Sunday, October 17, 2010


I haven't been doing well between work and home and baby and everything else. Really not well at all when it comes to most of it. Baby is probably the most important so that's where I try the hardest, but that doesn't really cut it.

I've been talking to DH a lot about all of it. I think part of my problem is that I used to have so much time to myself to sort through it all and get my shit together and now I'm running just to keep up and I don't have time to keep all the crazy organized.

I feel this constant fear all the time. It's killing me. Most of it is about work because that is probably the thing I have the least time for and probably the most demanding thing. I totally believe this thrush infestation is from all the stress there throwing off my "natural flora". Seriously, I don't think it's normal to get thrush after 8 months of breastfeeding. I'm pretty sure that stress can do that. Better thrush than a heart attack or something.

But really, I am just not healthy anymore at all. In the head I mean. I see myself turning into my mother right now and that scares the bejesus out of me.

I had come the the self diagnosis of anxiety disorder already and then I read this timely article. I could have said a lot of the things written in it. What is so scary is how they say it is so under-diagnosed and how it's not usually diagnosed for 9 to 12 years after it starts. I know it's been going on with me for awhile. About 5 years ago when we were engaged I gained weight on purpose to try to get my husband to take pity on me and skip the wedding and just get married. It didn't work and I was just looked fat in my wedding dress. That's just one example, but it goes back even further than that... probably all the way back to when I was diagnosed with PCOS. I've been this way for a long time and I'm to a point where I just can't deal with it all anymore.

I know that there are good drugs for anxiety and I'd like to look into those after I quit breastfeeding but I don't intend to wean anytime soon. The article mentions exercise which is a good idea anyhow and I want to start making a bigger effort there, especially if it will help me. Does anyone that has been through an anxiety disorder diagnosis out there have any tips on things that I can do now that will help me?


one-hit_wonder said...

my sleep disorder doctor recommended a book called the anxiety and phobia workbook but i've never looked at it. best wishes.

Jessica White said...

I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I know I have issues with anxiety...just thinking about it right now is making my heart start to pound.

Breathing is what I do to help really comes ago and sometimes has absolutely nothing to do with things going on in my life.

Exercise is good too, but if you start getting stressed about not having the time for doesn't help.

Thinking about you *hugs*

Karen said...

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and reoccurring depression so I have a few books that I went through and things are easier. So the first book is mind over mood, a great one about cognitive behavior therapy. The second one is the worry cure, this is the one I highly recommend. Good luck!

Michelle said...

I don't have any tips and I struggle with this at times. It got worse after K was born and it was like overwhelming that so much depends on me now....I have a mix of anxiety and I'd say probably even depression but I've never taken that step and gone to the dr. I have my ups and downs but self manage.....
Exercise is good, but it's so hard to find that time to make it really work.
I hope you can find something that will help. I wonder if this is something that just goes hand in hand with the PCOS because I know several people with the same....

Chelle said...

I am sorry for the stress and anxiety. Both are very serious and can't be ignored so I am so glad to hear you are seeking ways to better your mind.

Have you tried meditation? Sometimes, 10 minutes is all you need!

I put on some classical music and concentrate very hard on the music itself. Every note. If my mind wonders, I bring it back to the music. If I hear an outside noise, I bring it back to the music. It really is an excellent excersise to help control your thoughts and direct them to a more positive way.


Noemi said...

I'd recommened talk therapy for a few sessions that way you get it all out and someone teaches you relaxation/anxiety-reducing techniques. That way you can see if you need medication before you wean and are able to take it. Hope that helps, i know not everyone is open to talk therapy but it really can make a difference and it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Anonymous said...

Oh Amanda, you have so much on your plate right now- working full time, taking care of M, and all of those great time intensive mommy things you do (making baby food, cloth diapers, cooking meals, etc). I'm sorry that you have this constant fear all the time. You are my hero in terms of juggling many tasks and putting baby first.

I was just talking to my husband last night, and we have always agreed that I'm a worrier, but he says I've been over the top crazy with worrying lately. And I suffer from depression already. It would make sense that I have anxiety issues too.
I don't know what to suggest, other than talk to your doctor, get a referral to a therapist. I know that's what I have been meaning to do. I just can't seem to make the calls.