Quiet

I've been thinking about what I should write here after my little break. Some kind of explanation. Well here it is.

I'm not sure what I've been feeling lately. I just haven't been able to process things very well. I think I'm caught in some kind of in between land. I can't explain it much better than that.

I'm struggling with two things in particular: (1) being the parent I want to be and (2) what to do with this blog.

This community is filled with awesome parents. I'd like to sit down in the kitchen of some of these women and just observe them interacting with their children. The superhuman parenting skills of some of these women make me feel like a complete failure. DH had to go out of town for work a couple of weeks ago. By Friday afternoon I was on the phone screaming for him to come home completely unsure of how I could get through even the next few hours. Low point. It was then that I realized I could no longer deny how unhappy I was.

Which also led the the issue of this blog. A place I used to draw a lot of happiness from. I really enjoyed Mel's post the other week about needing your space. And I realized that I don't need this space anymore... at least not the same way I needed this space a couple of years ago. Blogging used to help me help myself, but now I'm not usually even sure what I want to write about. I haven't been contemplating quitting blogging, but I need to realize why I blog again and I'm still working on that.

So I took a little break. I'm still not fully back. Somehow, even though I'm not working anymore I have even less time to myself and I need to rest head a little more. I also need to create more. I'm just the kind of person that needs to be inspired and create regularly... even if I don't finish the project, just doing something is important for me to be happy. So I've used some of my free time working on little projects.

So I'm on a bit of a self discovery right now. I would like to try to post more about this and I will, when I can because the blog is definitely taking a back seat for awhile.


Michael... he's not striking a pose, he's just not too good at walking still and it looks funny. But he is modeling the linen pants I made him. I think I know why they don't make linen pants for toddlers now.

Taking a break for awhile

Not sure how long.

Getting There

Michael has been taking his time on this whole walking thing... which I am fine with for the most part. It would be nice if he was walking by the time the weather gets nice so that we can enjoy the outdoors more. Otherwise I figure that he will just be able to get into more things once he can walk, so no need to rush that.

But I do get a little insecure about milestones. I don't want to push but I breathe a sigh of relief when each one has been met. I suppose that's normal. I think he's been making normal progress but in the back of my mind there is a little, irrational, panicking Amanda worried that her baby will never walk. I talked to one of my neighbors the other day that said her son didn't walk to 15 months. I asked her if she got a little worried when that was going on and she did, but it was all for nothing of course.

We have had a couple of nicer days lately and I've put Michael's shoes on him-- backwards. Whoops! Then I realize what a moron I am fix them, and then take him outside to walk holding my hands. At first the novelty of being outside was entertaining enough. But now wants to explore more. Other people's houses. The road. Bugs. A skid steer. Mud. He tried to eat a nice clod of mud for the first time the other day.

But all the practice is paying off because today I let him go next to his changer and he took A step and grabbed onto it.

I reported this achievement to DH this evening who then promptly let go of Michael and the kid walked 3 steps for him. So then we tried to get him to practice waking between us a couple of times and he did a pretty good job. It's a little more "controlled falling" at this time than walking, but he's definitely getting there. He won't be a steady walker for a little longer, but it's coming along.

I'm pretty excited. I just wanted to share.

New Sign: Hurts

Before getting into this post, two things... First, my Internet on my laptop is not working. I don' t have a clue what the problem is. The wifi is fine and I have reinstalled the network adapter several times. I'm wondering if the network adapter could be shot? If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I'm typing on my iPod, so please excuse the lack of proof reading.

Secondly, we are on day six of string watch and still no sign. Whatever happened to that balloon string, it's not bothering either of the cats.

So onto the current issue. Michael is a very physical baby. He's really strong and he's a biter and a pincer and scratcher and slapper. Some days I just feel so beaten up by him and it's very hard.

So I decided to teach him the sign for "hurt". And he picked it up right away. Faster than he's ever picked up any sign. He would pinch me and I would say "owe, that hurts mommy" and do the sign. I'd only done it a couple of times and the he pinched me again later and I said "owe" and he made the sign out of nowhere. I was surprised but excited that he made the sign and praised him for the sign.

Well, I think he thinks it's a game now because it seems like he's trying to cause me pain just so that he can do the sign. I'm impressed that he's gotten the sign so quickly and he looks so cute doing it, but he isn't getting what I'm trying to teach him if he is purposefully hurting me. I wondered if he understood the sign at all.

So earlier today I had been struggling with Michael to take a nap and he was fighting it with all his might. I had him on the changing table and he was tired and fussy and did the hurt sign out of the blue. So then I didn't know if he got it and actually did hurt or if he was just doing the sign. I erred on the side of him actually being in pain and coddled him... he was tired and fussy so it seemed appropriate anyhow.

So I don't know what to think about his hurt signing. I think he's getting it but i just can't be sure.

And his napping has been in the toilet. If I were that tired I probably wouldn't feel too good either. Oh, I am that tired and I don't feel good, nevermind.