Friday, March 25, 2011

Quiet

I've been thinking about what I should write here after my little break. Some kind of explanation. Well here it is.

I'm not sure what I've been feeling lately. I just haven't been able to process things very well. I think I'm caught in some kind of in between land. I can't explain it much better than that.

I'm struggling with two things in particular: (1) being the parent I want to be and (2) what to do with this blog.

This community is filled with awesome parents. I'd like to sit down in the kitchen of some of these women and just observe them interacting with their children. The superhuman parenting skills of some of these women make me feel like a complete failure. DH had to go out of town for work a couple of weeks ago. By Friday afternoon I was on the phone screaming for him to come home completely unsure of how I could get through even the next few hours. Low point. It was then that I realized I could no longer deny how unhappy I was.

Which also led the the issue of this blog. A place I used to draw a lot of happiness from. I really enjoyed Mel's post the other week about needing your space. And I realized that I don't need this space anymore... at least not the same way I needed this space a couple of years ago. Blogging used to help me help myself, but now I'm not usually even sure what I want to write about. I haven't been contemplating quitting blogging, but I need to realize why I blog again and I'm still working on that.

So I took a little break. I'm still not fully back. Somehow, even though I'm not working anymore I have even less time to myself and I need to rest head a little more. I also need to create more. I'm just the kind of person that needs to be inspired and create regularly... even if I don't finish the project, just doing something is important for me to be happy. So I've used some of my free time working on little projects.

So I'm on a bit of a self discovery right now. I would like to try to post more about this and I will, when I can because the blog is definitely taking a back seat for awhile.


Michael... he's not striking a pose, he's just not too good at walking still and it looks funny. But he is modeling the linen pants I made him. I think I know why they don't make linen pants for toddlers now.

11 comments:

Kate said...

What a cute little man!
I can't even imagine being at home full-time. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not cut out for that. I can see why you'd be desperate for a break after a week alone!
Maybe I'm boring, but I pretty much just use my blog as a diary for K's achievements and any issues I'm going through. I love getting helpful comments from people about things, but the blog is really primarily for me. Hope you can find a direction for yours that makes you happy.

Sophie said...

I like the pants! He looks like he's gonna take off :).

Being a sahm is hard work, a full time job for sure and we all need our breaks. Creating is a great way to break; I'm the same way about needing to make stuff.

~Jess said...

He's so cute!

I'm glad you're taking the time to figure out who you are. Hang in there.

Michelle said...

He is getting so big! I love the early walking poses. I have one of K that looks like he was break dancing.
I hope you find something that helps you get some time for you. It really will help.

Feliz4life said...

I enjoy your blogs alot. There are alot of bloggers with PCOS but not many that focus on it with straightforward honesty. It helps to not feel alone in our madeness:)

Celia said...

I love those pants! Adorable! It's taken me forever to get here long enough to leave you a coherent comment. I cannot imagine going it alone for a whole week. I go crazy on Tuesdays because it is just me and Peter from 8 till 10. Sometimes it's fine...sometimes it is NOT. The stress of not knowing how it will go but KNOWING I will get no help is what makes me crazed.

I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are handling the transition to SAHM. it is incredible how you actually have less time, isn't it? Even though we wanted and planned for me to stay home I still struggle with feeling like a hamster on a wheel and having nothing concrete to show for my day. I mean Peter is happy and cared for and I love that, but the endless cleaning and cooking and erranding and 10+ hours a day of nonstop Peterness are exhausting.

sonja said...

I wanted to drop by and thank you for your advice on dropping the dreamfeed! I think you were so right, if they're ready then they kind of let you know. I think it's really great that you breastfed for so long, too. To me that seems to superhuman -- my milk supply was disastrous, even if I'd just had one baby. I felt like such a failure in that department. =(

I haven't been to your blog before, but I just wanted to offer encouragement to you. You are certainly not alone. This morning my kids were SO whiny that I was almost in tears and kept snapping, "No!" and by nap time I was pretty much hating myself for how stressed out and upset I had gotten. Ethan was crying because he could see how visibly frustrated I was, and I felt horrible for upsetting him. That is not superhuman!!

Another thing, you are a SAHM to one baby and in some ways I truly think this is so much more difficult. Because I have quads, people are constantly in and out of my house, so I always have adult company. People are always running over to help or offer to watch the kids so I can go out to eat with my DH. Also, my kids entertain each other, so I can get a break. With one baby, everyone just assumes you can do it on your own so you miss out on all that social interaction, all the breaks, and your baby wants to be entertained by you 24/7. That is so incredibly difficult.

In my opinion, you are just being real and being honest and that makes you a great mom, someone your child will always know they can trust to be upfront and to teach them well.

So, this got to be a huge novel, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone and that I feel for you!!

Kristen said...

Love the little pants!

Totally understand needing a break, but I sure would miss it if you quit blogging! I love connecting with fellow PCOSers ;-)

Chanell said...

I decided to start blogging about my PCOS and coming across your page has helped me so much. Although I'm not anywhere near ready to be a mum (as I'm a 22 year old student), It gives me great hope in my future as I read about yours. Right now I am concentrating on my health and in a vain way my looks. PCOS has caused me many skin issues that, as a 22 year old, depresses me very much. I found out last year about my PCOS after a very long process, the worst thing the Doctor told me was about my infertility and the odds of it all. I havent had the opportunities to talk to other PCOS sufferers so I much enjoy reading about your life on here and the honestly that comes with it all. Thank you :)

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh, hun, please do not feel like a failure. I know exactly how that feels, when DH is out of town and you are going out of your mind. Staying home, even with hard fought for IF babies and toddlers is a CHALLENGE.

I am also struggling to figure out what to do with my blog. I read Mel's post on needing your space, and I think I need to figure out what that is. I would like my blog to turn into something crafty and sewy and come up with great ideas of things to do and make with Birdie, but in reality, I am struggling just to make it through eat day without feeling like a giant piece of poo.

So, please, take whatever time you need to recharge. But please do come back! You are missed!

Look at Michael walking! What a cutie!

Chelle said...

I feel like I can relate to your feelings. After working VERY hard at getting my degree and working for many years and then staying at home when the girls were born, it's a HUGE switch!

It is a hard road, but a great road too.

I am glad I had the opportunity to discover more about who I am, as I am sure you'll be glad too.


Michael is SO big! How cute he is.