Thursday, October 21, 2010

I remember the pain

I was just getting ready to leave the office the other night and a coworker stopped by and let me know that I was going to be the last one out. I asked him if he could hold up a minute and we would lock up together.

I had been wanting to ask him if his wife was pregnant yet. He told me they were trying several months ago and I hadn't heard anything and was fearing the worst. So since it was just me and him, I asked.

Things are not good. They have been told that they can't have children. Period. The end. He said his wife was having a really hard time with it. I expressed my sympathy.

We talked a couple more minutes and I asked who they had been to. Apparently it was someone in town and had done "fertility treatments." Now, there are no REs in my town that I know of. No real fertility clinics. IVF is not a service that you can find here. So they have been to one doctor and I highly doubt it was an RE.

I told him this, but he insisted that they'd seen a fertility specialist. I never asked what the diagnosis was (I want to be helpful, not nosy) but I just started listing off fertility issues and causes and treatment options. I figures if I spewed out enough there in 2 minutes time he would get the sense that there are a lot of options he didn't know about. I reiterated to him at the end that there were not any fertility clinics in this town.

I said to him, that it's their choice to pursue adoption or child free living, but if it hurts their hearts, isn't it worth a 30 min drive and a second opinion?

Finally I said that if I hadn't gone up the road I wouldn't have a kid right now. Get a second opinion.

This 7 minute conversation is haunting me just a little. I'm glad that I was able to talk to him. I really hope that they get an appointment. I feel like I did a good thing, but it really brought the pain back to the front. I consider myself pretty healed from the pain of my infertility. Having a baby made me feel whole again. But I remember the pain better than I knew and talking in person about it really brought it back.

I think it bothered me so much because they are in that time still before the "first appointment." The time when you know you have a problem and are scared shitless of what you'll be told. You need IVF. You're hopeless. It will take a long time. It will cost you more than you can afford. But then I remember the good. The coming away from that first appointment feeling hope for the first time in a long time. That first appointment renewed my spirit and I'm grateful to Dr. C for it.

And I know I was so lucky. I had my downs, but I made it through with relatively little treatment. I never had to switch drs. And even though I was mentally done with my current treatment and afraid of the next step when I got pregnant, I knew I had that next step still available to take. If I had been farther down that road I might not feel the same way now, but from where I stand, I can appreciate the view.

But wow, the pain, it lingers still.


Kate said...

Sounds to me like you did a good thing for them by talking about other options. Good for you!

Michelle said...

Hopefully you have made him think and it will get them a 2nd opinion and some hope.
I don't think the pain ever really goes away. I remember the day I was told that there was something wrong with me. And the years of waiting and truly believing it will never happen. After K was born, I was "healed" but then the need for another came and's back again. Round 2 of things seems worse because I know it had worked before, a lot easier than what I've been through this time and I don't understand it.

The Lynchs said...

I think it's great that you got to talk to him about a second opinion! I can't imagine someone telling me firmly that I would never have children, and me just accepting that. Good for you!

Sophie said...

I feel for the couple, I hate it when doctors give that kind of diagnosis. I know what you mean. But I think that it's good that you mentioned all those options, because they probably aren't talking about it much to many people. At least, I remember when I was first told I wouldn't be able to conceive easily, I didn't talk about it much because of the shame. If someone would've told me all the options, I'd have renewed hope. I literally thought I'd never ever have a baby. The funny thing is, before I was married I feared that over never getting married.

Anyhow, I think it's good you talked about it with him because he probably still has questions, he'll probably mention it to his wife, and who knows, they might come around to ask more questions.

Jessica White said...

Hopefully they'll pursue a second opinion. Healing was temporary for me too, since our BFN for #2, I feel like I'm right back there. Yes I am beyond blessed to have my DD, but that sting of never knowing is back.