Thursday, April 14, 2011

Trying to figure it out

I always have a theory about what's going on with me but I'm never really sure. I've had 2 periods since having Michael and they have been absolutely perfect cycles (for me). 15 day follicular phase, 16 day luteal phase. Like clockwork so far. This cycle has been more ambiguous in that the signs have been less obvious, but I think things have been following the same pattern. And if this cycle plays out like the others I think AF is due on Sunday.

So on to my theory. Me and Michael had a horrible day today. It was a lovely day and Michael was actually pretty good except that he would not take a nap. He's been napping great and actually on a schedule for the first time in his whole life for the last 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I just could not handle it today. I needed him to nap so badly. I needed a nap just as badly. Instead he screamed every time I left the room, puked, screamed more.

I called my husband and told him he needed to come home on time tonight for sure. I was having dark thoughts.

He got home and I went to the bedroom and closed the door and tried to sleep (in vain).

I'm at a bit of a loss for what my problem was today, but I can't help but wonder if it isn't PMS related. If my period comes this weekend it will provide some reinforcement of this.

But since I lost my job I've have a hard time. And I haven't understood it at all. I don't miss my job. Getting fired was one of the best days of my life. I have never felt so stupid and insignificant as I did there and I do not miss it. And sure, life as a SAHM is not all roses, but I just really haven't understood why I'm having such a hard time.

I've always had an anxiety issue but since losing my job I've been depressed, and that's nothing I should be depressed about. I'm not trying to lie to myself, sure I have some daemons from my job to deal with, but I'm really not upset that I'm not working right now.

I've been second guessing myself that maybe I have PPD. After Michael was born I was so happy. I would hold him and tear up that I could not believe how lucky I was. I didn't even have the baby blues. Now, I won't deny the anxiety was flaring like mad, but I was very happy. So the thought that I'm having some kind of depression due to giving birth after a year seems a little off. Although I don't know much about PPD, but my gut has been telling me that this is not that.

I had set up counseling to help me deal with the anxiety and deal with the work bullshit last year, but have only made it to one counseling session because difficulty getting in to see someone. I don't have my next appointment for another week, but things got bad enough the other week that I visited the nurse practitioner (McSoothy was delivering a baby or something) and got a prescription of Zoloft. I didn't want to take antidepressants but as a child growing up with a mother that would not help herself, I did not want Michael to grow up with that. I don't want to harm him in the ways my mother has harmed me. So I'm resolved to helping myself.

I've never taken antidepressants before and Zoloft is supposed to be a first choice when breastfeeding. And within a couple of hours of my first pill my mind quieted. For the first time in a long time the anxiety was not eating away at my brain. I won't say that I felt "good" but definitely more peaceful. I was kinda "tuned out" and that felt good. I slept better at night. Stuff didn't bother me as much during the day. I was a satisfied customer for the most part. Until today.

Today was awful. Again, I don't know what my problem was but it was bad. So bad that I decided to take a second Zoloft (and I don't disobey prescriptions ever). But it's like the Zoloft could barely touch what ever was up with me.

So, putting the few pieces together, I think I may have PMDD.

As a person with PCOS and anovulation, until TTC I'd almost never had a period in my life. And I took the pill and skipped my periods for years (which is a recommended treatment for PMDD) which might also explain why I've never noticed this before. And I kept blaming this depression on losing my job and becoming a SAHM when I might have been missing that my cycle came back at pretty much the EXACT same time.

And going back to my mom, she is mentally unwell and and perpetually bitches about her periods. I swear the woman has been going though menopause for the last 15 years. She took estrogen for a short while several years ago (also a PMDD treatment) and it made a world of difference for her. It caused her to have breast tenderness and she quit and went back to her old self, sadly. But if she has it I'm wondering if this is another clue that it's my problem too. And although I was sad to see her go off the estrogen it was shown later that HRT has a lot of bad side effects and I'll note that my mom actually had a breast cancer tumor removed just last month. (Yeah, my mom had breast cancer but its not a typical kind and weird to explain, so I'm not going to unless it becomes relevant.)

So this is what I have been dealing with lately. I hope that I'm right and can learn to deal/treat this more effectively. If my period doesn't come then maybe I'm just run of the mill crazy. So not having periods means I'm infertile and broken and having them might mean that I'm depressed and broken. I hate feeling like I'm broken all the time.


Feliz4life said...

I know that feeling all to aren't alone

Rachel said...

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I really hope that you find something which helps soon.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know the feeling as well.
Do you know if your mom had PCOS as well? I've been thinking a lot about similar things the past week or 2, because I went thru a lot with my mother, and noticed the stress and anger coming out in myself lately. I think it's good you are seeking help to try to stop the cycle. I've done the same, because I refuse to let K grow up remembering the crazy mental days.
I hope you feel better soon. Just remember you're not alone.

Jessica White said...

I'm sorry you're having such a struggle! It sounds though that you might be on to something....and at least you're doing something to help yourself....thinking of you!