Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A giant helping of mommy-guilt

Michael tends to mention that I broke my arm frequently. "Mommy, you broke your arm," is heard about 10 times a day around here.

I got a bit annoyed the other night and I said back to him "Buddy, you don't have to worry about my arm anymore."

And then he replied, "I can nurse again!"

Ugh.

I decided that we were done when I had my accident. Between medications and casts and keeping my arm elevated and the fact that Michael was 2.5 years old, I decided it was time to end it. I maintain that weaning Michael was the most painful part of breaking my wrist, but it was probably easier weaning that way rather than trying to get him to wean on his own (this kid would nurse until he's 12 if I would let him).

But my heart broke all over again the other day. Poor kid. We've talked about it dozens of times, but apparently he still thought when Mommy's arm got better he would get to nurse again.

I am still lactating (apparently) and we could probably step back and start again but I don't think that would be the right decision. He only nursed twice a day and didn't transfer much milk, it was more about the bond. I miss having that bond, but returning to nursing doesn't seem like the most emotionally healthy way to go forward from here. I thought he would have moved past that by this point, but nursing has always been much more than a way get nutrition for him. I just can't go back but that doesn't mean that I don't want to.

Sorry Buddy.

6 comments:

Kate said...

Boo. Have you instituted Mommy cuddle time when he would otherwise have nursed? I'd probably go for a cuddle and read a book, or just chat a little at those times of day. Sorry he's so sad about it (and you are too). If I'd actually been able to nurse, I could easily see myself being in the same position, and would definitely feel ambivalent about it too.
Hope you both make it through the next few weeks feeling OK about things!

Amanda said...

Oh yeah, we cuddle and read books and talk about his day. There's just no replacement.

White Picket Fences said...

I weaned A quickly and unexpectedly when I found out I was pregnant again and found nursing extremely unpleasant. He was just under 2. He continued to ask for it for a looong time and I said no and resisted. Once the baby was born, I let him try a couple of times. He would assume the position, cuddle up, and then had absolutely no idea what to do. He still likes to ask and we go through the routine maybe once a month. It was MUCH easier for both of us when I relaxed about it and let him know it was okay for him to go through the motions. He's still a toucher ...hand goes straight down the shirt when he's stressed. I consider it all extended weaning. Good luck! You'll find your way in this new phase.

Michelle said...

Awww!
I am sure it's hard to end it so suddenly like that, for both of you.

Unceasing, uninterrupted Valkyrie said...

I just weaned my son, and he is still getting a lil comfort boob every now and then.

He is 15 almost 16 months so thankfully he cant ask for it because it would break my heart! MY personal goal is to be completly done by 2.

It is very hard for both of us. There is ups and downs. Sometimes he doesnt seem to mind or miss his boob, others,... he just gets so upset!

Gluck!

birds and squirrels said...

Ugh, that is heartbreaking. Poor little guy.

Birdie stopped at about 25 months, when I was around 16 weeks pregnant. I had hardly any milk left, and it had been just a minute or so only at night right before bed. One day she just laughed, patted my breast and that was it.

I wondered what would happen when she saw the new baby nurse. I really thought she might ask to nurse again, but she hasn't. She is very curious, and she watches him nurse sometimes with a shy smile, like I wonder if she is thinking about asking. I wonder what I would do. I honestly don't know. I do miss those times of cuddling with her. S does bedtime now with her, and I put the baby to bed, so I really don't get that special cuddling time anymore. I do throughout the day of course, but it just isn't the same. She loves doing bedtime with daddy though and says "Goodnight Mama" cheerfully. A little too cheerfully sometimes.

It is a difficult transition, and I am sorry that it happened in a way beyond your control really.