Sunday, October 31, 2010

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Days of fury...

nights of terror.

Michael has gone from having 2 teeth to 5 teeth in a very short period of time (with 6, 7, and 8 not far off). This has resulted in a lot of night wakings and tylenol and nursing. All the nursing has been hard on me physically. My right shoulder, which I lovingly refer to as the Shoulder of Doom, has been on fire lately but I'm kinda used to it since it does this fairly regularly. But then my left shoulder decided to get in on the action too.

I had the chiropractor work on it on Saturday and it helped but it ain't fixed. Monday I woke up with a lot of pain but hoped it would get better throughout the day. I took tylenol at lunch and ibuprofen in the afternoon (I never take ibuprofen anymore). Then after I got him down for the night last night I was hurting so badly that I had to lay down for an hour. When I got up it hurt so bad that I could only breathe shallowly and was sobbing. It was a really sharp pain so I was worried that I dislocated something. I was so mad at myself for not getting it seen earlier in the day and now I was in a ton of pain and it was late at night.

And it hurt bad. I've given birth without an epidural and I can say that most of this was more painful than most of that. I decided that the only thing I could do was go to the ER. I took an naproxem and drove myself since DH had to stay home with Michael. I was bawling all the way in. I could barely walk or breathe. Thankfully the Alieve started to kick in (and FYI, naproxem is not such a good idea while breastfeeding, I was desperate).

I waited for hours in a very full waiting room. I was finally called back around midnight. Then I waited for another half hour. Then when the dr finally saw me I was completely unimpressed (his name, FYI, was Dr. Slaughter). He didn't really get where my pain was coming from and I don't think his exam was very thorough. He thinks I could have "micro tears" of the tendon (or something) from repetitive injury (breastfeeding a 27lb baby). He was efficient when he saw me since I explained that I had a baby at home that was teething and would not take a bottle and really needed to get home for him. He gave me a (useless) sling and prescription for diclofenac which is an NSAID that is safe for breastfeeding. It still hurts to breathe.

I finally got home and went to bed around 1 am. Thankfully Michael never woke up, probably because we gave him tyelnol at bedtime that night (we normally hold off until he wakes but I was already in a state and so was he). I think I might have slept and hour or 2. I had to get up at 5 am this morning to feed Michael so that we could take him to his big ENT appointment.

The verdict from that was that he does have decreased hearing and his ear drums are not vibrating normally from all the ear infections and he needs tubes. I agree, but I was still hoping for better. We will be scheduling that shortly. But he loved the appointment. He was flirting with everyone and soaking up the attention.

We also went over the spitting up. Our Ped's position has been that your baby is fat and it's ok for fat babies to spit up. Which is bullshit. I got so fed up the other week I called and pretty much demanded a script. Finally, we got some Zantac. We gave it to him that night before dinner and he promptly spit up EVERYTHING in his stomach. He filled his highchair tray. Yum. It was horrific and he was so upset. We haven't given him another dose.

The ENT thought the Ped was wrong for with holding the Zantac for so long and it was an issue of acid reflux as well as quality of life (hallelujah! someone was finally listening!) and contributing to the ear infections and that Prevacid was probably the more appropriate choice (rather than trying the Zantac again, which is what the Ped told us to do). So we got that script, but it has to be compounded so we are still waiting on it to be filled. I'm not the biggest fan of Prevacid and I'm a little weary of giving it to him, but we'll give it a try and I'll be on the look out for issues.

No tylenol tonight for Michael. Let's hope that we aren't in for another night of waking up screaming from the baby. No pain pills for me either (yet).

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Trololo & Bad Parenting

Michael hit "more time out of the womb than in" this week. I'm not sure exactly how significant of a milestone that is, but there you have it. I didn't get a picture of him when we hit it exactly, but here is a picture from this morning. I had failed at getting him to go down for a nap and told DH to take him. He put him on the floor in the living room and the sun was shining in the front door on him and he was playing with his shadow. So happy and excited. Tired parenting turned into good times.

You've probably noticed, but I'm terrible at photography. Luckily other people are pretty good at it. So today we visited our photographer and had his 9 month photos taken. We got to take them outside at this in a very pretty park. I can't wait to see them.

At nearly 9 months we finally installed a baby gate at the top of the stairs. I've been worried that some roaming pack of judgmental moms would discover that I didn't have a baby gate up yet and call CPS on me or something. For the record, he's never gotten anywhere near the stairs on his own and we are pretty big into that thing called "parental supervision".

But props to DH. I think he did a good job on the gate. It's hard to tell from the picture but he did a great job matching the board he screwed into to the post. Bliss is protesting. (The cats can fit through the railing on the side but they can't race each other up the stairs anymore.)

And now for the really bad parenting. You all know that I don't let Michael watch TV, but for some reason I'm ok with showing him the Trololo guy on YouTube. Hey, he's my kid, I get to choose how I want to mess him up. I mean, a few minutes of Trololo can't be any worse than Baby Einstein right?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I remember the pain

I was just getting ready to leave the office the other night and a coworker stopped by and let me know that I was going to be the last one out. I asked him if he could hold up a minute and we would lock up together.

I had been wanting to ask him if his wife was pregnant yet. He told me they were trying several months ago and I hadn't heard anything and was fearing the worst. So since it was just me and him, I asked.

Things are not good. They have been told that they can't have children. Period. The end. He said his wife was having a really hard time with it. I expressed my sympathy.

We talked a couple more minutes and I asked who they had been to. Apparently it was someone in town and had done "fertility treatments." Now, there are no REs in my town that I know of. No real fertility clinics. IVF is not a service that you can find here. So they have been to one doctor and I highly doubt it was an RE.

I told him this, but he insisted that they'd seen a fertility specialist. I never asked what the diagnosis was (I want to be helpful, not nosy) but I just started listing off fertility issues and causes and treatment options. I figures if I spewed out enough there in 2 minutes time he would get the sense that there are a lot of options he didn't know about. I reiterated to him at the end that there were not any fertility clinics in this town.

I said to him, that it's their choice to pursue adoption or child free living, but if it hurts their hearts, isn't it worth a 30 min drive and a second opinion?

Finally I said that if I hadn't gone up the road I wouldn't have a kid right now. Get a second opinion.

This 7 minute conversation is haunting me just a little. I'm glad that I was able to talk to him. I really hope that they get an appointment. I feel like I did a good thing, but it really brought the pain back to the front. I consider myself pretty healed from the pain of my infertility. Having a baby made me feel whole again. But I remember the pain better than I knew and talking in person about it really brought it back.

I think it bothered me so much because they are in that time still before the "first appointment." The time when you know you have a problem and are scared shitless of what you'll be told. You need IVF. You're hopeless. It will take a long time. It will cost you more than you can afford. But then I remember the good. The coming away from that first appointment feeling hope for the first time in a long time. That first appointment renewed my spirit and I'm grateful to Dr. C for it.

And I know I was so lucky. I had my downs, but I made it through with relatively little treatment. I never had to switch drs. And even though I was mentally done with my current treatment and afraid of the next step when I got pregnant, I knew I had that next step still available to take. If I had been farther down that road I might not feel the same way now, but from where I stand, I can appreciate the view.

But wow, the pain, it lingers still.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


I haven't been doing well between work and home and baby and everything else. Really not well at all when it comes to most of it. Baby is probably the most important so that's where I try the hardest, but that doesn't really cut it.

I've been talking to DH a lot about all of it. I think part of my problem is that I used to have so much time to myself to sort through it all and get my shit together and now I'm running just to keep up and I don't have time to keep all the crazy organized.

I feel this constant fear all the time. It's killing me. Most of it is about work because that is probably the thing I have the least time for and probably the most demanding thing. I totally believe this thrush infestation is from all the stress there throwing off my "natural flora". Seriously, I don't think it's normal to get thrush after 8 months of breastfeeding. I'm pretty sure that stress can do that. Better thrush than a heart attack or something.

But really, I am just not healthy anymore at all. In the head I mean. I see myself turning into my mother right now and that scares the bejesus out of me.

I had come the the self diagnosis of anxiety disorder already and then I read this timely article. I could have said a lot of the things written in it. What is so scary is how they say it is so under-diagnosed and how it's not usually diagnosed for 9 to 12 years after it starts. I know it's been going on with me for awhile. About 5 years ago when we were engaged I gained weight on purpose to try to get my husband to take pity on me and skip the wedding and just get married. It didn't work and I was just looked fat in my wedding dress. That's just one example, but it goes back even further than that... probably all the way back to when I was diagnosed with PCOS. I've been this way for a long time and I'm to a point where I just can't deal with it all anymore.

I know that there are good drugs for anxiety and I'd like to look into those after I quit breastfeeding but I don't intend to wean anytime soon. The article mentions exercise which is a good idea anyhow and I want to start making a bigger effort there, especially if it will help me. Does anyone that has been through an anxiety disorder diagnosis out there have any tips on things that I can do now that will help me?

Friday, October 15, 2010

We have thrush

It's been quite a medical couple of weeks for me and Michael.

I couple of weeks ago... or last week... we go to the pediatrician's office so often I can't even really remember, anyhow, I thought Michael was still hanging on to an ear infection. So we marched back into the ped's office. He had amber fluid behind the ear drum and the ped thought it was old fluid and not a new infection starting. He wanted to send us to an ENT to get tubes right away. I was a step ahead and had made an appointment with a highly recommended ENT that helped my coworker's kid have fewer ear infections by discovering the root of his problems rather than just putting more tubes in (the poor kid already had scarring occurring from several sets of tubes). So we are set up to go to an ENT, but couldn't get in until November, so we are still waiting. The ped seemed pessimistic about putting it off any longer, but he doesn't get to make the decisions.

Then on Monday this week I finally went to the dermatologist. I could blog about the many very WRONG things that happened at that appointment, but I won't. But after arguing with the doc for awhile, I finally got her to give me a script of antibiotics to jump start some of the massive acne infestation I have on my chest. Because this is ridiculous and I have been putting up with it for 8 months, and it hurts, and I'm f-ing sick of it. And because I'm damned a fair-skinned redhead, I got a nasty looking mole removed too.

And then, Michael ran a mild fever the other day that I wrote off to teething. But then he ran one again this morning, so I bit the bullet and took the kid back to the ped's office.

I nervously waited as he checked the left ear, then the right, and went back to the left. He asked me if I thought the ear would be better or worse... I just knew it would have to be worse because then he could do an "I told you so" and give me that look that says "You're a bad parent for not getting tubes in his ears last week like I told you to." But, miracle of miracles, it looked a ton better! I felt like I won the lottery. Sometimes it seem like all I hear is bad news lately, so it was nice to get some good.

But the bad was only moments off. Thrush. And that would explain why my nipples hurt (they are pretty bad, I'm kicking myself for not putting 2 and 2 together sooner). So we are being treated. But what a fine time to have just started a round of antibiotics! Yay. But at this point, thrush is better than another ear infection.

The good news is that Michael seems to be doing really well with it. We have been dosing him pretty good with the probiotics lately (I was hoping that they might help with his ear infections some how) so he doesn't have it too badly. And it was a good excuse to try yogurt, so he had some for dinner and really liked it.

I hope the yeast monster isn't too persistent.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Like nails on a chalk board

Michael has one of his top teeth and he likes to grind it against his bottom teeth. It's like nails on a chalk board to me every time he does it. Or more like TEETH on a chalk board.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Baby Food

I really wanted to make Michael's baby food from the start. Like breastfeeding and cloth diapering, it was the plan. And when I got a little anxious about starting solids I figured that it would be a way for me to still feel like I was providing the nourishment for him. The only problem was that I did not have the time for it at all.

I'd bought some Sprout baby food and started with it. It is really good and Michael has taken to most of the flavors well. But it's pretty expensive. I tried some of the Gerber Organic. My only complaint is that it's really watery and messier because it drips. The Earth's Best has a good consistency but a little lacking in flavor. But all in all, I don't really mind feeding him the stuff out of the packages. But I still aspired to fulfill my plan to make baby food for him.

I really wanted to use organic produce but it's virtually impossible to find a good organic selection around here. I'm not kidding when I say that Wal-Mart probably has the best selection of organic produce around here. And we don't normally make it to the Farmer's Market because Michael is napping then. So my first foray was a butternut squash from the supermarket. And boy, was that easy.

The next test was seeing if Michael liked it. The first feeding with it was not so great. He's fun to watch eat. He takes a little bite to start and smacks his lips around and gives me a funny look as he tries to decide if he like something. Sometimes he will do a whole body shiver and give me a smile or sometimes I will just get a yucky face from him. I got the yucky face, so I cut in a bunch of apple juice and had a winner. The subsequent feedings went better, I think he just had to get used to the taste/consistency of my squash.

When the IL's came the other week they brought pears from DH's aunt and sweet potatoes from their garden. I steamed up the pears and baked the sweet potatoes today. And my poor, old immersion blender has pretty much bit the dust so I will have to get a new one before I try anything else.

I mixed some pears in with his oatmeal and I've never seen him eat breakfast so well. I was a little more doubtful about the sweet potatoes because I made them fairly thick, but I gave him a taste and we had a winner.

I'm still going to use store bought baby foods. I like not having it all on me all the time. But I'm glad that I finally tried making some of my own. At least I'm stocked with some staples for awhile.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I'm really, really busy lately. No time for much. But here is a story from the weekend.

FIL and MIL visited this weekend to see Michael and go to our church's Fall Festival. They were planning on visiting for Sat and Sun and then stopping by BIL and SIL's house on the way home.

Let me explain how crazy I am. I get annoyed by having visitors. I don't like to clean the house for them, I don't like planning the meals, I don't like trying to figure out how Michael's schedule will be affected by them. I like visitors, I'm just annoyed by them. I try not to let it show, but there are grumbles behind the scene. And now here's the crazy, I get jealous that the IL's spend so much time with BIL and SIL and their kid. I know, I find visitors inconvenient, but then I get jealous when I don't have them. I'm not claiming to make sense here.

Anyhow, so FIL and MIL actually get to see their other grandson quite a bit. BIL and SIL live several hours closer. MIL babysat nephew quite a bit after SIL's mom passed away. They got to watch him for a whole week when BIL and SIL went to a conference. Nephew is a good traveler and since they live closer they have gone down to visit a couple of times.

MIL and FIL have seen Michael once a month on average since he was born. Although most of those visits have only been for a few hours each.

Sunday morning they called BIL to check in about dropping by on their way home. BIL let them know if they left after lunch they would show up during nephew's nap time and miss seeing him so they had better go ahead and leave now. MIL got off the phone and announced that they were going to go ahead and leave.

My heart broke for Michael. I know that I get annoyed, but I do want him to have a relationship with his grandparents. And now they were ditching him for the other kid less than 24 hours after arriving. And we probably won't see them again until Christmas (BIL and SIL will probably see them several times between now and Christmas).

A couple of minutes later as MIL was putting on her shoes and her cell phone rings. It's BIL again. I think SIL must have smacked him up-side the head. He told MIL that they didn't have to leave right then and they could stay longer since they don't get to see Michael very much. I was glad that they called back, but I already felt slighted by the situation.

They ended up leaving less than an hour later because it was time for Michael to take a nap anyhow. I would have liked for them to stay around and go to the Festival with us, but I was ok with them leaving during his nap. But I'm still hurt that they would get up and just leave with a happy morning baby right there smiling at them.

I'd like to say, "Oh well, their loss," but it's Michael's loss too and that makes it not ok. Why would you want to leave this?