Saturday, October 22, 2011

Judgement

DH has a cousin that is in her mid-thirties and has been trying to conceive for a little while. I have tried not to butt in and say too much since I'm a little worried that I would end up overwhelming her and she has a very different personality than me. Apparently someone people don't like talking about their sex lives with the whole world. The one thing I have stepped in and told her is to not wait to see an RE. If you've been trying for 6 months (for over 35), make the appointment! Some offices have waiting lists and time is the enemy.

But mostly I don't ask about the baby making efforts... but I'm always eagerly listening in case there is an opportunity in there to offer any help.

So we were "camping" (can you call it camping when you're staying in a air conditioned and heated cabin with satellite TV?) with DH's family last weekend and the cousin's husband had to leave early because he had been long suffering with a sinus infection. I was talking to the cousin and ended up gushing about my love affair with flaxseed and how it has helped my allergies and eye fatigue and just made me a better person all around (ok, maybe not the last one). But then I let it slip, "And it lengthens your luteal phase. You do know what your luteal phase is, don't you?" Turns out she didn't. I immediately made judgement about her right there. How can you have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and still not know what a luteal phase is?

But I do try to remember, not everyone attacks IF like I did. Not everyone tries to educate themselves the way I think they should. Some people trust their physicians to know the tight thing to do. Some people don't their free time staring at calendars studying their fertility signs and planning what days to have sex and which days to go to the clinic and when to test to see if the trigger is out of their system and how many months it will take to save enough money for IVF. Some people try to live normal lives and not let this shit overtake them.

Then yesterday we were visting with BIL and SIL and we asked it the cousin was pregnant yet (cousin talks to SIL about this stuff). Apparently she is not and went through some preliminary testing a few weeks ago and supposedly everything is ok.

There are quite a few people in the family that don't care for the cousin's husband and don't particularly want them to have kids and SIL shares this opinion. It's important that you know that because SIL basically said something to the effect that she thinks 'they don't really have infertility, it's mental, and they shouldn't have kids anyhow, so maybe this is how it's supposed to be.'

Wow.

I have been kinda pissed with some stuff SIL has said about IF before and I completely resent anyone that suggests that the inability to conceive is due to a couple not loving each other enough or being right for each other. I do think that psychological issues can contribute to infertility, but for most couples with infertility, it is a very real, physical condition. End of story.

But I found myself a little conflicted the other day. Now that I know she's gone through testing, I kinda want to reach out to her more, especially since she'll probably be starting drugs soon (this from SIL too), and those kinda suck, but I was hesitant because of what SIL said the other day. Yeah, the cousin's husband is kinda weird. I wouldn't marry him, that's for sure, but that's not really so important is it? Honestly, I don't know that guy that well, and other than the fact that he's done some stuff in the past and smokes cigarettes, I don't know that he's that bad of a guy. I don't really know him at all.

So it occurred to me that it is far better to not sit around and judge whether a couple is worthy of having a child and just do the thing that I feel is right and reach out to her.

And as I thought about this I realize that I'm being somewhat hypocritical about this since I'm none too thrilled that her sister is having another child. And I do realize that it's wrong for me to judge her sister too, but that situation is a little different in that she already has 3 children (the monster children) and does a shitty job with them... I'd rather she focus on the kids she has.... Ok, I'll own that one, still a hypocrite.

So I'm emailing the cousin. I hope that she knows what she wants and it's my job to support her like a friend/family member rather then judge whether her having children is a good idea.

2 comments:

~Jess said...

You judge-y person, you! I think we're all guilty. I have a cousin who I'm not close to, but I do talk to her sister on occassion and try to give insight to her, but the IF cousin has never responded to an email (even "Hi How are you?".

Do what you feel is right.

Michelle said...

I judge people. Certain low life people who make horrible parenting choices, and keep on reproducing like rabbits.

Anyways, I'd like to say that if someone could have provided me with more info when we first started out all stupid and not so much into googling everything, it would have helped me a lot. I know it's awkward to bring up, but maybe she will learn something. Share a little about your experience, and see if she seems interested. I've become a lot more open with my struggles with some people I know, and it seems to help all around. And it makes me feel not so alone in the journey.