Friday, April 29, 2011

Can I just say...

That I think Kate Middleton looked fabulous! Particularly her tiara and veil.

She has wonderful taste if I do say so myself.

I don't normally post pictures of myself. It's kinda like meeting a radio DJ in person. They never quite match the picture you've made in your head, but it I always really loved my veil and was really excited to see Kate wearing the same style. The style is a drop veil, in case you didn't know. I remember this evil beautician telling me that I was wearing my veil wrong at the practice hair session and I decided to cancel with her and go somewhere else last minute. If I was doing it wrong, so was Kate. Every veil doesn't have to be poofy.

It just so happens that one of DH's cousins is getting married and was going on about veils over the weekend. She couldn't understand why they cost so much when you can buy tulle for a couple of bucks at the fabric store. Yes, the whole wedding industry is a racket, but I felt my veil was worth the cost. It was a custom, handmade veil. They actually had to make me two because it was so delicate the first one ripped. The rhinestones were all hand applied (the white spots are rhinestone reflecting in case you couldn't tell). I couldn't afford designer dress, but I could afford a designer veil, so have always had a special love for my veil.

Yes, a fluffy wedding post that doesn't really have to do anything. Isn't it nice to dream about being a princess for awhile? If you have story about your wedding you want to share please do so in the comments. I'm definitely in a wedding mood today.

image borrowed from 2Space

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Easter Redux

We spent a long weekend at the in-laws for Easter this year. It was a good break from the routine. Michael had a good time and had fun visiting everyone. It rained, and rained, and rained while we were down there. It rained so much that the levees were breaking and the flooding made the national news. We didn't even stop to see DH's grandma on the way out because I didn't want to drive the car through standing water.

We actually own this field. About 1/3 of it has standing water on it.

But Easter must go on. Michael got an Easter basket from Grandma.

It stopped raining for just long enough to hunt some eggs. All the older kids took all the eggs pretty quickly and Michael didn't even have a chance to really play and have any fun with it which kinda made me a little angry.

After hunting eggs we took Michael over to look at the sheep. I was hoping to take a picture of him with one of the baby lambs but it was so muddy and yucky we didn't even try to get any closer. In fact, this was the only 'dry ground' the sheep had. Pretty much the rest of the field where these sheep are had water standing on it.

So we spent most of the visit in the house watching the animals across the road. The neighbor across the way is an animal lover and has quite an eclectic mix of animals in her pasture: cows, goats, donkeys, horses, ponies and miniature horses, and a llama. It was fun to watch the animals pass by in there respective groups. I felt bad for the llama, I think he needs a friend.

I enjoyed MIL occupying Michael most of the time we were down there. It's nice to occasionally veg on a couch without a baby fussing at your legs. Michael was pretty well behaved except at dinner out one night he wouldn't stop shoving his hands down his throat and gagging himself and ended up puking. Lovely. His sleep was fairly poor while we were down there too but I'm sure it's hard to sleep in a strange crib and we ended up doing a lot of co-sleeping.

I will say that I was not happy about a couple of things with my MIL. I don't want to get into it with this post but (1) hands should be properly washed after handling raw meat, and (2) I think she makes purposefully cutting remarks sometimes. My MIL is a very nice woman, but she seems to ignore the circumstances and say things that are inappropriate or unfair and it frustrates me. She was holding Michael on her hip showing me that she could cook like that (you know, she always took care of everything and did it with a baby on her hip because her husband was a busy man and I like my husband to watch the baby while I make dinner... so I don't burn him or anything like that). I mentioned that Michael is so heavy you can't do that for too long and he's so squirmy it's really not safe (I have world's wiggliest child, seriously, you'd have to see it to believe it, I potentially see an ADHD diagnosis in our future). After I said that to her she admitted that I was right and he was too heavy and wiggly to cook with but it was like she was saying it to one-up me in parenting. This is only one of many small slights which add up. She also asked when we were going to leave him down there alone with her. Um, considering I think he is much to young to be away from his parents for more than a night and since he's still nursing a night is really too much (he has never gone to bed without being nursed to sleep) it would not be happening for a LONG time. I really wish she would give it a rest on this. She's only been asking since he was a couple days old. It doesn't help that BIL and SIL have left their kid down there twice already for almost a week each time. I don't really understand that myself.

But not to take away too much. It was a good trip. But it was good to get home and cuddle the kitties again and sleep in my own bed too

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Like clockwork

It is amazing that I went from having zero periods to having periods that you could set your watch to. AF showed this morning, perfectly on time.

I'm trying not to pay that much attention to my periods right now. You know, not letting this stuff occupy too much of my life. Other than the horrible mood swings there are a few signs that let me know what's going on so that I don't have to use too much brain power to figure this out.

Fertile CM is a good indicator of impending ovulation but didn't show this cycle. A more sure fire sign that I ovulated is that Michael starts biting me. He sinks his teeth in anywhere he can (except my breasts, thankfully) and it drives me nuts (and hurts). It's because my milk supply decreases and he gets hungry and starts biting. He is doing well with a sippy cup and cow's milk now, so it's not too bad anymore. I wonder if next cycle we will even have the biting issues since he's taking so much cow's milk now.

I get pretty tired right before my period too. It wasn't as bad this month as last. Last month I felt like I could have slept all day long.

Acne is sometimes a sign too. This month was better than last month as well. Last month I didn't want to leave the house I felt so ugly. This month wasn't too bad except that I got one of those deep, painful zits on my upper lip the other day. I didn't think much of it except it was so bad that it actually gave me a BIG fat lip! I woke up looking like half of my upper lip was stolen from Meg Ryan. Yes, it was ghastly. I used some Tuck's pads* (witch hazel) on it through the day to reduce the swelling and I didn't look too much like a freak by the end of the day.

So now it begins again. I have to enjoy the next two weeks because once I ovulate and the progesterone kicks in bad things are in store. Hopefully now that I'm more confident in the length of my cycle and aware of my issues I will do better this month.

*Ok, so I have a big thing of Tuck's Pads. After giving birth they gave me a giant bag of pads for the bleeding and in there was a big thing of Tucks. I didn't know what to do with it. I thought they were just for hemorrhoids. But here's what you may not know about giving birth (vaginally). If the baby comes slowly and stretches you appropriately, you don't feel it too badly because the stretching numbs your lady parts. After giving birth I was all numb and swollen for about a day... it is a lot of trauma down there after all. That's why they give you the Pads, but I was too dumb to realize it. But I saved them anyways. The witch hazel in them can be used as astringent and they work great for those deep, painful zits by helping to kill the zit and reducing the swelling and pain.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Trying to figure it out

I always have a theory about what's going on with me but I'm never really sure. I've had 2 periods since having Michael and they have been absolutely perfect cycles (for me). 15 day follicular phase, 16 day luteal phase. Like clockwork so far. This cycle has been more ambiguous in that the signs have been less obvious, but I think things have been following the same pattern. And if this cycle plays out like the others I think AF is due on Sunday.

So on to my theory. Me and Michael had a horrible day today. It was a lovely day and Michael was actually pretty good except that he would not take a nap. He's been napping great and actually on a schedule for the first time in his whole life for the last 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I just could not handle it today. I needed him to nap so badly. I needed a nap just as badly. Instead he screamed every time I left the room, puked, screamed more.

I called my husband and told him he needed to come home on time tonight for sure. I was having dark thoughts.

He got home and I went to the bedroom and closed the door and tried to sleep (in vain).

I'm at a bit of a loss for what my problem was today, but I can't help but wonder if it isn't PMS related. If my period comes this weekend it will provide some reinforcement of this.

But since I lost my job I've have a hard time. And I haven't understood it at all. I don't miss my job. Getting fired was one of the best days of my life. I have never felt so stupid and insignificant as I did there and I do not miss it. And sure, life as a SAHM is not all roses, but I just really haven't understood why I'm having such a hard time.

I've always had an anxiety issue but since losing my job I've been depressed, and that's nothing I should be depressed about. I'm not trying to lie to myself, sure I have some daemons from my job to deal with, but I'm really not upset that I'm not working right now.

I've been second guessing myself that maybe I have PPD. After Michael was born I was so happy. I would hold him and tear up that I could not believe how lucky I was. I didn't even have the baby blues. Now, I won't deny the anxiety was flaring like mad, but I was very happy. So the thought that I'm having some kind of depression due to giving birth after a year seems a little off. Although I don't know much about PPD, but my gut has been telling me that this is not that.

I had set up counseling to help me deal with the anxiety and deal with the work bullshit last year, but have only made it to one counseling session because difficulty getting in to see someone. I don't have my next appointment for another week, but things got bad enough the other week that I visited the nurse practitioner (McSoothy was delivering a baby or something) and got a prescription of Zoloft. I didn't want to take antidepressants but as a child growing up with a mother that would not help herself, I did not want Michael to grow up with that. I don't want to harm him in the ways my mother has harmed me. So I'm resolved to helping myself.

I've never taken antidepressants before and Zoloft is supposed to be a first choice when breastfeeding. And within a couple of hours of my first pill my mind quieted. For the first time in a long time the anxiety was not eating away at my brain. I won't say that I felt "good" but definitely more peaceful. I was kinda "tuned out" and that felt good. I slept better at night. Stuff didn't bother me as much during the day. I was a satisfied customer for the most part. Until today.

Today was awful. Again, I don't know what my problem was but it was bad. So bad that I decided to take a second Zoloft (and I don't disobey prescriptions ever). But it's like the Zoloft could barely touch what ever was up with me.

So, putting the few pieces together, I think I may have PMDD.

As a person with PCOS and anovulation, until TTC I'd almost never had a period in my life. And I took the pill and skipped my periods for years (which is a recommended treatment for PMDD) which might also explain why I've never noticed this before. And I kept blaming this depression on losing my job and becoming a SAHM when I might have been missing that my cycle came back at pretty much the EXACT same time.

And going back to my mom, she is mentally unwell and and perpetually bitches about her periods. I swear the woman has been going though menopause for the last 15 years. She took estrogen for a short while several years ago (also a PMDD treatment) and it made a world of difference for her. It caused her to have breast tenderness and she quit and went back to her old self, sadly. But if she has it I'm wondering if this is another clue that it's my problem too. And although I was sad to see her go off the estrogen it was shown later that HRT has a lot of bad side effects and I'll note that my mom actually had a breast cancer tumor removed just last month. (Yeah, my mom had breast cancer but its not a typical kind and weird to explain, so I'm not going to unless it becomes relevant.)

So this is what I have been dealing with lately. I hope that I'm right and can learn to deal/treat this more effectively. If my period doesn't come then maybe I'm just run of the mill crazy. So not having periods means I'm infertile and broken and having them might mean that I'm depressed and broken. I hate feeling like I'm broken all the time.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Mastitis... again

We interrupt this radio silence to whine about mastitis... again.

For the record, this is the 4th time I've had it (in both breasts right after giving birth and 3 times on the right side now... twice since he turned a year old). I mean, seriously, WTF!? It just doesn't seem like I should be having this problem still. And it was rather nasty today. My breast was hurting pretty badly but I was in denial still and then I was achy all over for awhile and barely able to take care of Michael because I just hurt all over and wanted to sleep. Things got better in the afternoon (after we both took a little nap). My boob still hurts, but hopefully it will clear soon. I'm going to avoid antibiotics unless things get worse.


And in another episode of WTF!? I got sample of Cover Girl's NatureLuxe Foundation. I haven't tried it yet because I'm sure the sample I got is too dark for my skintone, but as I was looking at the skintone options I noticed that the darkest shade (for African American skin) was called "Brazilnut". Perhaps this is only something that the racist people around here say (and oh yes, they do say it, even when you ask them not to), but the slang term for a brazilnut is EXTREMELY RACIST and I'm kinda shocked that CG would pick something that could potentially offend so many people. Really. WTF!?