trust them to not chomp down when unsupervised.

Ok, secrets out.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

11w 0d

I have been bouncing back and fourth between actually feeling pregnant, and feeling so completely devoid of pregnancy symptoms it seems like a drink is in order.

On the actually feeling pregnant, it's because my uterus has felt a bit enlarged or distended to me lately. Which is a pretty cool feeling. And I can't actually feel it from the outside, it's just how it feels inside of me. But only sometimes....

Because the rest of the time I seem to be without any symptoms at all lately. Thankfully, my voracious thirst is just normal thirst now. And I'm really glad, I was so thirsty before, a mere 20min without water felt like I had been stranded in a desert for days (not kidding, it was painful and desperate). So with my thirst back to normal, I don't have to go to the bathroom as much and I only have to get up once a night, and Monday night I actually slept through the night!!!

Also, my boobs really seem to be in a stable place now and don't really hurt, however I think it might be helping that I started sleeping with a sports bra on.

And the fatigue is dying down. I don't feel like hiding under my desk and taking a nap anymore.

And the other week when my cramping freaked me out it was partially because that's when my symptoms started to disappear. Strong cramping, disappearance of symptoms, why would I freak?

The one symptom that is ever present is my beautifully inflamed and pocked up zit face. It really hasn't been this bad in years, and just when I think it's getting under control, I get another giant breakout. Oh well, it's the price I pay.

Ok, but, dare I say it, I think I may have had my first certifiable case of pregnancy brain. I made out the sewer bill and sent it out the other day... so I thought. I got a call from them today, the stub was in the envelope, but not the check. I went and looked in my checkbook and the check was still attached. Fantastic.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Probably

I didn't spill the beans. Barely.

My Old boss asked simply enough, "Are you going to take the PE in 2010 still?"

My answer: Probably.

Of course I was simulatneously trying to squelch the biggest grin I've grinned in my life.

I almost followed it up with more info, but luckily Future Boss asked me another question and I and kept my big mouth shut. More information is not needed here. Soon enough I shall reveal the truth.

---

There is a section on the company form to make suggestions on how to improve the company... I put down Maternity/Paternity Benefits. I reasoned it as a recruiting tool for hiring top talent (since we don't really have any fancy incentives here). I have a small voice but I use it when I can. But as we are having this discussion, I catch Future Boss taking a glance at my belly. That's right, just keep looking.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Blog Keeping

Someone mentioned seeing the ultrasounds in a comment the other day. I haven't posted them for a couple of reasons:

1. I'm lazy.

2. They just don't do it justice. My kid is cute, but these ultrasound thermals just don't accurately portray how damn cute my little guy/girl is.

3. I know it can be hard for those battling IF to see those images.

This is my blog, and I'm going to put what ever I please on it, I think that is pretty well understood. I will be the first one to admit that pregnancy blogs are really boring compared to IF blogs, so thanks if you are still reading! And if you don't like something, feel free to click away and join me again at another time. But, I do want to be a little considerate to those of you still at war and especially those who have lost babies. So I won't be posting any u/s pics inside my posts.

So, I have links to some of my ultrasound pics on the side bar. Have a look if you like.


U/S Interpretations
In the 5 weeks you can really only see the gestational sac.
In the 6 week, the round spot on the left is the yolk sac and the blob on the right is the baby.
My little 9 weeker there is just adorable and measuring ahead.
It was hard to get a 10 week one cause it moved so much. And you can still see the yolk sac next to the left side of the head.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Don't spill the beans

I've had a lot of anxiety about telling my bosses that I'm pregnant. I'm not planning on doing it until about 14 weeks, but I constantly find myself in situations where I'm tempted to tell.

Several weeks ago, me and Old Boss (still was the actual boss at the time) went to see a client about 3 hours away... with my excessive thirst (and subsequent bathroom needs) and 6 hours trapped in a car with nothing to talk about, I was really worried that it might come out. I cannot tell you how proud I was of myself that I didn't let it slip that day.

But another hurdle is on the horizon: Mid Year Employee Conference, which is on Monday.

This year it will be with Old Boss and Future Boss, both of whom know about my IF. And neither seems to be suspicious that the status of anything has changed since IF happens to be a convenient cover for pregnancy (yes, I've found a use for IF).

But I've been through these conferences before and I didn't think their would be any reason to worry about spilling the beans. Except, my boss gave me a heads up list of topics to review that are not on the company's standard form. And one of them, my professional certification, will be directly impacted by having a baby.

FYI: Engineers have to go through an 'apprenticeship' period and take a test before they can become licensed engineers. Licensing is important because it makes you much more valuable ($$$) but your liability is huge (you don't want to be the person that sealed the plans for a collapsed bridge).

My first chance to take the test is spring of 2010 but the version of the test I want to take is only given in the fall, so I would have taken the test in fall 2010. Except, I'm planning on having a ~8month old when that comes around and I can't imagine that I will be able to work, parent, lactate, and study for a test that soon.

So if I'm honest about the test schedule, I will have to tell them that I'm looking at 2011 and then they will want to know why. And I don't know how I can keep from spilling the beans other than to say "I'd rather not talk about it at this time." Something tells me that won't fly. They want me licensed ASAP. I need to have a good excuse.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nutritional Counseling

Really more diabetes education than anything.

I've got my meter and some test strips and I will be checking 2 or 3 times a day after meals for the next couple weeks.

She showed me how to use everything and then pushed it towards me. Ok, I haven't intentionally stabbed myself in a while, this ought to be fun. But the lancet is a very efficient poking device and it's super easy to get a drop out.

I let my blood get sucked up the strip and sat staring at the digital display as it flashed... it was a total flash back to waiting for digital hpts. I held my breath and felt all anxious again and then it was over... the thing only takes 5 seconds to tell you your blood sugar! Five seconds, why the hell can't we get hcg testing technology that is that quick? Can you just imagine pricking your finger and getting a quantitative beta 5 seconds later? Someday.

My first reading was 107 and it was about 2 hours after I'd eaten a bunch of strawberries. They want my 2 hr blood sugars to be under 120 and my fasting to be under 105 (and these are for gestational diabetes, regular diabetes has different, higher limits).

So I ate dinner last night (some Archer Farms cheese lasagna) and waited 2 hours and it was a mere 82. So I was really curious what I would have this morning... I obviously haven't gone into a diabetic coma, but at 82 last night I wondered how much it would drop by the morning. It was 85. So apparently it was stable (I assume a little variation is just error). And 2 hours after breakfast today: 88. Yes, it appears that I'm not diabetic yet.

And I have to say, I was pretty apprehensive about testing, but it's kinda fun. I'm an experimenter, so now I'm really curious to see how my body reacts to different foods.

When I've done this type of thing before I usually get really pissed off. In the past it's been more like I show up and some idiot that is not a vegetarian gives me a brand new diet completely different from the foods I normally eat and tells me to follow it. That's not realistic, you can't just tell somebody to change everything.

This counselor didn't do that. We talked about what I eat and she thought it sounded pretty good and then gave me some guidelines to aim for 45-60 grams of carbs per meal, which is probably more that I normally get at most meals. And she really didn't emphasize a lot beyond that, probably mostly because we're just kinda wanting so see what my body does at this point.

One of the most annoying things that previous nutritional counselors have done to me before is to really limit my dairy consumption which is pretty nuts IMO. That's my main source of complete protein. And yes, most of it is high in fat, but that seems to be the choice I have to make: fat or no protein. I've even been told that the only type of cheese I should eat is Parmesan b/c it's the lowest carb. This counselor said not to worry about it. Eat all the cheese I want. Awesome.

I even confessed my daily chocolate milk habit and was not condescended upon. It's tasty and makes drinking milk more enjoyable and it makes it easier to swallow my prenatal. Ain't no one taking my Hershey's away anytime soon.

I'm keeping a food journal this week and will send it into my counselor. And I will just keep track of my blood sugar for the next couple weeks and probably review it with my OB and maybe go back to the counselor... it's still pretty ambiguous to me how we will proceed forward at this time.

I guess I'll have more to say on this later.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

10w 0d

My appointment went great. It's still alive and everything looked fine. And, just like the pregnancy books said, it's wiggling and moving now, even more than I imagined. I had to laugh when I saw it move, cause it moves so much, but I can't feel any of it and it's hilarious to me that something that big can be living inside and I can't feel it at all.

But the whole appointment was so fantastic. The same LPN that did my weight and blood pressure last time checked me again today. She was a total idiot last week, but this week when she asked me how my 4th was and I explained why I was there, she showed a level of compassion I wouldn't have believed her capable of.

Also, I didn't have to ask, I was taken straight to the u/s room. The dr came in and I was expecting her to give me a hard time about being back so soon, but not one iota of judgement came out of her. She didn't make me feel silly at all and it was a total relief to not have to feel the need to explain myself.

My cervix looked good, no blood in the uterus. Everything was just fine.

We talked a little about the weekend situation. She kinda lamented that we were on our own on the weekends, but if I have more problems during the week, just calling in and getting an appointment immediately isn't a problem.

I'm still not sure about sex. But I think it's too early to give up completely.

And even though it is pretty early for RLP, she thinks I could be having it, which doesn't make me feel like too much of a nut job, but I also haven't had too much of it yet.

So other than scary cramping and some RLP, symptoms are status quo from last week. My weight was pretty good today. I was actually up 2lbs at my last appointment (from prepregnancy) but this week I was 1lb under my prepregnancy. I think I was a little dehydrated, but it looks like I'm staying on track so far.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Tomorrow

I called back in today and talked to a nurse. I guess my OB isn't in on Mondays, so the nurse had to talk to the physician's assistant and call me back.

After enough paranoid rambling and explaining that I hang out with too many baby lost mamas and am scared, she suggested that I just come for an earlier appointment. Sounds good to me.

So, tomorrow at 10:45 I will see my OB again. But because my OB wasn't in the scheduler couldn't guarantee that my OB would let me have a u/s... but I don't think that will be a problem once I get in there.

This is where I really miss the RE's. If I turned into a paranoid mess, I just called in and they made an appointment for me and it was done, no big deal (even if they were booked, they'd carve one out for me). Yeah, it cost me, but I'd happily pay that now for peace of mind. Their was also the added benefit that they knew me when I called in cause it was a small clinic, whereas my OB office probably sees 100 women a day.

Now I have to practically beg for an appointment to come in and see the Dr. and she gets to decide what I get to do. (Oh and by the way, you know how it takes months to get in and see the ob/gyn for an annual exam, I was offered no fewer than 5 different time slots tomorrow... my my how the world changes when you are pregnant.)

And I'm a little worried about looking like a crazy lady coming in on two consecutive weeks and not even out of the first trimester, but I got over my fear of looking like a nut job a while ago and they can just deal with it.

And as a bonus, I'm a little worried that I have developed a UTI. Things are tingly, although not burning, and my frequent bathroom schedule has become even more frequent. So, I figure that it might be good that I'm getting seen anyhow for that.

Oh, and I got good customer service, although slightly delayed, from my clinic. Celia was worried about dealing me dealing with the evil nurse the other day for the rest of this, but the nurse I talked to the other day was actually from the hospital and not the clinic, so unless I switch hospitals I'm stuck there (which is another topic for another day).

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Crampy

Yesterday I was pretty crampy. I haven't really had any cramps in a while (like a month) and they kept up and didn't stop. No blood or anything, just some nasty cramping.

So I made my first after hours call into the ob. I didn't get jack. "Cramping is normal. Take some tylenol. If it starts bleeding call back in on Monday." WTF! If it starts bleeding, I'm going to the ER, now, not Monday, you moron. Idiot.

Yes, I know cramping is normal, but it hasn't been normal for me. I argued with her for awhile (she was a nurse, not a doctor, by the way). Finally she's like, "What do you want me to do?"

I want you to tell me to come on in for an ultrasound if it will make me feel better!

No dice. She tells me the best I can do is to go into the ER, and something tells that spending July 4th in an ER sounds like a bad idea since I wasn't bleeding and their isn't anything that can be done for me anyhow.

You want to know the only thing I can think of that might have set it off? Sex. Plain, vanilla, boring sex. Now, I'm more than a little terrified to have sex again. Poor DH.

We were suppose to go to DH's relatives for the day, but my better judgment decided that it wasn't a good idea any longer and I went and laid down most of the rest of the day. DH volunteered to call his family and tell them he had a stomachache.

The cramping seemed to mostly happen when I was moving. Today I haven't had more than a cramp, but I did have some sharpish pains to the right of my uterus this morning, which makes me think I may be getting some round ligament pain. Which makes me wonder if some of my cramping yesterday wasn't also RLP (although, I think they felt much more menstrual than RLP is described to be).

So I don't know what to think. And I'm pretty freaked out by the fact that have another month until my next appointment. Some more RLP feelings would be reassuring at this point. This whole journey has been pretty difficult for a control freak like me.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Sleep

I slept in this morning. And I took a nap.

Sleep is very important to me. I didn't get enough of it for many years during high school and it wasn't until college and I got to sleep regularly again that I realized the toll it had taken on me. After that, I learned to appreciate it.

In fact, I appreciate it so much it is my definition of success.

Good Sleep = Success

I have taken this philosophy to heart for several years. You can't have good sleep if you are hungry or stressed or if you don't have a comfortable place to sleep. Good sleep can't be bought and pills don't really cut it. If you're life's not right you won't have it.

I truly believed this until now.

I've been dead tired lately. The fatigue has really set in, but also the getting up 2-3 times a night to pee hasn't helped. And I know that eventually when the kid gets here I won't know how I'm able to function on so little sleep, but somehow, I'm sure I will. And I'm so very grateful for being so dead tired.

Apparently my definition of success no longer applies, or at least for the many sleepless years that are to come. Maybe I'll never sleep like I did before, always worried about about where my children are and if they're ok. Oh well, it will be worth it.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's still alive!!!

The important thing is in the title. It was alive! And so cute! I've seen pictures and u/s of 9w fetuses, but they have never looked cute. And those stupid floating baby widgets are just creepy! But this was adorable. We could see the little hands and feet and the umbilical cord, and the little heart beating. I just had no idea I would enjoy it that much.

It was actually measuring about 4 days ahead and we officially calculated my due date to be Feb 3rd.

We got into discussing meds. She's fine with the baby aspirin, but I need to stop by 35weeks because I guess they don't want you on aspirin therapy too close to delivery in case you need an epidural (it increases your risk of stroke it sounded like). And if I went into labor early and needed a c-section they would have to put me under instead. That's a little scary (my mom has some interesting stories about my birth in which they had to do that to her), hopefully it won't be an issue.

The met we are still 'negotiating'. I of course, want to stay on it until very close to the end. She would rather me not, but it didn't sound like she was very well researched on it and was going to have some of the research pulled for herself. I'm not worried about it right now (I still have 3 months of refills to keep me happy for a while). She seems willing to work with me on it and it was clear to her that I understand the risks/rewards of taking it. Plus, she is a disciple of my RE. She interned with him and I think that will work to my advantage.

And before anyone suggests to me to change obs, save your fingers. I really like her, I used her a few years ago before evil ex-gyn and I had lots of good recommendations for her. DH liked her too and his opinion matters a little. I'm aware of my options and will exercise them if needed, but so far, I see nothing to send me running to another dr.

We did talk quite a bit about gestational diabetes. She's setting me up to meet with the nutritional counselors. Also, she wants me to check my blood sugars for a while just to see what they are doing. I guess I'll get more instructions on that from the nutritional counselors.

We talked about screening a bit. She gave me a lot of information to read over but I don't think we are going to do any (and she doesn't really recommend any for me anyhow). Honestly, I just don't want to. Everything is probably fine, and I don't know I'd want to know if it wasn't. As much of a nervous wreck I turn into, more info has not been good for me so far.

And I asked if we would be able to hear the heartbeat by doppler next time. She said maybe. So then I was all, "I'm freak and worried that it's dead all of the time!" And she assured me that if the doppler didn't work, we'd do a scan again. Whew. (any other answer probably would have sent me to another dr.)

And she ordered CMV screening for DH! Yay! Someone that takes my concerns seriously! DH and I went to the lab together and got his and her's blood draws. So cute.

I am really looking forward to my next appointment.