This hasn't been my finest week ever. My little man makes me pretty tired. He eats ALL the time and doesn't seem to need sleep which is pretty hard on me. Since I had him I'd be surprised if I totaled 6 hours a sleep in 24 hours and probably average something more like 4.5 hours. The other day I got 2 hours all night (and I don't catch up during the day) and when my husband got up I promptly bit his head off.
The tired doesn't really bother me, but everything/anyone else does. I don't mind being at home holding him and being completely exhausted. I do mind my husband bothering me while exhausted or having to go somewhere. I actually think I do better when I'm alone (but I would never want to be a single parent, I have so much more respect for people that do that well now). And the weird thing is that my husband has been doing a really good job. He's cooked dinner, brought me water and my pills and made my breakfast. Yeah, I just have a bad attitude when tired.
My husband's aunt is turning 60 and one of the cousins is throwing a party for her this weekend. To go, we'd have to drive about 2 hours to get there. The thought of going causes me a lot of anxiety and everyone expects us to come for some reason. I'm sorry, but we are new parents and I'm exhausted and I'm breastfeeding my child and pumping is a real obstacle. Plus, someone in DH's family is ALWAYS sick and the very last thing I need right now is a sick baby... just the thought of it makes me cry... not just because I'm tired but also because he's so little and being sick is so hard. I told DH that he could go, but we aren't. I was originally willing to go, but as I was sitting awake all night holding M I just kept fretting and worrying about when I would have time to pump and what would happen if he got sick and seriously upsetting myself... then I decided that stressing about it so much was pretty dumb and if it causes me that much stress we just shouldn't go. I don't think DH is happy with me, but he doesn't want a hysterically crying wife, so he agrees.
And I have to admit, another reason I don't really want to go is that I don't want to share my baby. Even though I'm exhausted and there is spit up on me and I barely get a chance to shower, I LOVE my baby and really, really, REALLY wanted my baby and am NOT just looking for a chance to get a break. It is all worth it. And, honestly, it's one of the reasons I wanted to breastfeed him... so that I don't have to share him and can hog him all to myself. The only people that get to hog my baby are me and DH (but mostly me)... sorry grandmas (not really). That's kinda a change compared to what DH's family is used to since the parents of the monster kids practically hide from their children so that others have to take care of them when the family is around. I want to hide with my child to cuddle with him and feed him in private.
Anyhow, they shouldn't be too mad because we are having his baptism mid March so they will get their chance. grumble, grumble.
The thought of going back to work is stressing me a lot too. I try not to think about it right now, but it's going to be such a giant transition it requires some planning. So far, we are no where near a schedule and I don't really know how I'm going to get him on one... I keep thinking he will be different in a couple of weeks and it will be easier to do, but that's no guarantee.
But for good news, McSoothy's office called and let me know Michael's ekg and echo came back fine. YAY!
I'm expecting some fluffy mail (new diapers) anytime now so I'm excited about that. And the little man is waking up, so I get to change him (who knew that I would like handling pee and poo so much?) and cuddle him again!